The Happening

Directed by: M. Nighty Night
Starring: Marky Mark, Bug-Eyed Wife, and The Plants...That Came From Planet Earth!
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(Two chicks sit on a bench in Central Park, reading books.)

CHICK 1
I forgot where I am.

CHICK 2
You're in a Shyamalan movie!

CHICK 1
Oh sweet Jesus.
(stabs herself with a hairpin)

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(Marky Mark is a high school science teacher.  He's lecturing his students about honeybees.  They are either bored or stoned.)

MARKY MARK
Don't you care about the bees?

STUDENTS & AUDIENCE
No.

NICHOLAS CAGE
I do!  AHHHH, NOT THE BEEEEES!!

(The principal calls an emergency meeting of all teachers.)

PRINCIPAL
There appears to be an event happening.  Central Park was just hit by a terrorist attack.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Was it a bomb?

PRINCIPAL
No, it looks like a biological weapon that causes people to commit suicide in the stupidest ways possible.  It seems to target only the literate.

MARKY MARK
I dropped out of school when I was 14.

PRINCIPAL
Then you're safe.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO
I graduated high school.

PRINCIPAL
Then you'll die.

(He's right.)

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(People begin killing themselves.  In an attempt to escape "the happening", Marky Mark and Bug-Eyed Wife board a train heading west.  After an hour, the train abruptly stops.)

MARKY MARK (to Train Conductor)

Why did we stop?

CONDUCTOR

We've lost contact with everyone ahead, so service has been discontinued.  We're in Filbert, Pennsylvania.

MARKY MARK

Filbert?!  Does anybody know where that is?

CONDUCTOR

Pennsylvania.

MARKY MARK

Why are you giving me useless information?  What's going on here?  How can you lose contact?  Why do I suddenly sound like Jerry Seinfeld?  What's the difference between a high school teacher and a locomotive?  The teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo".

AUDIENCE

This is some of the worst dialogue imaginable.  We're only watching to see what the Shyamalan Patented Plot Twist will be.

(Marky Mark's group takes to the road.  They join up with a band of wanderers led by a military dude.)

MILITARY DUDE

I know the way to safety!

(He leads some of the group ahead.  Marky Mark and Bug-Eyed Wife fall behind.  Off in the distance in front they hear gunshots.)

MARKY MARK

Oh no...the suicide toxin is affecting them.

(More gunshots.)

BUG-EYED WIFE

We have to do something!

MARKY MARK

I need a second to think...

(More gunshots.)

BUG-EYED WIFE

You're supposed to be the smart one!  Tell us what to do!

MARKY MARK

I'm trying to apply the scientific method.  First, formulate a question...

(gunshots)

"Why are people shooting?" Good, got that.  Second, construct a hypothesis...

(gunshots)

"They are shooting because they are infected."  Third, make a prediction...

(gunshots)

"They are dying."  Okay, now I just need to test my theory...

BUG-EYED WIFE

Too late.  They're all dead.

MARKY MARK

Science worked!

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(In the middle of a field.)

MARKY MARK

I've figured out what's causing "the happening"!  Plants are releasing the suicide toxin.  They hate us because of man-made global warming.

BUG-EYED WIFE

That's ridiculous.

AL GORE (shows up)

Not at all.  It's what we in the know call "an inconvenient truth".  You see...nope, never mind, not even I can defend this shit.

(kills himself)

MARKY MARK

Oh no, the toxin is here.  Everyone, run!  Run from the wind!

(They do.  It is supposed to be an intense scene.  However, because wind is invisible, there is no suspense.)

MARKY MARK

Good, we made it to the home of Crazy Old Lady.  We're safe.

CRAZY OLD LADY

Not really, since as my name would suggest, I'm crazy.

MARKY MARK

I'll just talk to the plants and tell them we're nice.

(Marky Mark becomes The Plant Whisperer.  Now the plants like him, and he and Bug-Eyed Wife are spared.  There is no plot twist.)

MARKY MARK
And we lived happily ever after in harmony with nature.

(Credits roll.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ARE STILL AWAKE
Booooo!!

MICHAEL CRICHTON
Not only did this hack ripoff the premise of The Andromeda Strain, but he replaced it with junk science.  I've had enough.
(dies)

(The film is panned by all.  Even M. Nighty Night's fanboys abandon him.)

M. NIGHTY NIGHT
At least there's nowhere to go from here but up.

(He makes The Last Airbender, and goes down.)

THE END