11.17.2006

The Usual Suspects

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: Strong acting talent and Stephen Baldwin
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PETE POSTLETHWAITE (to Comic Crooks)
Rob this steamer of drug money or mysterious supervillain Keyser Soze will come and kill you.

COMIC CROOKS
Okay.

(They infiltrate the steamer but find no money. Then Keyser Soze shows up and starts killing them anyway. The next day:)

SGT. DAN HEDAYA
So who is Keyser Soze?

AGENT CHAZZ PALMINTERI
I suspect everyone, except the crippled guy.

(It's the crippled guy.)

THE END

11.16.2006

The Good Son

Directed by: Joseph Ruben
Starring: Frodo, "Scary" Macaulay Culkin and various insignificant others
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FRODO
I'm sad cause Mom died.

FRODO'S DAD
I'm sad too. In fact, you hanging around here is making me more depressed. Go live with Macaulay Culkin for awhile.

MICHAEL JACKSON
Don't mind if I do!

FRODO'S DAD
I was talking to Frodo.

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MACAULAY CULKIN (trying to be scary)
I'm ever so glad that you're our guest, Frodo. Muhahaha!!

FRODO
Me too.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
Huh? Aren't I scaring you?

FRODO
Nope. I mean, I know I'm supposed to act scared, but gimme a break. You just starred in Home Alone 2 for Christ's sake. You're not exactly Jason Voorhees.

(Macaulay Culkin continues trying to act scary, but all anyone sees is Kevin McAllister or that loser kid from My Girl.)

AUDIENCE
Aww, he's so cute.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
No, I'm not!

AUDIENCE
Coochie-coochie-coo!

THE END

11.13.2006

Signs

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalansky (he's a Jew!)
Starring: Mel "It's not a DUI if you're a gentile" Gibson, Joaquin "Who is my real brother" Phoenix, and Cory "Hey at least I'm not Macaulay" Culkin
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(Reverend Mel and family find that mysterious circles have appeared in their crop outside their farmhouse.)

REVEREND MEL
My God...I know who did this.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Space aliens?

REVEREND MEL
The Jews!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Really?

REVEREND MEL
Clearly you have not been following the scriptures. Revelation 81:99: "And behold, He opened the eighteenth seal and Jewish cropcircles encompassed the land." Now let's all go back inside and finish our daily viewing of The Passion.

KID CULKIN
Wait, I think it really is space aliens! Listen to this makeshift alien radio I created.

(They listen. There is static.)

EVERYONE
Ahhh! Aliens!!!

(Later, Reverend Mel is wandering the neighborhood.)

M. NIGHT SHYAMELESSCAMEO (shows up)
Hey.

REVEREND MEL
Um, shouldn't you be behind the camera?

M. NIGHT
No, I'm in "actor mode" now. I've cast myself in a pivotal role in this film.

REVEREND MEL
Did our budget already run out, or are you just a huge prima donna?

M. NIGHT
Excuse me, William Wallace?

REVEREND MEL
Never mind.

M. NIGHT
Now back to the movie.
(switches to "actor mode")
I know you hate me, Father.

REVEREND MEL
Yes. Yes, I do... Why, are you a Jew?

M. NIGHT
No! I'm the guy who was driving drunk and ran over your wife!

REVEREND MEL
Ah well, shit happens.

(Reverend Mel learns that M. Night trapped an alien in his cupboard. He goes to invesitgate.)

REVEREND MEL (standing outside the cupboard)
Hello? Is anyone there?
(No answer.)
You should be aware that I have called the authorities. They're on their way. With big guns. And the swat team. Also, I phoned Lt. Columbo, Perry Mason and The Equilizer, so you're pretty much screwed.

(The alien gets mad and reaches under the cupboard to grab him. Reverend Mel slices the alien's fingers off.)

REVEREND MEL
Haha! Don't fuck with Jesus!

(Later, the aliens are attacking. Reverend Mel and family have boarded up their house.)

REVEREND MEL (to Joaquin Phoenix)
Quick, brother, into the basement!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why am I your brother? You do realize I'm closer in age to Kid Culkin than I am to you.

REVEREND MEL
No time to discuss asinine casting choices, we're under attack!

(The family survives the attack and are able to fend off the aliens. It turns out water kills them.)

KID CULKIN
Funny how the aliens never had a problem wandering through our dew-covered crop. Also, isn't there like a lot of water vapor in the air like all the time?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Shut up. You're Macaulay Culkin's kid brother. No one will ever take you seriously.

THE END

11.11.2006

Silent Hill

Directed by: Christophe Gans
Starring: A bunch of women, one man who acts like a woman, and creatures modeled after figurines from David Lynch's toy collection.
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(Hot Mom is driving a car. Her young daughter is riding shotgun.)

HOT MOM (to Daughter)
Lately you've been having really scary nightmares about this place called Silent Hill. So I figured the best way for you to cope is to take you there myself and throw you in the middle of the town. It's called aversion therapy, and it works! After visiting a slaughterhouse, I haven't touched meat in six years. Your father doesn't count. Wait, yes he does.

(The police pursue Hot Mom, and she puts the pedal to the metal and wrecks her car, losing consciousness in the process. When she comes to, she is in Silent Hill and her daughter is missing. She is approached by a female cop.)

OFFICER CYBIL
License, registration and proof of insurance, please.

HOT MOM
You need proof of insurance?

OFFICER CYBIL
You do have car insurance, right?

HOT MOM
Yes, ma'am, I drive with Safe Auto.

OFFICER CYBIL
Playing it safe, huh? Okay.

HOT MOM
Anyway, my daughter has gone missing. Could you help me locate her, Officer...?

OFFICER CYBIL
Cybil.

HOT MOM
That's an unusual name.

OFFICER CYBIL
Yep. In fact, there're only three of us left: me, that "Moonlighting" chick, and the paranoid schizophrenic Sally Field.

HOT MOM
You mean the paranoid schizophrenic once played by Sally Field.

OFFICER CYBIL
Whatever. Anyway, you're under arrest.

HOT MOM
Huh, why?

OFFICER CYBIL
You have a broken headlight.

HOT MOM
That's because I just crashed my car.

OFFICER CYBIL
Step out of the vehicle please, or I'll taze you like that fat lady on youtube.

(Hot Mom complies. One of David Lynch's prodigal children shows up. Officer Cybil fires but the bullets have little effect. It turns night and the town becomes evil. Some dude with a humungous pyramid head approaches.)

HOT MOM AND OFFICER CYBIL
Ahhhh!! Quick, let's get inside the church!

(They do. Pyramid Head is left alone.)

PYRAMID HEAD
I only wanted a hug. *sniff*

(Inside the church, Sectarians agree to help Hot Mom find her daughter.)

HOT MOM
Thanks. Who says there's no such thing as small town hospitality? Hey, wanna see a picture of her?

(She shows the Sectarians a picture of her daughter.)

HEAD SECTARIAN
Her daughter looks just like that one girl we burned alive years ago! The only solution to this paradox is...burn more people!

(They burn Officer Cybil but Hot Mom escapes. She finds her daughter, who is really not her daughter, but some other lady's daughter, well part of her is some other lady's daughter, she is also evil now, or maybe she was always evil. Anyway, the girl shows up and kills all the Sectarians.)

THE END

PRODUCERS
The end? We don't think so. There's not a man in this entire flick. What were you thinking, Gans?

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Well, I—

PRODUCERS
Silence! The target audience for this movie is boys aged 12-19, and teenage boys certainly are not going to want to stare at women the whole time. Bring in Evil British Guy.

SEAN BEAN (enters)
You called?

PRODUCERS
Can you try to be not so evil and not so British for this flick?

SEAN BEAN
Righteo. I mean...fo'shore.

CHRISTOPHE GANS (to Producers)
But where should I put him in the movie?

PRODUCERS
Just create a superfluous plotline that has no interaction with the main story and ultimately adds nothing to the film. Duh.

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Fine.

PRODUCERS
Next time, Gans, do us a favor and don't think outside the box. Your film reeks of originality, and frankly, it's taking away from our wealth of rehashed horror remakes and sequels. Now go think up a sequel to Silent Hill that incorporates a younger, hotter female lead with big bosoms who once strarred on a prime time soap, preferably "Party of Five" or "7th Heaven." And for God's sake, tone down the blood and guts; we're in the business of making PG-13 movies here.

(Chrisophe Gans becomes yet another disenfranchised Hollywood director.)

THE END