The Exorcist

Starring: Screwed-Up Kid, Her Mom, Father-Dee and Father-Dum
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In an obscure and lengthy prologue, a young Father Merrin goes trotting through Iraq and finds the Devil or something.)

AUDIENCE
Why is the Devil in Iraq?

TREY PARKER, MATT STONE AND SADDAM HUSSEIN
Makes sense to us.

(Several years later in Washington D.C....)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my darling daughter, kindly take care of yourself while I concentrate on my acting career.

REGAN
Okay.

(She does and promptly gets possessed by the Devil.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Regan, my dear, I'm a bit concerned with the way you've been cursing and pissing yourself lately. Also, yesterday when you spider-walked down the stairs and spat blood, I shat my pants.

POSSESSED REGAN
Let Jesus fuck you!

ELLEN BURSTYN
Uh huh. I think I'll let my friend Burke have a look at you.

BURKE
Sure.
(dies)

ELLEN BURSTYN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Karras.

(Father Karras shows up.)

FATHER KARRAS
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Father Merrin.

(Father Merrin shows up.)

FATHER MERRIN
Hmm...this may be a bit tougher than I thought. I'll call Jesus.

(Jesus shows up. Possessed Regan begins puking green slime and masturbating with a crucifix.)

JESUS
Whoa, I'm outta here!

FATHER MERRIN (to Possessed Regan)
Who are you??!!

POSSESSED REGAN
I go by many names, but you can call me Captain Howdy.

FATHER KARRAS
Well, there goes any suspense we were trying to build.

FATHER MERRIN
Wait a second...I remember you now! I saw you in Iraq. You're the Devil! My God...the Devil is here in Washington D.C.!

HUGO CHAVEZ
That's what I've been trying to tell you people!!

POSSESSED REGAN
Karras, your mother sucks cocks in hell!

FATHER KARRAS
Really? Is she any good?

POSSESSED REGAN
Uh....ok, you called my bluff.

(There is a massive battle between the priests and the Devil. However, we have no idea what is happening or who is winning.)

FATHER MERRIN AND FATHER KARRAS
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
(pause)
The power of Christ compels you!

(The priests continue to repeat the same line until the Devil goes insane and takes off. Both priests die, but Regan is saved.)

ELLEN BURSTYN
So the Devil only needed to be loved...

REGAN
What? That's not what happened at all. Haven't you been paying attention?

ELLEN BURSTYN
Not really. I've been concentrating on my third divorce. How'd that whole exorcism thing go?

WARNER STUDIOS EXECS (checking the box office gross)
Very well, apparently.

(Thirty-five years later...)

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Now that I've irreperably tarnished an H.G. Wells masterpiece, I'm ready for another half-assed remake of a classic. How about The Exoricst? I'll cast Dakota Fanning as the lead.

(The general public pukes green slime.)

THE END