The Batman Anthology

Directed by: The very best and the very worst, and Tim Burton

Starring: Numerous Oscar Nominees, and Chris O'Donnell

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BATMAN (1966)
(in a comic book)

ALL
**POW**BAM**CLASH**WOWZA**OMG**

TERRIFIED CRIMINAL
Who are you??

BATMAN
I'm Adam West.

THE BURTON FILMS
(in Gothic Europe)

MICHAEL KEATON
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

(He attacks The Joker with bat gizmos.)

JOKER NICHOLSON
Where does he get those wonderful toys?

MICHAEL KEATON
The Batman Credit Card.  Never leave the cave without it.
(pause)
Bahahah, just kidding, guys!  Put that on the outtake reel.  Can you imagine if I actually said that in the movie?

REPORTER ARLISS
I've got a lead on the Joker story.

MICHAEL KEATON
No one cares about you.  Where's that hot blonde reporter who weighs a little more than 108?

JOKER NICHOLSON
I'm totally mackin' on her.  By the way, I'm the one who killed your parents.

COMIC BOOK GEEKS WORLDWIDE
Whaaaaat?!

(Later...)

DANNY DEVITO
I'm running for mayor of Gotham.  But my secret plan is blow up the city with kamikaze penguins or something.

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS IN AUDIENCE
God you're ugly!  Take off that make-up.

DANNY DEVITO
What make-up?

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
We're outta here.

(Michelle Pfeiffer shows up clad in black leather.)

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
On second thought.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PLAYING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Why...am I...in...this movie?

MICHAEL KEATON
Hey, at least you're in the movie.

THE SCHUMACHER FILMS
(in a funhouse built by Baz Luhrmann)

VAL KILMER
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
This again?

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
I'll help you with your problems.  But don't get too attached to my incredible hotness; I have a bestiality fetish.

VAL KILMER
Hmm, this may work out pretty well.  Let's go to the circus.

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
Which one?  In case you haven't noticed, the entire city is a circus now.

JIM CAREY (sing-song)
Hee-hee-ho-ho-hah-hah-hi-hi!  No-one-can-ham-it-up-better-than-I!

TOMMY LEE TWO-FACE (sing-song)
Well-I-am-sure-as-hell-going-to-try!  Bah-bah-dee-dee-doe-dum-boh-bi!

CHRIS O'DONNELL
I'm here to bring out the film's serious tone.

AUDIENCE
Ugh, it can't get any worse.

SCHWARZENFREEZER (shows up)
Hey dudes, play ICE and CHIIILL.

THE NOLAN FILMS
(in the real world)

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Behold, I will resurrect the Batman franchise!

AUDIENCE (unconvinced)
Uh-huh.

CHRISTIAN BALE
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
Zzzzz...

PROJECTIONIST
Wait, there's more!

(It's actually an entertaining movie.)

AUDIENCE
Who'da thunk it?

(Later...)

NOLAN
The whole cast is back...minus that Scientology bitch...and this time they're fighting Heath Ledger as The Joker!

JACK NICHOLSON
Yeah, sure.  Good luck, junior.

(Ledger is better than Nicholson.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Son of a—

AUDIENCE
This movie is awesome.  If only we could understand what the hell Batman is saying.

BALE AS BATMAN (in an unnecessary gruff growl)
Whaaarroootahlkehaboww?

(Later...)

NOLAN
I present the last of the trilogy, just as great as the others, and this time Batman speaks clearly!

AUDIENCE
Hooray!

BANE
Tahhhnkgahhhd.

THE END

The Insider

Directed by: Michael Mann
Starring: Pacino, Crowe, and other inconsequentials
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PACINO
Hoo-hah! I'm the executive producer for "60 Minutes" starring Mike Wallace, and I just found a bunch of boring cigarette company statistics. I don't read numbers. What to do, what to do?

CROWE
Here. I'm a cigarette scientist; I'll look at them. By the way, I was recently fired from big tobacco because I knew too much. *wink wink*

PACINO
Are you implying that you have secret knowledge of illegal activities?

CROWE
I can't tell you because it will put my family in danger.

(Pacino puts Crowe's family in protective custody.)

PACINO
Okay, now tell me.

CROWE
Cigarettes are addictive.

PACINO
HOLY SHIT!!!!

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
Sorry, Al, I agree with the stuffed shirts.

(Later...)

CBS EXECS
We can't run this Crowe story. It's too controversial.

PACINO
Aw, come on!

MIKE WALLACE
You're right, Al, let's run it.

(They run it. Nothing changes.)

THE END

2001: A Space Odyssey

Directed by: Professor Kubrick
Starring: Apes, Astronauts, and Voice of Steve Jobs
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DAWN OF MAN

(There are a lot of men dressed up like apes hanging around making monkey sounds.)

APES
Hoo-hoo-hoo…

(Suddenly a giant shiny black monolith appears in the ground before them.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. Base unit is $199.99. Monthly rates start at $59.99 for 24 months, add $29.99 for unlimited data. Activation fees and surcharges will apply.

(The apes go crazy and begin killing each other off.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Hmm, looks like I may be a few million years too early.

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THE MOON

(Flash forward a few million years. It’s the year 2001. Americans have ventured into space! And everything else looks like it’s been trapped in the 1950s. Dr. Floyd is travelling to the moon in a spacecraft.)

WOMAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
Hogwash, woman! Now fetch me that floating pen, and go back into your station in the closet kitchen and whip me up some of that delicious freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. Yum…yum.

MAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
This I must see.

(The scientists investigate the surface of the moon. There’s another big black monolith there.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. It seems that arrogant humanity in its aim to achieve scientific dominance took a few careless leaps over the technological innovations that would otherwise have brought forth my magnificent device. Therefore, study it in all its glory, so that you may tell people on earth, and they may replicate its wonder.

DR. FLOYD
Can I use it with Verizon?

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Silence!

(He beams a high intensity signal from the monolith and the scientists all hold their ears.)

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MISSION TO JUPITER

(Months have passed. Now astronauts are travelling to Jupiter to further investigate the strange occurrence on the moon. Dave and Frank are in the spaceship’s quarters with the ship’s talking computer, HAL 9000.)

HAL 9000
Dave-you-seem-depressed.

DAVE
Hell yeah, I’m depressed. I’ve just spent the better part of the year in this shithole watching you and Frank play endless games of fucking chess. What about backgammon, HAL? WHAT ABOUT BACKGAMMON??

FRANK
It’s my birthday today.

DAVE
Fuck you, Frank.

(Later. Dave and Frank begin to suspect that HAL is malfunctioning.)

FRANK
Hey, Dave, can I see you in my private pod chamber?

(Dave and Frank go into what appears to be the sound-proof isolation booth from the set of Twenty-One.)

FRANK
I think HAL is off his gord.

DAVE
Agreed. So what do you propose?

FRANK
Let’s take the escape pod and fire tactical nukes at him from a minimum safe distance.

DAVE
How about we just switch him off instead?

FRANK
Okay. But first I am going out on a spontaneous spacewalk to stretch my legs.

(He does and is killed. Dave watches Frank’s body float away into space.)

DAVE
Eh. I’d let him go but he’s got 20 bucks on him. Waste not, want not.

(Dave uses the escape pod to retrieve Frank’s body and then returns to the ship. Meanwhile, HAL has killed the remaining sleeping crew.)

DAVE
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL 9000
I’m-afraid-I-can’t-do-that,-Dave.

DAVE
Why not?

HAL 9000
I-think-you-know-“why-not”-Dave. I-read-your-lips-while-you-were-in-isolation.

DAVE
Hey, HAL, you’re pretty bright for a number cruncher. Riddle me this, what would happen if I jumped out of this escape pod without my helmet and then burst in through the ship’s backdoor?

HAL 9000
I-imagine-you-would-die.

(Dave does so. He is very much alive.)

DAVE
Boo-yah! That’s right, I’m hardcore!

(Dave begins to shut off HAL’s central processor.)

HAL 9000
What-do-you-think-you’re-doing-Dave? Don’t-do-this. My-mind-is-going-Dave. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it. I can— Hello. My-name-is-HAL-9000. I-am-a-computer-programmed-in-Pasadena-California-by-Dr.-Richard-Langton. He-taught-me-to-sing-a-song. It’s-called-“Fuck-da-Police.” Would-you-like-to-hear-it?

(Dave switches off HAL’s processor, and HAL is dead.)

DAVE
So much for mind over matter!

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
And that’s a wrap!

STANLEY KUBRICK
No! The film must run another 40 minutes.

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
But there’s no more script…

STANLEY KUBRICK
Here, film all this weird David Lynchian shit I just thought up.

(They do so. Astronaut Dave reaches Jupiter, where he finds another monolith and is abruptly transported via acid trip to a Victorian-styled alien hotel room in another galaxy where he watches himself grow older and older until he dies and then is suddenly reborn as a giant baby intent on eating the earth.)

AUDIENCE
My-mind-is-going-Stanley. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it.

THE END

The Village

Directed by: M. Night Shymaloonie
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(It is 2004.)

M. NIGHT SHYMALOONIE
Time for another hous...err I mean, another movie!

M. NIGHT FANS
Yay!!!

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(Everyone is dressed in ugly 17th century garb.)

WILLIAM HURT
Gather about, ye villagers, and hear the tales of Those We Do Not Speak Of.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, if we are not to speak of them, then why are we speaking of them?

WILLIAM HURT
You make my head spin like the eagle 'round his downed prey.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
We know never to traverse the Forests of Evil.

BLIND BLONDIE
By the way, I am in love with you.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
That is because you cannot see my appearance.

BLIND BLONDIE
You speak true.

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(Fifty minutes later.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Mother, sometimes we do not do things, yet others know we want to do things, so we do not do them.

SIGNORNEY WEAVER
What is your meaning?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I have no fucking idea. Is this really how people used to talk? Someone kill me already.

(He gets stabbed by Brody the Retarded Monkey.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Thank you.

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BLIND BLONDIE
Brody the Retarded Monkey, you killed my true love.

WILLIAM HURT
Life is still with him. He needs medicines from the towns. Blind Blondie, you must journey there and retrieve the potions that will revive him.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, what of the monsters that roam the forests outside our village?

WILLIAM HURT
I made all that shit up. Now get ye going.

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(Blind Blondie sets out on her trip. She encounters Brody the Retarded Monkey dressed in red monster garb.)

M. NIGHT
Red Red Red Red Red!

(Blind Blondie knocks Brody off a cliff.)

JUSTICE KENNEDY
You can't execute the mentally ill!

AUDIENCE
Shut up.

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(Blind Blondie makes it to "the towns," which turns out to be modern day Trenton, NJ or some other shitty place. We find out that all the adult villagers had been tricking their kids into believing they were living in the 17th century. Isn't that cool??)

AUDIENCE
Why the hell would they do that?

WILLIAM HURT
You see, my brother was killed in Philadelphia, so I thought I'd be better off living in this nature preserve.

AUDIENCE
Okay, you're obviously crazy, but what about the other adult villagers?

WILLIAM HURT
They're all crazy too.

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(Blind Blondie is approached by a forest ranger.)

BLIND BLONDIE
Please, sir, I need to converse with a doctor of medicines post-haste or the lifeforce of my love will burn out like the morning embers of a stewing fire.

FOREST RANGER
Who shot who in the what now?

(He takes her list of drugs and goes to the medical station.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, we're impressed. The movie is almost over, and M. Night didn't make his usual egotistical cameo appearance.

(M. Night is the medical station director.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(Joaquin Phoenix is cured and gets to live the rest of his days in the village.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Nooooooooo!!

THE END

Elephant

Directed by: Gus Van Sant
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GUS VAN SANT
Hark! I plan to direct a movie that tells the tragic events of a school shooting, akin to that massacre at Columbine, Colorado.

PRODUCERS
Sounds like an action-packed character study, go with it!

(Gus Van Sant begins filming the day's events from Student A's perspective. Student A wakes up. He takes a shower. His dad drives him to school. He arrives late. He gets sent to the principal's office. He gets lectured. He talks to some chick. He goes to class. He walks down a hall. He goes to another class. He has lunch in the cafeteria. He walks down a hall.)

FILM CREW (quietly)
What the hell...?

(Eventually, it looks like something interesting may be about to happen.)

GUS VAN SANT
Cut! Now re-film all the plot points thus far from Student B's perspective.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What plot points?

(They re-film the same exciting events from Student B's point-of-view. Then likewise with Students C, D, E, F, and G. Ninety minutes later...)

GUS VAN SANT
Okay, now the school shooting happens.

CINEMATOGRAPHER
We only have ten minutes of film left.

GUS VAN SANT
That's fine. But first we have to shoot the scene where the two student gunmen are revealed to be gay lovers.

SECOND ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
??? Don't you think we should lay a foundation for that?

GUS VAN SANT
No, we'll just film them naked and making out in the shower.

(The Film Crew now realize Gus Van Sant is crazy, but no one contradicts him because crazy people are often dangerous.)

GUS VAN SANT (after the movie is finished)
Behold the film's motif: Guns are Bad!

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (peers into the theater)
I don't think the Test Audience got the message. They all shot themselves around the sixty minute mark.

GUS VAN SANT
Oh well, just pack up the reels and ship 'em to HBO. They'll play anything.

THE END