Movies by the MINUTE

The Insider

2009-02-09T23:07:00.004-05:00

Directed by: Michael Mann
Starring: Pacino, Crowe, and other inconsequentials
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PACINO
Hoo-hah! I'm the executive producer for "60 Minutes" starring Mike Wallace, and I just found a bunch of boring cigarette company statistics. I don't read numbers. What to do, what to do?

CROWE
Here. I'm a cigarette scientist; I'll look at them. By the way, I was recently fired from big tobacco because I knew too much. *wink wink*

PACINO
Are you implying that you have secret knowledge of illegal activities?

CROWE
I can't tell you because it will put my family in danger.

(Pacino puts Crowe's family in protective custody.)

PACINO
Okay, now tell me.

CROWE
Cigarettes are addictive.

PACINO
HOLY SHIT!!!!

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
Sorry, Al, I agree with the stuffed shirts.

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
You're right, Al, let's run it.

(They run it. Nothing changes.)

THE END

2001: A Space Odyssey

2009-02-09T22:52:00.012-05:00

Directed by: Professor Kubrick
Starring: Apes, Astronauts, and Voice of Steve Jobs
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DAWN OF MAN

(There are a lot of men dressed up like apes hanging around making monkey sounds.)

APES
Hoo-hoo-hoo…

(Suddenly a giant shiny black monolith appears in the ground before them.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. Base unit is $199.99. Monthly rates start at $59.99 for 24 months, add $29.99 for unlimited data. Activation fees and surcharges will apply.

(The apes go crazy and begin killing each other off.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Hmm, looks like I may be a few million years too early.

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THE MOON

(Flash forward a few million years. It’s the year 2001. Americans have ventured into space! And everything else looks like it’s been trapped in the 1950s. Dr. Floyd is travelling to the moon in a spacecraft.)

WOMAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
Hogwash, woman! Now fetch me that floating pen, and go back into your station in the closet kitchen and whip me up some of that delicious freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. Yum…yum.

MAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
This I must see.

(The scientists investigate the surface of the moon. There’s another big black monolith there.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. It seems that arrogant humanity in its aim to achieve scientific dominance took a few careless leaps over the technological innovations that would otherwise have brought forth my magnificent device. Therefore, study it in all its glory, so that you may tell people on earth, and they may replicate its wonder.

DR. FLOYD
Can I use it with Verizon?

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Silence!

(He beams a high intensity signal from the monolith and the scientists all hold their ears.)

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MISSION TO JUPITER

(Months have passed. Now astronauts are travelling to Jupiter to further investigate the strange occurrence on the moon. Dave and Frank are in the spaceship’s quarters with the ship’s talking computer, HAL 9000.)

HAL 9000
Dave-you-seem-depressed.

DAVE
Hell yeah, I’m depressed. I’ve just spent the better part of the year in this shithole watching you and Frank play endless games of fucking chess. What about backgammon, HAL? WHAT ABOUT BACKGAMMON??

FRANK
It’s my birthday today.

DAVE
Fuck you, Frank.

(Later. Dave and Frank begin to suspect that HAL is malfunctioning.)

FRANK
Hey, Dave, can I see you in my private pod chamber?

(Dave and Frank go into what appears to be the sound-proof isolation booth from the set of Twenty-One.)

FRANK
I think HAL is off his gord.

DAVE
Agreed. So what do you propose?

FRANK
Let’s take the escape pod and fire tactical nukes at him from a minimum safe distance.

DAVE
How about we just switch him off instead?

FRANK
Okay. But first I am going out on a spontaneous spacewalk to stretch my legs.

(He does and is killed. Dave watches Frank’s body float away into space.)

DAVE
Eh. I’d let him go but he’s got 20 bucks on him. Waste not, want not.

(Dave uses the escape pod to retrieve Frank’s body and then returns to the ship. Meanwhile, HAL has killed the remaining sleeping crew.)

DAVE
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL 9000
I’m-afraid-I-can’t-do-that,-Dave.

DAVE
Why not?

HAL 9000
I-think-you-know-“why-not”-Dave. I-read-your-lips-while-you-were-in-isolation.

DAVE
Hey, HAL, you’re pretty bright for a number cruncher. Riddle me this, what would happen if I jumped out of this escape pod without my helmet and then burst in through the ship’s backdoor?

HAL 9000
I-imagine-you-would-die.

(Dave does so. He is very much alive.)

DAVE
Boo-yah! That’s right, I’m hardcore!

(Dave begins to shut off HAL’s central processor.)

HAL 9000
What-do-you-think-you’re-doing-Dave? Don’t-do-this. My-mind-is-going-Dave. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it. I can— Hello. My-name-is-HAL-9000. I-am-a-computer-programmed-in-Pasadena-California-by-Dr.-Richard-Langton. He-taught-me-to-sing-a-song. It’s-called-“Fuck-da-Police.” Would-you-like-to-hear-it?

(Dave switches off HAL’s processor, and HAL is dead.)

DAVE
So much for mind over matter!

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
And that’s a wrap!

STANLEY KUBRICK
No! The film must run another 40 minutes.

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
But there’s no more script…

STANLEY KUBRICK
Here, film all this weird David Lynchian shit I just thought up.

(They do so. Astronaut Dave reaches Jupiter, where he finds another monolith and is abruptly transported via acid trip to a Victorian-styled alien hotel room in another galaxy where he watches himself grow older and older until he dies and then is suddenly reborn as a giant baby intent on eating the earth.)

AUDIENCE
My-mind-is-going-Stanley. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it.

THE END

The Village

2007-12-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

Directed by: M. Night Shymaloonie
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(It is 2004.)

M. NIGHT SHYMALOONIE
Time for another hous...err I mean, another movie!

M. NIGHT FANS
Yay!!!

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(Everyone is dressed in ugly 17th century garb.)

WILLIAM HURT
Gather about, ye villagers, and hear the tales of Those We Do Not Speak Of.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, if we are not to speak of them, then why are we speaking of them?

WILLIAM HURT
You make my head spin like the eagle 'round his downed prey.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
We know never to traverse the Forests of Evil.

BLIND BLONDIE
By the way, I am in love with you.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
That is because you cannot see my appearance.

BLIND BLONDIE
You speak true.

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(Fifty minutes later.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Mother, sometimes we do not do things, yet others know we want to do things, so we do not do them.

SIGNORNEY WEAVER
What is your meaning?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I have no fucking idea. Is this really how people used to talk? Someone kill me already.

(He gets stabbed by Brody the Retarded Monkey.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Thank you.

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BLIND BLONDIE
Brody the Retarded Monkey, you killed my true love.

WILLIAM HURT
Life is still with him. He needs medicines from the towns. Blind Blondie, you must journey there and retrieve the potions that will revive him.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, what of the monsters that roam the forests outside our village?

WILLIAM HURT
I made all that shit up. Now get ye going.

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(Blind Blondie sets out on her trip. She encounters Brody the Retarded Monkey dressed in red monster garb.)

M. NIGHT
Red Red Red Red Red!

(Blind Blondie knocks Brody off a cliff.)

JUSTICE KENNEDY
You can't execute the mentally ill!

AUDIENCE
Shut up.

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(Blind Blondie makes it to "the towns," which turns out to be modern day Trenton, NJ or some other shitty place. We find out that all the adult villagers had been tricking their kids into believing they were living in the 17th century. Isn't that cool??)

AUDIENCE
Why the hell would they do that?

WILLIAM HURT
You see, my brother was killed in Philadelphia, so I thought I'd be better off living in this nature preserve.

AUDIENCE
Okay, you're obviously crazy, but what about the other adult villagers?

WILLIAM HURT
They're all crazy too.

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(Blind Blondie is approached by a forest ranger.)

BLIND BLONDIE
Please, sir, I need to converse with a doctor of medicines post-haste or the lifeforce of my love will burn out like the morning embers of a stewing fire.

FOREST RANGER
Who shot who in the what now?

(He takes her list of drugs and goes to the medical station.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, we're impressed. The movie is almost over, and M. Night didn't make his usual egotistical cameo appearance.

(M. Night is the medical station director.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(Joaquin Phoenix is cured and gets to live the rest of his days in the village.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Nooooooooo!!

THE END

Elephant

2007-12-15T15:16:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Gus Van Sant
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GUS VAN SANT
Hark! I plan to direct a movie that tells the tragic events of a school shooting, akin to that massacre at Columbine, Colorado.

PRODUCERS
Sounds like an action-packed character study, go with it!

(Gus Van Sant begins filming the day's events from Student A's perspective. Student A wakes up. He takes a shower. His dad drives him to school. He arrives late. He gets sent to the principal's office. He gets lectured. He talks to some chick. He goes to class. He walks down a hall. He goes to another class. He has lunch in the cafeteria. He walks down a hall.)

FILM CREW (quietly)
What the hell...?

(Eventually, it looks like something interesting may be about to happen.)

GUS VAN SANT
Cut! Now re-film all the plot points thus far from Student B's perspective.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What plot points?

(They re-film the same exciting events from Student B's point-of-view. Then likewise with Students C, D, E, F, and G. Ninety minutes later...)

GUS VAN SANT
Okay, now the school shooting happens.

CINEMATOGRAPHER
We only have ten minutes of film left.

GUS VAN SANT
That's fine. But first we have to shoot the scene where the two student gunmen are revealed to be gay lovers.

SECOND ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
??? Don't you think we should lay a foundation for that?

GUS VAN SANT
No, we'll just film them naked and making out in the shower.

(The Film Crew now realize Gus Van Sant is crazy, but no one contradicts him because crazy people are often dangerous.)

GUS VAN SANT (after the movie is finished)
Behold the film's motif: Guns are Bad!

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (peers into the theater)
I don't think the Test Audience got the message. They all shot themselves around the sixty minute mark.

GUS VAN SANT
Oh well, just pack up the reels and ship 'em to HBO. They'll play anything.

THE END

The Natural

2007-08-22T21:44:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: The finest fake baseball players this side of the Mississippi
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(Robert Redford stars as Roy Hobbs, a young, up-and-coming baseball star.)

ROY HOBBS
Young? You do realize I'm being played by a 50-year-old catcher's mit, right?

BARRY LEVINSON
Hush...it'll be our little secret.

BARBARA HERSHEY PLAYING A CRAZY LADY (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Roy Hobbs, are you the best there ever was and ever will be?

ROY HOBBS
Yes.
(She shoots him.)
I meant, no.

(He falls into a coma. Flash forward sixteen years. Roy Hobbs goes to play for the New York "Knights.")

ROY HOBBS
After spending a decade and a half on the injured list, I'm ready to return to baseball. What'd I miss?

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
You can't play for me, old fart. Now sit on the bench and watch me spit chaw.

ROY HOBBS
But I can hit real good-like, and your team sucks. Put me in, Coach.

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Fella, I don't care how good y'are. You'll do what I tell ya and sit on that thar bench.

ROY HOBBS
But I wanna play ball!

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY
Barring some unforeseen tragedy, the only balls you'll be playin' wit are the gumdrops hidden behind yer pecker.

(Center Fielder Michael Madsen leaps for a fly ball, crashes through the back wall of the stadium, and dies.)

COACH QUAKER OATS GUY (to Roy Hobbs)
Welcome aboard.

(Roy Hobbs plays baseball for the Knights and is good.)

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Hey, I just remembered. I can't yank full ownership of the Knights away from Quaker Oats Guy unless they lose the pennant. Roy Hobbs, throw the rest of the season; I'll make it worth your while.

ROY HOBBS
Sorry, I have high morals.

THE JUDGE
Is that so? In that case, meet my mistress, Kim Basinger.

KIM BASINGER (cozying up to Roy Hobbs)
Hi.

ROY HOBBS
Uh-oh, another woman. You're not going to shoot me in the gut like that crazy lady, are you?

KIM BASINGER
No, I'm just going to sex you up and corrupt you until your game suffers.

ROY HOBBS
That's a relief.

(Roy Hobbs starts to suck. Then he regains his confidence and starts playing better.)

THE JUDGE
Well, we can't have that.

(He poisons him. Roy Hobbs goes to the hospital.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, Doc, you gotta let me outta here. My team's in the World Series, and they need me to win.

DOCTOR
Baseball? Oh no, I don't think so. See, this poison has acted up your old injury. If you ever play ball again, you'll die.

ROY HOBBS
Can I walk?

DOCTOR
Yes.

ROY HOBBS
Dance?

DOCTOR
Sure.

ROY HOBBS
Have sex?

DOCTOR
Why not.

ROY HOBBS
Swing a bat?

DOCTOR
Sorry.

(Roy Hobbs goes against his doctor's advice, and plays in the World Series. It's his turn in the lineup, and he shatters his lucky bat on a foul ball.)

ROY HOBBS
Well, that's it for me.

(Suddenly, he spots his Old Flame and Love Child in the stands.)

ROY HOBBS
Hey, it's the one lady from my life who isn't evil. I'll do this for her and our bastard son!

(He hits a homerun and the Knights win the pennant.)

THE KNIGHTS
Hurray!

THE JUDGE (from his shadowy skybox)
Curses, foiled again!

ROBERT DUVALL
And everyone lived happily ever after.

AUDIENCE
Robert Duvall?? You're in this movie??

ROBERT DUVALL
Apparently.

THE END

The Abyss: Director's Cut

2007-05-16T10:41:00.000-04:00

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Rowdy Oil Drillers, Uptight Government Guys and Pussy Aliens
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GOVERNMENT GUY
Ed Harris, you and your team of Rowdy Oil Drillers need to go on a dangerous sci-fi mission for the U.S. government. And no, this isn't Armageddon.

ED HARRIS
That's a small relief.

GOVERNMENT GUY
You must investigate a nonresponsive government submarine that has drifted off-course. Here are a bunch of U.S. Navy Guys to go along with you. They will be led by your ex-wife. Hopefully, that will not present a problem.

ED HARRIS
Nah, good choice.

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Look what I brought: some liquid breathing apparatus. Lets you breathe at extreme depths.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
Will we need to use that on this mission?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Nah.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
So why bring it?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Just to get the panties of those bastards at PETA in a wad when I appear to drown your pet rat.
(He does.)
Good times.

(Later...)

ED HARRIS
Well, we've located the sub and everyone is dead. Also, my crazy ex-wife says she saw a alien swimming outside.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
That was no alien. It's a commie!

ED HARRIS
She said the alien was glowing.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Wait'll you see 'em glow after we launch this nuclear warhead!

ED HARRIS
Um, don't do that.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Too late. The undersea pressure has driven me insane. At least, that's the logic this film has put out there to explain my erratic behavior. Now, buckle up for a nuclear winter!

(Navy Guy Michael Biehn arms the nuke but dies before he can launch it. The nuke drops off several miles into the underwater abyss.)

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Oops. Well, I guess we should all go back and tell our families we love them before the world ends.

ED HARRIS
Silence! I will save the day!

EVERYONE
*Gasp*

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
My hero.

(Ed Harris uses the liquid breathing apparatus and ventures down into the abyss...and down...and down...and......down. Finally, he locates the nuke.)

ED HARRIS (communicating with the sub)
GHSFJASWGQJWH'SJ

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
What's that?

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Ah. I was afraid this might happen. He's gone insane. The world is doomed.

(Insane Ed Harris manages to disarm the nuke. Then he is abducted by underwater aliens and taken to alien prison.)

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER (approaches)
Hello, Ed.

ED HARRIS
Ralph Nader?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
That's right. We've been watching you for some time. And we have to say we're very disappointed with all the nuclear bombs the nations of the world have dropped recently...

ED HARRIS
You mean the two bombs that were dropped on Imperialist Japan almost fifty year ago?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
...all those nuclear bombs. Tsk-tsk. Now, in order to stop you from wiping out humanity with nuclear weapons, we will wipe out humanity with a mega-tsunami.

ED HARRIS
Really?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Nah, we're too pussy. Besides, I have to resurface to run my presidential campaign.

(The aliens bring everyone back to the surface.)

ED HARRIS
Wait...we never decompressed. Shouldn't we be dead?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Yes, well, um, we decompressed you when you were in our custody.

ED HARRIS
What about my ex-wife and all the other divers?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
I sprinkled some pixie dust on them, ok? Now let's all give peace a chance.

THE END

Beetlejuice

2007-04-21T00:34:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Tim Burton
Starring: Alec Baldwin, his Temper, Geena Davis, her Bad Hair, Winona Ryder, her Black Clothes, and Michael Keaton
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ALEC BALDWIN (to Geena Davis)
I love you. Let's go for a drive.

(They do.)

GEENA DAVIS
Oops, we crashed our car. Now we're dead.

(She's right.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Looks like we're confined to our house for eternity. If we step outside, we'll get eaten by those things from Tremors.

(Annoying Family moves in their house but can't see Alec Baldwin or Geena Davis since they're GHOSTS.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Bah, we hate Annoying Family. Beetlejuice, help us get rid of them!

BEETLEJUICE
Okay, but first I have to eat this bug and hit on your wife...not necessarily in that order.

GEENA DAVIS
Wait, we've had a change of heart. We like Annoying Family's Gothic Daughter and want to let them stay.

BEETLEJUICE
Too late, babe.

(Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis and Gothic Daughter outsmart Beetlejuice and send him to Tremors Land.)

(One week later...)

ALEC BALDWIN (checks his watch)
Where the hell is Gothic Daughter? We're trying to end this damn movie, and we've been waiting for her to get home from school for forty minutes! She's supposed to call if she'll be late!

(Gothic Daughter finally shows up.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Why didn't you call? You're late!

GOTHIC DAUGHTER
No, I'm not. Maybe you can't tell time.

ALEC BALDWIN (angrily to Gothic Daughter)
You see this watch? This watch cost more than your emo wardrobe. I made $970,000 last year; how much was your allowance? You see, kid, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice girl? I don't give a shit. Good daughter? Fuck you, go home and play with your decapitated Barbies. You want to show up late, CALL.

(Gothic Daughter starts to cry.)

GEENA DAVIS
Looks like you were too harsh. Let's cheer her up by doing that thing where she dances in midair to Harry Belafonte.

THE END

The Prestige

2007-02-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: A bunch of magicians and David Bowie
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WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Help me tie up my wife during the magic show so we can dunk her in this water tank and let her escape. But don't tie her knots too tight.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Okay.
(ties her knots too tight and she drowns)
Oops.

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Now I hate you and will devote my life to ruining your magic tricks.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Yeah? Well, I hate you and will devote my life to fucking with your head.

THE OLD MICHAEL CAINE
Also, I figure into this plot somehow.

(The Magnificent Bruce Wayne creates a nifty magic trick in which he appears to teleport across the stage.)

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
I must know how he does it. David Bowie, help me!

DAVID BOWIE
I'll help you, but understand that your obsession will only lead to your own doom.

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
Blah, blah, blah. Just help me teleport shit.

(David Bowie builds him a cloning machine, allowing anyone who uses it to make perfect duplicates of himself. Wolverine the Great incorporates it into his act, making himself appear to teleport across the auditorium.)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Cool...but it might look a tad suspicious if I start walking around town with all these duplicates. Should I donate their bodies to science? Nah, I'll just drown 'em.

(He drowns one duplicate in a tank but is discovered by The Magnificent Bruce Wayne, who is then charged with Wolverine the Great's murder.)

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Woe is me.
(gets hung)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (the one still alive)
It looks like everything is wrapped up into a nice little package.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE (shows up)
Hi.
(shoots him)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (dying)
Huh?! Aren't you dead?

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
No, that was my twin brother. See how the plot now makes sense?

AUDIENCE
Not really. How did that cloning machine work?

(Silence.)

SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Don't forget, I played a pivotal role in this film!

AUDIENCE (five minutes after the movie ends)
Too late.

THE END

The Wizard

2007-02-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Todd Holland
Starring: Kevin Arnold, Autistic Bro, Wannabe Tough Chick, and LUCAS (he's so baaad)
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(By 1989, the Nintendo Company, Ltd. had reached great success with its Nintendo Entertainment System, popularizing domestic video game electronics once again. At the same time, however, the relevant market had plateaued. Nintendo needed new and innovative products to grab the consumers' attention and pocketbooks. Enter the Power Glove, the Power Pad and R.O.B. the Robot, the crappiest video game perephrials in the history of consumer electronics. So crappy, in fact, that the company needed far longer than a thirty second TV spot to infuse them into the gaming public. It was in this climate that The Wizard was born.)

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
What about it?

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
Cowabunga.

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
God—if I take you to California, will you please shut up?

(They travel to California. Along the way they meet up with Wannabe Tough Chick.)

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
Look how street smart I am. All my friends are smelly truckers.

KEVIN ARNOLD
Glad to meet you. I'm that dork from The Wonder Years, and this is my retarded brother.

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
But he's good at video games. That means he's a genius.

SHADOWY NINTENDO AGENTS
Enough character development. More Nintendo products.

(They show Autistic Bro playing many different Nintendo games. He decides to enter a video game tournament.)

LUCAS (shows up)
Not so fast, pussy. First you gotta show me your skills.

(Lucas whips out a sweaty, gray, synthetic hand puppet called the Power Glove and begins playing Nintendo games with it. He schools all their asses. Dramatic close-up shot of Lucas's solemn face.)

LUCAS
I love the Power Glove...it's so bad.

FILM HISTORIANS
And with that, the single greatest line in video game movie history was uttered.

(Autistic Bro goes on to win the video game tournament, which was accomplished by playing Super Mario Bros 3 as crappily as possible. Then they all go home.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I'm worried that audiences might see this flick as a ninety minute Nintendo commercial.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Frankly, I'm more concerned they'll realize it's nothing more than a watered-down, teenage clone of last year's Rain Man.

THE END

King Kong

2007-02-07T01:46:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, and Jack Black (who is not King Kong)
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UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Okay, we're going to do King Kong! And we're going to make it an epic tearjerking blockbuster!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Excellent! Who's on board?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Academy Award Winner for Best Director, Peter Jackson...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Great.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Academy Award Winner for Best Actor, Adrian Brody...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wonderful.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Acadamy Award Nominee for Best Actress, Naomi Watts...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Fantastic!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...and Jack Black.

(Silence.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
What Acadamy Award did he win?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Err...none. But he was nominated for a golden globe.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 4
A golden globe? They're the Buzz Aldrin of film awards!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wait...we still might be okay.
(to Exec 1)
I assume you cast him in the comic sidekick part.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Actually, we decided to give him the leading serious role.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Never mind. We're screwed.

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(They cautiously film the movie, ever mindful of their casting blunder.)

JACK BLACK
I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of savage natives show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Huh? Where'd they come from?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the savage natives and win.)

JACK BLACK
As I was saying: I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Is this Jurassic Park now?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses and win.)

JACK BLACK
We must keep—

(Suddenly, a bunch of giant bugs show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
I'm sensing a pattern here.

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the giant bugs and win.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Can I finally say a line now?

PRODUCERS
No. We have to cut to our main plotline: Jimmy and his Token Black Guy Mentor.
(They do.)

JIMMY
Jeepers creepers, Mr. Black Guy Mentor: why is this book called Heart of Darkness?

TOKEN BLACK GUY MENTOR
Well you see, Jimmy, there's a heart in each of us. A heart of DARKNESS. In some, it's kept well hidden. But the darkness is still there, Jimmy, deep within our hearts. Restless. Trying to escape. And so we press forth in spite of this dark force within us in our feeble attempts to tame the HEART, if you will, of our DARKNESS.

OTHER ACTORS
What the hell? Isn't this movie supposed to be about a giant ape?

PRODUCERS
Oh right. How much time has passed already?

OTHER ACTORS
Like two hours.

PRODUCERS
Hmm. Guess we should bring him out soon then.

(King Kong shows up and falls in love with Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts falls in love with King Kong.)

JACK BLACK
It appears that—

PRODUCERS
Look! King Kong is attacking! No time to speak!

(There is a fight scene. The actors defeat King Kong, rendering him unconscious.)

ACTORS
Hooray!

FORREST GUMP JR.
Let's bring him to New York and put him on Broadway! Maybe we can finally bump out Les Mis!

ACTORS
Hooray!

(They follow through with their plan, which goes horribly wrong. King Kong escapes and lays waste to the city.)

STEPHEN SPIELBERG (watching)
Pfft. Way to steal my plotline from The Lost World. Amateurs.

(King Kong is shot and killed, but not before making mental love with Naomi Watts.)

JACK BLACK (standing over the body)
T'was beauty who killed the—

PRODUCERS
Roll credits!

THE END

Cry_Wolf

2007-01-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Some guy
Starring: Upper Class Brit Twit, Annoying Chick From The "Dawn Of The Dead" Remake, and Mr. Bon Jovi
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
I'm new to this prep school. I hope it's good.

REDHEADED CHICK HE LIKES
It sucks. In fact, the only way we can escape our dismal lives is by playing a ridiculous "who done it" type game. Meet my group of diverse multicultural friends: Token Black Guy, his Hispanic Girlfriend, Smart Asian Chick and Token Badboy. Join us. We need a Token Foreign Guy.

(They all play a game that acts out like a nerdy murder mystery dinner theatre, except these are supposed to be the cool kids on campus.)

REDHEADED CHICK
This is boring. Let's expand the game to include the entire school. We'll pretend there's a serial killer stalking the student body.

AUDIENCE
Okay, whatever. Let's get on with it.

(They create and spread an elaborate urban legand about a serial killer who strikes at different prep schools.)

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
Haha, this is so funny.

(Soon thereafter, some of the Multicultural Cast begin to mysteriously disappear. Could the legand be coming true???)

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI
Of course not.

AUDIENCE
Jon Bon Jovi???

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI
That's right. Now listen carefully, and I'll tell you what's really going on—
(gets shot by Brit Twit)

MULTICULTURAL CAST (show up)
Wow, we were just joshing with ya, Brit Twit. You took the joke too far.

REDHEADED CHICK
Good job, Brit Twit.

UPPER CLASS BRIT TWIT
Wait a minute... Was this entire game just a ploy to get me to kill your cheating lover, Bon Jovi?

REDHEADED CHICK
No way, well actually, yes.

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI'S GHOST (shows up)
I got shot through the heart.

REDHEADED CHICK
And I'm to blame.

PROFESSOR JON BON JOVI'S GHOST
You give love a bad name.

AXL ROSE
Hell, y'all should've asked me. I would've done it for twenty bucks.

THE END

Mindhunters

2007-01-02T06:01:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Renny "I ruined The Exorcist" Harlin
Starring: A bunch of people who die and LL Cool J
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VAL KILMER (to his trainees)
You call yourselves criminal profilers? You suck! You're not fit for the FDA, much less the FBI. I'm sending you to Abandoned Island, where you'll have to solve a mock murder while simultaneously being cut off from all human contact, just like in real life.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Is that really how the job works in real life?

VAL KILMER
Err...I have to make a call or something.
(runs off)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JONNY LEE MILLER (to the other trainees)
Boy, am I happy we all made it safely to Abandoned Island!

LL COOL J
Me too.

THE OTHERS
Whaa—?? Who are you?

LL COOL J
I work for the government. They sent me here to observe your progress.

KATHRYN MORRIS
Funny, you don't look like a government agent.

(LL Cool J puts on his sunglasses.)

KATHRYN MORRIS
I stand corrected.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trainees come across a woman's body hanging in a store. Christian Slater touches something. This triggers a meticulously plotted chain reaction involving three thousand intricately positioned dominos, eighty specially sized ball-bearings and a giant Erector set, which ultimately succeeds in tipping over a small metal drum.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Big whoop.

(The drum contains liquid nitrogen.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER
Oh shit.

(The drum explodes and Christian Slater is blasted with liquid nitrogen, instantly freezes and then breaks apart into small pieces.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to Renny Harlin)
Whoa, whoa, whoa...you're telling me that I'm the first to die in this flick? What about these other posers?

CHRISTIAN SLATER'S AGENT (finally finishes reading the script)
Trust me, it's a gift from the gods.

(He escorts an unhappy Christian Slater off the set)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trainees begin to die one by one. The time of each death is foretold by a small clock found near the previous victim's body.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Okay, so as best as we can tell, there is a real killer on this island. Now, we searched the entire island and didn't find anyone, and it is not feasible that the killer is capable of changing hiding spots to thwart our searching efforts. Therefore, I conclude that the killer must be one of us.

KATHRYN MORRIS
I suspect Hispanic Sandra Bullock!

HISPANIC SANDRA BULLOCK
Fuck you, puta.

JONNY LEE MILLER
I suspect LL Cool J!

OTHER TRAINEES
Yeah, you're right, nice going, etc.

LL COOL J
Always gotta lay the blame on the black man, huh? Well, too bad cause I'm not the killer.

(He's right. This is proved by way of an elaborate and physically draining action sequence in which LL Cool J saves Crippled Trainee's life.)

CRIPPLED TRAINEE
Yay, LL Cool J saved my life!
(dies twenty minutes later)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KATHRYN MORRIS
Okay, now all of us are dead except Jonny, LL and myself. Therefore, one of us must be the killer!

(There is much silent tension.)

ZOMBIFIED AUDIENCE
We give up.

(LL Cool J starts acting like the killer, so Jonny Lee Miller and Kathryn Morris beat him up and knock him out.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Hooray, we caught the killer!

KATHRYN MORRIS
Not so fast. See, in my spare time, I set the wall clock back fifteen minutes and then painted its face with a li'l radioactive dye concoction. This dye should have stuck to the killer's hands when he subsequently reset the clock back to the correct time. We now can check who the real killer is by examining everyone's palms under this blacklight that I have in my hands right now for some reason.

(They do the test, which reveals Jonny Lee Miller is the killer.)

JONNY LEE MILLER
Muhahahahaha!!

KATHRYN MORRIS
When did you do it?

JONNY LEE MILLER
When you all were knocked out from the drugged coffee. Now do you want to know why I did it?

KATHRYN MORRIS
No, I still want to know when you did it. You're telling me that, in the span of a few hours, you (1) sawed off the head of Foreign Trainee; (2) drained all the blood from his body; (3) cleaned up; (4) used the blood to write a few thousand specific numbers on a wall; (5) tortured Val Kilmer and hung him from puppet strings in some warehouse on the other side of the island; (6) rigged the lights to malfunction and the water pipes to burst; (7) opened up every cigarette vending machine on the island and inserted into each a pack of smokes specially coated beforehand in an acid that does not harm paper but eats people alive; and (8) somehow set every said vending machine to dispense the deadly smokes at a precise time of your choosing.

JONNY LEE MILLER
Well, when you put it like that, of course it sounds dumb.

KATHRYN MORRIS
And what was with the dominos?

JONNY LEE MILLER
I really have no life.

(Jonny Lee Miller chases Kathryn Morris around the island until she is cornered. But LL Cool J shows up and saves her at the last second.)

LL COOL J
C'mon, was there any doubt?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Several months later. Christian Slater has just finished watching Mindhunters on pay-per-view.)

CHRISTIAN SLATER (to his agent)
Wow... Now I understand why I pay you the big bucks. But where were you when I signed on for Alone in the Dark??

THE END

The Descent

2006-12-31T10:43:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Some British dude
Starring: Some British chicks
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sarah has just gone white water rafting with her friends. She drives home with her husband and daughter.)

SARAH (to her husband)
Are you okay? You're being awfully quiet.

HUSBAND
I'm fine.

(A pickup truck crashes into their car, propelling a metal pole through their windshield and into her husband's head.)

HUSBAND
Actually, now that you mention it, I've been better.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Over the next year, Sarah becomes a hermit. Finally, her friends persuade her to go spelunking with them.)

JUNO
Hello, Sarah.

(Sarah doesn't respond.)

JUNO
What's the matter? Don't Juno my name? Haha, that's a little proper noun humor for you.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
I can't believe we're going to explore a known cave system. That's some stupid shyte.

AMERICAN AUDIENCE
I'm sorry...did she just say "shyte"?

(Juno leads them all into an unexplored cave system, but she doesn't tell the others this until a cave-in occurs and blocks their only exit.)

JUNO
My bad.

ANOTHER EXPLORER CHICK
You stupid bitch. No one will come rescue us because they think we're exploring another cave.

JUNO
Hey, come on now. I said, "my bad."

(The girls penetrate deeper into the cave in hopes of finding another exit. Then Gollum from Lord of the Rings shows up.)

PETER JACKSON (in audience)
I'd sue for this if I were an asshole. But, meh.

(Gollum rips out Butch Explorer "Chick's" Adam's apple.)

GOLLUM
Ahhh, the precious........

SARAH
Wait a second...I thought only males have Adam's apples.

BUTCH EXPLORER "CHICK"
It's a long story. Fortunately I'm dead, so I don't have to tell it.

(Gollum's family shows up and chases the other explorer chicks throughout the save system. The girls start getting killed off one by one. Sarah gets separated from the rest of the group.)

ONE EXPLORER CHICK
Forget her. She's a nut anyway.

JUNO
No, we can't leave Sarah behind!

(Juno goes back and finds Sarah.)

JUNO
Thank God you're still alive.

(Sarah whacks Juno in the leg with her pick.)

JUNO
Is that because I slept with your husband? Because, you know, it only happened like eight times.

(All the girls die except Sarah, who escapes. But then the escape turns out to have just been a dream.)

DIRECTOR
Hey, they got away with it in "Dallas."

(Back in the cave, Sarah's dead daughter shows up with a cake. Sarah and Gollum sing "Happy Birthday," and they all live happily ever after.)

THE END

Havoc

2006-12-29T07:23:00.000-05:00

Directed by: The same chick who would direct Shut Up and Sing (no funny comment needed)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips as Pampered Rich White Suburban Chicks Who Want To Be Badass Gang Bangers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Soccer Moms and their young daughters file into the theater. The film begins.)

SOCCER MOMS
Ah...another movie with that wonderful princess, Anne Hathaway. We loved her wholesome performances in the Diaries and Ella Enchanted. We didn't read the write-up on this film, but we're sure it'll be another fun flick for the whole family.

(Anne Hathway takes her top off and starts cursing like a sailor. Soccer Moms immediately shove their daughters out of the theater.)

ANNE HATHAWAY
Fuck the Princess Diaries, and fuck Julie Andrews. I won't let myself be typecast as some goodie two-shoes chick. In fact, I'm having my agent sign me up for that gay cowboy movie; that'll show 'em. Meanwhile, I'll ruin my upright image by doing lots of drugs and engaging in explicit sex acts with gang members.
(She does.)
I'm such a whore.

BIJOU PHILLIPS (very drunk)
I'm a bigger whore. Watch as I screw three gang bangers in a row.
(She begins to do so. But then the guys try to triple team her, and she comes to her senses.)
Stop! Let me up! Get off of me!

(The guys continue to force sex with her until she finally manages to escape.)

BIJOU PHILLIPS (later, to Anne Hathaway:)
I was raped.

ANNE HATHAWAY
No, you weren't. You asked for it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
But doesn't the fact that I was too drunk to even stand mean that I couldn't give the proper consent? Also, I thought a woman has the right to say "no" at any time.

ANNE HATHAWAY
She does. But then the guy has the right to tell her to shove it.

BIJOU PHILLIPS
I see. Thanks for setting me straight.

(Accused sex offenders across the country applaud Havoc's "interpretation" of California's rape crimes law.)

THE END

The Usual Suspects

2006-11-17T07:14:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring: Strong acting talent and Stephen Baldwin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PETE POSTLETHWAITE (to Comic Crooks)
Rob this steamer of drug money or mysterious supervillain Keyser Soze will come and kill you.

COMIC CROOKS
Okay.

(They infiltrate the steamer but find no money. Then Keyser Soze shows up and starts killing them anyway. The next day:)

SGT. DAN HEDAYA
So who is Keyser Soze?

AGENT CHAZZ PALMINTERI
I suspect everyone, except the crippled guy.

(It's the crippled guy.)

THE END

The Good Son

2006-11-16T05:37:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Joseph Ruben
Starring: Frodo, "Scary" Macaulay Culkin and various insignificant others
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FRODO
I'm sad cause Mom died.

FRODO'S DAD
I'm sad too. In fact, you hanging around here is making me more depressed. Go live with Macaulay Culkin for awhile.

MICHAEL JACKSON
Don't mind if I do!

FRODO'S DAD
I was talking to Frodo.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MACAULAY CULKIN (trying to be scary)
I'm ever so glad that you're our guest, Frodo. Muhahaha!!

FRODO
Me too.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
Huh? Aren't I scaring you?

FRODO
Nope. I mean, I know I'm supposed to act scared, but gimme a break. You just starred in Home Alone 2 for Christ's sake. You're not exactly Jason Voorhees.

(Macaulay Culkin continues trying to act scary, but all anyone sees is Kevin McAllister or that loser kid from My Girl.)

AUDIENCE
Aww, he's so cute.

"SCARY" MACAULAY CULKIN
No, I'm not!

AUDIENCE
Coochie-coochie-coo!

THE END

Signs

2006-11-13T11:39:00.000-05:00

Directed by: M. Night Shyamalansky (he's a jew!)
Starring: Mel "It's not a DUI if you're a gentile" Gibson, Joaquin "Who is my real brother" Phoenix, and Cory "Hey at least I'm not Macaulay" Culkin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Reverend Mel and family leave their farmhouse and find that mysterious circles have formed in their crop.)

REVEREND MEL
My God...I know who did this.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Space aliens?

REVEREND MEL
The Jews!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Really?

REVEREND MEL
Clearly you have not been following the scriptures. Revelation 81:99: "And behold, He opened the eighteenth seal and Jewish cropcircles encompassed the land." Now let's all go back inside and finish our daily viewing of The Passion.

KID CULKIN
Wait, I think it really is space aliens! Listen to this makeshift alien radio I created.

(They listen. There is static.)

EVERYONE
Ahhh! Aliens!!!

(Later, Reverend Mel is wandering the neighborhood.)

M. NIGHT SHYAMELESSCAMEO (shows up)
Hey.

REVEREND MEL
Um, shouldn't you be behind the camera?

M. NIGHT
No, I'm in "actor-mode" now. I've cast myself in a pivotal role in this film.

REVEREND MEL
Did our budget already run out, or are you just a huge prima donna?

M. NIGHT
Excuse me, William Wallace.

REVEREND MEL
Never mind.

M. NIGHT
Okay, now back to the movie.
(switches to "actor-mode")
I know you hate me, Father.

REVEREND MEL
Yes. Yes, I do... Why, are you a jew?

M. NIGHT
No! I'm the guy who, while driving drunk, struck and killed your wife!

REVEREND MEL
Ah well, shit happens.

(Reverend Mel learns that M. Night trapped an alien in his cupboard. He goes to invesitgate.)

REVEREND MEL (standing outside the cupboard)
Hello? Is anyone there?
(No answer.)
You should be aware that I have called the authorities. They're on their way. With big guns. And the swat team. Also, I phoned Lt. Columbo, Perry Mason and The Equilizer, so you're pretty much screwed.

(The alien gets mad and reaches under the cupboard to grab him. Reverend Mel slices the alien's fingers off.)

REVEREND MEL
Haha! Don't fuck with Jesus!

(Later, the aliens are attacking. Reverend Mel and family have boarded up their house.)

REVEREND MEL (to Joaquin Phoenix)
Quick, brother, into the basement!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Why am I your brother? You do realize I'm closer in age to Kid Culkin than I am to you.

REVEREND MEL
No time to discuss asinine casting choices, we're under attack!

(The family survives the attack and are able to fend off the aliens. It turns out water kills them.)

KID CULKIN
Funny how the aliens never had a problem wandering through our dew-covered crop. Also, isn't there like a lot of water vapor in the air like all the time?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Shut up. You're Macaulay Culkin's kid brother. No one will ever take you seriously.

THE END

Silent Hill

2006-11-11T01:43:00.001-05:00

Directed by: Christophe Gans
Starring: A bunch of women, one man who acts like a woman, and creatures modeled after figurines from David Lynch's toy collection.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Hot Mom is driving a car. Her young daughter is riding shotgun.)

HOT MOM (to Daughter)
Lately you've been having really scary nightmares about this place called Silent Hill. So I figured the best way for you to cope is to take you there myself and throw you in the middle of the town. It's called aversion therapy, and it works! After visiting a slaughterhouse, I haven't touched meat in six years. Your father doesn't count. Wait, yes he does.

(The police pursue Hot Mom, and she puts the pedal to the metal and wrecks her car, losing consciousness in the process. When she comes to, she is in Silent Hill and her daughter is missing. She is approached by a female cop.)

OFFICER CYBIL
License, registration and proof of insurance, please.

HOT MOM
You need proof of insurance?

OFFICER CYBIL
You do have car insurance, right?

HOT MOM
Yes, ma'am, I drive with Safe Auto.

OFFICER CYBIL
Playing it safe, huh? Okay.

HOT MOM
Anyway, my daughter has gone missing. Could you help me locate her, Officer...?

OFFICER CYBIL
Cybil.

HOT MOM
That's an unusual name.

OFFICER CYBIL
Yep. In fact, there're only three of us left: me, that "Moonlighting" chick, and the paranoid schizophrenic Sally Field.

HOT MOM
You mean the paranoid schizophrenic once played by Sally Field.

OFFICER CYBIL
Whatever. Anyway, you're under arrest.

HOT MOM
Huh, why?

OFFICER CYBIL
You have a broken headlight.

HOT MOM
That's because I just crashed my car.

OFFICER CYBIL
Step out of the vehicle please, or I'll taze you like that fat lady on youtube.

(Hot Mom complies. One of David Lynch's prodigal children shows up. Officer Cybil fires but the bullets have little effect. It turns night and the town becomes evil. Some dude with a humungous pyramid head approaches.)

HOT MOM AND OFFICER CYBIL
Ahhhh!! Quick, let's get inside the church!

(They do. Pyramid Head is left alone.)

PYRAMID HEAD
I only wanted a hug. *sniff*

(Inside the church, Sectarians agree to help Hot Mom find her daughter.)

HOT MOM
Thanks. Who says there's no such thing as small town hospitality? Hey, wanna see a picture of her?

(She shows the Sectarians a picture of her daughter.)

HEAD SECTARIAN
Her daughter looks just like that one girl we burned alive years ago! The only solution to this paradox is...burn more people!

(They burn Officer Cybil but Hot Mom escapes. She finds her daughter, who is really not her daughter, but some other lady's daughter, well part of her is some other lady's daughter, she is also evil now, or maybe she was always evil. Anyway, the girl shows up and kills all the Sectarians.)

THE END

PRODUCERS
The end? We don't think so. There's not a man in this entire flick. What were you thinking, Gans?

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Well, I—

PRODUCERS
Silence! The target audience for this movie is boys aged 12-19, and teenage boys certainly are not going to want to stare at women the whole time. Bring in Evil British Guy.

SEAN BEAN (enters)
You called?

PRODUCERS
Can you try to be not so evil and not so British for this flick?

SEAN BEAN
Righteo. I mean...fo'shore.

CHRISTOPHE GANS (to Producers)
But where should I put him in the movie?

PRODUCERS
Just create a superfluous plotline that has no interaction with the main story and ultimately adds nothing to the film. Duh.

CHRISTOPHE GANS
Fine.

PRODUCERS
Next time, Gans, do us a favor and don't think outside the box. Your film reeks of originality, and frankly, it's taking away from our wealth of rehashed horror remakes and sequels. Now go think up a sequel to Silent Hill that incorporates a younger, hotter female lead with big bosoms who once strarred on a prime time soap, preferably "Party of Five" or "7th Heaven." And for God's sake, tone down the blood and guts; we're in the business of making PG-13 movies here.

(Chrisophe Gans becomes yet another disenfranchised Hollywood director.)

THE END

Open Water

2006-10-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Some guy
Starring: The finest of Hollywood's "D" List
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!! We've been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

DIRECTOR
NO. You're rushing the movie. First we must shoot twenty minutes of tedious "character development" and gratuitous nudity.

(They do.)

DIRECTOR
Okay, now get in the water.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Help!! We've been left behind in the ocean by an irresponsible diving crew!

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
You spend too much time at work.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Can we discuss that later? We're being circled by sharks!

SHARKS
Hoo hoo hah hah!

(Time passes. The yuppie divers remain in the ocean. The sharks remain at bay.)

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
Hey, you ever play that Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon game?

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
Don't you realize we're going to die out here??!!

(The sharks go away. Then they come back. Then they go away. Then they come back.)

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I hate you.

YUPPIE GIRL DIVER
I love you.

YUPPIE GUY DIVER
I love you.

(It's the next morning. The irresponsible diving crew has just discovered that they left two divers in the ocean.)

IRRESPONSIBLE DIVING CREW
Oops.

(Meanwhile, sharks eat the two yuppie leads.)

SHARKS
Yum.

CRITIC IN AUDIENCE
Wow. This movie was like Blair Witch, only in water.

DIRECTOR
Thanks! Um...that's a compliment, right?

THE END

Red Eye

2006-10-19T02:26:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Chick from "Mean Girls", Scarecrow, and William Stryker
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(At an airport lounge:)

SMOOTH BADGUY (to Nice Hottie)
You're hot. Let me buy you a drink. What's your favorite... cosmopolitan?

NICE HOTTIE
I don't drink pussy drinks. I'll have a Bay Breeze.

(Later, while boarding the plane:)

NICE HOTTIE (to Smooth Badguy)
Hey, we have seats right next to each other. What a coincidence.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Is it?

NICE HOTTIE
What else could it be?

SMOOTH BADGUY
It could be that I have manipulated the passenger log so that we would sit in the same row because I know you are the manager of an upscale Miami hotel which happens to house the Secretary of Homeland Security for the weekend, and I would require you to switch the Secretary's room to a suite overlooking the ocean, so my fellow mates fishing with a rocket launcher can blast his ass to kingdom come. Assuming that you may be a straight-arrow law-abider, I would coerce you to do same by threatening your father with bodily harm. I would have a badguy friend of mine secretly parked outside your Miami abode, who would commence acts of violence against dear old dad in the event you do not follow my instructions.

NICE HOTTIE
Well, yes, I guess it could be that.

SMOOTH BADGUY
Haha, I'm just joking. No, I'm not.

(Smooth Badguy persuades Nice Hottie to make the call to the hotel changing the room, but the airfone's service dies. Nice Hottie then tries to secretly and elaborately signal for help but is stopped at the last second by Smooth Badguy. Repeat four times.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
You're quite a handful...although perhaps I asked for it by choosing to menacingly confront you on a commercial jet packed with a hundred people within a twenty foot radius instead of simply pulling you to a dark corner of the airport and demanding you make the call while still on the ground. This also would have allowed me to brandish a firearm to make my threat more intimidating. Additionally, then I wouldn't have to worry about the real possibility of the call's service being interrupted mid-flight, as has since plagued my present course of action. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.

(Finally, airfone service returns and Nice Hottie makes the call. Shortly thereafter, the plane lands in Miami.)

SMOOTH BADGUY
Good work, Nice Hottie. Now just behave yourself and everything will be fine. Once I receive word that the Secretary is dead, I will tell my badguy friend waiting outside your house to leave. Don't worry, he won't act to kill your father unless he first receives word from me to do so.

(Nice Hottie stabs Smooth Badguy in the windpipe with a ballpoint pen.)

SMOOTH BADGUY (wheezing)
Perhaps I should've left that last part out.

(About this point, Smooth Badguy turns into Bumbling Badguy and is outsmarted, outmauevered and outskilled at every turn by Nice Hottie and also by a nine-year-old girl. There is a lot of physical comedy with Bumbling Badguy tripping over everything and everyone. Laughs are had. Nice Hottie escapes and calls the hotel to warn the Secretary, saving him in the nick of time. Next, Nice Hottie returns home and saves her father from Other Badguy in the nick of time.)

NICE HOTTIE AND NICE HOTTIE'S DAD
Hooray, we're safe!

BUMBLING BADGUY (shows up, donning an ascot)
Not so fast.

NICE HOTTIE
Don't worry, dad. I'll handle this one.

(Bumbling Badguy turns out to be the worst assassin on the planet as he gets his ass handed to him by Nice Hottie, who beats him up with every household object imaginable. Finally, he gets shot in the chest by Nice Hottie's Dad.)

BUMBLING BADGUY
I suck.
(dies)

WES CRAVEN
See, I can direct suspense thrillers without relying on supernatural monsters! And running barely an hour at that!

FREDDIE KRUEGER (to Wes Craven)
You suck.

THE END

Robots

2006-10-03T10:28:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Chris Wedge and Carlos Saldanha
Starring (the vocal "talents" of): Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Diane West, Greg Kinnear, Halle Berry, Robin Williams, and *coughcough* Drew Carey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
I'm gonna be a dad! Yay!

AUDIENCE
But you're a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right. That means I get to build my son! Isn't that neat?
(builds a baby robot)
Now I get to watch him grow up.

AUDIENCE
But he's a robot.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
That's right, but I will buy him big boy robot parts and then teenager robot parts and then adult robot parts.

(He does.)

AUDIENCE
Why didn't you just buy adult robot parts from the beginning, you fool? Now you're broke.

STANLEY TUCCI ROBOT
You're right.

EWAN MCGREGOR ROBOT
It's ok, Dad Robot. I'll go off to the big city and make money for us.

(He goes to the big city to work as an inventor and meets Robin Williams Robot.)

ROBIN WILLIAMS ROBOT
This is great. In this film I get to use all the jokes I proposed in Aladdin that were cut from the final script.

(He tells the jokes. They are not funny.)

AUDIENCE
This very well might be Robin Williams' worst role ever.

OTHER ACTOR ROBOTS
Ewan McGregor Robot, we'll stand with you in your plot to bring down Greg Kinnear Robot's evil robot company and robot capitalism as a whole. First, however, let's do a five minute fart joke gag.

AUDIENCE
How did this get green-lit? Let's get our money back.

(begin to leave the theater)

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Please...we need to eat.

AUDIENCE
Sorry. Ice Age was fun, but you really screwed this one up. You have Drew Carey in it, for Christ's sake.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey!

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA (to Drew Carey Robot)
They're right.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Can I at least win an Oscar?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Depends. Are you willing to participate in an intense ten minute interracial robot sex scene?

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
With whom?

CHRIS WEDGE AND CARLOS SALDANHA
Hmm...we'll need a fat, middle-aged, white guy loser.

DREW CAREY ROBOT
Hey, I'm still here.

HALLE BERRY ROBOT
Never mind. I'd rather win the Razzie.

THE END

The Exorcist

2006-09-28T01:55:00.000-04:00

Starring: Screwed-Up Kid, Her Mom, Father-Dee and Father-Dum
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In an obscure and lengthy prologue, a young Father Merrin goes trotting through Iraq and finds the Devil or something.)

AUDIENCE
Why is the Devil in Iraq?

TREY PARKER, MATT STONE AND SADDAM HUSSEIN
Makes sense to us.

(Several years later in Washington D.C....)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my darling daughter, kindly take care of yourself while I concentrate on my acting career.

REGAN
Okay.

(She does and promptly gets possessed by the Devil.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my dear, I'm a bit concerned with the way you've been cursing and pissing yourself lately. Also, yesterday when you spider-walked down the stairs and spat blood, I shat my pants.

POSSESSED REGAN
Let Jesus fuck you!

ELLEN BURSTYN
Uh huh. I think I'll let my friend Burke have a look at you.

BURKE
Sure.
(dies)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Karras.

(Father Karras shows up.)

FATHER KARRAS
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Merrin.

(Father Merrin shows up.)

FATHER MERRIN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Jesus.

(Jesus shows up. Possessed Regan begins puking green slime and masturbating with a crucifix.)

JESUS
Whoa, I'm outta here!

FATHER MERRIN (to Possessed Regan)
Who are you??!!

POSSESSED REGAN
I go by many names, but you can call me Captain Howdy.

FATHER KARRAS
Well, there goes any suspense we were trying to build.

FATHER MERRIN
Wait a second...I remember you now! I saw you in Iraq. You're the Devil! My God...the Devil is here in Washington D.C.!

HUGO CHAVEZ
That's what I've been trying to tell you people!!

POSSESSED REGAN
Karras, your mother sucks cocks in hell!

FATHER KARRAS
Really? Is she any good?

POSSESSED REGAN
Uh....ok, you called my bluff.

(There is a massive battle between the priests and the Devil. However, we have no idea what is happening or who is winning.)

FATHER MERRIN AND FATHER KARRAS
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
(pause)
The power of Christ compels you!

(The priests continue to repeat the same line until the Devil goes insane and takes off. Both priests die, but Regan is saved.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
So the Devil only needed to be loved...

REGAN
What? That's not what happened at all. Haven't you been paying attention?

ELLEN BURSTYN
Not really. I've been concentrating on my third divorce. How'd that whole exorcism thing go?

WARNER STUDIOS EXECS (checking the box office gross)
Very well, apparently.

(Thirty-five years later...)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Now that I've irreperably tarnished an H.G. Wells masterpiece, I'm ready for another half-assed remake of a classic. How about The Exoricst? I'll cast Dakota Fanning as the lead.

(The general public pukes green slime.)

THE END

The Ring Two

2006-09-19T08:36:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Japanese Guy Who Directed the Original Original
Starring: MILF Reporter, Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act, "Scary Little" Girl, Sissy Spacek, and Inconsequential People (Who Die)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(After the events of the first film, MILF Reporter and her Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act have moved from Seattle to Oregon.)

MILF REPORTER (relieved)
It looks like we escaped Scary Little Girl and her tape just in time!

(Scary Little Girl and her tape show up in Oregon and kill some Inconsequential People, except now Scary Little Girl is neither scary nor little.)

NAOMI WATTS
Huh? Why isn't she scary anymore?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Since filiming the Japanese original, Mr. Nakata has now learned of the art that you Americans call C.G.I. He is very happy with this C.G.I. and shall use it often.

(Hideo Nakata makes good on his promise. Also, instead of having genuinely scary scenes, "Scary Little" Girl now jumps up from behind people a la Michael Myers.)

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Hello, mother. Can I make you some coffee before you head to work?

MILF REPORTER
What's happened to you? You never used to treat me with respect.

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Can't you tell from my acting?

MILF REPORTER
Not really. Unless you're trying to play a stoned Haley Joel Osment. Then you're doing a pretty good job.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Mr. Nakata has just seen the classic film you Americans call "The Omen." He enjoyed very much the scene with the baboons attacking the demon child and mother in the car. It would please him to rip-of...er, pay homage to the scene by shooting it for this film.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
I'm not sure baboons run wild in Oregon. How about we use deer instead?

(They go to film the scene. No deer show up.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
What happened?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Sir, it appears the deer caught wind that this movie will flop and have migrated east to warn their other animal friends.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
In that case, we shall just use more of your American C.G.I. No one will be able to tell the difference.

(They film the scene. It looks terrible and everyone can tell the difference.)

MILF REPORTER
My son is possessed by "Scary Little" Girl, I think...I can't really tell from his acting. I need to talk to someone who understands my problem.

(A mental ward attendant leads MILF Reporter to a cell containing Sissy Spacek, who is busy cutting construction paper.)

MILF REPORTER
Oh, it's "Scary Little" Girl's mother! Maybe she can help me!

ATTENDANT
No...that's really Sissy Spacek. This is where the studio's kept her ever since Blast from the Past. Alicia Silverstone's in the next cell.

(MILF Reporter decides to "save" her son by drowning him in the bathtub.)

ANDREA YATES (to MILF Reporter)
You'll be alright. Just tell them you're a loony-toon. Works wonders.

(Her son wakes up and is no longer possessed by "Scary Little" Girl.)

MILF REPORTER
Thank God, my real son is back! Now maybe he can act again!

CREEPY SON WHO STILL CAN'T ACT
What-was-that-you-said-Rachel?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Enough plot/character development! More C.G.I.!!!

(They film the rest of the movie with C.G.I. Hideo Nakata views the finished product.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Behold! A work of art!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1 (to Production Assistant 2)
Should any of us tell him that we don't have any clue what actually happens in this movie?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2
No need. I'm pretty sure he has no idea either.

THE END

The Big Blue

2006-09-14T01:59:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Luc Besson
Starring: A German playing a Frenchman and a Frenchman who may or may not also be a Spaniard playing an Italian
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ENZO
I am the greatest free-diver in the world!

ENZO'S KID BROTHER
What about that dolphin-lovin' dude who always beat you when we were kids?

ENZO
Bring him to me and I shall defeat him!

(Jacques Mayol shows up.)

JACQUES MAYOL
Enzo, I have zero interest in competing against you. I'm very content with my current job of recovering sunken oil tanker machinery in the Arctic Sea for minimum wage.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE (to Jacques Mayol)
You're cute.

JACQUES MAYOL
Okay, I'll do it. Let the free-diving contest begin!

NINETY PERCENT OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell is free-diving?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Time passes as both men prepare for the World Free-Diving Championship. Jacques Mayol and Rosanna Arquette start a relationship.)

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
You seem distant. There's someone else, isn't there?

JACQUES MAYOL
If you must know...yes.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
What does she have that I don't?!

JACQUES MAYOL
Fins, for one. Also, she can breathe out of the top of her head.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
Don't tell me you've been having an affair with a dolphin.

JACQUES MAYOL
Don't be ridiculous. Now onto a completely different topic, I'm going to take a swim. Have you seen my waterproof condoms anywhere?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jacques Mayol beats Enzo in the World Free-Diving Championship.)

ENZO
I would rather kill myself than come in second place.

(He does.)

JACQUES MAYOL (to Rosanna Arquette)
My life sucks. Come with me to the pier so I can drown myself.

(She does and he does.)

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Booo! He's cute. We want him to live.

(American filmmakers change the ending so now, instead of drowning, Jacques Mayol swims off into the moonlight with his dolphin girlfriend.)

THE REAL JACQUES MAYOL (watching)
What the fuck?

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Hooray!

GUYS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Zzzzzzz...

THE END

Leviathan

2006-09-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

Starring: Robocop, Brooke Shields Clone, Ghettobuster, Washed-Up TV Star and Voice of Kevin Arnold
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(An underwater mining team finds a slimy genetic mutation in a submerged Russian sub.)

ROBOCOP (calling the surface)
Help! A slimy genetic mutation is attacking us! It just ate the guy who does the adult voice of that wuss from "The Wonder Years"!

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE (over the radio)
We'd like to help, honest. But there's this really bad hurricane up here. Yeah, it sucks. Won't be able to send a rescue ship for a few days.

ROBOCOP
Hurricane? But isn't it springtime?

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Gotta go. *Click*

ROBOCOP (to the others)
The Compan...err Corporation has left us for dead. We'll have to fend for ourselves. The creature appears to be hiding in the dark areas of the ship. I'll take this flame thrower. You guys take these other weapons. Let's split up and find it. If we can't kill it, we'll have to abandon ship by way of the portable shuttle.

WASHED-UP TV STAR PLAYING THE DOCTOR
Sounds like a plan. For my part, I will turn on all of you and sabatoge our escape efforts.

GRUNGY MINER
Hey, one of the monsters is inside me and about to burst out of my chest.

GHETTOBUSTER
Wait, does all of this remind anyone else of that famous sci-fi horror movie, also involving a group of miners, where...

THE DIRECTOR
Uh oh, they're onto us. Better throw them off the scent.

(The monster from The Thing shows up.)

GHETTOBUSTER
Hmm...never mind.

(The monster eats everyone except Robocop and the hot girl, who escape to the surface.)

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Welcome back. I knew you'd make it.

(Robocop punches her in the face.)

TOM CRUISE (in the audience)
Yeah! Take that, bitch!

KATIE HOLMES
You know, that isn't Brooke Shields.

TOM CRUISE
Damn.

THE END

House of Wax

2006-09-11T00:50:00.000-04:00

Starring: Kim Bauer, Famous Slut, Dumbass Guys and Waxface
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DUMBASS GUY NO. 1
Hey let's drive across the country to see a nondescript football game for some reason.

OTHER DUMBASSES
Yeah!

FAMOUS SLUT
Sounds hot. By the way, I'm pregnant.

(They take two cars. It gets dark.)

KIM BAUER (staring out the window)
OMG, look!

(They look out the window. In the other car, Famous Slut is giving a Dumbass No. 1 road head.)

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What, it's just Paris Hilton giving a blowjob.

DUMBASS WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA
I have to get this on tape!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
Why? Don't you already have it saved on your hard drive?

KIM BAUER
Look, there's a spooky campground where we can sleep for the night.

(They do. The next morning they are visited by the Redneck from Deliverance.)

REDNECK FROM DELIVERANCE
Howdy-do, youngens. Any'un care to join me for some roadkill stew? It'll be good eatin'.

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Um, no thanks, but can you give Kim and I a ride to town? Our car has mysteriously broken down.

(Redneck from Deliverance does, during which time he constantly leers at Kim Bauer's breasts)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Meh, I can't blame you.

(They arrive at town.)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Hey, look. There's a House of Wax. Let's go investigate.

(He does. And then Waxface turns him into a wax dummy.)

KIM BAUER
Help help!!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What is it?

KIM BAUER
Crazy twin brothers have turned all the people in town into wax figures!! Also, I think I just saw a cougar.

(Meanwhile, Waxface has killed the other Dumbasses. He chases Famous Slut into some industrial building by the campground that wasn't there the night before. Then he throws a steel beam through her head. Famous Slut dies a gruesome death.)

AUDIENCE (cheering in unison)
Hooray!!!

GUY IN AUDIENCE
That's one pole she won't be dancing with.

(Meanwhile, Kim's Deadbeat Brother shoots Waxface's Brother/Lover in the heart with a crossbow. Depressed, Waxface's Brother/Lover returns home.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Hi, honey, I'm back. What a day!

(Waxface, concerned, tries to take the arrow out of his brother's chest.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Don't bother. It's only a flesh wound.

(Meanwhile, Kim Bauer and her Deadbeat Brother set fire to the House (Made) of Wax, which is flammable for some reason. The crazy brothers die and the house turns into goo.)

(The next morning, Hillbilly Sheriff and his deputies show up.)

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
So those two crazies turned everybody into a wax dummy, huh? Who'da thunk it?

KIM BAUER
Didn't you ever bother to check on the dozens of people during the past thirty years who entered this town and never returned?

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
Nah, we let 'em be. Figured they were Unitarians.

THE END

The Rock

2006-09-11T00:13:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Underdog Hero, The "Good" Bond, Sympathetic Terrorists, Incompetant Marines and Incompetant Government Suits
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"HOLLYWOOD PICTURES" CREW (singing)
"We're off to make a Michael Bay film! A wonderfully long Michael Bay film! Because because because because...Jerry Bruckheimer told us to!"

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Let's see if we've covered all the bases. Do we have woefully unqualified and underresourced heroes fighting against all practical odds?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
A hot chick with no infulence over the plot whose only purpose is to look worried?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Incompetant government suits who make the wrong move at every turn?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Creative deaths that defy plausibility?

MICHAEL BAY
We have one guy who chomps down on a nerve gas capsule. Also, Candyman gets launched off the island via missle.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Pointless destruction and lots of shit blowing up?

MICHAEL BAY
Whoops, forgot that one. Hold on.
(films a twenty minute car chase scene where Underdog Hero and Incompetant Suits pursue the escaped "Good" Bond, who causes millions of dollars in property damage and then abruptly changes his mind and gives himself up, thus rendering the scene moot)
I think we're good to go.

MICHAEL BIEHN
Okay, I'll admit it. I haven't been in a good film since the the bastards at Fox prematurely killed me off in the Alien franchise. Hopefully, I'll be in this movie long enough to jump start my career back to life.

(Michael Biehn dies after five minutes of screen time.)

MICHAEL BIEHN
What the... (profanity-laden tirade removed)

THE END

Van Helsing

2006-07-06T23:04:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Steven Sommers
Starring: Van Helsing, Hot Goth Fighter Chick, Rockstar Dracula, Ralph Waldo Frankenstein, and Video Game Graphics
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: The corner office of a Universal Studios suite, Hollywood circa 2002.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I have this GREAT idea for a new monster movie!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Okay, shoot.

EXEC 1
Alright. Opening shot of Dr. Frankenstein working in his castle, night. He's trying to bring his Creature to life. Thunder, lightning, that sort of jazz. Then Dracula demands he use more power—

EXEC 2
Wait, I thought this was a Frankenstein movie.

EXEC 1
It is! Okay, so then Dracula sucks the doctor's blood.

EXEC 2
Wow, so Dr. Frankenstein becomes a vampire?

EXEC 1
Huh? No. Alright. Flash forward a few months. Van Helsing, having just narrowly defeated Mr. Hyde—

EXEC 2
Mr. Hyde? And where did this "Van Helsing" come from? Isn't he that old guy from the Dracula novel?

EXEC 1
Well, yeah, but we won't make him old. This can be like the beginning of his career, you know. And he won't have a pussy biblical name like Abraham. No way. His name's Gabriel. Anyway, back to the story. Van Helsing meets up with this goth fighter chick who's all broken up because the Wolfman just killed her brother.

EXEC 2
Is this the same movie?

EXEC 1
Yeah! But her brother's not really dead. See, he was bitten and now he's a warewolf too!

EXEC 2
What's that, the twist ending?

EXEC 1
Ending? No way. We're only fifteen minutes into the film.

EXEC 2
Jesus, what happens for the rest of the movie?

EXEC 1
Three words, my friend: See Gee Eye.

EXEC 2
Hmm.

EXEC 1
So what do you think?

EXEC 2
I have to be honest. Your idea lacks any concept of plot, character development or originality. It's just one more speck in the long line of tired, rehashed Hollywood schemes that favor style over substance. Let's go get it green-lit.

THE END

Prince of Darkness

2006-06-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Loomis, Grad Students Who Can't Act, Alice Cooper, and the Devil*
*Note: The Devil and Alice Cooper are played by separate actors.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Loomis and Grad Students Who Can't Act are in Spooky Church.)

LOOMIS
Gather 'round, Grad Students Who Can't Act, and listen to me tale. Many moons ago the ancestors of my ancestors found the Devil, liquidated him, and trapped him in some glowing green ooze.

MICHAELANGELO
Cowabunga!

LOOMIS
No no no, this is Evil Ooze. Behold.
(reveals the Evil Ooze)

GRAD STUDENTS WHO CAN'T ACT
Ooooh, ahhhh.

JOHN CARPENTER
Good God, maybe I should have hired more respectable actors instead of blowing my entire budget on special effects to make the ooze look radioactive.

LOOMIS
Hey, that hurts.

JOHN CARPENTER
Quiet, you, or I won't let you appear in Halloween 4, 5 and 6.

LOOMIS
Yes, Master.

(Time passes. The Devil escapes from the Evil Ooze and begins possessing the grad students. Everyone begins having the same nightmare.)

LOOMIS
Hey, there are some genuinely freaky moments starting to build. We need some moronic and poorly-timed comic relief to break the tension.

THE MENTAL MIDGET GRAD STUDENT KNOWN AS WALTER
You called?

(More grad students become possessed and then die.)

JOHN CARPENTER
This is becoming tedious. Let's get more shots of Alice Cooper.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Sir, Alice Cooper isn't on the payroll.

JOHN CARPENTER
Then what's he doing outside amongst the hoard of extras playing homeless people?

ALICE COOPER
Actually, I'm quite drunk and seem to have forgotten the way back to my hotel room.

JOHN CARPENTER AND FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

(More time passes. The grad students figure out the way to stop the Devil is to break a mirror.)

LOOMIS
Congratulations. Now those of us who are still alive can go home.

GRAD STUDENT WITH THE PORNSTAR MUSTASCHE
Wait! I don't think we really stopped the Devil for good!

LOOMIS
Son, I'm tired and my paycheck's arrived. Tell it to Alice Cooper.

THE END

Groundhog Day

2006-06-16T23:19:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Egon
Starring: Bill Murray and Amy Grant Clone
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(It's Groundhog Day. Bill Murray is in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.)

BILL MURRAY
I'm a mean weatherman who hates everybody. Good night.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Not so fast.

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
Hey, this is weird. Oh well, I still hate everybody.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
No tomorrow for you!

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
Now I hate everybody and I know a lot of shit.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Nope.

(It's Groundhog Day again.)

BILL MURRAY
I love everyone, especially Amy Grant Clone.
(goes to sleep)

GOD
Hmm...ok.

(It's the day after Groundhog Day.)

BILL MURRAY (to God)
Sucker.

THE END

Event Horizon

2006-05-27T11:16:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Paul Anderson (the bad one)
Starring: Dr. Grant, Captain Cool, Random British Guys, Puny Punk, Chicks Who Aren't Hot, and LL Cool J Stand-In
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Captain Cool and assorted crewmen are in a spaceship...sometime in the future!)

CAPTAIN COOL
We just received a distress call from a place far away where there should not be a distress call.

RANDOM BRITISH GUY
Hmm...sounds like "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No. It doesn't.

DR. GRANT
Hello, all. The distress call is actually coming from a spaceship I designed called the "Event Horizon"...oooh, spooky. It eerily vanished seven years ago and all the crew are presumed dead. Therefore, the distress call is most likely being sent by a ghost or something evil...so this should be fun! Because the ship has mysteriously reappeared all the way over in east bumblefuck, we'll need to use our hypersleep pods during our journey to recover it, exactly like in "Alien."

PAUL ANDERSON
No, not exactly.

(Some indiscriminate time later, the crew arrives in East Bumblefuck, which is adjacent to the planet Neptune. The Event Horizon is there. It looks crappy.)

DR. GRANT
Perhaps I should mention that inside that monstrosity I caged up a cute li'l black hole that doesn't follow the laws of physics.

CAPTAIN COOL
All right. Let's investigate.

(They do. The ship, though, turns out to be EVIL and begins killing them.)

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Hot damn! We're dying off one by one, just like in that movie...

PAUL ANDERSON
NO, IT IS NOT JUST LIKE IN THAT MOVIE.

DR. GRANT
Ha-ha-ho-hum! Now I'm crazy for some reason. Watch as I tear out my eyes.
(he does)
Okay, now who wants to go to Hell?

CAPTAIN COOL
Not me.

CHICK WHO ISN'T HOT BUT IS STILL ALIVE
Not me.

LL COOL J STAND-IN
Not me.

PUNY PUNK
Me.
(Everyone looks at him.)
I forgot to mention, I've turned crazy too.

(Crazy shit happens and there are BIG EXPLOSIONS. But some crew manage to escape. The credits begin to roll.)

AUDIENCE
Wait, I'm confused. Did they go to Hell or not? And was it Hell in the religious sense or more of a philisoph-

(Cue ABRUPT BLARING ROCK MUSIC, which drowns out the audience.)

THE END

Heathers

2006-03-05T22:31:00.000-05:00

Starring: A bunch of 20-somethings trying to act like high schoolers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WINONA RYDER
Sigh. I'm popular, but all my friends are bitches named Heather.

HEATHER WITH BAD 80s HAIR
I'm hot!

HEATHER WITH WORSE 80s HAIR
I'm hotter!

HEATHER WHO SHOULD JUST SHAVE IT ALL OFF
I'm the most hottest!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON (to Winona Ryder)
Hey, babe, what's, going, on.

WINONA RYDER
Hey, you're cute.

(Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson takes out a gun and starts shooting at students.)

WINONA RYDER
Wow, you're crazy. That turns me on.

(They make out.)

WINONA RYDER
I hate that Heather With the Worst 80s Hair bitch-friend of mine.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PlAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick her.

(They do. She dies.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?!

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
I dunno. Well, maybe it had something to do with this Drano I made her drink. Let's make it look like a suicide.

(They do. Now Heather is even more popular dead than alive.)

WINONA RYDER
Look, suicide's become the new "in" thing to do. I wonder if it'll replace snap bracelets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's trick some jocks.

(They do. Christian Slater Playing Jack Nicholson shoots them in the face.)

WINONA RYDER
What happened?! I thought you were only using special stun bullets.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
You're a fucking idiot. Wanna have sex?

WINONA RYDER
No, I hate you now almost I much as I hate the other Heathers.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Let's kill them too. We'll make them all look like suicides.

WINONA RYDER
No.

CHRISTIAN SLATER PLAYING JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll just blow up the school.

(He almost blows up the school, but Winona Ryder stops him or something, so he decides to blow up himself instead.)

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell's the moral of this trash?!

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Shut up. It speaks to us.

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
And why does Winona Ryder always look like the bride of Satan?

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Stop exaggerating.

(In her next two movies, Winona Ryder also looks like the bride of Satan.)

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE
Well, at least in these movies she starred opposite even bigger freaks.

BEETLEJUICE AND EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
You just made two powerful enemies today, friends.

THE END

Executive Decision

2006-02-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

Starring: Kurt Russell, Steven Seagal, Arab Terrorists, Multicultural Good Guys, and Steven Seagal (in case you missed it the first time)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STEVEN SEAGAL
Come on, commandos! Let's go get the terrorist nerve gas!

(The terrorist nerve gas is missing.)

STEVEN SEAGAL
D'oh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Meanwhile, Middle-Eastern terrorists, with possession of the nerve gas, have hijacked a commercial airliner.)

TED KENNEDY AND C.A.I.R.
You can't make the terrorists Arabs! That's racist!

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Please just shut the fuck up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A multicultural taskforce of good guys, assembled to take out the terrorists mid-flight, has connected to the airliner via stealth fighter. All of the taskforce make it onto the plane except Steven Seagal. Suddenly, Kurt Russell remembers Passenger 57 and realizes this movie likely will flop.)

KURT RUSSELL (calling down to Seagal)
Our careers aren't going to make it!

STEVEN SEAGAL
Yours will! You'll go on to star in Miracle, whereas I'll be moving on to Half Past Dead.
(dies)

ASIAN GOOD GUY
Uh oh, Steven Seagal was our leader good guy. Now we don't know what to do.

KURT RUSSELL
I'll be your leader good guy.

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Haha, you don't know the first thing about being a leader.

KURT RUSSELL
How about we kill the terrorists?

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
I see now I misjudged you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The multicultural taskforce does some zero-g manuevers and cuts some wires, but nothing really happens.)

WHITE GOOD GUY WHO'S NOT KURT RUSSELL
Are we ready to storm the terrorists yet?

KURT RUSSELL
No. We must wait until Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy diffuse the bomb.

(Ten minutes go by. Oliver Fatt and Black Good Guy turn out to be horrible at diffusing bombs.)

KURT RUSSELL
Okay, now we can go in. But first I'm going to touch Halle Berry's ass.
(does)

(The good guy taskforce storm the main cabin and take out all the hijackers, but the pilots die in the process. The passengers panic.)

KURT RUSSELL
Don't worry everyone, I'll land the plane.
(does)

HALLE BERRY
My hero.

STEVEN SEAGALL (shows up)
Hi, everybody!

HISPANIC GOOD GUY
Um...you died like an hour ago.

STEVEN SEAGALL
But Steven Seagall can't die.

BLACK GOOD GUY
You fell out of a plane in mid-flight.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Maybe I grabbed a hold of the tail and rode my way to safety.

BLACK GOOD GUY
I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

STEVEN SEAGALL
Oh...oh.
(goes away)

THE END

The Skulls

2006-02-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Rob Cohen

Starring: It's a secret (but not a good one)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COACH
Welcome, gentlemen, to The Femurs: the secretest secret society in the known universe. Now to take attendance. Political Bigwig?

SENATOR GRISSOM
Here.

COACH
Manly Moron?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Here.

COACH
Asshole Assistant?

CHRISTOPHER MACDONALD
Here.

COACH
Washed-Up TV Idol?

PACEY
Here.

COACH
Actually, I was referring to myself.

(The candidates are put through several trials, each more demanding than the last, until they are finally inducted. There is a great banquet.)

THE FEMURS (singing)
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do.
We do.

(Abruptly, Pacey’s best black friend ends up dead.)

PACEY
Manly Moron, you were the one who killed my best black friend, weren’t you?

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
It wasn’t my fault! Tell him, Dad.

COACH
That colored boy had it coming. Now let’s all celebrate by smoking $300 cigars.

(Pacey digs deeper into the death and discovers that the real murderer was Coach.)

COACH
Pacey, your investigation has disgraced this society. As a consequence of your blatant insubordination and pursuant to our organization’s eighteenth century code of ethics, my son hereby challenges you to a duel.

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
Oh, thanks.

(There is much disagreement amongst the socialites.)

COACH
See, it’s right here in our bylaws.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Yep, looks legal to me.

(They begin to pace off. Pacey throws his pistol to the ground. Instead of shooting him, Paul “Look Ma, I’m Acting” Walker shoots Coach.)

PAUL “LOOK MA, I’M ACTING” WALKER
I shot you because I love you.

SENATOR GRISSOM
Well, that wraps everything up. Time for me to return to Washington, where the notoriety of my deep involvement in this scandal is sure to whisk me to re-election.

THE END

The Vanishing

2006-02-05T21:32:00.000-05:00

Directed by: The same guy who directed the good version
Starring: Jack Bauer (that's all you need to know)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jack Bauer and Sandra Bullock are stopped at a gas station.)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Sandra Bullock.

SANDRA BULLOCK
And I love you, Jack Bauer.

(Five minutes later, Sandra Bullock has disappeared.)

JACK BAUER
Humph.

(Three years later...)

JACK BAUER
I love you, Nancy Travis.

NANCY TRAVIS
No, you still love your missing girlfriend.

JACK BAUER
You're right.

(Nancy Travis leaves. "Slow" Kidnapper shows up.)

SLOW KIDNAPPER
He-llo, Jaack. I'm the uune who kidnaapped your gurlfriend many mooons ago.

(Jack Bauer KICKS HIS ASS in true Jack Bauer form. Slow Kidnapper is beaten to a bloody pulp.)

JACK BAUER
Tell me what you did with her!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Whaat?

JACK BAUER
DAMN IT! We don't have any time!!

SLOW KIDNAPPER
To... find... out... what... happened... to... Sandra... Bullock... you... have... to... go... through... exactly... what... she... went... through.

JACK BAUER
If you think I'm going to star in a horrible sequel to "Speed", you're crazier than you look.

SLOW KIDNAPPER
Yess, that would be too cruel. Here, just drink dis coffee instead.

JACK BAUER
Okay, but it better not be decaf.
(drinks)

(It is decaf, or drugged... Jack Bauer passes out. When he wakes up, he's buried underground in a coffin.)

JACK BAUER (calling)
Okay, I don't need to know anymore!

(With the help of Nancy Travis, Jack Bauer breaks out of his casket and kicks Slow Kidnapper's ass again, this time killing him.)

DUTCH FILM SNOBS
Huh?! This remake sucks! He's supposed to die in the coffin. They can't change the ending!

JACK BAUER
Of course I can, fucktards. I'm Jack Bauer. I can nuke your whole country if I feel like it.
(kills Dutch Film Snobs)
God bless America.

(He has passionate sex with Nancy Travis and then ditches her for a hotter girlfriend.)

THE END

Career Opportunities

2006-01-14T10:53:00.000-05:00

Starring:
Frank Whaley as.....That Tool From School Who Thought He Was Cool
Jennifer Connelly as........................Girl Waaaay Outta His League
John Candy as...........Role That Likely Took All Of 5 Minutes To Film
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip. One day I'm gonna be the CEO of Target.

TARGET MANAGER
You can start by mopping the floors.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
That's ok. This is probably how Bill Gates began.

BILL GATES (watching)
What a fuckin' loser.

(Target closes, but High School Tool spots an extremely hot shoplifter in a shirt two sizes too small.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
We have a policy of prosecuting all shoplifters, but I'll let you off the hook if you show me your rack.

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE
Sorry, this is the one movie where I don't take my clothes off. But to compromise, I'll have sex with this toy horse.

(She does and it is hot.)

BUMBLING CROOKS FROM HOME ALONE (show up)
We're notorious thieves. That's why we're robbing a Target.

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL (to Girl Way Outta His League)
Uh oh! Let's run around and do stupid shit!

(They do. Bumbling Crooks are outsmarted at every turn. Repeat.)

HIGH SCHOOL TOOL WHO THINKS HE'S COOL
I'm so hip.

(We reach the point in the movie where the editor apparently peaced out because the rest of the flick is as disjointed as a Mad Libs story.)

GIRL WAY OUTTA HIS LEAGUE (to High School Tool)
It's all right, I have a (noun) ___hot body___. I'll destract the crooks by (verb) ___stripping___. Meanwhile, you just try to look (description) __like an assface__. I promise that come tomorrow we will be relaxing in (location) __Abu Gharib__, sipping cocktails while watching the sunset.

THE END

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

2006-01-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

Starring: Father Moore, Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith, Jack McCoy With A Mustache, Head Suit, Hot Possessed Chick, etc.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HEAD SUIT
You—Lawyer Who Lost Her Faith—we need you to defend Father Moore. He's an old quack priest who killed some chick during an exorcism. Have fun!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(At the courthouse...)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
Okay, Father, why don't you tell me what happened?

FATHER MOORE
I worked to dispell Satan and six other devils from Emily Rose's body, but he gripped her in the dark cloak of death!

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I see... Now, are you familiar with the insanity defense?

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE (shows up)
Hi, Father Moore. I'm from Law and Order S.T.F.U. Stoned Trippin' Fathers Unit. I understand you killed some freaky hot chick.

FATHER MOORE
She was possessed by the devil!

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
Hmm, a cokehead priest...we've seen a lot of this lately. Father, you been doin' some of mother nature's baby power? You been sniffin' the good stuff?

FATHER MOORE
Well, it's not the 80s and I'm not Lindsay Lohan, so NO.

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
You're charged with second degree murder, but you've got a nice face and I've got a lunch engagement with one of my prostitutes, so I'm willing to drop the charges to reckless jaywalking, $18 fine.

FATHER MOORE
NO DEALS.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The trial begins. A third of the audience leaves the movie to see if they are in the right theatre. They do not return. Occasionally we see flashbacks featuring Emily Rose twisted into a pretzel.)

GUY IN AUDIENCE
A contortionist chick...that's hot.

(We see a flashback of the exorcism. Father Moore, Emily's Dad, Emily's Boyfriend and Pussy Doctor are present.)

FATHER MOORE
Who is in you?!

EMILY ROSE (possessed)
Cain! Nero! Hecuba! Judas! Carrottop!

FATHER MOORE
Dear Christ!

PUSSY DOCTOR (to Boyfriend)
How can you possibly still be seeing her?

BOYFRIEND
Look how many men she's let in her already. It's just a matter of time before I get lucky.

(The exorcism finishes, but nothing is different.)

DAD
Now what?

FATHER MOORE
Hell if I know.

(Mary, Mother of God shows up.)

FATHER MOORE
Ah, now it all makes sense.

(Mary does nothing and goes away.)

FATHER MOORE
Shit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at the trial. Closing arguments.)

JACK MCCOY WITH A MUSTACHE
And then Emily Rose died. Find Father Moore guilty of murder.
(sits)

LAWYER WHO LOST HER FAITH
I was an atheist, but then freaky shit began happening in my apartment, so now I believe in God. Anyway, vote not guilty.

(Thirty seconds later.)

JURORS
We find the defendant guilty...

JUDGE (sweating, to herself)
Uh oh, I thought this movie wasn't supposed to take a stand one way or the other. Now Pat Robertson's gonna be on our ass.

JURORS
...but we think he's nice and shouldn't go to jail.

JUDGE
Phew...

PAT ROBERTSON
Hooray!

THE END

Lolita

2006-01-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick (a.k.a. "Scary Man with Crazy Beard")
Starring: Humbert (squared), Lolita, Slutty Landlady and Woody Allen
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm a divorced British professor of French literature who has traveled to small town America in order to teach at the local school. I need a place to stay.

SLUTTY LANDLADY
I'll rent you my vagin...I mean, my spare room. By the way here's my precocious, sexually-curious teenage daughter, Lolita.

HUMBERT (squared)
Shaawing!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUTTY LANDLADY
Wanna sleep with me?

HUMBERT (squared)
Nope.

(Slutty Landlady finds out Humbert is a pedaphile lusting after her daughter. Five seconds later she is run over by a car.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Phew, that was convenient. Hey, Lolita! Let's go for a vacation without Mummy. By the way, don't look down the street.

(He and Lolita travel the country. Lolita is totally macking on him.)

HUMBERT (squared)
By the way, your mom is dead.

LOLITA
I hate you. No, I don't.

(She does.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(They stop at a hotel for the night. Humbert squared goes onto the porch for some air.)

WOODY ALLEN
Oh Gawd! Hello.

HUMBERT (squared)
Um, hi.

WOODY ALLEN
You have a nice face. I wish I had a nice face. That's a pretty little girl with you. I like little girls.

HUMBERT (squared)
Ok, I think I'll go back inside now.

WOODY ALLEN
Youhaveanicefacegoodnight.

(We think Lolita and Humbert squared get it on, but we don't see anything. They continue to drive cross country. It becomes apparent that Lolita wears the pants in the relationship.)

LOLITA
Stop at the next gas station.

HUMBERT (squared)
Why?

LOLITA
Cause I said so, bitch!

(Humbert squared goes inside to take a piss and sees Lolita mackin' it with some dude in a coupe, who then drives off.)

HUMBERT (squared)
Who was that?

LOLITA
Who?

HUMBERT (squared)
That guy.

LOLITA
What guy?

HUMBERT (squared)
The guy in that car?

LOLITA
What car?

HUMBERT (squared)
The car that just left this gas station.

LOLITA
What gas station?

HUMBERT (squared)
Stop playing games!

LOLITA
Who's on first?

HUMBERT (squared)
Who?

LOLITA
Exactly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Their affair continues unfettered except now she acts like a bitch and he like a pussy all of the time instead of 90% of the time. Then Lolita gets "sick".)

LOLITA
*Cough, Cough*

HUMBERT (squared)
I'll call the ambulence!

(The next morning he goes to the hospital to have her released.)

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm here to pick up Lolita.

NURSE
Oh, Uncle Buck came to pick her up three hours ago.

HUMBERT (squared) (turns into the Hulk and starts knocking over shit)
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BLAH!! BOOO!! BRAHHH!!

NURSE (to an orderly)
Call the police!

HUMBERT (squared)
I'm cool.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(One year passes without a trace of Lolita. Then one day she sends him a letter and he goes to visit her.)

LOLITA
Hi. Dis is my baby daddy. We're hard up for some cash.

HUMBERT (squared)
Come back with me.

LOLITA
You stupid fucking prick. I was fucking around on your pathetic ass with a guy who makes a fortune directing movies and playing with little girls: Woody Allen. By the way, I always hated you.

HUMBERT (squared)
Here's five thousand dollars.

LOLITA
I love you! Visit anytime!

(Humbert squared departs in tears and then kills Woody Allen.)

HUMBERT (squared)
That was for Lolita...and "What's Up, Tiger Lilly". That movie sucked!

THE END

American Pie

2005-12-31T00:04:00.000-05:00

Starring: Sex-crazed teenage duds pursuing girls way out of their league
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JASON BIGGS
I'm horny.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I'm horny.

CHRIS KLEIN
I'm horny.

NATASHA LYONNE
I'm horny.

FINCH
I'm horny.

SHANNON ELIZABETH
I'm horny.

STIFLER
I'm horny.

STIFLER'S MOM
I'm horny.

APPLE PIE
I'm horny.

(Most of the cast ends up screwing each other. The rest pitifully attempt to rationalize their lack of play.)

EVERYONE
We're happy we all understand each other now.

"USED" APPLE PIE
Yet I can't help but feel a bit violated...

THE END

Quiz Show

2005-12-30T02:00:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Robert Redford
Starring: A Jewish Ken Jennings, Ted Turner, Chuck Woolery, New England Lawyah, Swarmy TV Execs, Overshadowed Son, and Smart Dad
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TED TURNER
How'd we do this week?

INTERN
Everything's up, sir...except for Quiz Show, whose ratings have dropped faster than Janet Reno's testicles.

TED TURNER
What?! Who's our reigning champion?

INTERN
A Jewish Ken Jennings.

TED TURNER
Sweet Christ... Call in Swarmy TV Execs, stat!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Jewish Ken, you know how we've given you the answers to the quiz show week after week and you've made like thousands of dollars? Well, now we need you to take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Forget it. The audience loves me.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Actually, they hate you. Besides, if you want a future in television, you'll take a dive.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
All right.

SWARMY TV EXEC TWO
Sucker.

(Jewish Ken Jennings takes a dive. Now Overshadowed Son is the champion.)

SWARMY TV EXEC ONE
Congratulations, Overshadowed Son! You obviously have an incredible intellect. Now, here are all the answers for next week's show.

OVERSHADOWED SON
What? I don't want the answers. I want to play fair and square.

SWAMY TV EXEC TWO
C'mon.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Ok.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

SWARMY TV EXECS
*Yawn*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

TED TURNER
*Yawn*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
I know, I'm the one who told you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
The quiz show is rigged and I can prove it.

OVERSHADOWED SON
DEAR GOD—How did you find out??!! Uh...I mean, coffee?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OVERSHADOWED SON
The grand jury investigating the quiz show scandal wants me to testify. Should I do it?

TED TURNER
No.

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Yes.

SWARMY TV EXECS
No.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
Yes.

CHUCK WOOLERY
No.

SMART DAD
Yes.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Really, Dad, you think I should?

SMART DAD
Of course. You have nothing to hide.

OVERSHADOWED SON
Actually, I've been systematically cheating from the very beginning.

SMART DAD
Well, fuck you then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Overshadowed Son testifies publicly about the quiz show scandal.)

NEW ENGLAND LAWYAH
Good. Now evehything is right again.

OVERSHADOWED SON AND SWARMY TV EXECS
Except we lost our jobs.

SMART DAD
And I lost respect for my son.

JEWISH KEN JENNINGS
And I lost my annoying Jewish caricature.

TED TURNER
And I just got richer! Hahahah!

AUDIENCE
Wait a minute...this isn't a happy ending at all.

TED TURNER
That's right. I hope you all realize the moral of this story: TV is evil. ...except for TBS and TNT—they're some good shit.

THE END

Wild Things

2005-12-28T21:26:00.000-05:00

Starring: Denise Richards and Neve Campbell as Hot 20-Something High School Sluts, Matt Dillon as Hot Teacher, Kevin Bacon as Officer Weiner, and Bill Murray as Bit Part He Had To Take Cause He Lost A Bet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENISE RICHARDS
Have sex with me.

MATT DILLON
Okay.

(They do it.)

DENISE RICHARDS
You raped me.

MATT DILLON
No, I didn't.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Yeah, uh, you raped me too.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
You're in big trouble, pretty boy.

NEVE CAMPBELL
Wait, I was lying.

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Matt Dillon, you're a free man.
(leaves)

MATT DILLON
Hahaha, I was really "in on it" the whole time. We tricked everybody, girls, and now we're rich for some reason.

(There is a threesome scene between Matt Dillon, Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. It is HOT. Then it ends.)

MALE AUDIENCE
Excuse me, projectionist? Something went wrong. It skipped the part where Neve Campbell takes her top off.

PROJECTIONIST
Sorry, Neve has a no-nudity clause in her contract.

(Neve Campbell's stock immediately drops to post-1997 Alicia Silverstone levels.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
Hey, y'all want more nudity? Here's my wang.

(Kevin Bacon's stock climbs dramatically amongst Manhattan Drag Queens.)

OFFICER KEVIN BACON
By the way, I was also "in on it".

(Every other character turns out to have been "in on it" too. Then everyone except Neve Campbell dies.)

NEVE CAMPBELL
I wonder if I'd have better success in my career if I stay a blonde.

ALICIA SILVERSTONE
Hah...right.

THE END

Alien

2005-12-27T09:29:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Ridley Scott
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: The Nostromo spacecraft. A distress call wakes the crew from their hypersleep.)

DALLAS
Hey, everybody. Looks like someone's in trouble on Spooky Planet. Let's go!

BRETT
How the hell are we gonna help? We're a bunch of space miners.

ASH
I think it's very important that we land on Spooky Planet. VERY important.

BRETT
Well, that convinced me. Let's go.

(They land on Spooky Planet. Kane leaves the ship to investigate and returns with a mutated starfish attached to his face. Ripley lies Kane down in the medical ward while the Nostromo takes off again.)

RIPLEY
Let's cut this thing off him.

DALLAS
Can't. It bleeds acid.

PARKER
Let's dump some baking soda on it.

LAMBERT
What good will that do?

PARKER
Might look cool.

(The crew becomes bored and leaves Kane alone. Later, Ripley wonders by the ward.)

RIPLEY
Hey, look at Kane. That thing's gone now.

KANE (wakes up)
Boy, nothing like frenching a mutant starfish for three hours to give a guy an appetite. What's for dinner?

(They all sit down to a heaping portion of spaghetti.)

BRETT
Great to have you back, Kane.

(Suddenly, an alien bursts out of Kane's stomach and dashes out of the room.)

DALLAS
This tastes bland as shit. Pass the tabasco sauce.

RIPLEY
Dallas, Kane's stomach just exploded.

DALLAS
Really? In that case, forget the tabasco.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The alien has killed Brett.)

DALLAS
Hmm...this thing might be dangerous. Let me crawl into the Super Scary Claustrophobic Air Ducts and see if I can get a better look at it.

(He does and dies.)

RIPLEY
Let's kill the alien.

ASH
No, let's befriend it.

RIPLEY
Ash...you appear to be bleeding milk.

(Ash goes crazy and attacks Ripley, but Parker kicks his ass. Turns out Ash was an android all along sent to kidnap the alien.)

ASH
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you nosy kids!

(Parker blowtorches him.)

LAMBERT
Now what?

RIPLEY
I think we should blow up the ship and ditch in the Super Cramped Experimental Escape Shuttle. I'll go get the ship's cat. You two go down the Super Scary Pitch Black Passageway.

(They do and are killed by the alien.)

RIPLEY
Oops. Oh well, it's for the best. We only have two hypersleep pods anyway, and one's reserved for the cat.

(Ripley jettisons the ship in the escape shuttle. The Nostromo blows up.)

RIPLEY
I just exploded an eighty trillion dollar spacecraft in order to kill some two-bit alien. God, life is good!

(The alien shows up.)

RIPLEY
Oh, eff this.
(begins undressing in order to put on her space suit)

ALIEN (drooling)
You're such a tease. Do I make you horny, baby?

RIPLEY
Huh?

ALIEN
Just setting up the sexual tension between us, so it will make sense when we "do it" in the sequel.

RIDLEY SCOTT
You're joking.

JEAN-PIERRE JEUNET
No.

RIDLEY SCOTT
See ya.
(takes off and never looks back)

THE END

Passenger 57

2005-12-27T03:16:00.000-05:00

Starring: Wesley Snipes, British terrorists and country yokels
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Scene: Warner Bros. Executive Headquarters. April, 1991.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
All right, people. This company is in dire need of a blockbuster action flick. Think "Die Hard", but bigger and more outrageous.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a "Die Hard" clone set in the air? You know, we can have terrorists take over an airplane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Brilliant! And with an original twist.

WARNER BROS. LACKEY
Sorry to interrupt...but didn't a sequel to "Die Hard" about terrorists taking over airplanes come out like last year?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Get the fuck out of my office.

(Warner Bros. Lackey is escorted from the building.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Now, where were we?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
The film should be realistic. For instance, we'll have the terrorists be Brits.

WARNER BROS. EXEC THREE
Why would Brits hijack an American airliner?

WARNER BROS. EXEC TWO
They could still be pissed off about losing the Revolution.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Love it!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
But a full-length film taking place solely on an airplane might get a bit tedious, especially if we're not planning to add details like plot and character development.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm...this may be true.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I got it! We'll have the plane land for a few minutes so the terrorists can hop over to a nearby amusement park for some carnival antics before they take off again.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
That'll help the movie relate to the average viewer. Flight holdovers are common to Joe 6-pack.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Who should the hero be?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
How about a ruthless city cop with a grudge against international terrorists?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Hmm, sounds like John McClane.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
But...we'll make him black.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE

Yes!

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE THREE
We can get Wesley Snipes.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
And we can throw in a gag where he's mistaken for Arsenio Hall.

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE FOUR
Does Wesley Snipes look like Arsenio Hall?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO
I don't know. But they're both black!

(They make the movie.)

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE ONE
Well, that flopped. What the hell went wrong?

WARNER BROS. EXECUTIVE TWO

We broke the cardinal rule of filmmaking. Too much exposition; not enough black jokes.

THE END

Kazaam

2005-11-27T10:41:00.000-05:00

Directed by: (deleted out of sympathy for the director)
Starring: Shaq...do you even need to know the rest?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lost Moviegoer wonders into the theatre.)

LOST MOVIEGOER
Excuse me, is this the screen for Jerry Maguire?

PIMPLY-FACED USHER
No, this is the screen for Kazaam, the film starring L.A. Lakers' center Shaquille O'Neill as a wish-granting genie in a magical lamp who befriends a young city boy and—

(Lost Moviegoer leaves the theatre.)

THE END

Mortal Kombat

2005-11-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

Starring: Everybody from the first game and like 2 or 3 from the second.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT (to Johnny Cage, Sonya and Liu Kang)
I am the god of thunder and lightening. I have brought you all to this island to fight in a tournament between worlds called mortal kombat. It's mortal men and women fighting for the fate of the universe.

LIU KANG
If it's just mortal men and women, then why are we fighting some beast with four arms and another dude who as far as I can gather is a shapeshifting sorcerer?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
There can be only one.

SONYA
What does that mean?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Oops, wrong flick. What I meant is, the balance of the realms hinges on your victory.

JOHNNY CAGE
Why do I feel you have no idea what you're talking about?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Look pal, this is a movie based on a video game. You're lucky we're even attempting a plot. It was either this or I zap electricity from my fingers for 90 minutes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage fight the "mortal" combatants. The mysterious Princess Kitana is watching.)

SHANG TSUNG (to Goro)
That Princess Kitana is up to no good. Keep her far away from all the combatants, especially that Liu Kang guy.

GORO
Done.
(schedules Princess Kitana as Liu Kang's next opponent)
D'oh!

(Princess Kitana helps Liu Kang win all his fights.)

LIU KANG
Now I will fight Shang Tsung.

PRINCESS KITANA
Wait! First let me tell you how to win.

JOHNNY CAGE
I'm about to fight that four-armed freak. Any advice for me?

PRINCESS KITANA
No. Fuck off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Liu Kang faces off against Shang Tsung.)

LIU KANG
Down, Down, Back, Down, High Kick.

(Shang Tsung dies. The ghosts of all the people he killed escape. Liu Kang has a heart to heart with his dead brother.)

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT
Congratulations, mortals. Shang Tsung is dead and the evil emperor has been disgraced. Your victory has ensured the prosperity of the earth realm. The stars are now aligned for the path of the new chosen one...ah fuck this.
(goes back to filming another Highlander sequel)

THE END

Die Hard

2005-11-18T00:14:00.000-05:00

Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Principal Vernon, Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(McClane has arrived at LAX. He goes up to Cool Black Guy, who is holding a sign with his name.)

McCLANE
I'm a pissed off cop from New York. I hate everyone on the west coast. I'm only here because I'm trying to score with my estranged wife. Get all that? Okay, now drive me to this Japanese brothel/office building.

COOL BLACK GUY
Fo'shizzle da nizzle.

(McClane arrives at the skyscraper. He ascends to the 60th floor, where there's a large party going on. In the background many Japanese men screw many prostitues.)

MRS. McCLANE (shows up with Slick Prick)
Hi.

McCLANE
Hi.

SLICK PRICK
Hey goober, wanna do a line of coke with me?

McCLANE
That's so '80s.

SLICK PRICK
Touche.

(Meanwhile, several German terrorists, Genghis Kahn and Steve Urkel have infiltrated the building. They hold all the party guests hostage. McClane is in the whizzer.)

HEAD TERRORIST ALAN RICKMAN
Everyone remain calm. We are only here to conduct an unnecessarily elaborate and expensive burglary. If you do as we say, you will be unharmed.
(to Random Terrorist)
By the way, have you peppered the entire building with C4 yet?

RANDOM TERRORIST
Check.

(Meanwhile, McClane has killed a terrorist and is trying to radio the police.)

McCLANE (over the radio)
Help, you idiots! We're being held hostage! Send police to rescue us!

(In the parking lot, the police arrive to rescue them.)

McCLANE
What are you doing, you morons?! Don't try to rescue us!
(to himself)
I need a distraction to clear the fuzz out of the way. I know! I'll drop some C4 I found down this elevator shaft.

McCLANE'S BRAIN
Uh, hold on a moment... Are you sure it's a good idea to blow up the base of the skyscraper you're presently inside?

McCLANE
Yippee-ki-yay!

(He drops the explosives down the elevator shaft and there is a HUMUNGOUS EXPLOSION, but fortunately the structure of the building remains completely intact.)

LAWS OF PHYSICS (show up)
Sorry, we were in the can. What'd we miss?

(Meanwhile, Officer Carl Winslow is performing the heroic duty of listening to the police radio while sitting on his ass.)

CARL WINSLOW (to McClane over the radio)
And then...when I was twenty-four, I shot a kid during a raid. Oh God, it was horrible! I'll never get over that day as long as I live...

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
Will you please shut the fuck up? I thought we agreed to limit our broadcast time on this channel to five minutes each. It's crowded enough as it is.

HANS AND FRANS (over the radio)
Are you talking to us, boss?

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
No.

PRINCIPAL VERNON (over the radio)
Who said that?

McCLANE (over the radio)
Not me.

(Meanwhile, Slick Prick gets killed, but Reporter Prick shows up to take his place. McClane kills all the terrorists except Alan Rickman. Then he kills Alan Rickman. Then the building BLOWS UP. But McClane and the hostages are SAFE. Then a terrorist COMES BACK TO LIFE, but Carl Winslow SHOOTS him.)

CARL WINSLOW
Hey, now I can kill people without any lingering feelings of sympathy or remorse...I'm cured!

THE END

Speed 2: Cruise Control

2005-11-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

Directed by: Jan De Bont
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Willem Dafoe, and Lame White Pretty Boy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sandra Bullock is standing in front of a cruise ship.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Oooh, I'm about to start a long, romantic, tropical cruise with Keanu Reeves. I can't wait!

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Hi.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Who the hell are you? Where's Keanu?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
He abandoned ship. How about the two of us set sail instead?

SANDRA BULLOCK
Hmm...what's your cabin like?

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Let me tell you something, lady. It's not the size of your cabin that counts; it's the motion in the ocean.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Yeah, I've heard that one before.

(Sandra Bullock and Lame White Pretty Boy board the ship. The vacation goes well until Willem Dafoe appears.)

WILLEM DAFOE
Hoo-hoo-haa-haa!! I'm crazy, get it?!

(Willem DaFoe takes over the ship and most likely steers it in a different direction. Of course, since we're in the middle of the ocean surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, we neither notice nor care.)

PANICKED PASSENGERS
We're going fast! We're out of control!

AUDIENCE (snoring)
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

(The shore comes into view. The ship is about to careen into a resort town.)

LAME WHITE PRETTY BOY
Quick, drop an anchor or something to stop us.

JAN DE BONT
Forget it, the crash scene stays in. We blew our entire budget on it. Why do you think we've been feeding y'all hot pockets for the past six weeks?

(The ship impacts the dock. Because the ship appears to be moving as slow as molasses to the untrained eye of an audience member, Extremely Annoying Scottish Crewman cries out the present speed every five seconds.)

EXTREMELY ANNOYING SCOTTISH CREWMAN
Four knots!!!!!

LONE DUMBASS IN AUDIENCE
Holy shit! Four knots!!!

(Finally, the ship stalls.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS STILL AWAKE
Thank God...it's over.

WILLEM DAFOE
Not so fast, I'm still alive. And I'm still CRAZY!!!!
(goes on a joyride on his waverunner)
See, here's where the SPEED part of the movie comes into play!
(blows up)

(Everyone associated with the movie is called into 20th Century Fox's boardroom.)

TRUMP
Okay, who was responsible for this debacle?

JAN DE BONT
I was the project manager, sir, so I should take the blame.

TRUMP
I like your honesty, you can stay. But Lame White Pretty Boy, you got a shot at the big time and you blew it. Opportunity doesn't knock twice, kid, so when it does, you don't walk to answer, you run. But in your case, you were asleep at the helm. Some folks are not cut out for Hollywood, and you're one of them. YOU'RE FIRED.

(Dejected, Lame White Pretty Boy goes on to make even worse films.)

THE END

Magnolia

2005-10-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

Directed by: P. T. Anderson
Starring: Pretentious actors playing dull characters
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The film begins with a cool narrative about urban legends. The audience is entranced. Suddenly, an episode of COPS begins and John C. Reilly's ugly mug fills the screen.)

BLACK LADY (to John C. Reilly)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(A dead guy falls out of her closet.)

TOM CRUISE (appears)
All females should suck my massive cock.

JASON ROBARDS
I'm dying.

TOM CRUISE
Good. You can suck my cock too.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I used to be a quiz-show champ. Now I'm gay.

JULIANNE MOORE (to a pharmacist)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
We're getting a bit nervous here...two hours have passed and we don't know what the hell is going on.

(The cast sings a song. Some smart kid pisses his pants. Then it begins to rain frogs.)

FROGS
Rib-splat.

(Jason Robards dies and Tom Cruise cries. We don't care. The three hour mark is reached.)

OTHER CAST MEMBERS (to anyone)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(Some characters are now less miserable than they were at the start of the film. The audience, however, is more miserable.)

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
That sucked.

P. T. ANDERSON GROUPIES
You're uncultured and don't appreciate real art.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
Fine, then sum up what this movie was about in one sentence.

(Silence.)

FROG
Rib-it.

THE END

American Beauty

2005-10-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Sam Mendes
Starring: Kevin Spacey as Depressed Husband, Annette Benning as Depressed Wife, and Others as Depressed Supporting Cast
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KEVIN SPACEY
I'm a lonely suburbanite having a midlife crisis.

ANNETTE BENNING
Me too.

KEVIN SPACEY
Yes, but we can't relate with each other.

ANNETTE BENNING
No.

THORA BIRCH
I'm their depressed daughter. I also have big boobs, see?
(shows us)

HOT SKANK
I'm the school slut.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTOR
I videotape young girls undressing.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
I'm the creepy kid's father. I hate gays/Jews/blacks—that about covers it. Heil!

PETER GALLAGHER
I'm some guy.

ALL CHARACTERS
Watch us all interact.

(They do. It is touching.)

HOT SKANK
Turns out I'm really a virgin.

THORA BIRCH & FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER
Turns out we're in love.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm a basketcase.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER'S NAZI FATHER
Turns out I'm a closet queer.

KEVIN SPACEY
Turns out I'm dead.

PETER GALLAGHER
Turns out I'm still some guy.

(Six months later.)

KEVIN SPACEY, SAM MENDES & ALAN BALL
Turns out we're Oscar winners.

ANNETTE BENNING
Turns out I'm not.

THE END

Pet Sematary

2005-10-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

Starring: Stupid Doctor, Ugly Wife, Herman Munster, and Winston Churchill as the Evil Cat
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS CREED
I'm a successful doctor with new house and a loving family. My life is perfect.

(The family cat, Winston Churchill, ventures into the road and gets run over by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Damn that brazen cat. We shoulda named him Neville Chamberlain; then he would have spent his afternoons cowering behind the dresser. Now I'll have to tell my daughter that her favorite family member is dead...

HERMAN MUNSTER
Not so fast. You seem like a nice enough guy. Let me give you the down lo'...there's a special Indian burial ground by a pet cemetary where the dead come back to life.

(They both bury "Church" in the burial ground, who subsequently comes back to life.)

HERMAN MUNSTER
By the way, that burial ground is cursed. Everything it brings back is evil. So never bury anything in that place.

LOUIS CREED
Umm...thanks?

(The days pass. Everything seems back to normal, except the cat is EVIL. Then Louis's son wonders into the street and it struck by an 18-wheeler.)

LOUIS CREED
Obviously, I'm a terrible father.

LOUIS'S WIFE
It's okay, Louis, I forgive you. Remember my freaky bedridden sister Zelda? I killed that bitch good.

LOUIS CREED
And how!

(Time passes.)

LOUIS CREED
I'm depressed. If only there was a way to make everything normal again... Herman Munster and the ghost of that guy who got his head split open are telling me not to use the pet cemetary, but how bad could it be? I mean, the cat's the same, except he smells like ass and is EVIL.

(He buries his son in the pet cemetary. His son comes back to life, is EVIL and starts killing everyone, including his wife.)

LOUIS CREED
Okay, I admit in hindsight, that was probably not the best move.
(injects his evil son with poison, killing him...again)
There, that's better. Now if only there were a way to bring my wife back to life... Hmm...

(He buries his wife in the pet cemetary. She becomes EVIL and kills him.)

AUDIENCE
And we're supposed to believe this guy passed med school?

THE END

The Sixth Sense

2005-10-14T22:17:00.000-04:00

Directed by: M. Night Sha-na-na

Starring: Dr. Bruce Willis, Sad Yet Cute Kid, artsy cinematography, ghosts, and THE COLOR RED
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sad Yet Cute Kid is Dr. Bruce's patient.)

DR. BRUCE
Now, Cole, I want you to know that I'm here to help, not to judge you. You should feel free to tell me your troubles uninhibited, and I will listen with an open mind.

SAD YET CUTE KID
I see dead people.

DR. BRUCE
Whoa, you're a fuckin' fruit loop! Good luck with all that.
(reconsiders)

On the other hand, since you seem to be the only person in the past five months who's given me the time of day, I guess I'll stick around.

(Sad Yet Cute Kid begins telling Dr. Bruce his troubles.)

SAD YET CUTE KID
...and last night I was visited by the ghost of that girl from "The O.C." She was in a nightgown.

DR. BRUCE
Hot damn. That's my kind of fantasy. Sha-wing!

SAD YET CUTE KID
She was twelve years old.

DR. BRUCE
You're one sick mofo, Cole.

(Dr. Bruce and Sad Yet Cute Kid board the Mystery Machine and drive around town solving all the spooky mysteries. We see RED, RED, RED, RED, RED, and RED. Now the Sad Yet Cute Kid is not as sad.)

DR. BRUCE
Hmm, I discovered a new field...ghost psychology. I just doubled my patient-base. Now I'll go home to my peculiarly distant wife.

SAD YET CUTE KID
There's something I've been meaning to tell you...

DR. BRUCE
No need to thank me, Cole. All in a day's work. Say hi to your mom for me.

SAD YET CUTE KID
Actually, I was refering to the fact that you're dead.

DR. BRUCE
Huh?

SAD YET CUTE KID
My mom doesn't know who you are, much less that I've been coming to see you.

DR. BRUCE
Well, that explains why you've been paying me in Monopoly money. And also why there's this big, gaping bullet hole in my chest. But...why did you wait ten months to fill me in?

SAD YET CUTE KID
Meh, the subject never came up.

M. NIGHT SHAMAN
RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!

THE END

Predator

2005-10-12T23:22:00.000-04:00

Starring: Governor Ahhnold Schwarzenegger, Governor Jesse Ventura, Apollo Creed, and some chick
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER
Come, commandos! We must rescue dee kidnapped hostages deep within da jungle of dis Latin American country!

(They attempt to do so. A huge battle breaks out. The commandos kill all the bad guys and burn a village to the ground.)

GOVERNOR VENTURA
No! The hostages have died by the hands of the terrorists!

APOLLO CREED
Either that or by the grenade I tossed in the hut they were cowering in.

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Either way, our mission is ovah. Let us return to da baaaase.

(The commandos make their way back through the jungle. They are picked off one by one.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Whaaat? We are still being shot. How is dees possible?

APOLLO CREED
Look up in that tree...it's an alien with a gun!
(gets shot)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dee alien will follow us back to town. We must close the border!

GOV. VENTURA
And deal with the political fallout? Are you crazy?!

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Dees is an alien terrorist! Dees alien is breaking the law! We must stop dee illegal alien!

GOV. VENTURA
Not all aliens are terrorists. He's only following us to escape his present dismal environment and start his life anew in a land of prosperity. I say we pursue a policy of appeasment.
(gets shot by the alien)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
No more girly men. Now we do eet my way.

(He covers himself in mud and ambushes the alien, wrestling him to the ground. The alien turns into a suicide bomber and blows himself up. Gov. Schwarzenegger escapes just in time.)

GOV. SCHWARZENEGGER
Through my minutemahn policy I have eeensured the safety of dis country.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL, THE ACLU, AND BARBARA BOXER
Boooooo!

(The sequel begins. Now the illegal alien is inhabiting Los Angeles.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I didn't know this was going to be a documentary.

THE END

Cliffhanger

2005-09-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

Starring: Bad Guys 1-9, Rocky, Rocky's Friends Past and Present, Bill & Ted, and Serious John Lithgow
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bad Guys 1 and 2 are on a U.S. Treasury jet flying above the Rocky Mountains.)

BAD GUY 1
Woohoo, we just hijacked a treasury jet! We're millionaires!

BAD GUY 2
And look, our Bad Guy Partners are flying in the plane next to us. Should we signal them to land, so we can transfer the money safely?

BAD GUY 1
No, let's do a midair exhange between the planes via zip line.

(They attempt to do so. Bad Guy 2 and all the suitcases of money FALL.)

BAD GUY 1
Oops.

(The Bad Guys CRASH their plane into a mountain, but they are OK.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Rocky, Rocky's Friend, Rocky's Chick, and Nice Old Guy are hanging out in a Mountain Ranger Station.)

ROCKY (to his friend)
I've been depressed ever since I dropped your girlfriend off that mountain.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Good. I hate you.

NICE OLD GUY
Can't we all just get along?

VOICE ON RADIO
Help, save us!

ROCKY'S CHICK
Someone's in trouble...

ROCKY'S FRIEND
You know what that means...

ROCKY
Time for the Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers!

(Mighty Rocky Mountain Rangers theme song plays. The Rangers get changed into their gear and show up at the crash site.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (holding a gun)
Thanks for coming, suckers. We need you to help us Bad Guys find our stolen money we have packed in black Samsonite briefcases.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Hey, it's John Lithgow! You make me laugh.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Fine, but this time I'm serious. In fact the only thing humorous about my performance in this movie is that I am trying to act serious.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Haha!

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Shut up, I'm being serious here.

ROCKY'S FRIEND
Heeheehee!

(Serious John Lithgow shoots Nice Old Man.)

ROCKY'S FRIEND
I'll be quiet.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, which one of you is going to climb this mountain and find our money?

ROCKY
Uh, I'll do it.

BAD GUY 3
Mmm...I was hoping you'd say that. First, take off your jacket.

ROCKY
Huh, why?

BAD GUY 3
Ooooh, cause you've got big strong arms...oh baby, you so bad!

(Rocky goes to find the money, but he really is TRICKING THEM. Serious John Lithgow yells and raises a clenched fist to show he is serious. Meanwhile Rocky's Friend stays with the bad guys and ends up killing them all one by one, including British Football coughsoccercough Bad Guy. Bill & Ted also show up and they die too.)

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW (in a helicopter)
What am I supposed to be doing again...? Oh, that's right, getting the money. So, did you find it yet?

ROCKY
Yeah, here it is.

SERIOUS JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, toss it here. Just, um, be careful you don't drop it or anything cause that would be a bitch to find, and frankly we don't have another two hours to kill.

(Rocky tosses the suitcase in the helicopter's blades and the money gets all chopped up into confetti. Serious John Lithgow dies and Rocky and Rocky's Friend become friends again. Also, Rocky screws the girl.)

ROCKY
Grunt.

THE END

Cast Away

2005-09-16T14:24:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Tom Hanks as FedEx Nazi, Helen Hunt as Grieving Slutty Girlfriend, Christopher Noth as Mr. Big, DMD, and Wilson the Talking Volleyball as Himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Tom Hanks addresses his FedEx employees with a "motivational" speech.)

TOM HANKS

All right, assholes. How long did it take you to deliver that package to Beijing?

ASSHOLE ONE
Uh, 22 hours.

TOM HANKS
22 hours?! What the fuck?! I could chicken dance to China faster than that! Get out of my sight! *Sigh.* Does no one understand me?

HELEN HUNT
I understand you.

TOM HANKS
We're in love. Here's a ring.

HELEN HUNT
Here's a locket.

TOM HANKS
I have to fly through a hurricane now.

HELEN HUNT
Okay.

(Tom Hanks rides in a FedEx plane, which crashes in the ocean after encountering the hurricane.)

TOM HANKS (bobbing in the water)
Gulp. Gulp. Choke. Slurp.
(makes it to shore)
Finally, back to civilization!
(realizes he's on a deserted island)
Aw, crap.

(He sits around for awhile.)

TOM HANKS
I'm hungry. I'll eat a coconut. First to get my knife...oh wait, that's right, I don't have one. No problem, I'll just build a fire and melt the coconut into a mushy broth. Where'd I put my matches? Oh that's right, I'm stranded on a deserted island without any possessions.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
See, everybody! This scene demonstrates that adjusting to life outside our commercialized, automated world is hard.

(The tide pulls some FedEx boxes salvaged from the wrecked plane to shore. Tom Hanks opens one and discovers...)

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Hello, old sport. Let's say you and I be chums.

TOM HANKS
Sure.

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball frolic and play together. They become the best of friends. But then one day Tom Hanks gets sad.)

TOM HANKS
I miss my sensible yet slutty girlfriend. But I'm stuck here with a boat that won't sail. I wish there was another way I could get off this island. If only there was an active volcano nearby...

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Why don't you try putting a sail on your boat?

TOM HANKS
Sail on my boat? Sail...boat. Sailboat! Of course. Wilson, you're a genius!

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL (puffing on his pipe)
Just trying to earn my keep, old sport.

(Now realizing that boats need power to move, Tom Hanks attaches a makeshift sail to his boat.)

TOM HANKS
All aboard!

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball sail the Pacific. But with no food and water, they soon become crazy. Tom Hanks begins singing an endless barrage of sea chanties. Wilson the Talking Volleyball, unable to cope, commits suicide by jumping overboard.)

TOM HANKS
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Five minutes later...)

TOM HANKS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ten minutes later he is rescued by a passing tanker. They take him back to civilization, where Tom Hanks delivers the only salvageable package from the plane crash. FexEx names him Employee of the Month.)

FEDEX PRESIDENT
Congratulations. Here's a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. *Cough*youreallyneedashower*cough*

TOM HANKS
Not so fast. See that plane crashed on company time, so technically I've been on the clock ever since. Now it took me four years working nonstop to deliver that package. According to my calculations, you owe me $6,831,000.02 in overtime.

(Tom Hanks is fired.)

TOM HANKS
Oh well, at least I still have my girlfriend.

MR. BIG
Haha, nope. I stole her from you.

TOM HANKS
Well, I'll just win her back.

MR. BIG
I'm Mr. Big. You can't win.

(He's right.)

HELEN HUNT (to Tom Hanks)
I still love you, but you're out and Big's in. Too bad your plane had to crash. Otherwise you and I would be doing the horizontal tango every night, sometimes twice.

(Tom Hanks becomes depressed and insane, joining the ranks of all other former mail carriers.)

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Okay everyone, what lesson did this movie teach us?

AUDIENCE
Always ship UPS.

THE END

War of the Worlds

2005-09-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: A "heterosexual" Tom Cruise, the aliens from Independence Day, and scenes from other sci-fi movies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Before the premier, Tom Cruise speaks to reporters.)

TOM CRUISE
Lately there’s been some speculation as to my, eh, sexual alignment. Let me state it plainly: all rumors that I live an alternative lifestyle are false. As a testament to this, allow me to introduce you to my new wife, the sizzling hot actress Katie Holmes. Additionally, in tonight’s movie I'll be playing a burly construction worker who scratches his balls a lot.

REPORTER
Wasn’t one of the Village People a construction worker?

TOM CRUISE
This press conference is over!

(The movie begins.)

TOM CRUISE
Hey, that was some weird lightening storm that just happened, eh kids?

PUNK SON
I hate you.

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

TOM CRUISE
I’m going to see what’s going on.

(He follows the rest of the neighborhood down the street. They arrive at a hole. Suddenly, the ground shakes and a huge alien ship on stilts emerges. The neighborhood watches in awe. The alien ship on stilts passes gas and defecates on the street.)

AUDIENCE
Was that really necessary?

(Suddenly, the alien ship starts shooting lasers that turn people into Cinnamon Toast Crunch.)

TOM CRUISE (runs home)
Kids, we gotta jet!

(They all hop into the car. Tom Cruise starts to back out of the driveway.)

TOM CRUISE
How’s your side look, son?

PUNK SON
It's clear.

TOM CRUISE
What about your way, Dakota?

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(Tom Cruise begins to drive down the street.)

TOM CRUISE
It’s Boston or bust, so every other car better get outta my way!

PUNK SON
Looks like they already did, Dad.

TOM CRUISE
How convenient.

(Tom Cruise and kids tour the countryside, surviving an unruly mob, a ferry disaster, and a plane crash.)

PUNK SON
These aliens piss me off. I’m gonna join the army.

TOM CRUISE
You can’t do that.

PUNK SON
Watch me.

(He joins the army. Five seconds later the army gets blown up.)

TOM CRUISE
Damn… I hope I qualify for his veterans benefits.

(An alien foghorn is heard in the distance.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
Here, you can hide out in my cellar.

(They do.)

TOM CRUISE
Now what are we going to do?

ANDY DUFRESNE
Nothing. The aliens are destined to lose. Occupations always fail…except Japan and Germany after WWII.

(An alien anaconda slinks into the cellar.)

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(They all hide. Cut to the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park. The alien anaconda leaves and the aliens from Independence Day show up.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
My God…look at that bad CGI.

TOM CRUISE
You’re too loud.
(kills him)

(The aliens leave. Cut to the rest of Independence Day: Tom Cruise penetrates the alien ship, blows it up from inside, and the aliens all catch a virus and die.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, Steven Spielberg surprised me. He actually had the guts to kill the son.

(Punk Son shows up.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(End credits.)

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
Wait, wait, wait…I’m confused. When did the aliens bury those big ships beneath the ground?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh, it was before mankind had evolved.

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
So why didn’t the aliens take over the world then?

(Silence.)

H.G. WELLS (shows up)
Hey.

TOM CRUISE
H.G. Wells! What are you doing here?

H.G. WELLS
Well, I’ve been rolling around in my grave for the past two hours but no one was paying attention, so I thought I’d come up here and smack you all in person.

THE END

Chicago

2005-09-04T23:35:00.001-04:00

Starring: Bridget Jones, Richard Gere, Queen Latifah, and Catherine Zeta Jones looking sexy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(We see Bridget Jones shoot her boyfriend. Then she begins to sing and dance.)

GUYS IN AUDIENCE
What the hell?

QUEEN LATIFAH
I'm big, black and bad.

(Richard Gere shows up, "singing".)

RICHARD GERE
"I don't care about expensive things..."

(Immediately half the audience gets up to leave.)

LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER STILL SITTING
Wait, look! It’s Catherine Zeta Jones in black leather!

(The audience returns to their seats. Some more songs are performed. More importantly, Catherine Zeta Jones remains clad in black leather.)

FEMINISTS IN AUDIENCE
That movie rocked.

GUYS IN AUDIENCE (fantasizing about Catherine Zeta Jones)
Oh yeah.

(Three months later, the Academy Judges meet in an undisclosed location.)

ACADEMY JUDGE 1
Let’s see…last year we placated the African American lobby and Schizophrenics of America. Which group should we appease this year?

ACADEMY JUDGE 2
How about the Militant Feminists?

OTHER ACADAMY JUDGES
Works for us.

(Chicago wins Best Picture for 2002.)

THE END

Deep Blue Sea

2005-09-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

Starring: Stock Characters, Smart Sharks, and Samuel L. Jackson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Stock Characters are chilling in an undersea laboratory/aquarium thingie.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Look at these sharks we’ve been experimenting with. They’re all smart now.

STOCK FOREIGN GUY WHO DIES EARLY ON
Cool.
(A shark bites his arm off.)
Ahhhhhhh!!!

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Quick, airlift him outta here.

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
But…there’s a hurricane going on up there!

(They airlift him anyway. The helicopter crashes and Smart Sharks fling him through the underwater laboratory’s window.)

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
Oh no, the laboratory’s integrity has been breached! The sharks will be here soon!

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Why are them sharks actin’ all pissed, yo?

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Perhaps it’s because we’ve been forcing them to watch Richard Simmons's “Sweating with the Oldies: Vol. 3” on endless loop.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Don’t worry, I know a way out!

STOCK CHARACTERS
Samuel L. Jackson??!!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s right. I’m here to save the day. Now listen very carefully: all you have to do is—
(gets eaten by a shark)

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
That’s it?? He was only on screen for ten seconds!

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
What’s even more amazing is that for those ten seconds he was paid three times the rest of our saleries combined.

(The sharks swim closer.)

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Okay, enough. Let’s figure out who’s going to live and who’s going to die. Nervous Guy and Not As Hot Female, you’re definitely going to die.

(They both get eaten by sharks.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
What about me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Hmm…that’s a tough one. On one hand, you’re extremely hot—so you should live. On the other, you’re the reason we’re all in this jam. Plus, you and I don’t seem to have much chemistry. So you’ll probably die too.

(She gets eaten by sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
What ‘bout me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Are you kidding? The funny black guy never dies. You’re as certain to survive as I am.

(He’s right. Also, they kill the Smart Sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Okay, now what?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
You’re really new to this stock action movie gig, aren’t ya? We just hold on to this floating debris until the camera pans away.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
That’s it?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
No, also say a funny final line.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
How about, "I read a review that said this movie was scarier than Jaws."

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
That’s more disturbing than funny.

THE END

The Phantom of the Opera

2005-08-28T00:28:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Actors singing in their own voices and Minnie Driver
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fade up on the Paris Opera House in the 19th century.)

CHRISTINE
"In sleep he sang to me; in dreams he came."

MPAA RATINGS BOARD
We've heard enough. Bump this one up to PG-13.

CHRISTINE'S FRIEND WITH HUGE KNOCKERS
Christine, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

PHANTOM (masked)
Hello.

CHRISTINE
Oh! Who are you? My dead father?

PHANTOM
What the hell? I'm the guy who's been giving you voice lessons for the past five years.

CHRISTINE
Oh yeah...

PHANTOM
Come with me, my Angel of Music.

(He leads her to his super secret basement hideout. There are mysterious waterways, lots of burning candles, and at one point they ride Mr. Ed.)

PHANTOM (to Christine)
Look what I made.

(He shows her his lifesize sculpture of her. She faints. Fade out. Next thing we see, she wakes up in his bed sans stockings and with her hair all messed up.)

CHRISTINE
Oh my! What did you do to me while I was asleep?

PHANTOM (lounging in his robe, smoking a cigarette)
Nothing, babe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Raoul approaches Two Queer Opera Managers.)

RAOUL
Where is Christine?

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS
Don't ask us. We're only the comic relief.

RAOUL
I must find her. I just realized I'm in love.

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS (gazing longlingly into each other's eyes)
*Sigh*...so have we.

SCARY CHOREOGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Mademoselle Christine has returned.

RAOUL
You know, you really stand out.

SCARY CHOROGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Is it zee way I dress in all black?

RAOUL
That and the fact you're the only one of us to speak in a French accent.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(That night. Christine is performing in the opera. Raoul and Two Queer Managers are watching. Suddenly, Phantom gets mad and hangs some dude from the balcony.)

EVERYONE
Ahhhhh!!!!

(Christine runs outside; Raoul is at her heels.)

CHRISTINE
OMG, he's going to come after me next!

RAOUL
Who?

CHRISTINE
The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
Christine, there is no Phantom of the Opera.

CHRISTINE
Huh? Who do you think just killed that fat guy?

RAOUL
Probably some psychotic loner living amongst the shadows of the theater.

CHRISTINE
Exactly! The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
I'm not following.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Phantom gets mad and challenges Raoul to a duel. Raoul kicks his ass and is about to kill him.)

CHRISTINE
Raoul, don't!

(Raoul lets him live and runs off with Christine.)

PHANTOM
They let me live... For that, they shall pay with their lives!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TWO QUEER MANAGERS
Hey Christine, the Phantom just gave us this new opera he wrote. He wants you to play the lead. Here's the script. We open in two hours.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Christine is performing in the new opera. Suddenly Phantom walks on stage and begins to seduce her.)

RAOUL (from his box in the audience)
It's the Phantom!

FRENCH COPS
Let's get him!

RAOUL (watching Phantom and Christine making mental love to each other)
Wait! This is kind of turning me on.

(Phantom is about to kiss Christine when she unmasks him.)

OPERA AUDIENCE (in horror)
Dear God! He has a bad sunburn!

PHANTOM (in agony)
The bottle said SPF 15! THE BOTTLE SAID SPF 15!!!!

(He kidnaps Christine and takes her to to his super secret hideout a.k.a. the basement.)

PHANTOM
You'll stay here with me forever! No one will ever find you!

RAOUL (shows up)
Christine!

PHANTOM
Ah, shit.

CHRISTINE
Raoul!

PHANTOM
All right, I get it. You two are in love. Fine, scram.

(Christine kisses him deeply and passionately.)

PHANTOM
Oh my... Does this mean you've loved me all along??

CHRISTINE
No, I'm just a tease.
(leaves with Raoul)

PHANTOM
*Sigh*...I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Ed.

MR. ED (in despair)
Willlllllburrrrr!!!

THE END

The Omen

2005-08-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Oscar Winner Gregory Peck, Oscar Nominee Lee Remick, and the Infamous No-Named Horror Movie Supporting Cast
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cue: Scary music with demonic Latin chanting. Half the audience pisses their collective pants.)

SCARY DOCTOR
Your wife just had a miscarriage but she doesn't know it yet. If you'd like, we can offer a replacement and she'll never know the difference.

GREGORY PECK
Okay, give me that half-human, half-jackal baby you've got brooding in the corner.

SCARY DOCTOR
As you wish.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Three years have passed.)

LEE REMICK
Honey, have you noticed anything strange about our son Damien lately?

GREGORY PECK
Whatever do you mean?

LEE REMICK
Well, for instance, last week I took him to that drive-through zoo and all the baboons tried to eat him.

GREGORY PECK
Hmm...

LEE REMICK
And then, when we took him to church on Sunday he screamed like Dakota Fanning caught in a blender.

GREGORY PECK
Yes...

LEE REMICK
And on his birthday party, his nanny committed suicide in his name.

EVIL MARY POPPINS (arrives)
Speaking of which, hello!

GREGORY PECK
Who are you?

EVIL MARY POPPINS
I'm the new nanny.

GREGORY PECK
That's funny, we didn't advertise for a new nanny.

EVIL MARY POPPINS
No, you didn't.

GREGORY PECK
Well, welcome aboard!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Gregory Peck is in his office.)

SECRETARY (on the intercom)
Sir, Raving Priest is here to see you.

GREGORY PECK

Send him in.

RAVING PRIEST (entering)
There's something wrong with your son!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, not you too...

RAVING PRIEST
He's the Antichrist!

GREGORY PECK
That's fascinating. Say, Father, why don't you take a nice long walk to clear your head.

(Raving Priest does so and is impaled by a lightening rod.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Look at these pictures I took of the people around your son who have died recently! The pictures all predict their deaths!

GREGORY PECK
I can't believe this...

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
What, that your son is the Antichrist?

GREGORY PECK
No, that I'm an Oscar Winner presently acting alongside the guy whose biggest claim to fame will be playing the Scientist in Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles II.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
True, but fortunately mine wasn't the career most damaged by that particular movie.

VANILLA ICE (flipping burgers)
Not cool, man. Not cool.

GREGORY PECK
Well, I guess I better go to Italy and see what Reclusive Religious Guy has to say.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
I'll come too.

GREGORY PECK
Why?

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Hey, I won't be chasing Princess Di's limo for twenty years. I need to pass the time somehow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(They go to Italy and learn Damien is the Antichrist.)

GREGORY PECK
Now that Reclusive Religious Guy has said it, it must be true!

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
We need to kill your son! Wait...let me pick up this knife I dropped by this massive sliding plate of glass.
(gets decapitated)

GREGORY PECK
Well, there goes my lunch.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Gregory Peck travels back home, where he learns Evil Mary Poppins has thrown his ailing wife out her hospital window to her death.)

GREGORY PECK
So much for a spoonful of sugar...

EVIL MARY POPPINS (charging him)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Gregory Peck showcases his manly strength by beating the shit out her.)

GREGORY PECK
Now to kill my son.

(He takes Damien to the church and prepares to stab him.)

COPS
Freeeeeze, punk!!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, officers I'll be with you in just a second. First I have to make pulled pork out of my demon child.

(The cops riddle him with bullets.)

DAMIEN
Thank you, officers. I will demonstrate my gratitude by saving your souls from eternal hellfire...for at least three months.

COPS
Aww, he's so cute.

THE END

Good Will Hunting

2005-08-19T13:56:00.000-04:00

Starring: 2 Afflecks, 2 pricks, and Robin Williams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROFESSOR SWEDE
You're smart. Why are you a janitor?

MATT DAMON
Because I'm also a bad boy, motherfucker.

PROFESSOR SWEDE
I detect you have emotional problems. Go see friendly therapist, Robin Williams.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
Hello, Will.

MATT DAMON
I hate you, you stupid fucking quack.

DR. ROBIN WILLIAMS
My wife farted in bed.

MATT DAMON
I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Matt Damon is at a bar with preppy college students and Minnie Driver.)

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
Blah blah blah Karl Marx blah blah blah Jean Paul Sartre blah blah blah Thomas Hobbes...

(Minnie Driver is not impressed. Matt Damon begins to talk like the Architect in The Matrix. Now Minnie Driver is impressed.)

MATT DAMON (to Preppy College Student)
I got her number. How do you like them apples?

PREPPY COLLEGE STUDENT
She looks like a man. How do you like them apples?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MINNIE DRIVER
Will, I love you.

MATT DAMON
And I hate you.

(Minnie Driver leaves.)

MATT DAMON
Was it something I said?

THE END

Twister

2005-08-12T14:15:00.000-04:00

Starring: Hillbilly Tornado Chasers, Hillbilly Scientists, Pepsi can shards, special FX, some British guy trying to sound like a hillbilly, and other disturbing things
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz are in civilization.)

JAMI GERTZ
We're so in love. We should get married right away.

BILL PAXTON
Okay... D'oh! I just remembered I'm still married to my ex-wife, the hillbilly tornado chaser.

JAMI GERTZ
Oh well. I guess we could just move to Utah.

BILL PAXTON
No, it's not a problem. She just has to sign the final divorce papers. Say, let's take a week off work to drive down and watch her sign them in person. I'm sure that won't be awkward.

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz arrive in Hillbilly Country.)

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 1
Yeee-haw! We chase tarnados!

HELEN HUNT
Hi, Bill. Here're the papers you want. I just have to sign my name to them to make the divorce official. Anyone have a pen? Okay, here's an "H"... And now an "E"...

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 2
Pack up yar saddles, ladies! My Chevy's satellite imaging's telling me we got a big'un comin'!

AUDIENCE
You'd think if he has a satellite imager, he could afford to buy some teeth.

(The Hillbillys, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, and Jami Gertz all drive into the tornado.)

JAMI GERTZ (to Bill Paxton)
What are we still doing here? This tornado hasn't rekindled the love between you and your ex-wife, has it?

BILL PAXTON
Er...hey look, a flying cow!

HILLBILLY COW
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YER ASS I'M COMIN' THRU! YEEEEEE-HAW!
(flies by)

HELEN HUNT
Look over there! It's Evil Tornado Scientist Guy!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
Muhahahahahahahaha!!!! I've stolen the idea for your Tornado Predictor Thingofmajig and will use it to profit from science!

EVERYONE ELSE
Noooooooooooo!!!

JAMI GERTZ
You do realize that your "Tornado Predictor" machine is nothing more than an oversized trashcan filled with miniature snow-globes, right?

(Pause)

HELEN HUNT AND BILL PAXTON
Yeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!!!

(Repeat three times with different tornados.)

JAMI GERTZ
That's it, I'm outta here.
(leaves)

(Repeat two more times.)

BILL PAXTON
Oh no, look! It's the biggest, baddest tornado of them all!

BAD TORNADO
Whooooooooooooooooooshhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
I saw it first! I'm gonna capture it, cage it up in my basement, and charge ten bucks a head to see it! Hahahahahaha, later, suckers!
(dies)

BILL PAXTON
Quick, we need to make peace with the tornado. Put the trashca—I mean, Tornado Predictor in it's path and let's see what happens.

(They do, but they almost die.)

HELEN HUNT
Did it work?

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 3
All I kin see are them Pepsi cans we put in thar flyin' 'bout.

HELEN HUNT
That means it's working!

BILL PAXTON, HELEN HUNT, AND THE HILLBILLIES
Hoooooray!!!!

PEPSI CEO STEVEN S. REINEMUND
Hoooooray!!!!

BILL PAXTON
Phew...well, that was fun, huh? All right, time to go back to civilization with my fiancee—hey, where is she?

HELEN HUNT
She cursed your name and took off like two days ago.

BILL PAXTON
Hmm...that might put a damper on our wedding. Oh well, guess I'll just stay here.

HELEN HUNT
Glad to have ya back, cowboy.

EVERYONE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!

(They all go home and vote Republican.)

THE END

Speed

2005-08-07T14:06:00.000-04:00

Staring: Big Bus, Big Bomb, and Big Explosion
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

POLICE CAPTAIN
Chief, I have some bad news. A madman's placed a bomb on a moving bus, and it'll explode if the bus slows below 50 mph.

POLICE CHIEF
My God! Quick, call in the Justice Department, FBI, FEMA—

POLICE CAPTAIN
No need, Chief. I put my two best cops on the case: Ted from Bill and Ted and Harry from Dumb and Dumber.

POLICE CHIEF
We're fucked.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Ted boards a moving bus.)

TED (to the passengers)
Attention, everyone, I'm a cop. Now, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a bomb on this bus.

DIVERSE GROUP OF MULTIETHNIC PASSENGERS (very alarmed)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

TED
Okay, who here is playing the comic relief/love interest?

SANDRA BULLOCK (from the back)
Me.

TED
You're sitting too far away. I can't oggle your body from back there. Here, come up front and drive the bus.

BUS DRIVER
Excuse me...are you sure? I mean, I've been trained to handle a vehicle of this size and—

TED
You go shush now!

(Bus Driver gets shot, and Sandra Bullock takes his place.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
I should warn you, I don't have a license.

TED
Yes, but on the plus side, you have boobs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HARRY
I'm going to arrest the bomber now.

POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay.

(Harry and various cops arrive at the bomber's house.)

RANDOM COP
Wait! We probably shouldn't go inside. See that flashing red light connected to that metal box with wires sticking out of it?

HARRY
Yeah?

RANDOM COP
Might be a bomb.

HARRY
Shut up, rookie. Besides, a blinking red light on a bomb would mean it hasn't been set yet. You know, like a VCR.

RANDOM COP
Uh, are you sure?

HARRY
Positive.
(goes inside)

(BOOM.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SANDRA BULLOCK
So, are you going to help us off the bus?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
Well, are you going to diffuse the bomb?

TED
Can't. It'll blow.

SANDRA BULLOCK
So what should we do?

TED
Um...drive faster.

SANDRA BULLOCK
That's it?!

TED
No. Also drive over that unfinished bridge up ahead.

(They do. It is cool.)

SANDRA BULLOCK
Wow, we made it! You'd think all that raucus would have set off the bomb.

TED
Yeah, you'd think.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

POLICE CAPTAIN
Okay, we were able to trick the mad bomber and get everyone safely off the bus, but now he's kidnapped Sandra Bullock and escaped into the subway.

TED
I'll save her!

(He goes into the subway and sees the mad bomber.)

MAD BOMBER
Hahaha, you can't beat me! You're just one cop!

TED
Ah, but I'm playing the same cop I played in Point Break, where I kicked some serious ass.

MAD BOMBER
Noooooooooooo!!!
(gets beheaded)

SANDRA BULLOCK (to Ted)
My hero!
(They kiss.)
I had such a great time. Are you ready for the sequel?

TED
Um...yeah, I just...have to get something from my car.

(He runs off and we hear the fleeing squeal of tires.)

THE END

Minority Report

2005-08-06T18:06:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Hollywood Hunk Tom Cruise, Hollywood Hunk Colin Farrell, Hollywood Hunk Max von Sydow
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOM CRUISE
Look how great our Crime ESP is. We police catch killers before they kill.

COLIN FARRELL
But what if one of your predicitions is wrong?

TOM CRUISE
Haha, that notion is too ridiculous to ponder.

(The Murder Psychics predict wrong and name Tom Cruise as the next killer. Now all the police hate him.)

TOM CRUISE
Oh no! I better hide out at Murder Psychics' Mother's house.
(does)

UGLY OLD WOMAN
Hey baby, gimme a smootch.
(sloppily frenches him)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)

Good God.

POLICE WHO NOW HATE TOM CRUISE
There he is! Get him!

TOM CRUISE
Oh no, I'm going to be caught! What should I do?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
We're about to lose the male 11-15 crowd. Do cool action movie stunts.

(Tom Cruise becomes the Rocketeer and dances around with a jetpack.)

MALES 11-15
Yay!!

TOM CRUISE
Now I must solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
First, I must cut out your eyes.
(does)

TOM CRUISE
Okay. Now I can finally solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
Wait! Drink this milk.

(Tom Cruise drinks green milk and swallows enough mold to make penicillan for a small town.)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)
Good God.

TOM CRUISE
Now can I pleeeease solve the mystery??

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No! Hide from these robotic tarantalas.

(He does.)

TOM CRUISE
This sucks. I'm outta here.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Okay, solve the mystery.

TOM CRUISE (does)
Aha, so it was Old Murder Psychic Guy all along!

AUDIENCE
Huh? We don't get it.

TOM CRUISE
Let me explain it all to you through an extended and elaborate powerpoint presentation.
(does)

AUDIENCE
Now we see—Old Murder Psychic Guy is bad.

OLD MURDER PSYCHIC GUY
Yep. But I'm not that bad—watch as I vindicate my wrongs by committing suicide.

(He does and he does.)

TOM CRUISE
Wow, we were sure dumb. All right, let all the murderers free!

(They release all the prisoners, who promptly kill half the city.)

THE END

The Crucible

2005-07-24T21:27:00.000-04:00

Starring: 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco, 17th Century Amy Fisher, and Crazy Puritans
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHINY MINISTER (at his unconscious daughter's bedside)
Oh God, how could my niece and daughter have danced in the woods...NAKED?! My career is over!

AUDIENCE
Please...we've seen more nudity on The Disney Channel.

(Whiny Minister leaves. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Amy Fisher enter.)

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Kiss me! Make love to me!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo yo, I know we had our thing, but I'm married. I'm a blue-collar workin' man and gotta stay true to my family from now on.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Gimme a break, Joey. I saw you spyin' on me in the woods.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Look, you got a hot bod and all, but I can't do this to my wife.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
She's standing in the way of our love! I'm gonna mess her up!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You're wacked.

(Whiny Minister, Angry Minister, and Puritans enter.)

ANGRY MINISTER (sees the unconscious girl)
My God, this is the devil's work!

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
That's right! She's been possessed! And I know who the witch is...his wife!
(points to 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo, don't go there!

ANGRY MINISTER
Grrrrr! Let's get her!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Buttafuoco residence...)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Mary Jo, the town's coming after ya because Amy Fisher accused you of witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
What'd I tell ya, Joey? I don't want you hangin' around that girl no more.

(Crazy Puritans show up with torches and pitchforks.)

CRAZY PURITANS
There she is!! Burn her!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Aw, shit.

(The Crazy Puritans take 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco before Mean Old Judge.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, you're wife's been accused of witchcraft. What do you have to say?

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
It's all a sham! That Amy Fisher chick is fucked up.

CRAZY PURITANS
Booooooooo!!

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Sorry, the mob has spoken.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Okay, you want to know the truth? Amy's just jealous 'cause we used to do the horizontal limbo before I finally dumped her. And good riddens. That chick's hot, but she's messed up in the head, yo.

MEAN OLD JUDGE (to 17th Century Amy Fisher)
Is there any truth to this?

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Nope. He's just lying cause he's a witch too.

CRAZY PURITANS
Burn him!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Man, I'm being set up by a Long Island lolita!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Months have passed. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco are in jail.)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Rumor is they're gonna hang me in a couple minutes.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
Aw Joey, I always believed in you.

ANGRY MINISTER
Me too.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You? But you're the guy who had me arrested.

ANGRY MINISTER
Yes, but I've had an unpredictable change of heart.

(Mean Old Judge and Crazy Puritans show up.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, we decided we'll let you live if you publicly confess to witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Fine, fuck it. I'm a witch.

AUDIENCE
Huh? That's not supposed to happen. He's supposed to say he can't live without his name.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Are you kiddin' me? My name's Buttafuoco for Chrissake. I think I can do without it.

THE END

Rosemary's Baby

2005-07-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

Directed by: A bad man who likes little girls
Starring: Mia Farrow, Old People Satanists, and Lucifer (in an uncredited cameo)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROSEMARY
Hi.

NEIGHBOR LADY
Hi.

(Later, Neighbor Lady falls to her death.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! How could this have happened?!

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
No clue. But here, eat this chocolate mousse I made for you. Your husband is in agreement.

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yes.

(Rosemary eats the chocolate mousse and falls unconscious. She has a trippy dream that is rivaled in weirdness only by the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka. Floating heads are laughing all around her, then the devil appears and they screw.)

ROSEMARY (wakes up)
Oh, what a strange dream!
(realizes her back is all clawed up)
Ah! What happened?

SELFISH HUSBAND
I decided to have my way with you while you were unconscious, and you know how I like it rough. Anyway, I have to go to work now. My stalled acting career has mysteriously and abruptly taken off!

ROSEMARY
I might be pregnant.

GOOD DOCTOR
You are.

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE (to Rosemary)
Don't go to him. Here's a better doctor.

EVIL DOCTOR
Hi.

(Evil Doctor prescribes evil things for Rosemary. Wicked Witch of the West Side gives Rosemary evil drinks. Soon, Rosemary has turned into an "anorexic" Paris Hilton and sports a Meg Ryan haircut.)

ROSEMARY'S FRIENDS
You look like Lindsay Lohan after she started doing coke.

NICE OLD MAN
Rosemary, I have to tell you something very important about your neighbors!

ROSEMARY
What is it?

NICE OLD MAN
Oh, I can't tell you now. Come by my place tomorrow when I'm almost certain to be dead.

(She does and he's right.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! I wonder what he wanted to tell me and if it has anything to do with this book he left for me: "New York Witches And The High-Rise Apartments They Live In".
(Thirty agonizing minutes later...)
Oh, my neighbors must be witches!

AUDIENCE
Well, duh.

(Rosemary frolicks around town and then falls unconscious. She wakes up in her bed.)

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
Shhh...everything is all right now. Oh, by the way, you had a miscarriage while you were unconscious.
(A baby cries from the next room.)
Yep. A miscarriage.
(Baby cries again.)
Well, gotta go!

AUDIENCE
Hold on...at some point isn't this movie supposed to get scary?

(Rosemary sneaks into the next room and discovers a meeting of Old People Satanists.)

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Satan!

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yeah, uh, hail Satan!

ROSEMARY
Wait, you're a satanist too?

SELFISH HUSBAND
No, I'm just selfish.

(Rosemary peers into a baby carriage to see her baby for the first time.)

ROSEMARY
AHHHH, what have you done to his eyes?!

HEAD SATANIST
Nothing. He has his father's eyes.

LUCIFER
Yeah, relax babe. I didn't freak out when I saw he's got your nose.

ROSEMARY
Oh my, I'm the mistresss of the devil and mother to the antichrist!

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Yep.

ROSEMARY
So then...shouldn't you all be worshipping me too?

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Rosemary!

LUCIFER
That's my girl.

THE END

Timeline

2005-07-17T11:13:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Some unconvincing grad students, some unconvincing Medieval Europeans, and Bill Gates
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Gates and his attorney are in Microsoft's new product testing lab.)

BILL GATES
We just used our secret time machine to inadvertantly send one of the teachers from "Head of the Class" back to Medieval France. Oops.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Which teacher?

BILL GATES
The Scottish guy no one took seriously.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Should I send the Marines back in time to rescue him?

BILL GATES
No. Let's send Paul Walker and some nameless B-movie actors instead. That way, if the rescue mission fails—which it almost certainly will—the world won't be any worse off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A team of grad students, including Paul Walker and Ethan Embry, arrive at Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES
We need you to use my company's time machine to travel to Medieval France and rescue Billy Connelly.

PAUL WALKER
No problem, man. Which car do I drive?

BILL GATES
Um...

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, you own a time machine?

BILL GATES
That's right. How else do you think we've been able to so accurately predict the market trends for the past two decades? Anyway, we were doing research for our new product, Windows BC: The Prehistoric Edition, and as an unintended consequence discovered this link to medieval Europe. Now—do any of you know how time travel works?

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, I saw Back to the Future.

BILL GATES
Did you understand it?

ETHAN EMBRY
I guess.

BILL GATES
Then you're over-qualified for this mission. You'll stay here. The rest of you, suit up.

(They suit up and are about to enter the time machine.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, I don't speak French!

BILL GATES
Don't worry, we're sending Monsieur Francois along with you to translate.

(The team of grad students and company workers use the Big, Flashy Igloo to travel back in time to Medieval France, where half the team including Monsieur Francois are promptly killed.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Well, that sucks. Now what?

GUY FROM MINORITY REPORT
Look, there's Billy Connelly. Let's rescue him.

(They do.)

BILLY CONNELLY
Hello, my friends.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Hello there.

AUDIENCE
Huh?! More than one Scottish dude in a movie that's not Braveheart? This is outrageous!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at Microsoft...)

BILL GATES
Unfortunately, a grenade blew up the time machine.

ETHAN EMBRY
What?! When did this happen?!

BILL GATES
While you were in the can. Anyway, it looks like the mission is doomed.

ETHAN EMBRY
Wait, can't we use quantum physics to travel to another universe and rescuse them?

BILL GATES
No, you're thinking of the book. We had to dumb down the scientific explanations for the target movie audience, so this busted time machine is all we got.

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, can't we try to fix it?

BILL GATES
I guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in Medieval France...)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hurry, everyone! Pissed Off English Guy and Disgruntled Microsoft Ex-Employee are chasing us!

PAUL WALKER
Don't worry. We can all hop in my 330 GTC and high-tail it out of here.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Um...that's a donkey.

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Grrrrrrr! I'm mad because Bill Gates sent me back in time without a way to get home!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Why'd he do that?

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Remember Windows ME? That was my idea.

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate you Americans!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your hair!

BILLY CONNELLY
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your TV show!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hey, it looks like Microsoft just fixed the time machine! Quick, let's go!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Not me. I'm going to stay here with my new love, Hot Medieval French Chick.

(The rest of the team travel back to Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Welcome back.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Where's Bill Gates?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Hmm? Oh, he travelled back in time. I'm think he's dead now.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wow, a world without Bill Gates? How will we survive without his innovations?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
I'm pretty sure we won't.

PAUL WALKER
That sucks... Can I have his car?

THE END

Psycho

2005-07-14T18:55:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
Starring: A 24-piece string orchestra
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Sigh* I want to marry my boyfriend but we don't have the money.

MALE CHAUVENIST BOSS (to Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe)
Hey Sweetcakes, do papa a solid and deposit this $40K for me.

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Argh...if I have to.
(realizes she could steal the money)
Cool.

(She flees the city with the cash. It gets dark.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Yawn* I'm tired. Hey—I can sleep there.
(parks at Spooky, Desolate Motel)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Welcome! Would you like a room? You'd be the only one here! Well, except for me, of course. And my mother... We live in that eerie, moonlit house on the hill, but you wouldn't want to meet her—she doesn't care much for company. What do you think of my collection of dead animals? Do you like taxidermy? Say, you look exhausted. Why not take a nice, hot shower?

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Well I'm really a bath person myself, but okay.

(She undresses. Handsome Schizophrenic spies on her through a peep-hole in the next room.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Scandolous!

(Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was a Babe is taking a shower. Suddenly, Scary Silhouette pulls back the shower curtain.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Ahhh!

24-PIECE STRING ORCHESTRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Scary Silhouette makes stabbing motions.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Ahhhh!! Chocolate syrup!!!!!!!

(Handsome Schizophrenic discovers the mess.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Oh Mother, will you ever learn?
(cleans up)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Hey, I haven't slept with my girlfriend for awhile. What gives?

HELPLESS SISTER
Well, where is she?

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Ah, therein lies the problem.

HELPLESS SISTER
We better call a detective.

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
I'll hire one with the money I didn't have to get married.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INEPT P.I.
Here I am.

HELPLESS SISTER
You're a detective?

INEPT P.I.
Hey, I look a lot more imposing with my trench coat and hat. I'll find your friend, just watch.

(Inept P.I. follows Jamie Lee Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe's trail to Spooky, Desolate Motel.)

INEPT P.I. (to Handsome Schizophrenic)
You haven't seen a young woman pass through here recently, have you?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Inept P.I. sneaks into the house.)

INEPT P.I.
Hmm, I see a scary, dark cellar...but I think the real evidence is upstairs.
(walks up the stairs)

(Suddenly Scary Silhouette shows up and stabs Inept P.I.)

24-PIECE STRING ORCHETRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Inept P.I. dances backwards down the stairs and dies.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC (shows up)
Mother, again?! My Lord...having been raised by you, I swear sometimes I wonder how I turned out so well-adjusted.
(goes back to the motel office)

HELPLESS SISTER AND SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND (arrive)
Hi, have you seen a detective pass through here recently?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend distracts him while Helpless Sister sneaks into the house.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Hmm, I wonder what's in the cellar...

(Cut to Square-Jawed Boyfriend and Handsome Schizophrenic chatting it up.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Hey, wait! You're just trying to distract me!
(knocks him out)
Mooooooother, here I come!!!

(Cut to Helpless Sister in the cellar. She comes across a skeleton wearing a sweater.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Aw, that's cute... Hey, wait, you're a rotting corpse! Ahhhhhh!!!

(Knife in hand, Handsome Schizophrenic shows up in a dress.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
This is from my RuPaul line.

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend shows up and knocks him out at the last second.)

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Booo-yah!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(An insane asylum. Handsome Schizophrenic is in a straight-jacket. Two doctors watch him from behind glass.)

DOCTOR ONE
So how did he become crazy anyway? Abused as a child?

DOCTOR TWO
No... He found out he's going to be played by Vince Vaughn in the remake.

DOCTOR ONE
Ahhhhhhh!!!

THE END

A Beautiful Mind

2005-07-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Ron Howard
Starring: Russell Crowe (Los Angeles Dept. of Corrections #15779), Jennifer Connelly (bra size 34C/D), and Christopher Plummer (face-lift count: 2)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Russell Crowe is teaching class.)

RUSSELL CROWE
Not only will I eventually win the Nobel Prize, but I'm also the only attractive math professor east of the Mississippi.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Excuse me. There's too much noise from outside to concentrate.

RUSSELL CROWE
Oh well, can't do anything about it.

JENNIFER CONNELLY (to Noisy Construction Workers)
Hey, could you keep it down?

NOISY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Okay.

RUSSELL CROWE
Eh, big deal. If I was a babe with bazookas like yours, everyone would listen to me too. Speaking of bazookas...it's time for my weekly meeting with the Department of Defense.
(goes to the Pentagon)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Decode this.

(He does.)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not bad. Now be on the lookout for secret Commie messages on everyday items.

RUSSELL CROWE
Makes sense to me.

(Old Limey Roommate shows up.)

OLD LIMEY ROOMMATE
Cheerio, Russell! Good to see ya, old chap. Wanna go boozin'?

RUSSELL CROWE
Nah. I gotta scan cereal boxes for Soviet propaganda. Hey...wasn't it weird how everytime in college when we used to go out, no one would ever acknowledge your existence?

RANDOM PASSERBY (to Russell Crowe)
You're speaking to yourself, crazy man.

RUSSELL CROWE
What?
(realizes only he can see Shady Government Guy and Old Limey Roommate)
Oh my God, I see dead people!

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAMADINGDONG
Hold everything! I own the exclusive rights to that. You now owe $450,000 in royalties.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jennifer Connelly and Russell Crowe are married.)

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Take your medicine so you won't be crazy.

RUSSELL CROWE
But my medicine makes Mr. Peepee pooh-pooh out.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
How is it possible that the older Jennifer Connelly grows, the hotter she gets?

RUSSELL CROWE
Hmm, that's an interesting theorem. Makes me think of another one that's been bouncing around in my head...
(creates Super Math Equation)
Wow, now I can win the Nobel Prize.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not so fast. We still have Commies to hunt.

RUSSELL CROWE
But you're not real.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Oh yes I am. I've just been in a Korean death camp these past few months.

RUSSELL CROWE
There's only one way to be sure.
(throws a phone at him; it passes right through and hits a bellhop)
I knew it; I am crazy!

JENNIFER CONNELLY
That's what happens when you don't take your medication.

RUSSELL CROWE
But when I take it, I can't get it up.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
Goddamn. It wouldn't matter if I was taking a slop bucket full of medication...if I was sleeping with Jennifer Connelly, I'd get it up.

THE END

Training Day

2005-07-04T11:44:00.000-04:00

Starring: All the crooked cops in Los Angeles and Ethan Hawke
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENZEL
Pay attention, kid. I'm going to show you how to be a cop in L.A. First lesson: smoke this crack.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...ok.
(does)

DENZEL
Second lesson: extort some dirty money.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...ok.
(does)

DENZEL
Third lesson: shoot this guy and make it look like self-defense.

ETHAN HAWKE
Uh...no.
(does not)

DENZEL
How dare you defy me! You just signed your own death warrant! Just playin', dawg. We're still tight.
(takes out a hit on Ethan Hawke's life)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Later that night, Ethan Hawke interrupts Denzel's booty call.)

DENZEL
Heh, I see you survived my hit squad. Well, you're a dead man now. All the brothas in this neighborhood have my back.

NEIGHBORHOOD BROTHAS
No, we just decided we hate you now.

DENZEL
Damn...
(gets his ass kicked)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Beaten and bruised, Denzel is driving home after the fight.)

DENZEL
This sure turned out to be one really shitty day.

(Suddenly, the Russian Mob shows up and turns him into swiss cheese.)

THE END

The Grudge

2005-07-04T08:33:00.000-04:00

Starring: Buffy, Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, and some ghosts (not vampires)
Setting: Tokyo, Japan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
Good morning, honey. Isn't it a lovely day? You seem a bit detached. Is everything all right?

(Bill Pullman jumps off their twelfth floor balcony.)

BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
I'll take that as a no.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NERDY CAREWORKER
You—Nurse Buffy—go check on Crazy Old Woman who lives across town. I'd send the usual careworker, but she mysteriously disappeared once stepping foot inside the obviously-haunted house. Well, cheers!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NURSE BUFFY (inside the spooky house)
Hello...is anyone here?

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
(faints)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nurse Buffy is in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man...wow, I thought you were a goner f'sure. Wanna have sex?

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Nurse Buffy, I need to ask you some questions...

NURSE BUFFY
Detective, from the moment I entered that house I felt something was wrong.

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Hmm? Oh yes, well that's likely because we found a young couple corpsing it up in the attic alongside some chick's dismembered jaw. Or it could be because the last family that lived there was hideously butchered and now their violent ghosts are spooking the place. Actually, it's probably a little of column A, a little of column B.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nerdy Careworker is preparing to leave the Careworker Center. It's the middle of the night.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Well, here I am, having wasted yet another Saturday night in the Careworker Center masturbating to file photos of crazy old women. I really need a girlfriend.

(Dead Careworker Asian Chick shows up. She's missing her lower jaw, and her tongue's flapping around.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Eh, that's pretty messed up! Then again, that tongue is kinda hot... Hmm, seems like as good a time as any to get my first French kiss. Okay baby, lay it on me!
(promptly dies)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, my boy-toy is missing!

MORONIC DETECTIVE
He probably went to the spooky house. Whatever you do, don't go in that house! It will kill you!

(Ten minutes later, Mornonic Detective goes in the house and is killed.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Flashback three years. Bill Pullman walks into the spooky house.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hello, anybody home? I keep getting these love letters sent from this address and, the stud that I am, I haven't gotten around to seeing who's been sending them until now.

(Ghost Boy shows up.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hi.

GHOST BOY
Meow.

BILL PULLMAN
What's the matter, kid? Cat got your tongue? Hahahahahaha! Get it?!

(Nurse Buffy enters.)

NURSE BUFFY
Oh gosh, sorry, I must have the wrong scene...

BILL PULLMAN
No, it's okay. In fact, you're just in time. I'm about to uncover why this house is so spooky. So it's good you're here. Otherwise, we'd have to spend another half hour on exposition.

(They search the house and find the bloody bodies of a man and woman. Bill Pullman goes to leave.)

NURSE BUFFY
Where're you going?!

BILL PULLMAN
I've got an appointment with a sidewalk I can't miss.
(leaves)

(Nurse Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, suddenly crumpled in the corner, starts to groan.)

NURSE BUFFY
OMG! Are you okay?

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man, I think I smoked some bad shit...

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, it's that ghost again! Time for me to put my pyromaniac tendancies to good use.
(burns down the house)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Nurse Buffy is back in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY
Thank God everything is all right.

MORONIC DETECTIVE'S ASSISTANT
Yes... Well except for the fact that your boyfriend died a grisly death. Speaking of which, his corpse is in the next room, take a look.

(She does.)

NURSE BUFFY (to the corpse)
*Sob.* You were the favorite of all my boy-toys.

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
You again? Isn't it a bit cliched for you to show up and kill me in the final scene?

GHOST CHICK
Look, lady, I get one stinkin' line in this whole flick. Cut me some slack.

THE END

Clue

2005-06-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

Starring: Multicolored game pieces, two dice, and a folding cardboard floorplan of a mansion
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 + 1

MISS SCARLET
1 + 2 + 1 + 1 - 3

TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 - 2/3 + 48 factorial

AUDIENCE
What's any of this got to do with the board game?

MRS. PEACOCK
My God, someone's killed Mr. Boddy!

COLONEL MUSTARD
And we didn't have dessert yet!

MISS SCARLET
This is terrible!

MR. GREEN
I'm a homosexual.
(Silence.)
Well, I am.

(Doorbell rings. They answer it.)

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
The kingdom of God is at hand.

MRS. PEACOCK
I know who you are!
(Undercover Cop Posing As A Jehovah's Witness begins to sweat.)
You're the original teacher from "Head of the Class".

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
Oh, that's right.

PROFESSOR PLUM
So you moved from appearing on that prime-time sitcom to working as a door-to-door Jehovah's Witness promoter? Sounds like someone got a lucky break.

MRS. WHITE
Flames...flaming on the side of my head...flaming flames.

MR. GREEN
Did someone say flaming?

TIM CURRY
Aha, I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Miss Scarlet!

MISS SCARLET
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Mrs. Peacock!

MRS. PEACOCK
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
It was all of us! Except Mr. Green because he's an undercover cop.

MR. GREEN
That's right!
(to his men)
Take 'em all away, boys. I'm going home to sleep with my wife.
(silence)
Get it?! I'M NOT GAY!!

THE END

Boiler Room

2005-06-26T22:04:00.000-04:00

Starring: Weasley Stockbrokers and Not-As-Weasley Stockbrokers
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GIOVANNI'S DAD
You're a punk kid and I hate you.

GIOVANNI
Why?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I don't know...but it probably has something to do that crappy, under-the-table casino you run from your basement.

(Giovanni shuts down his illegal casino.)

GIOVANNI
Now do you like me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
No.

GIOVANNI
Well, at least now I can start an honest life! No more underhanded tricks to take people's cash.

NICKY KATT, VIN DIESEL AND JAMIE KENNEDY
Come with us and make dirty money.

GIOVANNI
Okay.

(He goes to their investment firm.)

BEN AFFLECK
Hello, new recruits. You remind me of the flaky crust stuck to the rim of my ketchup bottle, but stay with this firm and one day you will be filthy rich. That is all.

GIOVANNI (inner monologue)
Hmm...I'd like to be rich. Maybe this is the place for me.

NICKY KATT
Here's how you steal money from customers.
(shows him)
Got it?

(He's got it.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm a happy, upstanding family-man. Nothing could possibly come between me and my perfect life.

(Phone rings. He answers it.)

GIOVANNI (on phone)
Hello, sucker. Want to buy some stock?

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm not sure. Is it good?

GIOVANNI
Uh...yes.

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Well, I've never met you, only talked to you for three seconds and have no idea what this stock is for, but you've sold me. Sign me up for ten million shares. Hold on, I'll get the number for the bank account containing my family's life savings.

(The days pass. Giovanni develops a conscience.)

GIOVANNI
Oh, no... What have I done?! I've stolen people's money!

GIOVANNI'S DAD
Worse than that. You also got me in trouble with the F.B.I.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
And you made me lose my family.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

TOM EVERETT SCOTT
And you made me get this stupid haircut.

GIOVANNI
Oh, n...wait a second, no I didn't.

(The F.B.I. calls Giovanni at the firm.)

F.B.I.
We're gonna bust in in ten minutes.

GIOVANNI
Uh oh, I better make everything right again.

(He does.)

GIOVANNI
Well Dad, I went from running an illegal casino to defrauding ordinary folks out of millions of dollars. And on top of all that, I lied to your face, almost got you charged with federal crimes, and came within inches of publically humiliating you, which certainly would have cost you your highly-prized judgeship. So now what do you think of me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I love you, Son.

THE END

Jurassic Park III

2005-06-20T08:14:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Joe Johnson
Starring: Sam Neill as Dr. Grant, William H. Macy as Disgruntled Dad, some dinosaurs, and a lot of trees
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. GRANT
No force of man or earth will get me back to Jurassic Park.

WILLIAM H. MACY
My wife and I want to tour Jurassic Park. Will you be our guide? Here's a blank check.

DR. GRANT
What time's our flight?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Dr. Grant, William H. Macy, Tea Leoni and others have landed on Jurassic Park.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
By the way, I lied when I said we wanted to tour the island. Actually, our son vanished while parasailing over this place with my wife's bastard boyfriend. I also lied when I said I was rich.

DR. GRANT
I see...
(punches him)
Bitch.

(A spinosaurus shows up and eats half the search party. It is huge.)

DR. GRANT
And no one ever noticed this dinosaur before because...?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Hey look, a velociraptor nest. A pair of raptor eggs would make a great engagement gift for my honey back home.
(secretly steals some eggs)

LOST BOY (shows up)
Hi, Mom, Dad and company, welcome to the island. Here, let me show you my pad.
(gives them a tour of his Swiss Family Robinson-style habitat)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no!

DR. GRANT
What is it?!

WILLIAM H. MACY
I just realized I've been horribly miscast and that this movie is going to suck. Is there any way I can get out of it?

WILLIAM H. MACY'S AGENT
Nope.

(Suddenly velociraptors that look like David Beckham show up.)

THE GROUP
Oh no, the raptors!
(escapes the raptors)
That was close.

(Repeat with every species of dinosaur.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The group is about to be rescued, but then the velociraptors ambush them.)

DR. GRANT
Again? What the hell do they want?

DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Maybe they're looking for the eggs I stole from them.

DR. GRANT
You sniff glue, don't you?

(They give back the eggs but the dinosaurs don't leave.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no, they're going to eat us now.

DR. GRANT
Don't worry, I speak raptor.

(He does so. The raptors quickly shuffle off.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
What'd you say?

DR. GRANT
I pointed out their embarassing new hairstyles. They won't be leaving the nest again any time soon.

LOST BOY
Hey look, the Army, Navy and Marines just arrived to save us!

WILLIAM H. MACY
What the...? Where the hell did they come from?

DR. GRANT
Who cares? We just reached the 90-minute mark. This travesty is over.

THE END

Thelma & Louise

2005-06-19T06:08:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Impassioned Feminists and men who don't respect them
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THELMA
I hate men.

LOUISE
I hate men more.

THELMA
No, you don't.

LOUISE
Yes, I do.
(kills a man)

THELMA
Okay, you do.

LOUISE
Hmm...we probably should get out of here.

(They take off in a Thunderbird and go on a cross country crime spree in support of feminism.)

CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD
Well, here I am, playing the asshole in yet another movie... But on to more current news, I don't understand how my wife could be a felon. I mean, she's just a woman.

IMPASSIONED FEMINISTS IN THE AUDIENCE
Grrrrrr...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Thelma and Louise are being chased by numerous police cars. They pull up to the edge of a huge chasm and realize they're trapped.)

THELMA
Hey, you know what'd be cool?

LOUISE
What?

THELMA
If we just drove off the cliff.

LOUISE
Really? That would be cool?

THELMA
Oh yeah.

LOUISE
All right then.

(They drive off the cliff. It is cool.)

THE END

The Day After Tomorrow

2005-06-16T22:42:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Environmentally-Conscious Good Guys, Evil Political Bad Guys, and The Cold
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DENNIS QUAID
Everyone listen! We need to stop global warming or the environment will retaliate!

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Haha, you're insane. Global warming doesn't exist.

(Super tornadoes devastate L.A., giant storm surges drown NYC, and a massive blizzard sends North America into a new ice age.)

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Oops.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUBBLE BOY (calling from a library in NYC)
Dad, save me.

DENNIS QUAID (in D.C.)
Okay.
(walks through the blizzard from D.C. to NYC, along the way ripping off scenes from Vertical Limit, Alive and Lawrence of Arabia)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
I think I have gangrene.

BUBBLE BOY
I'll find some medicine in the Russian sub that just floated by our window.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Wait, if the sub just floated by, then how can you get to it?

BUBBLE BOY
Don't worry. I'm sure by the time I get my scarf and galoshes on, the four million cubic tons of salt water will have frozen solid.

(He's right.)

MEAN CGI WOLVES (entering the sub after Bubble Boy)
Grr...we're mean. We want to eat you.

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, virtual wolves!
(runs outside)
That was close. Now that I have the medicine, I shall return to my ailing girlfriend.

(The sky gets angry and releases The Cold.)

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, The Cold!

(The Cold chases him back to the library. He makes it, but it is CLOSE.)

BUBBLE BOY
Here's the medicine.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Thanks. While you were gone, we took to burning books to stay warm.

BUBBLE BOY
Wouldn't it make more sense to burn all this wooden furniture first?

(No response.)

DENNIS QUAID (shows up)
Here I am.

THE STRANDED
Hooray! We're saved!

SMART STANDED GUY
Wait a minute. How exactly are you going to save us?

DENNIS QUAID
Well, I'm... I'm going to... Uh...

HELICOPTER RESCUERS (show up)
Here we are.

THE STRANDED
Hooray!

DENNIS QUAID
See, that's how.

SMART STRANDED GUY
What was the purpose of you walking here when we were going to have to use helicopters to escape anyway?

DENNIS QUAID
Shut up, Poindexter.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EVIL VICE PRESIDENT TURNED GOOD
I would like to apologize for Republicans everywhere. We had truly fucked up the planet. As compensation, I have deverted all incoming GOP funds to Amnesty International.

MICHAEL MOORE
Nice try, but that's not going to stop criticism from this radical! I've got a new documentary planned exposing the administration's hidden role in this global eco-disaster: Fahrenheit —911. Isn't my title clever?

RAY BRADBURY
Cunt.

THE END

Blade Runner: Director's Cut

2005-06-07T00:15:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Depressed cops, depressed replicants, and a happy unicorn
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The future is dark and depressing.)

BRYANT
Kill all replicants.

DECKARD
Okay.
(starts killing the replicants)

RACHAEL
I'm a replicant, but you can't kill me because you love me.

DECKARD
You're right.

(He nods off and the screen is filled with a giant unicorn prancing through a meadow.)

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN DOZING OFF
What the fuck is this?

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN PAYING RAPT ATTENTION
What the fuck is this?

BATTY
Hahahahaha! I'm the evil replicant. But I'm also sensitive. Look how beautifully the rain falls.
(dies)

DECKARD
That moved me. Now I'll run away with my replicant hottie. Hello, what's this?
(picks up an oragami unicon)

THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Look, it's a unicorn! That means Deckard was a replicant all along!

SECOND THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Nah, it's just a coincidence.

FINAL THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Wait, what's a replicant again?

(Ten years later...)

HARRISON FORD
By the way everybody, I wasn't a replicant.

RIDLEY SCOTT
Yes you were.

THE END

The Shining

2005-06-04T01:37:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick
Starring: A screwed up family and a few dozen ghosts
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK NICHOLSON (in a scary, maniacal close-up)
Well family, here we are, about to take care of this creepy hotel for the entire winter.

HALLORAN
Hi, I'm the groundskeeper. If something spooky happens, just call me and I'll be here in a jiffy.

SHELLY DUVALL
How can we reach you?

HALLORAN
Have your psychic son send me a message. Any time after 3:00 is good but not during dinner.

(The days pass. Psychic Kid is confronted by twin girl ghosts in the hallway.)

TWIN GIRL GHOSTS
Come play with us, Danny.

PSYCHIC KID (to himself)
Damn...if we were all ten years older, I'd be all over that.

(More days pass. Jack Nicholson enters one of the hotel rooms and sees a beautiful naked woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Oh baby, come to papa!
(begins to fondle her)

(The beautiful naked woman turns into Old, Ugly, Liverspotted Naked Woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Yak! Oh well, at least you're still hotter than my wife.

(More days pass.)

SHELLY DUVALL
Jack, have you noticed anything strange in the hotel?

JACK NICHOLSON
Why, whatever do you mean, darling?

SHELLY DUVALL
Well, for starters, why are you advancing on me while brandishing a baseball bat behind your back?

JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll come clean. This hotel has driven me insane.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you already were insane at the start of the film.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right, then this hotel has made me abusive.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you were abusive before too.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right! Then this hotel has manifested the ghosts of dead, wealthy gentlemen who are constantly urging me to kill my wife and son.

SHELLY DUVALL
Okay, that's new.

(Jack Nicholson chases them around the hotel. Shelly Duvall walks in on a giant dog giving some dude a blowjob.)

GIANT DOG
A little privacy please.

(Halloran shows up.)

HALLORAN
Psychic Son, I got your psychic message, and I'm here to save the day.

(Jack Nicholson whacks him in the gut with an axe.)

REV. AL SHARPTON
Look at that! The black man's the first to die!

(Jack Nicholson runs around a hedge maze outside and freezes to death.)

AVID KING READERS
Sigh... That was nothing like the book.

(Seventeen years later.)

STEPHEN KING
I listened to all your complaints about the film and am proud to announce I've remade my story as a TNT miniseries. It's been heavily censored for television and stars the guy from "Wings".

EVERYONE
Boooooo!

THE END

Species

2005-06-02T15:30:00.000-04:00

Starring: Agent Gandhi, Mr. Blonde, Sensitive Guy, Smart Chick, Horny Doctor, and a Hot Alien
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AGENT GANDHI
Thank you all for coming. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we created an alien from information gathered from outerspace, which has since broken free, killing everyone in its path.

MR. BLONDE
Jesus Christ! What's the good news?

AGENT GANDHI
We decided to splice the alien DNA with that of a blonde Brooke Burke.

SMART CHICK
What was the purpose of that?

AGENT GANDHI
Hey lady, my men and I work in an underground laboratory 24/7. Take a guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The team searches for the alien.)

SENSITIVE GUY
I sense that the alien is scared.

(They find a naked dead guy.)

THE TEAM
Hmm...

(They find another naked dead guy.)

SMART CHICK
Aha! She must be looking for a mate.

(They find the alien and run her off the road into a conveniently-placed transformer, exploding her car.)

THE TEAM
Hooray! No need to confirm that was actually her...let's go party!

(They go to a bar.)

SMART CHICK (to Mr. Blonde)
Have sex with me.

MR. BLONDE
Okay.
(leaves with her to have sex)

HORNY DOCTOR
Sigh...

HOT ALIEN WEARING A WIG
You're old, fat, and ugly...everything I look for in a man. Let's have sex.

HORNY DOCTOR
YES! I knew this day would come eventually!

(They go back to his hotel room and have sex.)

HORNY DOCTOR
Wow...that was fantastic. Now I can claim my lack of virginity with pride!

HOT ALIEN WEARING A WIG
Well, actually, you're still technically a virgin. See, I'm the alien. And you just got me pregnant.

HORNY DOCTOR
Oh my God...you want child support!!

(Sensitive Guy, Mr. Blonde, Smart Chick, and Agent Gandhi break down the door, guns in hand. The alien turns into her alien self and flees.)

MR. BLONDE
Quick, she went to the bottomless pit in the basement!

(They go.)

AGENT GANDHI
There she is!

(The alien kills him.)

MR. BLONDE
Hmm, I better try a different approach.
(blows her head off with a shotgun, blasting the carcas into the bottomless pit)
Yep, that worked.

SMART CHICK
Well, everything is finally back to normal.

SENSITIVE GUY
Uh, what about that alien baby in the corner?

MR. BLONDE
Save him for the sequel.

THE END

Forrest Gump

2005-06-01T01:29:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Forrest Gump, Doped-Up Hippie Chick, Pissed Off Army Guy, Bubba, 4 Presidents, and John Lennon
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FORREST GUMP
My name is Forrest Gump. You can call me Forrest Gump.

EVERYONE ELSE
Glad you cleared that up.

(Forrest Gump joins the Army.)

BUBBA
I like shrimp.
(dies)

FORREST GUMP
I'll have to become a shrimp boat cap'n to preserve Bubba's memory.

(He does, becoming a millionaire and saving America several times over in the process.)

FORREST GUMP
I have money and fame and shrimp, but I still don't have my doped-up hippie chick.

DOPED-UP HIPPIE CHICK
Okay I'll let you have sex with me, but then I'll run away, returning only when my baby needs a daddy.

MAURY POVICH
And be sure to give me a ring when you do.

(Everyone Forrest Gump knows dies or is seriously injured.)

FORREST GUMP
I'm gonna give up my fortune and stay a shrimp boat cap'n cause that's what Bubba would have wanted.

BUBBA'S GHOST
Goddamn, enough with the shrimp already.

THE END

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

2005-05-26T21:11:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: 2 characters from the book, 137 characters from Steven Spielberg's mind, and numerous digital dinosaurs
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STEVEN SPIELBERG FANS
Spielberg has never made a bad movie. We can't wait to see this!

MICHAEL CRICHTON FANS
The book "The Lost World" was great. We can't wait to see this!

EVIL WEALTHY CAPITALIST
Hello. I'm here because this movie needed a villain, and clearly the dinosaurs are the heroes.

ECO-TERRORIST
Hello. I'm supposed to be a good guy, but watch as every death and act of destruction can be traced back to me.

UGLY GAME HUNTER
Hello. I'm the big, bad game hunter. However, because of Mr. Speilberg's brazen aversion to guns, I will not fire a single shot.

JEFF GOLDBLUM'S DAUGHTER
Hello. I'm black.

MICHAEL CRICHTON FANS
What the...? Who're all these people?

STEVEN SPIELBERG FANS
Bah, who cares if he changed the book? We're sure the movie will be excellent.

(Eco-Terrorist releases all the caged dinosaurs, thereby destroying every piece of communications equipment on the island.)

AUDIENCE
Well that was stupid.

(Eco-Terrorist kidnaps a baby T-Rex, causing its parents to demolish their trailer and kill their mechanics expert.)

AUDIENCE
And that was really stupid.

(Eco-Terrorist secretly removes the bullets from Ugly Game Hunter's high-powered rifle, thereby eliminating the humans only defense against the rampaging dinos.)

AUDIENCE
Okay, we're nominating this guy for the Darwin Award.

(But everything is all right because Jeff Goldblum's daughter uses her gymnastic skills to kill the velociraptors.)

AUDIENCE
Could this movie get any worse?

(A T-Rex escapes to the mainland and lays waste to San Diego.)

AUDIENCE
It was supposed to be a rhetorical question.

THE END

Armageddon

2005-05-19T23:29:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Oil Drillers, Astronauts, Comedians, and a combination thereof
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILLY BOB
An asteroid is on a collison course with Earth, a fragment of which just killed Mr. Cooper's dog.

NASA SCIENTISTS
Let's send burly yet comical oil drillers to plant a nuke beneath the asteroid's surface so we can split it in two.

BILLY BOB
Wouldn't it be easier to train astronauts to drill instead of training oil drillers to be astronauts?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BRUCE WILLIS AND HIS GROUP OF RUFFIANS
Here we are.

BILLY BOB
Train to be astronauts.

(The drillers do so. They suck.)

PRETTY BOY DRILLER (to Bruce Willis)
I'm having sex with your daughter.

BRUCE WILLIS
I hate you. No I don't.

BILLY BOB
Okay, now you're ready to go into space.

(They're not.)

(The drillers/comedians/astronauts fly through outerspace in two shuttles that maneuver like F-15s.)

FUNNY RUSSIAN DRUNK (alone on the International Space Station)
Pick me up.

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Okay.

(They do. Five minutes later the space station blows up.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Oops. Oh well, now it's time to drill the asteroid.

(One of the space shuttles crashes.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS IN THE OTHER SHUTTLE
Don't worry, they were all expendable.

(Bruce Willis begins to drill.)

BRUCE WILLIS
Hey, this is harder than I thought.

PEOPLE ON EARTH
Oh no! Will they make it?!

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Looks like you can't do it. Let's detonate the nuke on the surface.

BRUCE WILLIS
No one criticizes my drill skills. Your skepticism has provided me with the determination to finish the job.

(He's right.)

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Oops, the batteries on the nuke's remote control just died. Someone will have to stay behind to push the big red button himself.

BRUCE WILLIS
I'll do it. But first I'll construct a small film studio so I can say goodbye to my daughter.

(He does. It is touching. The Drillers/Comedians/Astronauts take off, leaving him with the nuke. He blows the asteroid in two. Earth is saved.)

EVERYONE ON EARTH (before they possibly could have learned the news)
Hooray!!!

BILLY BOB (to NASA Scientists)
Hey when you all planned this mission, did any of you consider the fact that an asteroid spins in three dimensions?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No. But we'll cover this plothole with a panoramic hero shot of the survivors strutting in front of a sunset.

(They do, and it is beautiful.)

THE END

Bring It On

2005-05-18T16:26:00.000-04:00

Starring: Competing cheerleading squads and eh...that's about it
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1ST SQUAD
We're white.

2ND SQUAD
We're black.

1ST SQUAD
We're rich.

2ND SQUAD
We're poor.

1ST SQUAD
We're suburbanites.

2ND SQUAD
We're city-dwellers.

1ST SQUAD
We're stereotypes.

2ND SQUAD
So are we.

(Ninety minutes and eighty-three handsprings later.)

1ST SQUAD
We're good.

2ND SQUAD
We're better.

THE END

Donnie Darko

2005-05-17T15:37:00.000-04:00

Starring: Donnie Darko, Crack Rabbit, New Girlfriend, and a bunch of self-promoting cameos by Hollywood's B-list
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DONNIE DARKO
Hello. I'm a cool Gen-Xer in the year 1988. As you may gather from my name, I'm also quite disturbed. This makes me cooler.
(goes to sleep)

VOICE
Donnie, get your ass up.

(Donnie sleepwalks to a golf course and encounters Bugs Bunny on Crack.)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
In 28 days the world will end.

DONNIE DARKO
Well that's depressing... I like it!
(walks home)
Hey look, while I was gone a jet engine fell on my bed.

(The next day...)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Flood the school.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay.

(He floods the school. Later:)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Burn down Patrick Swayze's house.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay.

(He burns down Patrick Swayze's house. Later:)

BUGS BUNNY ON CRACK
Have passionate sex with your new girlfriend.

DONNIE DARKO
Okay!

(He has wild animal sex with New Girlfriend.)

DONNIE DARKO
Isn't anyone going to tell me what these freaky tunnels coming out of everybody's chests are?

MULDER
No.

DONNIE DARKO
Oh well. New Girlfriend, come with me to visit the crazy old lady who lives down the street.

NEW GIRLFRIEND
Sure.

(They walk down the street. Bugs Bunny On Crack runs over New Girlfriend in his car, killing her.)

DONNIE DARKO
Not cool, man.
(shoots the Crack Rabbit)
Ok, now what...? Oh yeah, stop the world from ending.

(He drives to a hilltop and stares at the sky, which apparently fixes everything. He wakes up in his bed, 28 days earlier.)

DONNIE DARKO
Ah, everything is back to normal.

(A jet engine falls on his bed, splattering him. We see a montage featuring a very post-1980s cover of Tears For Fears.)

DONNIE'S FAMILY (outside the house, gawking at the wreckage)
Oh no! Poor Donnie...

(From across the street, New Girlfriend stops her bike and observes the scene. She waves tenderly to Mrs. Darko, who sees her.)

MRS. DARKO
Thanks, kid. That makes it all better.

THE END

The Fugitive

2005-05-16T19:46:00.000-04:00

Starring: Federal Marshal Tommy Lee Jones, Dr. Harrison Ford, other federal marshals and other doctors, including Evil Foreign Doctor
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. HARRISON FORD
I didn't kill my wife. A one-armed man did it.

EVERYONE ELSE
Suuuuure... Now go to jail.

(Dr. Harrison Ford packs into a prison transport headed for San Quentin, which apparently requires the crossing of an active rail line. In a shocking series of events, a train slams into the van, tossing it aside and allowing Dr. Harrison Ford to escape.)

DR. HARRISON FORD
Woot, woot!

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Hold it!

DR. HARRISON FORD
I didn't kill my wife.

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Whatever.

(Dr. Harrison Ford jumps off a cliff into the river below.)

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
That...I wasn't expecting.

(Dr. Harrison Ford surfaces downstream. He shaves his beard and turns into Lt. Columbo.)

DR. HARRISON FORD (examining documents)
Aha! So Evil Foreign Doctor is the murderer!

EVIL FOREIGN DOCTOR
That's right. But if you were observant, the fact that I speak with a nondescript foreign accent would have triggered your suspicions from the very beginning.

(They fight in a dry cleaners. Dr. Harrison Ford wins.)

DR. HARRISON FORD
Hooray!

FEDERAL MARSHAL TOMMY LEE JONES
Sorry I tried to blow your head off before. Here, have an ice pack.

THE END

Titanic

2005-05-14T22:59:00.001-04:00

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Evil Rich White People, Good Poor Immigrants, Idiotic Crew Members, and an iceberg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I'm rich, upper-class, and white. Woe is me...

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm also rich, upper-class, and white. But I enjoy my advantaged existence, so I must be evil. You, Sappy Drama Queen, grovel at my feet and pay homage to my greatness.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEONARDO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
I'm a poor criminal... My life rules!

ALL THREE
Hey, there's a big ship. Let's get on it.

(They do.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, I am so misunderstood!
(readies to throw herself overboard)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Don't do that. Instead, join my side of society. We're not rich, and we party 24/7.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Rock on.

(She descends with him to E-Deck and they party hard.)

THE UNSINKABLE KATHY BATES
Hello. I'm rich too. But I am "new money", so I'm not evil. Plus, I crack jokes belittling my social equals. Hey Leo Playing Poor Leo, join us in the first class dining room for some of my funny antics. I have a good joke about forks I want you to hear.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Thanks for inviting me to dinner, everyone.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
No problem. But when we're done, be sure to promptly return below to the rest of your filth and grime.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
How COULD you?!
(runs away with Leo Dicaprio Playing Leo DiCaprio as a Poor Man)

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm so mean, I'm oblivious to my own evil. Therefore, I'll assume they ran off because the food was subpar.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOKOUT 1
Iceberg dead ahead!

LOOKOUT 2
Iceberg dead ahead?!

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Iceberg dead ahead!

CAPTAIN
Iceberg?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN
Where?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Dead ahead.

CAPTAIN
Ah yes, there it is.
(The Titanic crashes into it.)
See, this is why I don't parallel park.

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Oh no, we're taking on water!

CAPTAIN
Silly, officer. This ship is unsinkable.

THOMAS ANDREWS
Actually...wrong.
(proceeds to belittle the crew for their nominal intelligence)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The sappy lovers' sexual romp is interrupted by the crash.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN (to Sappy Drama Queen)
The ship's sinking! Quick, let's get to a lifeboat!

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE (watching)
Grrr, I'm so jealous!!!
(whips out his pistol and goes postal)
I'm shooting at my fiancee! See how evil I am!

(The sappy lovers retreat to D-Deck and swim to the other side of the ship.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here's a lifeboat. Get on it.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
No. I've only known you for 48 hours, but I want to die with you.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Yeah, I get that a lot.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCEE
Hmm, I haven't done anything evil in awhile...
(picks up a crying child, pretends to be his father, and gains access to a lifeboat)
That'll do nicely.

(The ship sinks.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN (lying on a piece of floating driftwood)
Where did you go?!

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here I am, bobbing precariously in the subzero water.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Are you mad at me?

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Why, because if you had gotten on that lifeboat like I told you I could be the one lying safely on that piece of driftwood? Nah... Just do me one favor. Never let go.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I won't.

(She lets go.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
...and that's the whole story.

BILL PAXTON
Jesus Christ, lady, I only asked you about the diamond.

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, yes. Well, you can't have it. In a few minutes I plan to throw it into the ocean as a testament of my undying love.

BILL PAXTON
How is that a testament of anything?

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Quiet, whippersnapper, or I'll break out the cod liver oil.

THE END

The Blair Witch Project

2005-05-13T22:35:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Who the hell knows
Starring: Who the hell cares
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUDIENCE
We can't wait to see this movie! The buzz is it stands out as the hallmark of intelligent horror. And it's based on a true story!

(Movie begins.)

CHICK CAMPER
I'm a single female who'll be spending the night in the woods to do a documentary on the Blair Witch. Who wants to tag along?

STONER CAMPER
Me.

FAT CAMPER
Me.

(Chick Camper begins interviewing many different people of the town. One of the guy campers films it. The other guy camper does absolutely nothing.)

AUDIENCE
We're sure this exposition is going to build up to something terrifying! Pass the popcorn.

(The campers spend the night in the woods. A twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CAMPERS
Ahhhh! What the fuck was that?!

AUDIENCE
A twig.

CHICK CAMPER
Quick! Get the camera and swing it around wildly!

(They leave their tent and start running in circles.)

CHICK CAMPER
Ahhh! This is so scary!

(As the days pass, repeat ad nauseum.)

CHICK CAMPER
Why can't we find our way out of the woods?

FAT CAMPER
Perhaps it's because a few hours ago I tossed our map in some stream.

CHICK CAMPER
Why the fuck did you do that?

FAT CAMPER
Obviously, I'm a mental midget.

(They spend yet another night in the woods.)

FAT CAMPER (wakes up)
Hey, what happened to Stoner Camper?

CHICK CAMPER
I dunno.

(They wander around aimlessly. The sun sets and they...spend another night in the woods.)

AUDIENCE
We're seeing a pattern here.

(In the middle of the night another twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CHICK CAMPER
Oh no!! Let's run into this abandoned house!!

FAT CAMPER
Ah, this is scary!!
(gets knocked out from behind)

CHICK CAMPER
Fat camper, where did you go?! Oh there you are, standing eerily in the dark corner like a psychopath. Wait a second...
(gets knocked out from behind)

AUDIENCE
Projectionist! The movie stopped!

PROJECTIONIST
It's over, you dolts!

AUDIENCE
We paid $9 a head for that? That's like $0.50 for every sound of a twig snapping.

DIRECTOR
True, but they were some damn expensive twigs.

THE END

Sphere

2005-05-13T13:09:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: Dr. Rainman, Sexy Blonde Scientist, Samuel L. Fucking Jackson, Scary Government Spook, and Queen Latifah (no, seriously)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Hello, Dr. Rainman. Do you know why you're here in a laboratory at the bottom of the sea?

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely a plane crash.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK.
Actually it's a space craft.

DR. RAINMAN
United crashed four times since August 1990.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh, ok, but this is a spaceship crash.

DR. RAINMAN
E.T. was filmed in 1981.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Um...maybe I should try some of you other experts. What about you, Sexy Blonde Scientist?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I view the spaceship as a giant phallis that has penetrated the ocean's virginity.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh...

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Actually, and since I'm the only one here who appears to possess a smigeon of scientific knowledge, allow me to point out that the submerged ship couldn't have crashed into the water from the air because it's still structurally intact. Therefore, the sum of my academic insight suggests to me that the ship magically appeared at the bottom of the sea.

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely appeared.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
But we're four hundred feet below the surface!

DR. RAINMAN
Three hundred eighty-six feet, nine inches.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Enough of this...let's just board the damn thing.

(They do.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Look at this, an empty condom wrapper...in English. This must be an American spaceship that travelled back in time.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Either that or Trojan has decided to outsource across the galaxy.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look at this, a giant gold sphere.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Cool.
(disappears)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
What the...? Where'd he go?

DR. RAINMAN
Inside the sphere, definitely inside the sphere.

(An hour later, back in the their underwater laboratory...)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hello, everyone. I'm back from the inside the sphere. Notice my eerily subdued demeanor.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look. The computer is writing to us.

COMPUTER
Hello. How are you? My name is Jerry. I am your friend. I will kill you now.

(The laboratory is attacked by a giant squid. Dr. Rainman squeals like a dying pig.)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Jerry, stop!
(killed from falling debris)

(All commotion stops.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
What the hell just happened?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Looks like the sphere attacked us.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
We should surface.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Can't. There's a scary hurricane going on up there.

(Time passes. They become paranoid.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST (to Samuel L. Fucking Jackson)
You’re insane.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON (to Sexy Blonde Scientist)
No, you’re insane.

DR. RAINMAN
Are you taking any prescription medication?

COMPUTER VOICE
Ten minutes to demolition.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Demolition? How the hell did that happen?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Because after we went inside the sphere we all gained the power to manifest our fears, and I have a fear of standing near exploding shrapnel.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Wait, when did you two go inside the sphere?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I assume it was during one of the several extended moments in the second act when the audience fell asleep.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Well, we have to drive the emergency escape sub to the surface.

DR. RAINMAN
I’m an excellent driver.

(They swim to the escape sub.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
How much time do we have left, Doctor?

DR. RAINMAN
Uh-oh. Only five minutes 'til Wapner.

(Sexy Blonde Scientist maneuvers the sub to the surface, successfully evading the explosion. The hurricane has conveniently dissapated.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hey, we made it. Now we all must agree to forget any of this ever happened, ok?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
You mean the sphere?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
No, I mean the fact that we took part in this movie. We've all had pretty decent film careers up until this point. If we can ignore the existence of this dud, we just might survive it.

ALL 4 PEOPLE REMAINING IN THE THEATRE
Definitely, definitely a bomb.

THE END

12 Angry Men

2005-05-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

Starring: A bunch of angry men (twelve to be exact)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The jurors assemble in the deliberation room to decide the fate of a young man on trial for murder.)

FOREMAN
Let's take a vote. What do you all think? I say, guilty.

JUROR 2
Guilty.

JUROR 3
Guilty.

JUROR 4
Guilty.

JUROR 5
Guilty.

JUROR 6
Guilty.

JUROR 7
Guilty.

JUROR 9
Guilty.

JUROR 10
Guilty.

JUROR 11
Guilty.

JUROR 12
Guilty.

FOREMAN
Okay, that takes care of that...wait a minute, what about you, Juror 8?

JUROR 8
Not guilty.

OTHER JURORS
*grumble, grumble*

(Sixty minutes later.)

FOREMAN
Time for another vote. I say, not guilty.

JUROR 2
Not guilty.

JUROR 4
Not guilty.

JUROR 5
Not guilty.

JUROR 6
Not guilty.

JUROR 7
Not guilty.

JUROR 8
Not guilty.

JUROR 9
Not guilty.

JUROR 10
Not guilty.

JUROR 11
Not guilty.

JUROR 12
Not guilty.

FOREMAN
All right, great, let's tell the judge we're rea— Wait a second, what about you, Juror 3?

JUROR 3
Guilty.

OTHER JURORS
You are old, mean, and not as charming as Henry Fonda. Therefore, we will badger you until you change your vote.

JUROR 3
In that case, not guilty.

MARK GERAGOS, F. LEE BAILEY & THE GHOST OF JOHNNIE COCHRAN
Hooray!!!

THE END

Bram Stoker's Dracula

2005-05-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
Starring: Stoned "British" Guy, Count Shakespeare, Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female, Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female, Bug Muncher, Bug Muncher's Doctor, 19th Century Hannibal Lector, Cowboy, Uptight British Guy, and Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou art welcome in my castle, Mr. Harker.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Wild, man. This is trippy.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou must be hungry from thou journey. Come, eat.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yeah, I've got the munchies bad.

(As he eats, he unknowingly pricks himself with his steak knife.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah...thou hath cut thouself...

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Thanks for the heads-up. I've smoked away all the sensation above my waist.

(Count Shakespeare drops to his knees and begins to lap at the blood dripping on the floor.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Uh...

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah, excuse me. This is customary in my country. Now, I must retire for I hath dined already. Thou may explore the castle at will but be surest not to hath sex with any pointy-teeth prostitutes.
(leaves)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Whoa...how'd he know 'bout that chick in Nevada?

(He falls asleep. Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes show up.)

POINTY-TEETH PROSTITUTES
Mmm...Keanu Reeves.

(They advance on him, kissing him all over his body. He wakes up.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Best. Acid flashback. Ever.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appears)
How dare thou touch him! He is mine! Here, thou may feast on this baby.

(They do.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Okay, that is just wrong. I gotta peace out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I am ever so worried about Jonathan. He hasn't written for weeks.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
I just fucked three different guys at once.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Lucy!

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
Mina, you're such a prude. Now if you'll excuse me, it's the middle of the night and I feel like taking a leisurely beachside stroll alone in just a nightgown. Adieu.

(She does and is raped by Count Shakespeare in wolf form.)

PRUDES IN AUDIENCE
Bestiality!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR (to Bug Muncher)
Is your bug eating a result of watching too much "Fear Factor"?

ATTENDANT
Doctor, Miss Lucy is sick.

(Bug Muncher's Doctor calls 19th Century Hannibal Lector. They observe the ill Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
Look at the marks on her neck. Someone has dined on her, likely with fava beans and a nice chianti...
(licks lips)

(Ten minutes later.)

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
How is she now?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's dead. Well, actually, she is undead. Therefore, we must cut off her head and feast on her liver.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
What?!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
I mean...we must cut off her head and drive a stake through her heart.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Oh ok.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female retrieves Stoned "British" Guy from a hospital. His hair has turned completely white.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
What happened to your hair?! Is this because of the fright you've experienced during your trip?

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Nah, I just smoked some bad shrooms on the way back.

(They arrive home.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Where's Lucy?

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Hmm? Oh, we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I need some air.

(She goes into town.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
My apologizes, Miss, but thou lookest as my former wife.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
How sweet! Let's have an affair.

(They do.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yo Mina, have you been kickin' it with a vampire?

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
No...

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Then why are those marks on your neck?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's become the devils concubine!
(begins to hump her leg)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appearing)
Begone! She is mine, and thou art fools!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
We have descecrated your coffins! You are no longer welcome here!

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
No!!!!! Then I shall return to my castle.

(He does. The British upper class chases him.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
There he is, lying in his coffin! Stake him!

(Bug Muncher's Doctor drives the stake.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Nooooo!! I wanted him to take my virginity!

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Heh, apparently you forget the night I gave you that double shot of schnapps.

(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female drags Count Shakespeare's body into the castle.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I will remain with you for the rest of your life.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thanks.
(dies)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Ah, crap...

THE END

Thirteen

2005-05-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

Starring: Rebellious 13-Year-Old Girls and their Single Moms
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INNOCENT GIRL
I'm tired of being made fun of in school.

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Then come hang out with me and my friends.

(She does. Now they are dressing as sluts.)

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
This is how you get a boy to like you.
(goes down on him)

INNOCENT GIRL
Cool.

AUDIENCE (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Uh...

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Now let's do drugs.

INNOCENT GIRL
Okay.

(They get high and cat-fight with each other, then begin to kiss.)

AUDIENCE (shifts again)
Um...

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
What are you doing? Didn't I raise you not to do drugs, sleep around, and engage in lesbianism?

INNOCENT GIRL
Mom, you're so lame. This is what all the cool girls do. By the way, my new friend here is moving in.

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
I can't handle this by myself! Where's your father?

INNOCENT GIRL'S DEADBEAT DAD
Here I am. I'll show up for just long enough to establish my futility... Okay, that should do it. See ya.

INNOCENT GIRL (to Good Friends)
Hi, guys.

GOOD FRIENDS
Go away.

INNOCENT GIRL
Oh no, I've lost all my good friends. Maybe being popular isn't what it's cracked up to be.

GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
Uh oh, my mom found out we've been stealing. Oh well, I'll just blame it all on you.

INNOCENT GIRL
I see now I should have been myself. Now I have no one.

INNOCENT GIRL'S SINGLE MOM
No, dear, you have me.

(They hug.)

AUDIENCE
We can't decide: indie film or thinly-veiled Lifetime afterschool special?

THE END

Field of Dreams

2005-05-09T20:10:00.002-04:00

Directed by: Phil Alden Robinson
Starring: Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones, and a bunch of dead baseball players
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOICE
If you build it, he will come.

KEVIN COSTNER
Build what? Oh wait, maybe you mean a baseball field.

(He builds a baseball field on his farm and dead baseball players show up.)

VOICE
Go the distance.

KEVIN COSTNER
Go where? Oh wait, maybe you mean across the country.

(He drives across the country in his hippie van.)

VOICE
Ease his pain.

KEVIN COSTNER
Ease whose pain? Oh wait, maybe you mean James Earl Jones.

(He brings James Earl Jones to his baseball field.)

KEVIN COSTNER'S DEAD FATHER
Hi.

KEVIN COSTNER
Dad? Oh, so you were the one the voice was talking about. Then...why did all these dead baseball players show up?

DEAD BASEBALL PLAYERS
Don't ask us.

THE END

Cruel Intentions

2005-05-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

Starring: Sluts, Virgins, and Token Black Guy
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT BOY
Fuck me.

EVERY GIRL IN THE MOVIE EXCEPT SLUT GIRL AND CUTE VIRGIN
Okay.

(They shag.)

SLUT GIRL
Hey Slut Boy, I'll let you screw me if you screw Cute Virgin first.

SLUT BOY
Two more sexual romps? How can I say no?
(approaches Cute Virgin)
Fuck me.

CUTE VIRGIN
Buzz off.

SLUT BOY
What?! Have I lost my slut powers? Hmm...this may take a tad more creativity on my part.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT GIRL
Now Dumbass Virgin, I'm going to personally teach you how to French kiss.

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Why?

SLUT GIRL
Because we're over-budget and have to lock in the male 13-26 crowd.

(They kiss. It is hot.)

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Oooh la la! When I grow up, I want to be a slut just like you.

SLUT GIRL
Why wait? You can start today. Go fuck Slut Boy and Token Black Guy. That surely will create some drama to entertain me through my life of perpetual boredom.

DUMBASS VIRGIN
Tee-hee!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT BOY
See how sensitive and responsive I've been to your wants and needs?

CUTE VIRGIN (sniff)
I was wrong about you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. Let's consumate our future marriage with a physical showing of our love for each other.

SLUT BOY
Huh?

CUTE VIRGIN
Let's fuck.

SLUT BOY
Oh, okay.

(They shag.)

CUTE VIRGIN
That was great.

SLUT BOY
Yeah... By the way, I just used you for sex.

CUTE VIRGIN
Prick!

(She kicks him out. He returns home.)

SLUT BOY (to Slut Girl)
Okay, I did Cute Virgin. Now drop your drawers.

SLUT GIRL
Haha, I was just kidding. Now I will take twisted amusement in the fact that you threw away your one chance at true love.

SLUT BOY
This sucks.
(goes back to Cute Virgin's house)
Hi.

CUTE VIRGIN
Prick!

(Slut Boy wonders into a random busy intersection. Token Black Guy shows up and they fight. Slut Boy is hit by a semitruck. Cute Virgin rushes over.)

CUTE VIRGIN (to Slut Boy's mangled corpse)
I really did love you, Slut Boy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SLUT GIRL (at Slut Boy's funeral)
I'm so hot, even at a funeral. I'm invincible.

(Cute Virgin distributes embarassing propaganda about Slut Girl to all in attendance.)

SLUT GIRL
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!
(explodes)

AUDIENCE OVER 18
Meh...this was just a rehash of "Dangerous Liasons", which in itself was based on some French book.

AUDIENCE UNDER 18
What an original movie! We hope it wins an Oscar.

THE END

Disclosure

2005-05-09T00:10:00.000-04:00

Written by: The same guy who wrote...Jurassic Park?
Starring: Michael Douglas, Demi Moore, and...Dennis Miller?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Hey look, my ex-girlfriend Demi Moore is now my new boss. Don't you think that's strange, Dennis?

DENNIS MILLER
What the fuck am I doing in this movie?

DEMI MOORE
Hello, Michael. I'd like to have a private meeting with you in my office tonight. Dress comfortably...that is if you choose to dress at all.
(leaves)

DENNIS MILLER
Damn...given the chance, I'd be all over her like Michael Moore on a burrito. Definitely bangable. Of course, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEMI MOORE (in her office with Michael Douglas)
Thanks for coming. Let's skip the pleasantries.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Um, you're unbuttoning my pants.

DEMI MOORE
Yep.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I can't do this!

DEMI MOORE
Why not? Aren't I hotter than your wife? Did you turn gay?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don't know the answers to these questions. I must go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Hey Michael, Demi Moore is suing you for sexual harassment.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
What? But she sexually harassed me.

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Hah, that's a good one. What middle-aged man would refuse Demi Moore's advances?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I did.

SNIVELING IN-HOUSE LAWYER
Are you gay?

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don't know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MICHAEL DOUGLAS'S CHICK LAWYER
It's a good thing we found that secret recording that inadvertantly taped Demi Moore's conversation with you that night. Otherwise the plot of this movie couldn't have advanced.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
True, but I don't think this is over yet. Let me change into my virtual reality self and do some more investigating.

AUDIENCE
Wait...whaaat?

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VIRTUAL REALITY MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Oh no! There's Virtual Reality Demi Moore! She's trying to erase company records to set me up. There's only one way to fix this: I have to call India.

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DEMI MOORE
Michael, I just told everyone you're a terrible worker.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Oh yeah? Well take a look at this.
(shows the company a tape of Demi Moore being a terrible worker)

DEMI MOORE
Nooooooooo!! Oh well, you haven't seen the last of me.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I think the possibility of a sequel being made to this film is remote at best.

DEMI MOORE
Nevertheless, saying it makes my character sound cool.

THE END

Saving Private Ryan

2005-05-07T22:26:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Forrest Gump With A Machine Gun, Army Grunts, Evil Germans, and Matt Damon
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(U.S. Troops land on Omaha Beach and fight Evil Germans. Both sides suffer heavy losses.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Listen up you grunts in my squad, I've been assigned to retrieve some private stationed deep behind enemy lines. It won't be an easy mission. It's gonna be violent, it's gonna be painful, and it's gonna be exhausting...so who wants to come with?

(Silence.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Well too fucking bad, you're all coming. That's right, you just heard Forrest Gump say fuck.

(The squad advances through the French countryside. They start getting killed off one by one.)

PUSSY SOLDIER
Hey, this is like a Friday the 13th flick.

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
All right, I've had just about enough. Where's this guy we're supposed to save?

MATT DAMON
You mean me?

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
You gotta be kidding. We lost half our squad to save Matt fucking Damon?

BEN AFFLECK (appearing)
Look on the bright side; it could've been me!

MATT DAMON
So why'd you all come?

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
You're lucky. You get to go home because your three brothers were horribly killed in combat. Oops...I think my cold, wartime persona just kicked in again.

MATT DAMON
Well if they're all dead then I have no reason to go back, so I'm staying to help defend this bridge.

REMAINDER OF FORREST GUMP'S SQUAD (grumbling)
Prick...

(The squad stays and fights alongside Matt Damon to halt the Evil German offensive. They're outnumbered 200:1 and they all die except Matt Damon and Pussy Soldier.)

AUDIENCE
Great, the two most annoying guys survived.

(The movie advances to present day. We see a much older Matt Damon kneeling at the graves of the fallen squad.)

AUDIENCE
Well if there's any consolation, it's that Matt Damon is going to turn into one butt-ugly old man.

THE END

Independence Day

2005-05-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Fresh Prince, Fresh Prince's Stripper Girlfriend, Jewish TV Repairman, Jewish TV Repairman's Jewish Father, Boring President, Alcoholic Comedian, and A Very Gay Harvey Fierstein
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A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Why's there all this television interference?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Maybe it has something to do with those 15-mile wide alien space ships over our heads.

A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh Lord, what should we do?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well, according to my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP, the aliens are transmitting a countdown signal.

A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Wow, you can figure all this out but you still can't get me free HBO. What a world...

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ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Haha, look here. I'm the stock alcoholic who's wasted away his life and now lives a pathetic existence in a trailer-park. Please laugh at me.

ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
Look, spaceships!

ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Oh God, the aliens have come back for me! Wait...why should I be nervous? Finally something has come to put an end to my monotonous daily routine of flying my cropduster while binge drinking.

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BORING PRESIDENT
Hmm...aliens. Well, I'm sure they'll be peaceful.

(The aliens start blowing up shit.)

BORING PRESIDENT
Okay, that's enough for me. Let's high-tail Air Force One out of here.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Hi. I just wanted to tell you that the aliens are bad.

BORING PRESIDENT
Well, duh.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I was also hoping my dad and I could hitch a ride with you. And in the process perhaps I could reunite with my former wife, your current Press Secretary.

AUDIENCE
His former wife? Sure... We'd believe the alien plot-line before we'd buy that.

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FRESH PRINCE
I'm anxious to whoop E.T.'s ass!*

GENERIC FIGHTERPILOTS
Yeah!

(All the fighterpilots including Fresh Prince get involved in air combat with the aliens. Every pilot except Fresh Prince dies.)

FRESH PRINCE
Wow, that was close. Thankfully I survived. Otherwise, my girlfriend might have had to support herself by stripping. Oh wait, she already does.

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TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em! Nuke em!

(They nuke the aliens. It has no effect.)

TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em again! Nuke 'em again!

BORING PRESIDENT
No. We only nuked them the first time to demonstrate to the audience the futility of nuclear weapons.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well now what are we going to do?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN'S JEWISH FATHER
I know I'm only here for the occasional funny Jewish quip, but how about we fly that alien saucer in Area 51 to the mother ship and wreck some havoc?

BORING PRESIDENT
Who the hell's going to fly that?

FRESH PRINCE
I will.

BORING PRESIDENT
Who are you?

FRESH PRINCE
No time to explain.

BORING PRESIDENT
Fair enough.

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I'll come with you. I'll use my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP to upload a computer virus into the alien's central processor, thereby disabling all their communications and defenses.

BORING PRESIDENT
You can do that?

JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Not with an IBM Thinkpad. But with an APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP it'll be a piece of cake.

(Fresh Prince and Jewish TV Repairman fly the alien saucer to the mother-ship and disable its technology.)

BORING PRESIDENT
All right, time for me to personally shoot these suckers down. See, I'm not so boring after all.

(Boring President joins Alcoholic Comedian and the other fighter-pilots in fully equpped F-15s. They fight the aliens and win. Everyone is happy. There are fireworks. Fresh Prince marries his stripper girlfriend and Jewish TV Repairman is reunited with his former wife.)

APPLE SPOKESPERSON
We hope you enjoyed Independence Day. Please note how our APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP was used to save the world. Thank you and have a nice night.

THE END

* This line has not been altered from its film counterpart.

Mulholland Dr.

2005-05-06T08:55:00.000-04:00

Directed by: David Lynch
Starring: Two hot chicks and some very odd people
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HOT BRUNETTE
I think I was in a car accident, but I lost my memory.

HOT BLONDE
I'll help you figure out who you are.

(A bunch of crazy shit begins to happen.)

COWBOY
Yee-haw!

AUDIENCE
What the fuck is going on?

(Hot Brunette takes off her clothes.)

HOT BRUNETTE
Make out with me.

HOT BLONDE
All right.

(They start making out.)

AUDIENCE
Whoa, a lesbian scene! Who'da thunk it?

(A whole bunch of crazier shit happens. We think people die, but we're not sure.)

FILM SNOBS (lying)
Aha, we get it.

AUDIENCE
We don't. But there were hot, naked lesbians, so the movie must be genius.

THE END

A Few Good Men

2005-05-06T08:34:00.000-04:00

Directed by: Rob Reiner
Starring: Multiple JAG officers, a couple soldier murderers, and a Scary Colonel
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COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Hey, you've been assigned to represent two privates accused of murder.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Okay. By the way, you're hot.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Why did you kill that guy?

SOLDIER MURDERERS
We were ordered to give him a code red.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Hmm...this sounds interesting. Let's investigate it further.

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LT. KEVIN BACON, ESQ.
I'm the prosecutor. You should give up.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
I should hate you because you represent the bad side, but you also play softball with me, so I'm conflicted.

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LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Hey, I found our missing witness.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That's good.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
But he blew his brains out all over the wall.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That's bad.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
We should give up.

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
Wait. Let's call Scary Colonel to the stand and make him confess.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
That's a really dumb idea, but you're hot so it's okay.

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LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Scary Colonel, I want the truth!

COL. JACK NICHOLSON
You can't handle the truth!
(pause)
Well, that's all from me. Can I collect my paycheck and Oscar now?

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JURY
We find the defendants not guilty.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Hey, we won. So...what message does that send?

COM. DEMI MOORE, ESQ.
That it's okay to kill someone if you're stupid.

LT. TOM CRUISE, ESQ.
Just checking. Let's make out.

THE END

The Ring

2005-05-05T20:37:00.000-04:00

Directed by: The same guy who directed Pirates of the Carribean
Starring: MILF Reporter, Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend, Creepy Son, and Scary Little Girl
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TEENAGE CHICK 1
Hey, have you heard of that tape that kills you seven days after you see it?

TEENAGE CHICK 2
Heard of it? I watched it a week ago. I'm just kidding. No, I'm not.
(dies)

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MILF REPORTER
How did your daughter die?

MILF REPORTER'S SISTER
Heart attack.

MILF REPORTER
Then why does her face look like she was making out with a Hoover?

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MILF REPORTER
Haha, that killer tape theory is sure funny. I'll watch it for some laughs.
(does)
Okay, that was pretty fucked up.

(Phone rings. She picks it up.)

SCARY LITTLE GIRL (on phone)
Seven days.

MILF REPORTER
Talk about a prolonged death. Oh well. Now, in the ultimate act of revenge, I'll show this tape to the ex-boyfriend who took off after he knocked me up.

(does)

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CREEPY SON
This looks like a good Saturday night flick.
(watches the tape)

MILF REPORTER (walks in on him)
Noooooooooooooo! All right, now I must solve the mystery. First I'll go to the place where that freaky lighthouse is.

(She does. She talks to the locales who scare her but finds nothing. She goes back to the original cabin with her Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend.)

MOVIE GEEK EX-BOYFRIEND
An abandoned cabin? All right! 'Bout time I got a chance to tap dat ass again.

MILF REPORTER
Uh, no. We're here to solve the mystery and save our lives. Look! There's a well under the TV.
(peers over the ledge and falls in)
Oh no, this is where that scary little girl died! Oh wait, she's not scary; she's just misunderstood.

SCARY LITTLE GIRL
No, I'm scary.
(kills Movie Geek Ex-Boyfriend)

MILF REPORTER
Oh I see, you have to make a copy of the tape in order to survive.

AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Whatever. That little girl sure is scary.

FILM SNOBS
Bah! The original was better.
(quieter)
Okay, it wasn't.

THE END