The Big Blue

Directed by: Luc Besson
Starring: A German playing a Frenchman and a Frenchman who may or may not also be a Spaniard playing an Italian
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ENZO
I am the greatest free-diver in the world!

ENZO'S KID BROTHER
What about that dolphin-lovin' dude who always beat you when we were kids?

ENZO
Bring him to me and I shall defeat him!

(Jacques Mayol shows up.)

JACQUES MAYOL
Enzo, I have zero interest in competing against you. I'm very content with my current job of recovering sunken oil tanker machinery in the Arctic Sea for minimum wage.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE (to Jacques Mayol)
You're cute.

JACQUES MAYOL
Okay, I'll do it. Let the free-diving contest begin!

NINETY PERCENT OF THE AUDIENCE
What the hell is free-diving?

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(Time passes as both men prepare for the World Free-Diving Championship. Jacques Mayol and Rosanna Arquette start a relationship.)

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
You seem distant. There's someone else, isn't there?

JACQUES MAYOL
If you must know...yes.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
What does she have that I don't?!

JACQUES MAYOL
Fins, for one. Also, she can breathe out of the top of her head.

ROSANNA ARQUETTE
Don't tell me you've been having an affair with a dolphin.

JACQUES MAYOL
Don't be ridiculous. Now onto a completely different topic, I'm going to take a swim. Have you seen my waterproof condoms anywhere?

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(Jacques Mayol beats Enzo in the World Free-Diving Championship.)

ENZO
I would rather kill myself than come in second place.

(He does.)

JACQUES MAYOL (to Rosanna Arquette)
My life sucks. Come with me to the pier so I can drown myself.

(She does and he does.)

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Booo! He's cute. We want him to live.

(American filmmakers change the ending so now, instead of drowning, Jacques Mayol swims off into the moonlight with his dolphin girlfriend.)

THE REAL JACQUES MAYOL (watching)
What the fuck?

GIRLS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Hooray!

GUYS IN AMERICAN AUDIENCE
Zzzzzzz...

THE END