The Village

Directed by: M. Night Shymaloonie
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(It is 2004.)

M. NIGHT SHYMALOONIE
Time for another hous...err I mean, another movie!

M. NIGHT FANS
Yay!!!

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(Everyone is dressed in ugly 17th century garb.)

WILLIAM HURT
Gather about, ye villagers, and hear the tales of Those We Do Not Speak Of.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, if we are not to speak of them, then why are we speaking of them?

WILLIAM HURT
You make my head spin like the eagle 'round his downed prey.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
We know never to traverse the Forests of Evil.

BLIND BLONDIE
By the way, I am in love with you.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
That is because you cannot see my appearance.

BLIND BLONDIE
You speak true.

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(Fifty minutes later.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Mother, sometimes we do not do things, yet others know we want to do things, so we do not do them.

SIGNORNEY WEAVER
What is your meaning?

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I have no fucking idea. Is this really how people used to talk? Someone kill me already.

(He gets stabbed by Brody the Retarded Monkey.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Thank you.

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BLIND BLONDIE
Brody the Retarded Monkey, you killed my true love.

WILLIAM HURT
Life is still with him. He needs medicines from the towns. Blind Blondie, you must journey there and retrieve the potions that will revive him.

BLIND BLONDIE
But father, what of the monsters that roam the forests outside our village?

WILLIAM HURT
I made all that shit up. Now get ye going.

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(Blind Blondie sets out on her trip. She encounters Brody the Retarded Monkey dressed in red monster garb.)

M. NIGHT
Red Red Red Red Red!

(Blind Blondie knocks Brody off a cliff.)

JUSTICE KENNEDY
You can't execute the mentally ill!

AUDIENCE
Shut up.

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(Blind Blondie makes it to "the towns," which turns out to be modern day Trenton, NJ or some other shitty place. We find out that all the adult villagers had been tricking their kids into believing they were living in the 17th century. Isn't that cool??)

AUDIENCE
Why the hell would they do that?

WILLIAM HURT
You see, my brother was killed in Philadelphia, so I thought I'd be better off living in this nature preserve.

AUDIENCE
Okay, you're obviously crazy, but what about the other adult villagers?

WILLIAM HURT
They're all crazy too.

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(Blind Blondie is approached by a forest ranger.)

BLIND BLONDIE
Please, sir, I need to converse with a doctor of medicines post-haste or the lifeforce of my love will burn out like the morning embers of a stewing fire.

FOREST RANGER
Who shot who in the what now?

(He takes her list of drugs and goes to the medical station.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, we're impressed. The movie is almost over, and M. Night didn't make his usual egotistical cameo appearance.

(M. Night is the medical station director.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(Joaquin Phoenix is cured and gets to live the rest of his days in the village.)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
Nooooooooo!!

THE END

Elephant

Directed by: Gus Van Sant
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GUS VAN SANT
Hark! I plan to direct a movie that tells the tragic events of a school shooting, akin to that massacre at Columbine, Colorado.

PRODUCERS
Sounds like an action-packed character study, go with it!

(Gus Van Sant begins filming the day's events from Student A's perspective. Student A wakes up. He takes a shower. His dad drives him to school. He arrives late. He gets sent to the principal's office. He gets lectured. He talks to some chick. He goes to class. He walks down a hall. He goes to another class. He has lunch in the cafeteria. He walks down a hall.)

FILM CREW (quietly)
What the hell...?

(Eventually, it looks like something interesting may be about to happen.)

GUS VAN SANT
Cut! Now re-film all the plot points thus far from Student B's perspective.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What plot points?

(They re-film the same exciting events from Student B's point-of-view. Then likewise with Students C, D, E, F, and G. Ninety minutes later...)

GUS VAN SANT
Okay, now the school shooting happens.

CINEMATOGRAPHER
We only have ten minutes of film left.

GUS VAN SANT
That's fine. But first we have to shoot the scene where the two student gunmen are revealed to be gay lovers.

SECOND ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
??? Don't you think we should lay a foundation for that?

GUS VAN SANT
No, we'll just film them naked and making out in the shower.

(The Film Crew now realize Gus Van Sant is crazy, but no one contradicts him because crazy people are often dangerous.)

GUS VAN SANT (after the movie is finished)
Behold the film's motif: Guns are Bad!

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (peers into the theater)
I don't think the Test Audience got the message. They all shot themselves around the sixty minute mark.

GUS VAN SANT
Oh well, just pack up the reels and ship 'em to HBO. They'll play anything.

THE END