The Descent

Directed by: Some British dude
Starring: Some British chicks
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(Sarah has just gone white water rafting with her friends. She drives home with her husband and daughter.)

SARAH (to her husband)
Are you okay? You're being awfully quiet.

HUSBAND
I'm fine.

(A pickup truck crashes into their car, propelling a metal pole through their windshield and into her husband's head.)

HUSBAND
Actually, now that you mention it, I've been better.

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(Over the next year, Sarah becomes a hermit. Finally, her friends persuade her to go spelunking with them.)

JUNO
Hello, Sarah.

(Sarah doesn't respond.)

JUNO
What's the matter? Don't Juno my name? Haha, that's a little proper noun humor for you.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
I can't believe we're going to explore a known cave system. That's some stupid shyte.

AMERICAN AUDIENCE
I'm sorry...did she just say "shyte"?

(Juno leads them all into an unexplored cave system, but she doesn't tell the others this until a cave-in occurs and blocks their only exit.)

JUNO
My bad.

ANOTHER EXPLORER CHICK
You stupid bitch. No one will come rescue us because they think we're exploring another cave.

JUNO
Hey, come on now. I said, "my bad."

(The girls penetrate deeper into the cave in hopes of finding another exit. Then Gollum from Lord of the Rings shows up.)

PETER JACKSON (in audience)
I'd sue for this if I were an asshole. But, meh.

(Gollum rips out Butch Explorer "Chick's" Adam's apple.)

GOLLUM
Ahhh, the precious........

SARAH
Wait a second...I thought only males have Adam's apples.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
It's a long story. Fortunately I'm dead, so I don't have to tell it.

(Gollum's family shows up and chases the other explorer chicks throughout the save system. The girls start getting killed off one by one. Sarah gets separated from the rest of the group.)

ONE EXPLORER CHICK
Forget her. She's a nut anyway.

JUNO
No, we can't leave Sarah behind!

(Juno goes back and finds Sarah.)

JUNO
Thank God you're still alive.

(Sarah whacks Juno in the leg with her pick.)

JUNO
Is that because I slept with your husband? Because, you know, it only happened like eight times.

(All the girls die except Sarah, who escapes. But then the escape turns out to have just been a dream.)

DIRECTOR
Hey, they got away with it in "Dallas."

(Back in the cave, Sarah's dead daughter shows up with a cake. Sarah and Gollum sing "Happy Birthday," and they all live happily ever after.)

THE END

Havoc

Directed by: The same chick who would direct Shut Up and Sing (no funny comment needed)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips as Pampered Rich White Suburban Chicks Who Want To Be Badass Gang Bangers
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(Soccer Moms and their young daughters file into the theater. The film begins.)

SOCCER MOMS
Ah...another movie with that wonderful screen princess, Anne Hathaway. We loved her wholesome performances in the Diaries and Ella Enchanted. We didn't read the write-up on this film, but we're sure it'll be another fun flick for the whole family.

(Anne Hathway takes her top off and starts cursing like a sailor. Soccer Moms immediately shove their daughters out of the theater.)

ANNE HATHAWAY
Fuck the Princess Diaries, and fuck Julie Andrews. I won't let myself be typecast as some goodie two-shoes chick. In fact, I'm having my agent sign me up for that gay cowboy movie; that'll show 'em. Meanwhile, I'll ruin my upright image by doing lots of drugs and engaging in explicit sex acts with gang members.
(She does.)
I'm such a whore.

BIJOU PHILLIPS (very drunk)
I'm a bigger whore. Watch as I screw three gang bangers in a row.
(She begins to do so. But then the guys try to triple team her, and she comes to her senses.)
Stop! Let me up! Get off of me!

(The guys continue to force sex with her until she finally manages to escape.)

BIJOU PHILLIPS (later, to Anne Hathaway:)
I was raped.

ANNE HATHAWAY
No, you weren't. You asked for it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
But doesn't the fact that I was too drunk to even stand mean that I couldn't give the proper consent? Also, I thought a woman has the right to say "no" at any time.

ANNE HATHAWAY
She does. But then the guy has the right to tell her to shove it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
I see. Thanks for setting me straight.

(Accused sex offenders across the country applaud Havoc's "interpretation" of California's rape crimes law.)

THE END