1.14.2006

Career Opportunities

Starring:
Frank Whaley as.....That Tool From School Who Thought He Was Cool
Jennifer Connelly as........................Girl Waaaay Outta His League
John Candy as...........Role That Likely Took All Of 5 Minutes To Film
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HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip. One day I'm gonna be the CEO of Target.

TARGET MANAGER
You can start by mopping the floors.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
That's ok. This is probably how Bill Gates began.

BILL GATES (watching)
What a fuckin' loser.

(Target closes, but High School Tool spots an extremely hot shoplifter in a shirt two sizes too small.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
We have a policy of prosecuting all shoplifters, but I'll let you off the hook if you show me your rack.

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE
Sorry, this is the one movie where I don't take my clothes off. But to compromise, I'll have sex with this toy horse.

(She does and it is hot.)

BUMBLING CROOKS FROM HOME ALONE (show up)
We're notorious thieves. That's why we're robbing a Target.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL (to Girl Way Outta His League)
Uh oh! Let's run around and do stupid shit!

(They do. Bumbling Crooks are outsmarted at every turn. Repeat.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip.

(We reach the point in the movie where the editor apparently peaced out because the rest of the flick is as disjointed as a Mad Libs story.)

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE (to High School Tool)
It's all right, I have a (noun) ___hot body___. I'll destract the crooks by (verb) ___stripping___. Meanwhile, you just try to look (description) __like an assface__. I promise that come tomorrow we will be relaxing in (location) __Abu Gharib__, sipping cocktails while watching the sunset.

THE END

1.07.2006

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Starring: Father Moore, Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith, Jack McCoy With A Mustache, Head Suit, Hot Possessed Chick, etc.
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HEAD SUIT
You—Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith—we need you to defend Father Moore. He's an old quack priest who killed some chick during an exorcism. Have fun!

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(Outside the courthouse...)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
Okay, Father, why don't you tell me what happened?

FATHER MOORE
I worked to dispell Satan and six other devils from Emily Rose's body, but he gripped her in the dark cloak of death!

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I see... Now, are you familiar with the insanity defense?

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE (shows up)
Hi, Father Moore. I'm from Law and Order S.T.F.U. Stoned Trippin' Fathers Unit. I understand you killed some freaky hot chick.

FATHER MOORE
She was possessed by the devil!

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
Hmm, a cokehead priest...we've seen a lot of this lately. Father, you been doin' some of mother nature's baby power? You been sniffin' the good stuff?

FATHER MOORE
Well, it's not the 80s and I'm not Lindsay Lohan, so NO.

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
You're charged with second degree murder, but you've got a nice face and I've got a lunch engagement with one of my prostitutes, so I'm willing to drop the charges to reckless jaywalking, $18 fine.

FATHER MOORE
NO DEALS.

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(The trial begins. A third of the audience leaves the movie to see if they are in the right theatre. They do not return. Occasionally we see flashbacks featuring Emily Rose twisted into a pretzel.)

GUY IN AUDIENCE
A contortionist chick...that's hot.

(We see a flashback of the exorcism. Father Moore, Emily's Dad, Emily's Boyfriend and Pussy Doctor are present.)

FATHER MOORE
Who is in you?!

EMILY ROSE (possessed)
Cain! Nero! Hecuba! Judas! Carrottop!

FATHER MOORE
Dear Christ!

PUSSY DOCTOR (to Boyfriend)
How can you possibly still be seeing her?

BOYFRIEND
Look how many men she's let in her already. It's just a matter of time before I get lucky.

(The exorcism finishes, but nothing is different.)

DAD
Now what?

FATHER MOORE
Hell if I know.

(Mary, Mother of God shows up.)

FATHER MOORE
Ah, now it all makes sense.

(Mary does nothing and goes away.)

FATHER MOORE
Shit.

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(Back at the trial. Closing arguments.)

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
And then Emily Rose died. Find Father Moore guilty of murder.
(sits)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I was an atheist, but then freaky shit began happening in my apartment, so now I believe in God. Anyway, vote not guilty.

(Thirty seconds later.)

JURORS
We find the defendant guilty...

JUDGE (sweating, to herself)
Uh oh, I thought this movie wasn't supposed to take a stand one way or the other. Now Pat Robertson's gonna be on our ass.

JURORS
...but we think he's nice and shouldn't go to jail.

JUDGE
Phew...

PAT ROBERTSON
Hooray!

THE END

1.03.2006

Lolita

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick (a.k.a. "Scary Man with Crazy Beard")
Starring: Humbert (squared), Lolita, Slutty Landlady and Woody Allen
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HUMBERT (squared)
I'm a divorced British professor of French literature who has traveled to small town America in order to teach at the local school. I need a place to stay.

SLUTTY LANDLADY
I'll rent you my vagin...I mean, my spare room. By the way here's my precocious, sexually-curious teenage daughter, Lolita.

HUMBERT (squared)
Shaawing!

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SLUTTY LANDLADY
Wanna sleep with me?

HUMBERT (squared)
Nope.

(Slutty Landlady finds out Humbert is a pedaphile lusting after her daughter. Five seconds later she is run over by a car.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Phew, that was convenient. Hey, Lolita! Let's go for a vacation without Mummy. By the way, don't look down the street.

(He and Lolita travel the country. Lolita is totally macking on him.)

HUMBERT (squared)
By the way, your mom is dead.

LOLITA
I hate you. No, I don't.

(She does.)

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(They stop at a hotel for the night. Humbert squared goes onto the porch for some air.)

WOODY ALLEN
Oh Gawd! Hello.

HUMBERT (squared)
Um, hi.

WOODY ALLEN
You have a nice face. I wish I had a nice face. That's a pretty little girl with you. I like little girls.

HUMBERT (squared)
Ok, I think I'll go back inside now.

WOODY ALLEN
Youhaveanicefacegoodnight.

(We think Lolita and Humbert squared get it on, but we don't see anything. They continue to drive cross country. It becomes apparent that Lolita wears the pants in the relationship.)

LOLITA
Stop at the next gas station.

HUMBERT (squared)
Why?

LOLITA
Cause I said so, bitch!

(Humbert squared goes inside to take a piss and sees Lolita mackin' it with some dude in a coupe, who then drives off.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Who was that?

LOLITA
Who?

HUMBERT (squared)
That guy.

LOLITA
What guy?

HUMBERT (squared)
The guy in that car?

LOLITA
What car?

HUMBERT (squared)
The car that just left this gas station.

LOLITA
What gas station?

HUMBERT (squared)
Stop playing games!

LOLITA
Who's on first?

HUMBERT (squared)
Who?

LOLITA
Exactly.

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(Their affair continues unfettered except now she acts like a bitch and he like a pussy all of the time instead of 90% of the time. Then Lolita gets "sick".)

LOLITA
*Cough, Cough*

HUMBERT (squared)
I'll call the ambulence!

(The next morning he goes to the hospital to have her released.)

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm here to pick up Lolita.

NURSE
Oh, Uncle Buck came to pick her up three hours ago.

HUMBERT (squared) (turns into the Hulk and starts knocking over shit)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BLAH!! BOOO!! BRAHHH!!

NURSE (to an orderly)
Call the police!

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm cool.

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(One year passes without a trace of Lolita. Then one day she sends him a letter and he goes to visit her.)

LOLITA
Hi. Dis is my baby daddy. We're hard up for some cash.

HUMBERT (squared)
Come back with me.

LOLITA
You stupid fucking prick. I was fucking around on your pathetic ass with a guy who makes a fortune directing movies and playing with little girls: Woody Allen. By the way, I always hated you.

HUMBERT (squared)
Here's five thousand dollars.

LOLITA
I love you! Visit anytime!

(Humbert squared departs in tears and then kills Woody Allen.)

HUMBERT (squared)
That was for Lolita...and "What's Up, Tiger Lilly". That movie sucked!

THE END