The Exorcist

Starring: Screwed-Up Kid, Her Mom, Father-Dee and Father-Dum
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(In an obscure and lengthy prologue, a young Father Merrin goes trotting through Iraq and finds the Devil or something.)

AUDIENCE
Why is the Devil in Iraq?

TREY PARKER, MATT STONE AND SADDAM HUSSEIN
Makes sense to us.

(Several years later in Washington D.C....)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my darling daughter, kindly take care of yourself while I concentrate on my acting career.

REGAN
Okay.

(She does and promptly gets possessed by the Devil.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my dear, I'm a bit concerned with the way you've been cursing and pissing yourself lately. Also, yesterday when you spider-walked down the stairs and spat blood, I shat my pants.

POSSESSED REGAN
Let Jesus fuck you!

ELLEN BURSTYN
Uh huh. I think I'll let my friend Burke have a look at you.

BURKE
Sure.
(dies)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Karras.

(Father Karras shows up.)

FATHER KARRAS
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Merrin.

(Father Merrin shows up.)

FATHER MERRIN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Jesus.

(Jesus shows up. Possessed Regan begins puking green slime and masturbating with a crucifix.)

JESUS
Whoa, I'm outta here!

FATHER MERRIN (to Possessed Regan)
Who are you??!!

POSSESSED REGAN
I go by many names, but you can call me Captain Howdy.

FATHER KARRAS
Well, there goes any suspense we were trying to build.

FATHER MERRIN
Wait a second...I remember you now! I saw you in Iraq. You're the Devil! My God...the Devil is here in Washington D.C.!

HUGO CHAVEZ
That's what I've been trying to tell you people!!

POSSESSED REGAN
Karras, your mother sucks cocks in hell!

FATHER KARRAS
Really? Is she any good?

POSSESSED REGAN
Uh....ok, you called my bluff.

(There is a massive battle between the priests and the Devil. However, we have no idea what is happening or who is winning.)

FATHER MERRIN AND FATHER KARRAS
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
(pause)
The power of Christ compels you!

(The priests continue to repeat the same line until the Devil goes insane and takes off. Both priests die, but Regan is saved.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
So the Devil only needed to be loved...

REGAN
What? That's not what happened at all. Haven't you been paying attention?

ELLEN BURSTYN
Not really. I've been concentrating on my third divorce. How'd that whole exorcism thing go?

WARNER STUDIOS EXECS (checking the box office gross)
Very well, apparently.

(Thirty-five years later...)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Now that I've irreperably tarnished an H.G. Wells masterpiece, I'm ready for another half-assed remake of a classic. How about The Exoricst? I'll cast Dakota Fanning as the lead.

(The general public pukes green slime.)

THE END

The Ring Two

Directed by: Japanese Guy Who Directed the Original Original
Starring: MILF Reporter, Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act, "Scary Little" Girl, Sissy Spacek, and Inconsequential People (Who Die)
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(After the events of the first film, MILF Reporter and her Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act have moved from Seattle to Oregon.)

MILF REPORTER (relieved)
It looks like we escaped Scary Little Girl and her tape just in time!

(Scary Little Girl and her tape show up in Oregon and kill some Inconsequential People, except now Scary Little Girl is neither scary nor little.)

NAOMI WATTS
Huh? Why isn't she scary anymore?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Since filiming the Japanese original, Mr. Nakata has now learned of the art that you Americans call C.G.I. He is very happy with this C.G.I. and shall use it often.

(Hideo Nakata makes good on his promise. Also, instead of having genuinely scary scenes, "Scary Little" Girl now jumps up from behind people a la Michael Myers.)

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Hello, mother. Can I make you some coffee before you head to work?

MILF REPORTER
What's happened to you? You never used to treat me with respect.

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Can't you tell from my acting?

MILF REPORTER
Not really. Unless you're trying to play a stoned Haley Joel Osment. Then you're doing a pretty good job.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Mr. Nakata has just seen the classic film you Americans call "The Omen." He enjoyed very much the scene with the baboons attacking the demon child and mother in the car. It would please him to rip-of...er, pay homage to the scene by shooting it for this film.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
I'm not sure baboons run wild in Oregon. How about we use deer instead?

(They go to film the scene. No deer show up.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
What happened?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Sir, it appears the deer caught wind that this movie will flop and have migrated east to warn their other animal friends.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
In that case, we shall just use more of your American C.G.I. No one will be able to tell the difference.

(They film the scene. It looks terrible and everyone can tell the difference.)

MILF REPORTER
My son is possessed by "Scary Little" Girl, I think...I can't really tell from his acting. I need to talk to someone who understands my problem.

(A mental ward attendant leads MILF Reporter to a cell containing Sissy Spacek, who is busy cutting construction paper.)

MILF REPORTER
Oh, it's "Scary Little" Girl's mother! Maybe she can help me!

ATTENDANT
No...that's really Sissy Spacek. This is where the studio's kept her ever since Blast from the Past. Alicia Silverstone's in the next cell.

(MILF Reporter decides to "save" her son by drowning him in the bathtub.)

ANDREA YATES (to MILF Reporter)
You'll be alright. Just tell them you're a loony-toon. Works wonders.

(Her son wakes up and is no longer possessed by "Scary Little" Girl.)

MILF REPORTER
Thank God, my real son is back! Now maybe he can act again!

CREEPY SON WHO STILL CAN'T ACT
What-was-that-you-said-Rachel?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Enough plot/character development! More C.G.I.!!!

(They film the rest of the movie with C.G.I. Hideo Nakata views the finished product.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Behold! A work of art!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1 (to Production Assistant 2)
Should any of us tell him that we don't have any clue what actually happens in this movie?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2
No need. I'm pretty sure he has no idea either.

THE END

The Big Blue

Directed by: Luc Besson
Starring: A German playing a Frenchman and a Frenchman who may or may not also be a Spaniard playing an Italian
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ENZO
I am the greatest free-diver in the world!

ENZO'S KID BROTHER
What about that dolphin-lovin' dude who always beat you when we were kids?

ENZO
Bring him to me and I shall defeat him!

(Jacques Mayol shows up.)

JACQUES MAYOL
Enzo, I have zero interest in competing against you. I'm very content with my current job of recovering sunken oil tanker machinery in the Arctic Sea for minimum wage.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE (to Jacques Mayol)
You're cute.

JACQUES MAYOL
Okay, I'll do it. Let the free-diving contest begin!

NINETY PERCENT OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell is free-diving?

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(Time passes as both men prepare for the World Free-Diving Championship. Jacques Mayol and Rosanna Arquette start a relationship.)

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
You seem distant. There's someone else, isn't there?

JACQUES MAYOL
If you must know...yes.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
What does she have that I don't?!

JACQUES MAYOL
Fins, for one. Also, she can breathe out of the top of her head.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
Don't tell me you've been having an affair with a dolphin.

JACQUES MAYOL
Don't be ridiculous. Now onto a completely different topic, I'm going to take a swim. Have you seen my waterproof condoms anywhere?

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(Jacques Mayol beats Enzo in the World Free-Diving Championship.)

ENZO
I would rather kill myself than come in second place.

(He does.)

JACQUES MAYOL (to Rosanna Arquette)
My life sucks. Come with me to the pier so I can drown myself.

(She does and he does.)

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Booo! He's cute. We want him to live.

(American filmmakers change the ending so now, instead of drowning, Jacques Mayol swims off into the moonlight with his dolphin girlfriend.)

THE REAL JACQUES MAYOL (watching)
What the fuck?

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Hooray!

GUYS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Zzzzzzz...

THE END

Leviathan

Starring: Robocop, Brooke Shields Clone, Ghettobuster, Washed-Up TV Star and Voice of Kevin Arnold
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(An underwater mining team finds a slimy genetic mutation in a submerged Russian sub.)

ROBOCOP (calling the surface)
Help! A slimy genetic mutation is attacking us! It just ate the guy who does the adult voice of that wuss from "The Wonder Years"!

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE (over the radio)
We'd like to help, honest. But there's this really bad hurricane up here. Yeah, it sucks. Won't be able to send a rescue ship for a few days.

ROBOCOP
Hurricane? But isn't it springtime?

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Gotta go. *Click*

ROBOCOP (to the others)
The Compan...err Corporation has left us for dead. We'll have to fend for ourselves. The creature appears to be hiding in the dark areas of the ship. I'll take this flame thrower. You guys take these other weapons. Let's split up and find it. If we can't kill it, we'll have to abandon ship by way of the portable shuttle.

WASHED-UP TV STAR PLAYING THE DOCTOR
Sounds like a plan. For my part, I will turn on all of you and sabatoge our escape efforts.

GRUNGY MINER
Hey, one of the monsters is inside me and about to burst out of my chest.

GHETTOBUSTER
Wait, does all of this remind anyone else of that famous sci-fi horror movie, also involving a group of miners, where...

THE DIRECTOR
Uh oh, they're onto us. Better throw them off the scent.

(The monster from The Thing shows up.)

GHETTOBUSTER
Hmm...never mind.

(The monster eats everyone except Robocop and the hot girl, who escape to the surface.)

BROOKE SHIELDS CLONE
Welcome back. I knew you'd make it.

(Robocop punches her in the face.)

TOM CRUISE (in the audience)
Yeah! Take that, bitch!

KATIE HOLMES
You know, that isn't Brooke Shields.

TOM CRUISE
Damn.

THE END

House of Wax

Starring: Kim Bauer, Famous Slut, Dumbass Guys and Waxface
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DUMBASS GUY NO. 1
Hey let's drive across the country to see a nondescript football game for some reason.

OTHER DUMBASSES
Yeah!

FAMOUS SLUT
Sounds hot. By the way, I'm pregnant.

(They take two cars. It gets dark.)

KIM BAUER (staring out the window)
OMG, look!

(They look out the window. In the other car, Famous Slut is giving a Dumbass No. 1 road head.)

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What, it's just Paris Hilton giving a blowjob.

DUMBASS WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA
I have to get this on tape!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
Why? Don't you already have it saved on your hard drive?

KIM BAUER
Look, there's a spooky campground where we can sleep for the night.

(They do. The next morning they are visited by the Redneck from Deliverance.)

REDNECK FROM DELIVERANCE
Howdy-do, youngens. Any'un care to join me for some roadkill stew? It'll be good eatin'.

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Um, no thanks, but can you give Kim and I a ride to town? Our car has mysteriously broken down.

(Redneck from Deliverance does, during which time he constantly leers at Kim Bauer's breasts)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Meh, I can't blame you.

(They arrive at town.)

KIM'S PRETTY-BOY LOVER
Hey, look. There's a House of Wax. Let's go investigate.

(He does. And then Waxface turns him into a wax dummy.)

KIM BAUER
Help help!!

KIM'S DEADBEAT BROTHER
What is it?

KIM BAUER
Crazy twin brothers have turned all the people in town into wax figures!! Also, I think I just saw a cougar.

(Meanwhile, Waxface has killed the other Dumbasses. He chases Famous Slut into some industrial building by the campground that wasn't there the night before. Then he throws a steel beam through her head. Famous Slut dies a gruesome death.)

AUDIENCE (cheering in unison)
Hooray!!!

GUY IN AUDIENCE
That's one pole she won't be dancing with.

(Meanwhile, Kim's Deadbeat Brother shoots Waxface's Brother/Lover in the heart with a crossbow. Depressed, Waxface's Brother/Lover returns home.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Hi, honey, I'm back. What a day!

(Waxface, concerned, tries to take the arrow out of his brother's chest.)

WAXFACE'S BROTHER/LOVER
Don't bother. It's only a flesh wound.

(Meanwhile, Kim Bauer and her Deadbeat Brother set fire to the House (Made) of Wax, which is flammable for some reason. The crazy brothers die and the house turns into goo.)

(The next morning, Hillbilly Sheriff and his deputies show up.)

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
So those two crazies turned everybody into a wax dummy, huh? Who'da thunk it?

KIM BAUER
Didn't you ever bother to check on the dozens of people during the past thirty years who entered this town and never returned?

HILLBILLY SHERIFF
Nah, we let 'em be. Figured they were Unitarians.

THE END

The Rock

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Underdog Hero, The "Good" Bond, Sympathetic Terrorists, Incompetant Marines and Incompetant Government Suits
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"HOLLYWOOD PICTURES" CREW (singing)
"We're off to make a Michael Bay film! A wonderfully long Michael Bay film! Because because because because...Jerry Bruckheimer told us to!"

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Let's see if we've covered all the bases. Do we have woefully unqualified and underresourced heroes fighting against all practical odds?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
A hot chick with no infulence over the plot whose only purpose is to look worried?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Incompetant government suits who make the wrong move at every turn?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Creative deaths that defy plausibility?

MICHAEL BAY
We have one guy who chomps down on a nerve gas capsule. Also, Candyman gets launched off the island via missle.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Pointless destruction and lots of shit blowing up?

MICHAEL BAY
Whoops, forgot that one. Hold on.
(films a twenty minute car chase scene where Underdog Hero and Incompetant Suits pursue the escaped "Good" Bond, who causes millions of dollars in property damage and then abruptly changes his mind and gives himself up, thus rendering the scene moot)
I think we're good to go.

MICHAEL BIEHN
Okay, I'll admit it. I haven't been in a good film since the the bastards at Fox prematurely killed me off in the Alien franchise. Hopefully, I'll be in this movie long enough to jump start my career back to life.

(Michael Biehn dies after five minutes of screen time.)

MICHAEL BIEHN
What the... (profanity-laden tirade removed)

THE END