The Crucible

Starring: 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco, 17th Century Amy Fisher, and Crazy Puritans
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WHINY MINISTER (at his unconscious daughter's bedside)
Oh God, how could my niece and daughter have danced in the woods...NAKED?! My career is over!

AUDIENCE
Please...we've seen more nudity on The Disney Channel.

(Whiny Minister leaves. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Amy Fisher enter.)

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Kiss me! Make love to me!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo yo, I know we had our thing, but I'm married. I'm a blue-collar workin' man and gotta stay true to my family from now on.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Gimme a break, Joey. I saw you spyin' on me in the woods.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Look, you got a hot bod and all, but I can't do this to my wife.

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
She's standing in the way of our love! I'm gonna mess her up!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You're wacked.

(Whiny Minister, Angry Minister, and Puritans enter.)

ANGRY MINISTER (sees the unconscious girl)
My God, this is the devil's work!

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
That's right! She's been possessed! And I know who the witch is...his wife!
(points to 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Yo, don't go there!

ANGRY MINISTER
Grrrrr! Let's get her!

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(The Buttafuoco residence...)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Mary Jo, the town's coming after ya because Amy Fisher accused you of witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
What'd I tell ya, Joey? I don't want you hangin' around that girl no more.

(Crazy Puritans show up with torches and pitchforks.)

CRAZY PURITANS
There she is!! Burn her!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Aw, shit.

(The Crazy Puritans take 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco before Mean Old Judge.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, you're wife's been accused of witchcraft. What do you have to say?

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
It's all a sham! That Amy Fisher chick is fucked up.

CRAZY PURITANS
Booooooooo!!

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Sorry, the mob has spoken.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Okay, you want to know the truth? Amy's just jealous 'cause we used to do the horizontal limbo before I finally dumped her. And good riddens. That chick's hot, but she's messed up in the head, yo.

MEAN OLD JUDGE (to 17th Century Amy Fisher)
Is there any truth to this?

17TH CENTURY AMY FISHER
Nope. He's just lying cause he's a witch too.

CRAZY PURITANS
Burn him!!

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Man, I'm being set up by a Long Island lolita!

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(Months have passed. 17th Century Joey Buttafuoco and 17th Century Mary Jo Buttafuoco are in jail.)

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Rumor is they're gonna hang me in a couple minutes.

17TH CENTURY MARY JO BUTTAFUOCO
Aw Joey, I always believed in you.

ANGRY MINISTER
Me too.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
You? But you're the guy who had me arrested.

ANGRY MINISTER
Yes, but I've had an unpredictable change of heart.

(Mean Old Judge and Crazy Puritans show up.)

MEAN OLD JUDGE
Joey Buttafuoco, we decided we'll let you live if you publicly confess to witchcraft.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Fine, fuck it. I'm a witch.

AUDIENCE
Huh? That's not supposed to happen. He's supposed to say he can't live without his name.

17TH CENTURY JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
Are you kiddin' me? My name's Buttafuoco for Chrissake. I think I can do without it.

THE END