Executive Decision

Starring: Kurt Russell, Steven Seagal, Arab Terrorists, Multicultural Good Guys, and Steven Seagal (in case you missed it the first time)
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STEVEN SEAGAL
Come on, commandos! Let's go get the terrorist nerve gas!

COMMANDOS
Yay!

(The terrorist nerve gas is missing.)

STEVEN SEAGAL
D'oh.

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(Meanwhile, Middle-Eastern terrorists, with possession of the nerve gas, have hijacked a commercial airliner.)

TED KENNEDY AND C.A.I.R.
You can't make the terrorists Arabs! That's racist!

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Please just shut the fuck up.

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(A multicultural taskforce of good guys, assembled to take out the terrorists mid-flight, has connected to the airliner via stealth fighter. All of the taskforce make it onto the plane except Steven Seagal. Suddenly, Kurt Russell remembers Passenger 57 and realizes this movie likely will flop.)

KURT RUSSELL (calling down to Seagal)
Our careers aren't going to make it!

STEVEN SEAGAL
Yours will! You'll go on to star in Miracle, whereas I'll be moving on to dreck like Half Past Dead.
(dies)

ASIAN GOOD GUY
Uh oh, Steven Seagal was our leader good guy. Now we don't know what to do.

KURT RUSSELL
I'll be your leader good guy.

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Haha, you don't know the first thing about being a leader.

KURT RUSSELL
How about we kill the terrorists?

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
I see now I misjudged you.

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(The multicultural taskforce does some zero-g manuevers and cuts some wires, but nothing really happens.)

WHITE GOOD GUY WHO'S NOT KURT RUSSELL
Are we ready to storm the terrorists yet?

KURT RUSSELL
No. We must wait until Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy diffuse the bomb.

(Ten minutes go by. Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy turn out to be horrible at diffusing bombs.)

KURT RUSSELL
Okay, now we can go in. But first I'm going to touch Halle Berry's ass.
(does)

(The good guy taskforce storm the main cabin and take out all the hijackers, but the pilots die in the process. The passengers panic.)

KURT RUSSELL
Don't worry everyone, I'll land the plane.
(does)

HALLE BERRY
My hero.

STEVEN SEAGALL (shows up)
Hi, everybody!

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Um...you died like an hour ago.

STEVEN SEAGALL
But Steven Seagall can't die.

BLACK GOOD GUY
You fell out of a plane in mid-flight.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Maybe I grabbed hold of the rudder and coasted my way to safety.

BLACK GOOD GUY
I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Oh...oh.
(goes away)

THE END

The Skulls

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: It's a secret (but not a good one)
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COACH
Welcome, gentlemen, to The Femurs: the secretest secret society in the known universe. Now to take attendance. Political Bigwig?

SENATOR GRISSOM
Here.

COACH
Manly Moron?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Here.

COACH
Asshole Assistant?

CHRISTOPHER MACDONALD
Here.

COACH
Washed-Up TV Idol?

PACEY
Here.

COACH
Actually, I was referring to myself.

(The candidates are put through several trials, each more demanding than the last, until they are finally inducted. There is a great banquet.)

THE FEMURS (singing)
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do.
We do.

(Abruptly, Pacey’s best black friend ends up dead.)

PACEY
Manly Moron, you were the one who killed my best black friend, weren’t you?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
It wasn’t my fault! Tell him, Dad.

COACH
That colored boy had it coming. Now let’s all celebrate by smoking $300 cigars.

(Pacey digs deeper into the death and discovers that the real murderer was Coach.)

COACH
Pacey, your investigation has disgraced this society. As a consequence of your blatant insubordination and pursuant to our organization’s eighteenth century code of ethics, my son hereby challenges you to a duel.

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Oh, thanks.

(There is much disagreement amongst the socialites.)

COACH
See, it’s right here in our bylaws.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Yep, looks legal to me.

(They begin to pace off. Pacey throws his pistol to the ground. Instead of shooting him, Paul “Look Ma, I’m Acting” Walker shoots Coach.)

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
I shot you because I love you.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Well, that wraps everything up. Time for me to return to Washington, where the notoriety of my deep involvement in this scandal is sure to whisk me to re-election.

THE END

The Vanishing

Directed by: The same guy who directed the good version
Starring: Jack Bauer (that's all you need to know)
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(Jack Bauer and Sandra Bullock are stopped at a gas station.)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Sandra Bullock.

SANDRA BULLOCK
And I love you, Jack Bauer.

(Five minutes later, Sandra Bullock has disappeared.)

JACK BAUER
Humph.

(Three years later...)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Nancy Travis.

NANCY TRAVIS
No, you still love your missing girlfriend.

JACK BAUER
You're right.

(Nancy Travis leaves. "Slow" Kidnapper shows up.)

SLOW KIDNAPPER
He-llo, Jaack. I'm the uune who kidnaapped your gurlfriend many mooons ago.

(Jack Bauer KICKS HIS ASS in true Jack Bauer form. Slow Kidnapper is beaten to a bloody pulp.)

JACK BAUER
Tell me what you did with her!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Whaat?

JACK BAUER
DAMN IT! We don't have any time!!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
To... find... out... what... happened... to... Sandra... Bullock... you... have... to... go... through... exactly... what... she... went... through.

JACK BAUER
If you think I'm going to star in a horrible sequel to "Speed", you're crazier than you look.

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Yess, that would be too cruel. Here, just drink dis coffee instead.

JACK BAUER
Okay, but it better not be decaf.
(drinks)

(It is decaf, or drugged... Jack Bauer passes out. When he wakes up, he's buried underground in a coffin.)

JACK BAUER (calling)
Okay, I don't need to know anymore!

(With the help of Nancy Travis, Jack Bauer breaks out of his casket and kicks Slow Kidnapper's ass again, this time killing him.)

DUTCH FILM SNOBS
Huh?! This remake sucks! He's supposed to die in the coffin. They can't change the ending!

JACK BAUER
Of course I can, fucktards. I'm Jack Bauer. I can nuke your whole country if I feel like it.
(kills Dutch Film Snobs)
God bless America.

(He has passionate sex with Nancy Travis and then ditches her for a hotter girlfriend.)

THE END