The Phantom of the Opera

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Actors singing in their own voices and Minnie Driver
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(Fade up on the Paris Opera House in the 19th century.)

CHRISTINE
"In sleep he sang to me; in dreams he came."

MPAA RATINGS BOARD
We've heard enough. Bump this one up to PG-13.

CHRISTINE'S FRIEND WITH HUGE KNOCKERS
Christine, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

PHANTOM (masked)
Hello.

CHRISTINE
Oh! Who are you? My dead father?

PHANTOM
What the hell? I'm the guy who's been giving you voice lessons for the past five years.

CHRISTINE
Oh yeah...

PHANTOM
Come with me, my Angel of Music.

(He leads her to his super secret basement hideout. There are mysterious waterways, lots of burning candles, and at one point they ride Mr. Ed.)

PHANTOM (to Christine)
Look what I made.

(He shows her his lifesize sculpture of her. She faints. Fade out. Next thing we see, she wakes up in his bed sans stockings and with her hair all messed up.)

CHRISTINE
Oh my! What did you do to me while I was asleep?

PHANTOM (lounging in his robe, smoking a cigarette)
Nothing, babe.

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(Raoul approaches Two Queer Opera Managers.)

RAOUL
Where is Christine?

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS
Don't ask us. We're only the comic relief.

RAOUL
I must find her. I just realized I'm in love.

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS (gazing longlingly into each other's eyes)
*Sigh*...so have we.

SCARY CHOREOGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Mademoselle Christine has returned.

RAOUL
You know, you really stand out.

SCARY CHOROGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Is it zee way I dress in all black?

RAOUL
That and the fact you're the only one of us to speak in a French accent.

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(That night. Christine is performing in the opera. Raoul and Two Queer Managers are watching. Suddenly, Phantom gets mad and hangs some dude from the balcony.)

EVERYONE
Ahhhhh!!!!

(Christine runs outside; Raoul is at her heels.)

CHRISTINE
OMG, he's going to come after me next!

RAOUL
Who?

CHRISTINE
The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
Christine, there is no Phantom of the Opera.

CHRISTINE
Huh? Who do you think just killed that fat guy?

RAOUL
Probably some psychotic loner living amongst the shadows of the theater.

CHRISTINE
Exactly! The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
I'm not following.

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(Phantom gets mad and challenges Raoul to a duel. Raoul kicks his ass and is about to kill him.)

CHRISTINE
Raoul, don't!

(Raoul lets him live and runs off with Christine.)

PHANTOM
They let me live... For that, they shall pay with their lives!

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TWO QUEER MANAGERS
Hey Christine, the Phantom just gave us this new opera he wrote. He wants you to play the lead. Here's the script. We open in two hours.

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(Christine is performing in the new opera. Suddenly Phantom walks on stage and begins to seduce her.)

RAOUL (from his box in the audience)
It's the Phantom!

FRENCH COPS
Let's get him!

RAOUL (watching Phantom and Christine making mental love to each other)
Wait! This is kind of turning me on.

(Phantom is about to kiss Christine when she unmasks him.)

OPERA AUDIENCE (in horror)
Dear God! He has a bad sunburn!

PHANTOM (in agony)
The bottle said SPF 15! THE BOTTLE SAID SPF 15!!!!

(He kidnaps Christine and takes her to to his super secret hideout a.k.a. the basement.)

PHANTOM
You'll stay here with me forever! No one will ever find you!

RAOUL (shows up)
Christine!

PHANTOM
Ah, shit.

CHRISTINE
Raoul!

PHANTOM
All right, I get it. You two are in love. Fine, scram.

(Christine kisses him deeply and passionately.)

PHANTOM
Oh my... Does this mean you've loved me all along??

CHRISTINE
No, I'm just a tease.
(leaves with Raoul)

PHANTOM
*Sigh*...I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Ed.

MR. ED (in despair)
Willlllllburrrrr!!!

THE END

The Omen

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Oscar Winner Gregory Peck, Oscar Nominee Lee Remick, and the Infamous No-Named Horror Movie Supporting Cast
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(Cue: Scary music with demonic Latin chanting. Half the audience pisses their collective pants.)

SCARY DOCTOR
Your wife just had a miscarriage but she doesn't know it yet. If you'd like, we can offer a replacement and she'll never know the difference.

GREGORY PECK
Okay, give me that half-human, half-jackal baby you've got brooding in the corner.

SCARY DOCTOR
As you wish.

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(Three years have passed.)

LEE REMICK
Honey, have you noticed anything strange about our son Damien lately?

GREGORY PECK
Whatever do you mean?

LEE REMICK
Well, for instance, last week I took him to that drive-through zoo and all the baboons tried to eat him.

GREGORY PECK
Hmm...

LEE REMICK
And then, when we took him to church on Sunday he screamed like Dakota Fanning caught in a blender.

GREGORY PECK
Yes...

LEE REMICK
And on his birthday party, his nanny committed suicide in his name.

EVIL MARY POPPINS (arrives)
Speaking of which, hello!

GREGORY PECK
Who are you?

EVIL MARY POPPINS
I'm the new nanny.

GREGORY PECK
That's funny, we didn't advertise for a new nanny.

EVIL MARY POPPINS
No, you didn't.

GREGORY PECK
Well, welcome aboard!

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(Gregory Peck is in his office.)

SECRETARY (on the intercom)
Sir, Raving Priest is here to see you.

GREGORY PECK

Send him in.

RAVING PRIEST (entering)
There's something wrong with your son!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, not you too...

RAVING PRIEST
He's the Antichrist!

GREGORY PECK
That's fascinating. Say, Father, why don't you take a nice long walk to clear your head.

(Raving Priest does so and is impaled by a lightening rod.)

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BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Look at these pictures I took of the people around your son who have died recently! The pictures all predict their deaths!

GREGORY PECK
I can't believe this...

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
What, that your son is the Antichrist?

GREGORY PECK
No, that I'm an Oscar Winner presently acting alongside the guy whose biggest claim to fame will be playing the Scientist in Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles II.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
True, but fortunately mine wasn't the career most damaged by that particular movie.

VANILLA ICE (flipping burgers)
Not cool, man. Not cool.

GREGORY PECK
Well, I guess I better go to Italy and see what Reclusive Religious Guy has to say.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
I'll come too.

GREGORY PECK
Why?

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Hey, I won't be chasing Princess Di's limo for twenty years. I need to pass the time somehow.

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(They go to Italy and learn Damien is the Antichrist.)

GREGORY PECK
Now that Reclusive Religious Guy has said it, it must be true!

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
We need to kill your son! Wait...let me pick up this knife I dropped by this massive sliding plate of glass.
(gets decapitated)

GREGORY PECK
Well, there goes my lunch.

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(Gregory Peck travels back home, where he learns Evil Mary Poppins has thrown his ailing wife out her hospital window to her death.)

GREGORY PECK
So much for a spoonful of sugar...

EVIL MARY POPPINS (charging him)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Gregory Peck showcases his manly strength by beating the shit out her.)

GREGORY PECK
Now to kill my son.

(He takes Damien to the church and prepares to stab him.)

COPS
Freeeeeze, punk!!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, officers I'll be with you in just a second. First I have to make pulled pork out of my demon child.

(The cops riddle him with bullets.)

DAMIEN
Thank you, officers. I will demonstrate my gratitude by saving your souls from eternal hellfire...for at least three months.

COPS
Aww, he's so cute.

THE END

Good Will Hunting

Starring: 2 Afflecks, 2 pricks, and Robin Williams
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PROFESSOR SWEDE
You're smart. Why are you a janitor?

MATT DAMON
Because I'm also a bad boy, motherfucker.

PROFESSOR SWEDE
I detect you have emotional problems. Go see friendly therapist, Robin Williams.

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DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
Hello, Will.

MATT DAMON
I hate you, you stupid fucking quack.

DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
My wife farted in bed.

MATT DAMON
I love you.

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(Matt Damon is at a bar with preppy college students and Minnie Driver.)

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
Blah blah blah Karl Marx blah blah blah Jean Paul Sartre blah blah blah Thomas Hobbes...

(Minnie Driver is not impressed. Matt Damon begins to talk like the Architect in The Matrix. Now Minnie Driver is impressed.)

MATT DAMON (to Preppy College Student)
I got her number. How do you like them apples?

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
She looks like a man. How do you like them apples?

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MINNIE DRIVER
Will, I love you.

MATT DAMON
And I hate you.

(Minnie Driver leaves.)

MATT DAMON
Was it something I said?

THE END

Twister

Starring: Hillbilly Tornado Chasers, Hillbilly Scientists, Pepsi can shards, special FX, some British guy trying to sound like a hillbilly, and other disturbing things
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(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz are in civilization.)

JAMI GERTZ
We're so in love. We should get married right away.

BILL PAXTON
Okay... D'oh! I just remembered I'm still married to my ex-wife, the hillbilly tornado chaser.

JAMI GERTZ
Oh well. I guess we could just move to Utah.

BILL PAXTON
No, it's not a problem. She just has to sign the final divorce papers. Say, let's take a week off work to drive down and watch her sign them in person. I'm sure that won't be awkward.

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz arrive in Hillbilly Country.)

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 1
Yeee-haw! We chase tarnados!

HELEN HUNT
Hi, Bill. Here're the papers you want. I just have to sign my name to them to make the divorce official. Anyone have a pen? Okay, here's an "H"... And now an "E"...

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 2
Pack up yar saddles, ladies! My Chevy's satellite imaging's telling me we got a big'un comin'!

AUDIENCE
You'd think if he has a satellite imager, he could afford to buy some teeth.

(The Hillbillys, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, and Jami Gertz all drive into the tornado.)

JAMI GERTZ (to Bill Paxton)
What are we still doing here? This tornado hasn't rekindled the love between you and your ex-wife, has it?

BILL PAXTON
Er...hey look, a flying cow!

HILLBILLY COW
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YER ASS I'M COMIN' THRU! YEEEEEE-HAW!
(flies by)

HELEN HUNT
Look over there! It's Evil Tornado Scientist Guy!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
Muhahahahahahahaha!!!! I've stolen the idea for your Tornado Predictor Thingofmajig and will use it to profit from science!

EVERYONE ELSE
Noooooooooooo!!!

JAMI GERTZ
You do realize that your "Tornado Predictor" machine is nothing more than an oversized trashcan filled with miniature snow-globes, right?

(Pause)

HELEN HUNT AND BILL PAXTON
Yeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!!!

(Repeat three times with different tornados.)

JAMI GERTZ
That's it, I'm outta here.
(leaves)

(Repeat two more times.)

BILL PAXTON
Oh no, look! It's the biggest, baddest tornado of them all!

BAD TORNADO
Whooooooooooooooooooshhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
I saw it first! I'm gonna capture it, cage it up in my basement, and charge ten bucks a head to see it! Hahahahahaha, later, suckers!
(dies)

BILL PAXTON
Quick, we need to make peace with the tornado. Put the trashca—I mean, Tornado Predictor in it's path and let's see what happens.

(They do, but they almost die.)

HELEN HUNT
Did it work?

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 3
All I kin see are them Pepsi cans we put in thar flyin' 'bout.

HELEN HUNT
That means it's working!

BILL PAXTON, HELEN HUNT, AND THE HILLBILLIES
Hoooooray!!!!

PEPSI CEO STEVEN S. REINEMUND
Hoooooray!!!!

BILL PAXTON
Phew...well, that was fun, huh? All right, time to go back to civilization with my fiancee—hey, where is she?

HELEN HUNT
She cursed your name and took off like two days ago.

BILL PAXTON
Hmm...that might put a damper on our wedding. Oh well, guess I'll just stay here.

HELEN HUNT
Glad to have ya back, cowboy.

EVERYONE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!

(They all go home and vote Republican.)

THE END

Speed

Staring: Big Bus, Big Bomb, and Big Explosion
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POLICE CAPTAIN
Chief, I have some bad news. A madman's placed a bomb on a moving bus, and it'll explode if the bus slows below 50 mph.

POLICE CHIEF
My God! Quick, call in the Justice Department, FBI, FEMA—

POLICE CAPTAIN
No need, Chief. I put my two best cops on the case: Ted from Bill and Ted and Harry from Dumb and Dumber.

POLICE CHIEF
We're fucked.

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(Ted boards a moving bus.)

TED (to the passengers)
Attention, everyone, I'm a cop. Now, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a bomb on this bus.

DIVERSE GROUP OF MULTIETHNIC PASSENGERS (very alarmed)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

TED
Okay, who here is playing the comic relief/love interest?

SANDRA BULLOCK (from the back)
Me.

TED
You're sitting too far away. I can't oggle your body from back there. Here, come up front and drive the bus.

BUS DRIVER
Excuse me...are you sure? I mean, I've been trained to handle a vehicle of this size and—

TED
You go shush now!

(Bus Driver gets shot, and Sandra Bullock takes his place.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
I should warn you, I don't have a license.

TED
Yes, but on the plus side, you have boobs.

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HARRY
I'm going to arrest the bomber now.

POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay.

(Harry and various cops arrive at the bomber's house.)

RANDOM COP
Wait! We probably shouldn't go inside. See that flashing red light connected to that metal box with wires sticking out of it?

HARRY
Yeah?

RANDOM COP
Might be a bomb.

HARRY
Shut up, rookie. Besides, a blinking red light on a bomb would mean it hasn't been set yet. You know, like a VCR.

RANDOM COP
Uh, are you sure?

HARRY
Positive.
(goes inside)

(BOOM.)

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SANDRA BULLOCK
So, are you going to help us off the bus?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Well, are you going to diffuse the bomb?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
So what should we do?

TED
Um...drive faster.

SANDRA BULLOCK
That's it?!

TED
No. Also drive over that unfinished bridge up ahead.

(They do. It is cool.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Wow, we made it! You'd think all that raucus would have set off the bomb.

TED
Yeah, you'd think.

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POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay, we were able to trick the mad bomber and get everyone safely off the bus, but now he's kidnapped Sandra Bullock and escaped into the subway.

TED
I'll save her!

(He goes into the subway and sees the mad bomber.)

MAD BOMBER
Hahaha, you can't beat me! You're just one cop!

TED
Ah, but I'm playing the same cop I played in Point Break, where I kicked some serious ass.

MAD BOMBER
Noooooooooooo!!!
(gets beheaded)

SANDRA BULLOCK (to Ted)
My hero!
(They kiss.)
I had such a great time. Are you ready for the sequel?

TED
Um...yeah, I just...have to get something from my car.

(He runs off and we hear the fleeing squeal of tires.)

THE END

Minority Report

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Hollywood Hunk Tom Cruise, Hollywood Hunk Colin Farrell, Hollywood Hunk Max von Sydow
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TOM CRUISE
Look how great our Crime ESP is. We police catch killers before they kill.

COLIN FARRELL
But what if one of your predicitions is wrong?

TOM CRUISE
Haha, that notion is too ridiculous to ponder.

(The Murder Psychics predict wrong and name Tom Cruise as the next killer. Now all the police hate him.)

TOM CRUISE
Oh no! I better hide out at Murder Psychics' Mother's house.
(does)

UGLY OLD WOMAN
Hey baby, gimme a smootch.
(sloppily frenches him)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)

Good God.

POLICE WHO NOW HATE TOM CRUISE
There he is! Get him!

TOM CRUISE
Oh no, I'm going to be caught! What should I do?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
We're about to lose the male 11-15 crowd. Do cool action movie stunts.

(Tom Cruise becomes the Rocketeer and dances around with a jetpack.)

MALES 11-15
Yay!!

TOM CRUISE
Now I must solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
First, I must cut out your eyes.
(does)

TOM CRUISE
Okay. Now I can finally solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
Wait! Drink this milk.

(Tom Cruise drinks green milk and swallows enough mold to make penicillan for a small town.)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)
Good God.

TOM CRUISE
Now can I pleeeease solve the mystery??

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No! Hide from these robotic tarantalas.

(He does.)

TOM CRUISE
This sucks. I'm outta here.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Okay, solve the mystery.

TOM CRUISE (does)
Aha, so it was Old Murder Psychic Guy all along!

AUDIENCE
Huh? We don't get it.

TOM CRUISE
Let me explain it all to you through an extended and elaborate powerpoint presentation.
(does)

AUDIENCE
Now we see—Old Murder Psychic Guy is bad.

OLD MURDER PSYCHIC GUY
Yep. But I'm not that bad—watch as I vindicate my wrongs by committing suicide.

(He does and he does.)

TOM CRUISE
Wow, we were sure dumb. All right, let all the murderers free!

(They release all the prisoners, who promptly kill half the city.)

THE END