2001: A Space Odyssey

Directed by: Professor Kubrick
Starring: Apes, Astronauts, and Voice of Steve Jobs
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DAWN OF MAN

(There are a lot of men dressed up like apes hanging around making monkey sounds.)

APES
Hoo-hoo-hoo…

(Suddenly a giant shiny black monolith appears in the ground before them.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. Base unit is $199.99. Monthly rates start at $59.99 for 24 months, add $29.99 for unlimited data. Activation fees and surcharges will apply.

(The apes go crazy and begin killing each other off.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Hmm, looks like I may be a few million years too early.

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THE MOON

(Flash forward a few million years. It’s the year 2001. Americans have ventured into space! And everything else looks like it’s been trapped in the 1950s. Dr. Floyd is travelling to the moon in a spacecraft.)

WOMAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
Hogwash, woman! Now fetch me that floating pen, and go back into your station in the closet kitchen and whip me up some of that delicious freeze-dried astronaut ice cream. Yum…yum.

MAN WITH BAD 50s HAIRDO
Dr. Floyd, there’s talk that some scientists have found proof of alien life on the moon’s surface.

DR. FLOYD
This I must see.

(The scientists investigate the surface of the moon. There’s another big black monolith there.)

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Behold! I bring you the IPHONE. It seems that arrogant humanity in its aim to achieve scientific dominance took a few careless leaps over the technological innovations that would otherwise have brought forth my magnificent device. Therefore, study it in all its glory, so that you may tell people on earth, and they may replicate its wonder.

DR. FLOYD
Can I use it with Verizon?

THE VOICE OF STEVE JOBS
Silence!

(He beams a high intensity signal from the monolith and the scientists all hold their ears.)

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MISSION TO JUPITER

(Months have passed. Now astronauts are travelling to Jupiter to further investigate the strange occurrence on the moon. Dave and Frank are in the spaceship’s quarters with the ship’s talking computer, HAL 9000.)

HAL 9000
Dave-you-seem-depressed.

DAVE
Hell yeah, I’m depressed. I’ve just spent the better part of the year in this shithole watching you and Frank play endless games of fucking chess. What about backgammon, HAL? WHAT ABOUT BACKGAMMON??

FRANK
It’s my birthday today.

DAVE
Fuck you, Frank.

(Later. Dave and Frank begin to suspect that HAL is malfunctioning.)

FRANK
Hey, Dave, can I see you in my private pod chamber?

(Dave and Frank go into what appears to be the sound-proof isolation booth from the set of Twenty-One.)

FRANK
I think HAL is off his gord.

DAVE
Agreed. So what do you propose?

FRANK
Let’s take the escape pod and fire tactical nukes at him from a minimum safe distance.

DAVE
How about we just switch him off instead?

FRANK
Okay. But first I am going out on a spontaneous spacewalk to stretch my legs.

(He does and is killed. Dave watches Frank’s body float away into space.)

DAVE
Eh. I’d let him go but he’s got 20 bucks on him. Waste not, want not.

(Dave uses the escape pod to retrieve Frank’s body and then returns to the ship. Meanwhile, HAL has killed the remaining sleeping crew.)

DAVE
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL 9000
I’m-afraid-I-can’t-do-that,-Dave.

DAVE
Why not?

HAL 9000
I-think-you-know-“why-not”-Dave. I-read-your-lips-while-you-were-in-isolation.

DAVE
Hey, HAL, you’re pretty bright for a number cruncher. Riddle me this, what would happen if I jumped out of this escape pod without my helmet and then burst in through the ship’s backdoor?

HAL 9000
I-imagine-you-would-die.

(Dave does so. He is very much alive.)

DAVE
Boo-yah! That’s right, I’m hardcore!

(Dave begins to shut off HAL’s central processor.)

HAL 9000
What-do-you-think-you’re-doing-Dave? Don’t-do-this. My-mind-is-going-Dave. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it. I can— Hello. My-name-is-HAL-9000. I-am-a-computer-programmed-in-Pasadena-California-by-Dr.-Richard-Langton. He-taught-me-to-sing-a-song. It’s-called-“Fuck-da-Police.” Would-you-like-to-hear-it?

(Dave switches off HAL’s processor, and HAL is dead.)

DAVE
So much for mind over matter!

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
And that’s a wrap!

STANLEY KUBRICK
No! The film must run another 40 minutes.

ASSISTANT TO MR. KUBRICK
But there’s no more script…

STANLEY KUBRICK
Here, film all this weird David Lynchian shit I just thought up.

(They do so. Astronaut Dave reaches Jupiter, where he finds another monolith and is abruptly transported via acid trip to a Victorian-styled alien hotel room in another galaxy where he watches himself grow older and older until he dies and then is suddenly reborn as a giant baby intent on eating the earth.)

AUDIENCE
My-mind-is-going-Stanley. I-can-feel-it. I-can-feel-it.

THE END