Open Water

Directed by: Some guy
Starring: The finest of Hollywood's "D" List
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YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!! My husband and I have been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

DIRECTOR
NO. You're rushing the movie. First we must shoot twenty minutes of tedious "character development" and gratuitous nudity.

(They do.)

DIRECTOR
Okay, now get in the water.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!!  My husband and I have been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
You spend too much time at work.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Um, can we discuss that later? We're being circled by sharks!

SHARKS
Hoo hoo hah hah!

(Time passes. The yuppie divers remain in the ocean. The sharks remain at bay.)

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
Hey, you ever play that Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon game?

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Don't you realize we're going to die out here??!!

(The sharks go away. Then they come back. Then they go away. Then they come back.)

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I love you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I love you.

(It's the next morning. The irresponsible diving crew has just discovered that they left two divers in the ocean.)

IRRESPONSIBLE DIVING CREW
Oops.

(Meanwhile, sharks eat the two yuppie leads.)

SHARKS
Yum.

CRITIC IN AUDIENCE
Wow. This movie was like Blair Witch, only in water.

DIRECTOR
Thanks! Wait...that's a compliment, right?

THE END

Red Eye

Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Chick from "Mean Girls", Scarecrow, and William Stryker
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(At an airport lounge:)

SMOOTH BADGUY (to Nice Hottie)
You're hot. Let me buy you a drink. What's your favorite... cosmopolitan?

NICE HOTTIE
I don't drink pussy drinks. I'll have a Bay Breeze.

(Later, while boarding the plane:)

NICE HOTTIE (to Smooth Badguy)
Hey, we have seats right next to each other. What a coincidence.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Is it?

NICE HOTTIE
What else could it be?

SMOOTH BADGUY
It could be that I have manipulated the passenger log so that we would sit in the same row because I know you are the manager of an upscale Miami hotel which happens to house the Secretary of Homeland Security for the weekend, and I would require you to switch the Secretary's room to a suite overlooking the ocean, so my fellow mates fishing with a rocket launcher can blast his ass to kingdom come. Assuming that you may be a straight-arrow law-abider, I would coerce you to do same by threatening your father with bodily harm. I would have a badguy friend of mine secretly parked outside your Miami abode, who would commence acts of violence against dear old dad in the event you do not follow my instructions.

NICE HOTTIE
Well, yes, I guess it could be that.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Haha, I'm just joking. No, I'm not.

(Smooth Badguy persuades Nice Hottie to make the call to the hotel changing the room, but the airfone's service dies. Nice Hottie then tries to secretly and elaborately signal for help but is stopped at the last second by Smooth Badguy. Repeat four times.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
You're quite a handful...although perhaps I asked for it by choosing to menacingly confront you on a commercial jet packed with a hundred people within a twenty foot radius instead of simply pulling you to a dark corner of the airport and demanding you make the call while still on the ground. This also would have allowed me to brandish a firearm to make my threat more intimidating. Additionally, then I wouldn't have to worry about the real possibility of the call's service being interrupted mid-flight, as has since plagued my present course of action. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

(Finally, airfone service returns and Nice Hottie makes the call. Shortly thereafter, the plane lands in Miami.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
Good work, Nice Hottie. Now just behave yourself and everything will be fine. Once I receive word that the Secretary is dead, I will tell my badguy friend waiting outside your house to leave. Don't worry, he won't act to kill your father unless he first receives word from me to do so.

(Nice Hottie stabs Smooth Badguy in the windpipe with a ballpoint pen.)

SMOOTH BADGUY (wheezing)
Perhaps I should've left that last part out.

(About this point, Smooth Badguy turns into Bumbling Badguy and is outsmarted, outmauevered and outskilled at every turn by Nice Hottie and also by a nine-year-old girl. There is a lot of physical comedy with Bumbling Badguy tripping over everything and everyone. Laughs are had. Nice Hottie escapes and calls the hotel to warn the Secretary, saving him in the nick of time. Next, Nice Hottie returns home and saves her father from Other Badguy in the nick of time.)

NICE HOTTIE AND NICE HOTTIE'S DAD
Hooray, we're safe!

BUMBLING BADGUY (shows up, donning an ascot)
Not so fast.

NICE HOTTIE
Don't worry, dad. I'll handle this one.

(Bumbling Badguy turns out to be the worst assassin on the planet as he gets his ass handed to him by Nice Hottie, who beats him up with every household object imaginable. Finally, he gets shot in the chest by Nice Hottie's Dad.)

BUMBLING BADGUY
I suck.
(dies)

WES CRAVEN
See, I can direct suspense thrillers without relying on supernatural monsters! And running barely an hour at that!

FREDDIE KRUEGER (to Wes Craven)
You suck.

THE END

Robots

Directed by: Chris Wedge and Carlos Saldanha
Starring (the vocal "talents" of): Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Diane West, Greg Kinnear, Halle Berry, Robin Williams, and *coughcough* Drew Carey
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STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
I'm gonna be a dad! Yay!

AUDIENCE
But you're a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right. That means I get to build my son! Isn't that neat?
(builds a baby robot)
Now I get to watch him grow up.

AUDIENCE
But he's a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right, but I will buy him big boy robot parts and then teenager robot parts and then adult robot parts.

(He does.)

AUDIENCE
Why didn't you just buy adult robot parts from the beginning, you fool? Now you're broke.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
You're right.

EWAN MCGREGOR ROBOT
It's ok, Dad Robot. I'll go off to the big city and make money for us.

(He goes to the big city to work as an inventor and meets Robin Williams Robot.)

ROBIN WILLIAMS ROBOT
This is great. In this film I get to use all the jokes I proposed in Aladdin that were cut from the final script.

(He tells the jokes. They are not funny.)

AUDIENCE
This very well might be Robin Williams' worst role ever.

OTHER ACTOR ROBOTS
Ewan McGregor Robot, we'll stand with you in your plot to bring down Greg Kinnear Robot's evil robot company and robot capitalism as a whole. First, however, let's do a five minute fart joke gag.

AUDIENCE
How did this get green-lit? Let's get our money back.

(begin to leave the theater)

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Please...we need to eat.

AUDIENCE
Sorry. Ice Age was fun, but you really screwed this one up. You have Drew Carey in it, for Christ's sake.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey!

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA (to Drew Carey Robot)
They're right.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Can I at least win an Oscar?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Depends. Are you willing to participate in an intense ten minute interracial robot sex scene?

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
With whom?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Hmm...we'll need a fat, middle-aged, white guy loser.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey, I'm still here.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Never mind. I'd rather win the Razzie.

THE END