The Batman Anthology

Directed by: The very best and the very worst, and Tim Burton

Starring: Numerous Oscar Nominees, and Chris O'Donnell

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BATMAN (1966)
(in a comic book)

ALL
**POW**BAM**CLASH**WOWZA**OMG**

TERRIFIED CRIMINAL
Who are you??

BATMAN
I'm Adam West.

THE BURTON FILMS
(in Gothic Europe)

MICHAEL KEATON
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

(He attacks The Joker with bat gizmos.)

JOKER NICHOLSON
Where does he get those wonderful toys?

MICHAEL KEATON
The Batman Credit Card.  Never leave the cave without it.
(pause)
Bahahah, just kidding, guys!  Put that on the outtake reel.  Can you imagine if I actually said that in the movie?

REPORTER ARLISS
I've got a lead on the Joker story.

MICHAEL KEATON
No one cares about you.  Where's that hot blonde reporter who weighs a little more than 108?

JOKER NICHOLSON
I'm totally mackin' on her.  By the way, I'm the one who killed your parents.

COMIC BOOK GEEKS WORLDWIDE
Whaaaaat?!

(Later...)

DANNY DEVITO
I'm running for mayor of Gotham.  But my secret plan is blow up the city with kamikaze penguins or something.

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS IN AUDIENCE
God you're ugly!  Take off that make-up.

DANNY DEVITO
What make-up?

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
We're outta here.

(Michelle Pfeiffer shows up clad in black leather.)

HORMONAL TEEN BOYS
On second thought.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PLAYING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Why...am I...in...this movie?

MICHAEL KEATON
Hey, at least you're in the movie.

THE SCHUMACHER FILMS
(in a funhouse built by Baz Luhrmann)

VAL KILMER
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
This again?

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
I'll help you with your problems.  But don't get too attached to my incredible hotness; I have a bestiality fetish.

VAL KILMER
Hmm, this may work out pretty well.  Let's go to the circus.

DR. NICOLE KIDMAN
Which one?  In case you haven't noticed, the entire city is a circus now.

JIM CAREY (sing-song)
Hee-hee-ho-ho-hah-hah-hi-hi!  No-one-can-ham-it-up-better-than-I!

TOMMY LEE TWO-FACE (sing-song)
Well-I-am-sure-as-hell-going-to-try!  Bah-bah-dee-dee-doe-dum-boh-bi!

CHRIS O'DONNELL
I'm here to bring out the film's serious tone.

AUDIENCE
Ugh, it can't get any worse.

SCHWARZENFREEZER (shows up)
Hey dudes, play ICE and CHIIILL.

THE NOLAN FILMS
(in the real world)

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Behold, I will resurrect the Batman franchise!

AUDIENCE (unconvinced)
Uh-huh.

CHRISTIAN BALE
I'm depressed because my parents were murdered when I was young.

AUDIENCE
Zzzzz...

PROJECTIONIST
Wait, there's more!

(It's actually an entertaining movie.)

AUDIENCE
Who'da thunk it?

(Later...)

NOLAN
The whole cast is back...minus that Scientology bitch...and this time they're fighting Heath Ledger as The Joker!

JACK NICHOLSON
Yeah, sure.  Good luck, junior.

(Ledger is better than Nicholson.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Son of a—

AUDIENCE
This movie is awesome.  If only we could understand what the hell Batman is saying.

BALE AS BATMAN (in an unnecessary gruff growl)
Whaaarroootahlkehaboww?

(Later...)

NOLAN
I present the last of the trilogy, just as great as the others, and this time Batman speaks clearly!

AUDIENCE
Hooray!

BANE
Tahhhnkgahhhd.

THE END