The Abyss: Director's Cut

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Rowdy Oil Drillers, Uptight Government Guys and Pussy Aliens
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GOVERNMENT GUY
Ed Harris, you and your team of Rowdy Oil Drillers need to go on a dangerous sci-fi mission for the U.S. government. And no, this isn't Armageddon.

ED HARRIS
That's a small relief.

GOVERNMENT GUY
You must investigate a nonresponsive government submarine that has drifted off-course. Here are a bunch of U.S. Navy Guys to go along with you. They will be led by your ex-wife. Hopefully, that will not present a problem.

ED HARRIS
Nah, good choice.

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Look what I brought: some liquid breathing apparatus. Lets you breathe at extreme depths.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
Will we need to use that on this mission?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Nah.

ROWDY OIL DRILLER
So why bring it?

SOME INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Just to get the panties of those bastards at PETA in a wad when I appear to drown your pet rat.
(He does.)
Good times.

(Later...)

ED HARRIS
Well, we've located the sub and everyone is dead. Also, my crazy ex-wife says she saw a alien swimming outside.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
That was no alien. It's a commie!

ED HARRIS
She said the alien was glowing.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Wait'll you see 'em glow after we launch this nuclear warhead!

ED HARRIS
Um, don't do that.

NAVY GUY MICHAEL BIEHN
Too late. The undersea pressure has driven me insane. At least, that's the logic this film has put out there to explain my erratic behavior. Now, buckle up for a nuclear winter!

(Navy Guy Michael Biehn arms the nuke but dies before he can launch it. The nuke drops off several miles into the underwater abyss.)

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Oops. Well, I guess we should all go back and tell our families we love them before the world ends.

ED HARRIS
Silence! I will save the day!

EVERYONE
*Gasp*

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
My hero.

(Ed Harris uses the liquid breathing apparatus and ventures down into the abyss...and down...and down...and......down. Finally, he locates the nuke.)

ED HARRIS (communicating with the sub)
GHSFJASWGQJWH'SJ

ED HARRIS'S CRAZY EX-WIFE
What's that?

INCONSEQUENTIAL NAVY GUY
Ah. I was afraid this might happen. He's gone insane. The world is doomed.

(Insane Ed Harris manages to disarm the nuke. Then he is abducted by underwater aliens and taken to alien prison.)

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER (approaches)
Hello, Ed.

ED HARRIS
Ralph Nader?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
That's right. We've been watching you for some time. And we have to say we're very disappointed with all the nuclear bombs the nations of the world have dropped recently...

ED HARRIS
You mean the two bombs that were dropped on Imperialist Japan almost fifty year ago?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
...all those nuclear bombs. Tsk-tsk. Now, in order to stop you from wiping out humanity with nuclear weapons, we will wipe out humanity with a mega-tsunami.

ED HARRIS
Really?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Nah, we're too pussy. Besides, I have to resurface to run my presidential campaign.

(The aliens bring everyone back to the surface.)

ED HARRIS
Wait...we never decompressed. Shouldn't we be dead?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
Yes, well, um, we decompressed you when you were in our custody.

ED HARRIS
What about my ex-wife and all the other divers?

HEAD ALIEN RALPH NADER
I sprinkled some pixie dust on them, ok? Now let's all give peace a chance.

THE END

Beetlejuice

Directed by: Tim Burton
Starring: Alec Baldwin, his Temper, Geena Davis, her Bad Hair, Winona Ryder, her Black Clothes, and Michael Keaton
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ALEC BALDWIN (to Geena Davis)
I love you. Let's go for a drive.

(They do.)

GEENA DAVIS
Oops, we crashed our car. Now we're dead.

(She's right.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Looks like we're confined to our house for eternity. If we step outside, we'll get eaten by those things from Tremors.

(Annoying Family moves in their house but can't see Alec Baldwin or Geena Davis since they're GHOSTS.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Bah, we hate Annoying Family. Beetlejuice, help us get rid of them!

BEETLEJUICE
Okay, but first I have to eat this bug and hit on your wife...not necessarily in that order.

GEENA DAVIS
Wait, we've had a change of heart. We like Annoying Family's Gothic Daughter and want to let them stay.

BEETLEJUICE
Too late, babe.

(Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis and Gothic Daughter outsmart Beetlejuice and send him to Tremors Land.)

(One week later...)

ALEC BALDWIN (checks his watch)
Where the hell is Gothic Daughter? We're trying to end this damn movie, and we've been waiting for her to get home from school for forty minutes! She's supposed to call if she'll be late!

(Gothic Daughter finally shows up.)

ALEC BALDWIN
Why didn't you call? You're late!

GOTHIC DAUGHTER
No, I'm not. Maybe you can't tell time.

ALEC BALDWIN (angrily to Gothic Daughter)
You see this watch? This watch cost more than your emo wardrobe. I made $970,000 last year; how much was your allowance? You see, kid, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice girl? I don't give a shit. Good daughter? Fuck you, go home and play with your decapitated Barbies. You want to show up late, CALL.

(Gothic Daughter starts to cry.)

GEENA DAVIS
Looks like you were too harsh. Let's cheer her up by doing that thing where she dances in midair to Harry Belafonte.

THE END

The Prestige

Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: A bunch of magicians and David Bowie
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WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Help me tie up my wife during the magic show so we can dunk her in this water tank and let her escape. But don't tie her knots too tight.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Okay.
(ties her knots too tight and she drowns)
Oops.

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Now I hate you and will devote my life to ruining your magic tricks.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Yeah? Well, I hate you and will devote my life to fucking with your head.

THE OLD MICHAEL CAINE
Also, I figure into this plot somehow.

(The Magnificent Bruce Wayne creates a nifty magic trick in which he appears to teleport across the stage.)

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
I must know how he does it. David Bowie, help me!

DAVID BOWIE
I'll help you, but understand that your obsession will only lead to your own doom.

WOLVERNINE THE GREAT
Blah, blah, blah. Just help me teleport shit.

(David Bowie builds him a cloning machine, allowing anyone who uses it to make perfect duplicates of himself. Wolverine the Great incorporates it into his act, making himself appear to teleport across the auditorium.)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT
Cool...but it might look a tad suspicious if I start walking around town with all these duplicates. Should I donate their bodies to science? Nah, I'll just drown 'em.

(He drowns one duplicate in a tank but is discovered by The Magnificent Bruce Wayne, who is then charged with Wolverine the Great's murder.)

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
Woe is me.
(gets hung)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (the one still alive)
It looks like everything is wrapped up into a nice little package.

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE (shows up)
Hi.
(shoots him)

WOLVERINE THE GREAT (dying)
Huh?! Aren't you dead?

THE MAGNIFICENT BRUCE WAYNE
No, that was my twin brother. See how the plot now makes sense?

AUDIENCE
Not really. How did that cloning machine work?

(Silence.)

SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Don't forget, I played a pivotal role in this film!

AUDIENCE (five minutes after the movie ends)
Too late.

THE END

The Wizard

Directed by: Todd Holland
Starring: Kevin Arnold, Autistic Bro, Wannabe Tough Chick, and LUCAS (he's so baaad)
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(By 1989, the Nintendo Company, Ltd. had reached great success with its Nintendo Entertainment System, popularizing domestic video game electronics once again. At the same time, however, the relevant market had plateaued. Nintendo needed new and innovative products to grab the consumers' attention and pocketbooks. Enter the Power Glove, the Power Pad and R.O.B. the Robot, the crappiest video game perephrials in the history of consumer electronics. So crappy, in fact, that the company needed far longer than a thirty second TV spot to infuse them into the gaming public. It was in this climate that The Wizard was born.)

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
What about it?

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
Cowabunga.

AUTISTIC BRO
California...

KEVIN ARNOLD
God—if I take you to California, will you please shut up?

(They travel to California. Along the way they meet up with Wannabe Tough Chick.)

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
Look how street smart I am. All my friends are smelly truckers.

KEVIN ARNOLD
Glad to meet you. I'm that dork from The Wonder Years, and this is my retarded brother.

WANNABE TOUGH CHICK
But he's good at video games. That means he's a genius.

SHADOWY NINTENDO AGENTS
Enough character development. More Nintendo products.

(They show Autistic Bro playing many different Nintendo games. He decides to enter a video game tournament.)

LUCAS (shows up)
Not so fast, pussy. First you gotta show me your skills.

(Lucas whips out a sweaty, gray, synthetic hand puppet called the Power Glove and begins playing Nintendo games with it. He schools all their asses. Dramatic close-up shot of Lucas's solemn face.)



LUCAS
I love the Power Glove...it's so bad.

FILM HISTORIANS
And with that, the single greatest line in video game movie history was uttered.

(Autistic Bro goes on to win the video game tournament, which was accomplished by playing Super Mario Bros 3 as crappily as possible. Then they all go home.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
I'm worried that audiences might see this flick as a ninety minute Nintendo commercial.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Frankly, I'm more concerned they'll realize it's nothing more than a watered-down, teenage clone of last year's Rain Man.

THE END

King Kong

Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, and Jack Black (who is not King Kong)
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UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Okay, we're going to do King Kong! And we're going to make it an epic tearjerking blockbuster!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Excellent! Who's on board?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Academy Award Winner for Best Director, Peter Jackson...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Great.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Academy Award Winner for Best Actor, Adrian Brody...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wonderful.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...Acadamy Award Nominee for Best Actress, Naomi Watts...

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
Fantastic!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
...and Jack Black.

(Silence.)

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
What Acadamy Award did he win?

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Err...none. But he was nominated for a golden globe.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 3
A golden globe? They're the Buzz Aldrin of film awards!

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Wait...we still might be okay.
(to Exec 1)
I assume you cast him in the comic sidekick part.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 1
Actually, we decided to give him the leading serious role.

UNIVERSAL EXEC 2
Never mind. We're screwed.

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(They cautiously film the movie, ever mindful of their casting blunder.)

JACK BLACK
I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of savage natives show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Huh? Where'd they come from?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the savage natives and win.)

JACK BLACK
As I was saying: I think—

(Suddenly, a bunch of velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Is this Jurassic Park now?

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the velociraptors, T-Rexes and brontosauruses and win.)

JACK BLACK
We must keep—

(Suddenly, a bunch of giant bugs show up.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
I'm sensing a pattern here.

PRODUCERS
Just go with it.

(The actors fight the giant bugs and win.)

JACK BLACK (breaking "character")
Can I finally say a line now?

PRODUCERS
No. We have to cut to our main plotline: Jimmy and his Token Black Guy Mentor.
(They do.)

JIMMY
Jeepers creepers, Mr. Black Guy Mentor: why is this book called Heart of Darkness?

TOKEN BLACK GUY MENTOR
Well you see, Jimmy, there's a heart in each of us. A heart of DARKNESS. In some, it's kept well hidden. But the darkness is still there, Jimmy, deep within our hearts. Restless. Trying to escape. And so we press forth in spite of this dark force within us in our feeble attempts to tame the HEART, if you will, of our DARKNESS.

OTHER ACTORS
What the hell? Isn't this movie supposed to be about a giant ape?

PRODUCERS
Oh right. How much time has passed already?

OTHER ACTORS
Like two hours.

PRODUCERS
Hmm. Guess we should bring him out soon then.

(King Kong shows up and falls in love with Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts falls in love with King Kong.)

JACK BLACK
It appears that—

PRODUCERS
Look! King Kong is attacking! No time to speak!

(There is a fight scene. The actors defeat King Kong, rendering him unconscious.)

ACTORS
Hooray!

FORREST GUMP JR.
Let's bring him to New York and put him on Broadway! Maybe we can finally bump out Phantom!

ACTORS
Hooray!

(They follow through with their plan, which goes horribly wrong. King Kong escapes and lays waste to the city.)

STEPHEN SPIELBERG (watching)
Pfft. Way to steal my oh-so-original plotline from The Lost World. Amateurs.

(King Kong is shot and killed, but not before making mental love with Naomi Watts.)

JACK BLACK (standing over the body)
T'was beauty who killed the—

PRODUCERS
Roll credits!

THE END