9.11.2006

House of Wax

Starring: Kim Bauer, Famous Slut, Dumbass Guys and Waxface
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DUMBASS GUY NO. 1
Hey let's drive across the country to see a nondescript football game for some reason.

OTHER DUMBASSES
Yeah!

FAMOUS SLUT
Sounds hot. By the way, I'm pregnant.

(They take two cars. It gets dark.)

KIM BAUER (staring out the window)
OMG, look!

(They look out the window. In the other car, Famous Slut is giving a Dumbass No. 1 road head.)

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What, it's just Paris Hilton giving a blowjob.

DUMBASS WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA
I have to get this on tape!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
Why? Don't you already have it saved on your hard drive?

KIM BAUER
Look, there's a spooky campground where we can sleep for the night.

(They do. The next morning they are visited by the Redneck from Deliverance.)

REDNECK FROM DELIVERANCE
Howdy-do, youngens. Any'un care to join me for some roadkill stew? It'll be good eatin'.

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Um, no thanks, but can you give Kim and I a ride to town? Our car has mysteriously broken down.

(Redneck from Deliverance does, during which time he constantly leers at Kim Bauer's breasts)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Meh, I can't blame you.

(They arrive at town.)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Hey, look. There's a House of Wax. Let's go investigate.

(He does. And then Waxface turns him into a wax dummy.)

KIM BAUER
Help help!!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What is it?

KIM BAUER
Crazy twin brothers have turned all the people in town into wax figures!! Also, I think I just saw a cougar.

(Meanwhile, Waxface has killed the other Dumbasses. He chases Famous Slut into some industrial building by the campground that wasn't there the night before. Then he throws a steel beam through her head. Famous Slut dies a gruesome death.)

AUDIENCE (cheering in unison)
Hooray!!!

GUY IN AUDIENCE
That's one pole she won't be dancing with.

(Meanwhile, Kim's Deadbeat Brother shoots Waxface's Brother/Lover in the heart with a crossbow. Depressed, Waxface's Brother/Lover returns home.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Hi, honey, I'm back. What a day!

(Waxface, concerned, tries to take the arrow out of his brother's chest.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Don't bother. It's only a flesh wound.

(Meanwhile, Kim Bauer and her Deadbeat Brother set fire to the House (Made) of Wax, which is flammable for some reason. The crazy brothers die and the house turns into goo.)

(The next morning, Hillbilly Sheriff and his deputies show up.)

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
So those two crazies turned everybody into a wax dummy, huh? Who'da thunk it?

KIM BAUER
Didn't you ever bother to check on the dozens of people during the past thirty years who entered this town and never returned?

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
Nah, we let 'em be. Figured they were Unitarians.

THE END

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