The Ring Two

Directed by: Japanese Guy Who Directed the Original Original
Starring: MILF Reporter, Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act, "Scary Little" Girl, Sissy Spacek, and Inconsequential People (Who Die)
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(After the events of the first film, MILF Reporter and her Creepy Son Who No Longer Can Act have moved from Seattle to Oregon.)

MILF REPORTER (relieved)
It looks like we escaped Scary Little Girl and her tape just in time!

(Scary Little Girl and her tape show up in Oregon and kill some Inconsequential People, except now Scary Little Girl is neither scary nor little.)

NAOMI WATTS
Huh? Why isn't she scary anymore?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Since filiming the Japanese original, Mr. Nakata has now learned of the art that you Americans call C.G.I. He is very happy with this C.G.I. and shall use it often.

(Hideo Nakata makes good on his promise. Also, instead of having genuinely scary scenes, "Scary Little" Girl now jumps up from behind people a la Michael Myers.)

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Hello, mother. Can I make you some coffee before you head to work?

MILF REPORTER
What's happened to you? You never used to treat me with respect.

CREEPY SON WHO NO LONGER CAN ACT
Can't you tell from my acting?

MILF REPORTER
Not really. Unless you're trying to play a stoned Haley Joel Osment. Then you're doing a pretty good job.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Mr. Nakata has just seen the classic film you Americans call "The Omen." He enjoyed very much the scene with the baboons attacking the demon child and mother in the car. It would please him to rip-of...er, pay homage to the scene by shooting it for this film.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
I'm not sure baboons run wild in Oregon. How about we use deer instead?

(They go to film the scene. No deer show up.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
What happened?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Sir, it appears the deer caught wind that this movie will flop and have migrated east to warn their other animal friends.

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
In that case, we shall just use more of your American C.G.I. No one will be able to tell the difference.

(They film the scene. It looks terrible and everyone can tell the difference.)

MILF REPORTER
My son is possessed by "Scary Little" Girl, I think...I can't really tell from his acting. I need to talk to someone who understands my problem.

(A mental ward attendant leads MILF Reporter to a cell containing Sissy Spacek, who is busy cutting construction paper.)

MILF REPORTER
Oh, it's "Scary Little" Girl's mother! Maybe she can help me!

ATTENDANT
No...that's really Sissy Spacek. This is where the studio's kept her ever since Blast from the Past. Alicia Silverstone's in the next cell.

(MILF Reporter decides to "save" her son by drowning him in the bathtub.)

ANDREA YATES (to MILF Reporter)
You'll be alright. Just tell them you're a loony-toon. Works wonders.

(Her son wakes up and is no longer possessed by "Scary Little" Girl.)

MILF REPORTER
Thank God, my real son is back! Now maybe he can act again!

CREEPY SON WHO STILL CAN'T ACT
What-was-that-you-said-Rachel?

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Enough plot/character development! More C.G.I.!!!

(They film the rest of the movie with C.G.I. Hideo Nakata views the finished product.)

HIDEO NAKATA'S TRANSLATOR
Behold! A work of art!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 1 (to Production Assistant 2)
Should any of us tell him that we don't have any clue what actually happens in this movie?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT 2
No need. I'm pretty sure he has no idea either.

THE END