7.24.2005

The Crucible

Starring: 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco, 17th Century Amy Fisher, and Crazy Puritans
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHINY MINISTER (at his unconscious daughter's bedside)
Oh God, how could my niece and daughter have danced in the woods...NAKED?! My career is over!

AUDIENCE
Please...we've seen more nudity on The Disney Channel.

(Whiny Minister leaves. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Amy Fisher enter.)

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Kiss me! Make love to me!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo yo, I know we had our thing, but I'm married. I'm a blue-collar workin' man and gotta stay true to my family from now on.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Gimme a break, Joey. I saw you spyin' on me in the woods.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Look, you got a hot bod and all, but I can't do this to my wife.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
She's standing in the way of our love! I'm gonna mess her up!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You're wacked.

(Whiny Minister, Angry Minister, and Puritans enter.)

ANGRY MINISTER (sees the unconscious girl)
My God, this is the devil's work!

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
That's right! She's been possessed! And I know who the witch is...his wife!
(points to 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo, don't go there!

ANGRY MINISTER
Grrrrr! Let's get her!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Buttafuoco residence...)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Mary Jo, the town's coming after ya because Amy Fisher accused you of witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
What'd I tell ya, Joey? I don't want you hangin' around that girl no more.

(Crazy Puritans show up with torches and pitchforks.)

CRAZY PURITANS
There she is!! Burn her!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Aw, shit.

(The Crazy Puritans take 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco before Mean Old Judge.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, you're wife's been accused of witchcraft. What do you have to say?

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
It's all a sham! That Amy Fisher chick is fucked up.

CRAZY PURITANS
Booooooooo!!

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Sorry, the mob has spoken.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Okay, you want to know the truth? Amy's just jealous 'cause we used to do the horizontal limbo before I finally dumped her. And good riddens. That chick's hot, but she's messed up in the head, yo.

MEAN OLD JUDGE (to 17th Century Amy Fisher)
Is there any truth to this?

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Nope. He's just lying cause he's a witch too.

CRAZY PURITANS
Burn him!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Man, I'm being set up by a Long Island lolita!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Months have passed. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco are in jail.)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Rumor is they're gonna hang me in a couple minutes.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
Aw Joey, I always believed in you.

ANGRY MINISTER
Me too.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You? But you're the guy who had me arrested.

ANGRY MINISTER
Yes, but I've had an unpredictable change of heart.

(Mean Old Judge and Crazy Puritans show up.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, we decided we'll let you live if you publicly confess to witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Fine, fuck it. I'm a witch.

AUDIENCE
Huh? That's not supposed to happen. He's supposed to say he can't live without his name.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Are you kiddin' me? My name's Buttafuoco for Chrissake. I think I can do without it.

THE END

7.23.2005

Rosemary's Baby

Directed by: A bad man who likes little girls
Starring: Mia Farrow, Old People Satanists, and Lucifer (in an uncredited cameo)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROSEMARY
Hi.

NEIGHBOR LADY
Hi.

(Later, Neighbor Lady falls to her death.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! How could this have happened?!

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
No clue. But here, eat this chocolate mousse I made for you. Your husband is in agreement.

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yes.

(Rosemary eats the chocolate mousse and falls unconscious. She has a trippy dream that is rivaled in weirdness only by the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka. Floating heads are laughing all around her, then the devil appears and they screw.)

ROSEMARY (wakes up)
Oh, what a strange dream!
(realizes her back is all clawed up)
Ah! What happened?

SELFISH HUSBAND
I decided to have my way with you while you were unconscious, and you know how I like it rough. Anyway, I have to go to work now. My stalled acting career has mysteriously and abruptly taken off!

ROSEMARY
I might be pregnant.

GOOD DOCTOR
You are.

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE (to Rosemary)
Don't go to him. Here's a better doctor.

EVIL DOCTOR
Hi.

(Evil Doctor prescribes evil things for Rosemary. Wicked Witch of the West Side gives Rosemary evil drinks. Soon, Rosemary has turned into an "anorexic" Paris Hilton and sports a Meg Ryan haircut.)

ROSEMARY'S FRIENDS
You look like Lindsay Lohan after she started doing coke.

NICE OLD MAN
Rosemary, I have to tell you something very important about your neighbors!

ROSEMARY
What is it?

NICE OLD MAN
Oh, I can't tell you now. Come by my place tomorrow when I'm almost certain to be dead.

(She does and he's right.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! I wonder what he wanted to tell me and if it has anything to do with this book he left for me: "New York Witches And The High-Rise Apartments They Live In".
(Thirty agonizing minutes later...)
Oh, my neighbors must be witches!

AUDIENCE
Well, duh.

(Rosemary frolicks around town and then falls unconscious. She wakes up in her bed.)

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
Shhh...everything is all right now. Oh, by the way, you had a miscarriage while you were unconscious.
(A baby cries from the next room.)
Yep. A miscarriage.
(Baby cries again.)
Well, gotta go!

AUDIENCE
Hold on...at some point isn't this movie supposed to get scary?

(Rosemary sneaks into the next room and discovers a meeting of Old People Satanists.)

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Satan!

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yeah, uh, hail Satan!

ROSEMARY
Wait, you're a Satanist too?

SELFISH HUSBAND
No, I'm just selfish.

(Rosemary peers into a baby carriage to see her baby for the first time.)

ROSEMARY
AHHHH, what have you done to his eyes?!

HEAD SATANIST
Nothing. He has his father's eyes.

LUCIFER
Yeah, relax babe. I didn't freak out when I saw he's got your nose.

ROSEMARY
Oh my, I'm the mistresss of the devil and mother to the antichrist!

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Yep.

ROSEMARY
So then...shouldn't you all be worshipping me too?

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Rosemary!

LUCIFER
That's my girl.

THE END

7.17.2005

Timeline

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Some unconvincing grad students, some unconvincing Medieval Europeans, and Bill Gates
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Gates and his attorney are in Microsoft's new product testing lab.)

BILL GATES
We just used our secret time machine to inadvertantly send one of the teachers from "Head of the Class" back to Medieval France. Oops.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Which teacher?

BILL GATES
The Scottish guy no one took seriously.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Should I send the Marines back in time to rescue him?

BILL GATES
No. Let's send Paul Walker and some nameless B-movie actors instead. That way, if the rescue mission fails—which it almost certainly will—the world won't be any worse off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A team of grad students, including Paul Walker and Ethan Embry, arrive at Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES
We need you to use my company's time machine to travel to Medieval France and rescue Billy Connelly.

PAUL WALKER
No problem, man. Which car do I drive?

BILL GATES
Um...

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, you own a time machine?

BILL GATES
That's right. How else do you think we've been able to so accurately predict the market trends for the past two decades? Anyway, we were doing research for our new product, Windows BC: The Prehistoric Edition, and as an unintended consequence discovered this link to medieval Europe. Now—do any of you know how time travel works?

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, I saw Back to the Future.

BILL GATES
Did you understand it?

ETHAN EMBRY
I guess.

BILL GATES
Then you're over-qualified for this mission. You'll stay here. The rest of you, suit up.

(They suit up and are about to enter the time machine.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, I don't speak French!

BILL GATES
Don't worry, we're sending Monsieur Francois along with you to translate.

(The team of grad students and company workers use the Big, Flashy Igloo to travel back in time to Medieval France, where half the team including Monsieur Francois are promptly killed.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Well, that sucks. Now what?

GUY FROM MINORITY REPORT
Look, there's Billy Connelly. Let's rescue him.

(They do.)

BILLY CONNELLY
Hello, my friends.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Hello there.

AUDIENCE
Huh?! More than one Scottish dude in a movie that's not Braveheart? This is outrageous!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at Microsoft...)

BILL GATES
Unfortunately, a grenade blew up the time machine.

ETHAN EMBRY
What?! When did this happen?!

BILL GATES
While you were in the can. Anyway, it looks like the mission is doomed.

ETHAN EMBRY
Wait, can't we use quantum physics to travel to another universe and rescuse them?

BILL GATES
No, you're thinking of the book. We had to dumb down the scientific explanations for the target movie audience, so this busted time machine is all we got.

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, can't we try to fix it?

BILL GATES
I guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in Medieval France...)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hurry, everyone! Pissed Off English Guy and Disgruntled Microsoft Ex-Employee are chasing us!

PAUL WALKER
Don't worry. We can all hop in my 330 GTC and high-tail it out of here.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Um...that's a donkey.

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Grrrrrrr! I'm mad because Bill Gates sent me back in time without a way to get home!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Why'd he do that?

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Remember Windows ME? That was my idea.

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate you Americans!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your hair!

BILLY CONNELLY
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your TV show!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hey, it looks like Microsoft just fixed the time machine! Quick, let's go!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Not me. I'm going to stay here with my new love, Hot Medieval French Chick.

(The rest of the team travel back to Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Welcome back.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Where's Bill Gates?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Hmm? Oh, he travelled back in time. I'm think he's dead now.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wow, a world without Bill Gates? How will we survive without his innovations?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
I'm pretty sure we won't.

PAUL WALKER
That sucks... Can I have his car?

THE END

7.14.2005

Psycho

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
Starring: A 24-piece string orchestra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Sigh* I want to marry my boyfriend but we don't have the money.

MALE CHAUVENIST BOSS (to Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe)
Hey Sweetcakes, do papa a solid and deposit this $40K for me.

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Argh...if I have to.
(realizes she could steal the money instead)
Cool.

(She flees the city with the cash. It gets dark.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Yawn* I'm tired. Hey—I can sleep there.
(parks at Spooky, Desolate Motel)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Welcome! Would you like a room? You'd be the only one here! Well, except for me, of course. And my mother... We live in that eerie, moonlit house on the hill, but you wouldn't want to meet her—she doesn't care much for company. What do you think of my collection of dead animals? Do you like taxidermy? Say, you look exhausted. Why not take a nice, hot shower?

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Well I'm really a bath person myself, but okay.

(She undresses. Handsome Schizophrenic spies on her through a peep-hole in the next room.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Scandolous!

(Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was a Babe is taking a shower. Suddenly, Scary Silhouette pulls back the shower curtain.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Ahhh!

24-PIECE STRING ORCHESTRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Scary Silhouette makes stabbing motions.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Ahhhh!! Chocolate syrup!!!!!!!

(Handsome Schizophrenic discovers the mess.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Oh Mother, will you ever learn?
(cleans up)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Hey, I haven't slept with my girlfriend for awhile. What gives?

HELPLESS SISTER
Well, where is she?

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Ah, therein lies the problem.

HELPLESS SISTER
We better call a detective.

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
I'll hire one with the money I didn't have to get married.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INEPT P.I.
Here I am.

HELPLESS SISTER
You're a detective?

INEPT P.I.
Hey, I look a lot more imposing with my trench coat and hat. I'll find your friend, just watch.

(Inept P.I. follows Jamie Lee Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe's trail to Spooky, Desolate Motel.)

INEPT P.I. (to Handsome Schizophrenic)
You haven't seen a young woman pass through here recently, have you?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Inept P.I. sneaks into the house.)

INEPT P.I.
Hmm, I see a scary, dark cellar...but I think the real evidence is upstairs.
(walks up the stairs)

(Suddenly Scary Silhouette shows up and stabs Inept P.I.)

24-PIECE STRING ORCHETRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Inept P.I. dances backwards down the stairs and dies.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC (shows up)
Mother, again?! My Lord...having been raised by you, I swear sometimes I wonder how I turned out so well-adjusted.
(goes back to the motel office)

HELPLESS SISTER AND SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND (arrive)
Hi, have you seen a detective pass through here recently?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend distracts him while Helpless Sister sneaks into the house.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Hmm, I wonder what's in the cellar...

(Cut to Square-Jawed Boyfriend and Handsome Schizophrenic chatting it up.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Hey, wait! You're just trying to distract me!
(knocks him out)
Mooooooother, here I come!!!

(Cut to Helpless Sister in the cellar. She comes across a skeleton wearing a sweater.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Aw, that's cute... Hey, wait, you're a rotting corpse! Ahhhhhh!!!

(Knife in hand, Handsome Schizophrenic shows up in a dress.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
This is from my RuPaul line.

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend shows up and knocks him out at the last second.)

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Booo-yah!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(An insane asylum. Handsome Schizophrenic is in a straight-jacket. Two doctors watch him from behind glass.)

DOCTOR ONE
So how did he become crazy anyway? Abused as a child?

DOCTOR TWO
No... He found out he's going to be played by Vince Vaughn in the remake.

DOCTOR ONE
Ahhhhhhh!!!

THE END

7.09.2005

A Beautiful Mind

Directed by: Ron Howard
Starring: Russell Crowe (Los Angeles Dept. of Corrections #15779), Jennifer Connelly (bra size 34C/D), and Christopher Plummer (face-lift count: 2)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Russell Crowe is teaching class.)

RUSSELL CROWE
Not only will I eventually win the Nobel Prize, but I'm also the only attractive math professor east of the Mississippi.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Excuse me. There's too much noise from outside to concentrate.

RUSSELL CROWE
Oh well, can't do anything about it.

JENNIFER CONNELLY (to Noisy Construction Workers)
Hey, could you keep it down?

NOISY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Okay.

RUSSELL CROWE
Eh, big deal. If I was a babe with bazookas like yours, everyone would listen to me too. Speaking of bazookas...it's time for my weekly meeting with the Department of Defense.
(goes to the Pentagon)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Decode this.

(He does.)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not bad. Now be on the lookout for secret Commie messages on everyday items.

RUSSELL CROWE
Makes sense to me.

(Old Limey Roommate shows up.)

OLD LIMEY ROOMMATE
Cheerio, Russell! Good to see ya, old chap. Wanna go boozin'?

RUSSELL CROWE
Nah. I gotta scan cereal boxes for Soviet propaganda. Hey...wasn't it weird how everytime in college when we used to go out, no one would ever acknowledge your existence?

RANDOM PASSERBY (to Russell Crowe)
You're speaking to yourself, crazy man.

RUSSELL CROWE
What?
(realizes only he can see Shady Government Guy and Old Limey Roommate)
Oh my God, I see dead people!

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAMADINGDONG
Hold everything! I own the exclusive rights to that. You now owe $450,000 in royalties.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jennifer Connelly and Russell Crowe are married.)

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Take your medicine so you won't be crazy.

RUSSELL CROWE
But my medicine makes Mr. Peepee pooh-pooh out.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
How is it possible that the older Jennifer Connelly grows, the hotter she gets?

RUSSELL CROWE
Hmm, that's an interesting theorem. Makes me think of another one that's been bouncing around in my head...
(creates Super Math Equation)
Wow, now I can win the Nobel Prize.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not so fast. We still have Commies to hunt.

RUSSELL CROWE
But you're not real.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Oh yes I am. I've just been in a Korean death camp these past few months.

RUSSELL CROWE
There's only one way to be sure.
(throws a phone at him; it passes right through and hits a bellhop)
I knew it; I am crazy!

JENNIFER CONNELLY
That's what happens when you don't take your medication.

RUSSELL CROWE
But when I take it, I can't get it up.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
Goddamn. It wouldn't matter if I was taking a slop bucket full of medication...if I was sleeping with Jennifer Connelly, I'd get it up.

THE END

7.04.2005

Training Day

Starring: All the crooked cops in Los Angeles and Ethan Hawke
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENZEL
Pay attention, kid. I'm going to show you how to be a cop in L.A. First lesson: smoke this crack.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...ok.
(does)

DENZEL
Second lesson: extort some dirty money.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...ok.
(does)

DENZEL
Third lesson: shoot this guy and make it look like self-defense.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...no.
(does not)

DENZEL
How dare you defy me! You just signed your own death warrant! Just playin', dawg. We're still tight.
(takes out a hit on Ethan Hawke's life)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Later that night, Ethan Hawke interrupts Denzel's booty call.)

DENZEL
Heh, I see you survived my hit squad. Well, you're a dead man now. All the brothas in this neighborhood have my back.

NEIGHBORHOOD BROTHAS
No, we just decided we hate you now.

DENZEL
Damn...
(gets his ass kicked)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Beaten and bruised, Denzel is driving home after the fight.)

DENZEL
This sure turned out to be one really shitty day.

(Suddenly, the Russian Mob shows up and turns him into swiss cheese.)

THE END

The Grudge

Starring: Buffy, Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, and some ghosts (not vampires)
Setting: Tokyo, Japan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
Good morning, honey. Isn't it a lovely day? You seem a bit detached. Is everything all right?

(Bill Pullman jumps off their twelfth floor balcony.)

BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
I'll take that as a no.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NERDY CAREWORKER
You—Nurse Buffy—go check on Crazy Old Woman who lives across town. I'd send the usual careworker, but she mysteriously disappeared once stepping foot inside the obviously-haunted house. Well, cheers!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NURSE BUFFY (inside the spooky house)
Hello...is anyone here?

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
(faints)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nurse Buffy is in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man...wow, I thought you were a goner f'sure. Wanna have sex?

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Nurse Buffy, I need to ask you some questions...

NURSE BUFFY
Detective, from the moment I entered that house I felt something was wrong.

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Hmm? Oh yes, well that's likely because we found a young couple corpsing it up in the attic alongside some chick's dismembered jaw. Or it could be because the last family that lived there was hideously butchered and now their violent ghosts are spooking the place. Actually, it's probably a little of column A, a little of column B.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nerdy Careworker is preparing to leave the Careworker Center. It's the middle of the night.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Well, here I am, having wasted yet another Saturday night in the Careworker Center masturbating to file photos of crazy old women. I really need a girlfriend.

(Dead Careworker Asian Chick shows up. She's missing her lower jaw, and her tongue's flapping around.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Eh, that's pretty messed up! Then again, that tongue is kinda hot... Hmm, seems like as good a time as any to get my first French kiss. Okay baby, lay it on me!
(promptly dies)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, my boy-toy is missing!

MORONIC DETECTIVE
He probably went to the spooky house. Whatever you do, don't go in that house! It will kill you!

(Ten minutes later, Mornonic Detective goes in the house and is killed.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Flashback three years. Bill Pullman walks into the spooky house.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hello, anybody home? I keep getting these love letters sent from this address and, the stud that I am, I haven't gotten around to seeing who's been sending them until now.

(Ghost Boy shows up.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hi.

GHOST BOY
Meow.

BILL PULLMAN
What's the matter, kid? Cat got your tongue? Hahahahahaha! Get it?!

(Nurse Buffy enters.)

NURSE BUFFY
Oh gosh, sorry, I must have the wrong scene...

BILL PULLMAN
No, it's okay. In fact, you're just in time. I'm about to uncover why this house is so spooky. So it's good you're here. Otherwise, we'd have to spend another half hour on exposition.

(They search the house and find the bloody bodies of a man and woman. Bill Pullman goes to leave.)

NURSE BUFFY
Where're you going?!

BILL PULLMAN
I've got an appointment with a sidewalk I can't miss.
(leaves)

(Nurse Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, suddenly crumpled in the corner, starts to groan.)

NURSE BUFFY
OMG! Are you okay?

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man, I think I smoked some bad shit...

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, it's that ghost again! Time for me to put my pyromaniac tendancies to good use.
(burns down the house)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nurse Buffy is back in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY
Thank God everything is all right.

MORONIC DETECTIVE'S ASSISTANT
Yes... Well except for the fact that your boyfriend died a grisly death. Speaking of which, his corpse is in the next room, take a look.

(She does.)

NURSE BUFFY (to the corpse)
*Sob.* You were the favorite of all my boy-toys.

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
You again? Isn't it a bit cliched for you to show up and kill me in the final scene?

GHOST CHICK
Look, lady, I get one stinkin' line in this whole flick. Cut me some slack.

THE END