Elephant

Directed by: Gus Van Sant
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GUS VAN SANT
Hark! I plan to direct a movie that tells the tragic events of a school shooting, akin to that massacre at Columbine, Colorado.

PRODUCERS
Sounds like an action-packed character study, go with it!

(Gus Van Sant begins filming the day's events from Student A's perspective. Student A wakes up. He takes a shower. His dad drives him to school. He arrives late. He gets sent to the principal's office. He gets lectured. He talks to some chick. He goes to class. He walks down a hall. He goes to another class. He has lunch in the cafeteria. He walks down a hall.)

FILM CREW (quietly)
What the hell...?

(Eventually, it looks like something interesting may be about to happen.)

GUS VAN SANT
Cut! Now re-film all the plot points thus far from Student B's perspective.

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
What plot points?

(They re-film the same exciting events from Student B's point-of-view. Then likewise with Students C, D, E, F, and G. Ninety minutes later...)

GUS VAN SANT
Okay, now the school shooting happens.

CINEMATOGRAPHER
We only have ten minutes of film left.

GUS VAN SANT
That's fine. But first we have to shoot the scene where the two student gunmen are revealed to be gay lovers.

SECOND ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
??? Don't you think we should lay a foundation for that?

GUS VAN SANT
No, we'll just film them naked and making out in the shower.

(The Film Crew now realize Gus Van Sant is crazy, but no one contradicts him because crazy people are often dangerous.)

GUS VAN SANT (after the movie is finished)
Behold the film's motif: Guns are Bad!

FIRST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (peers into the theater)
I don't think the Test Audience got the message. They all shot themselves around the sixty minute mark.

GUS VAN SANT
Oh well, just pack up the reels and ship 'em to HBO. They'll play anything.

THE END