9.11.2006

The Rock

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Underdog Hero, The "Good" Bond, Sympathetic Terrorists, Incompetant Marines and Incompetant Government Suits
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"HOLLYWOOD PICTURES" CREW (singing)
"We're off to make a Michael Bay film! A wonderfully long Michael Bay film! Because because because because...Jerry Bruckheimer told us to!"

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Let's see if we've covered all the bases. Do we have woefully unqualified and underresourced heroes fighting against all practical odds?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
A hot chick with no infulence over the plot whose only purpose is to look worried?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Incompetant government suits who make the wrong move at every turn?

MICHAEL BAY
Check.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Creative deaths that defy plausibility?

MICHAEL BAY
We have one guy who chomps down on a nerve gas capsule. Also, Candyman gets launched off the island via missle.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Pointless destruction and lots of shit blowing up?

MICHAEL BAY
Whoops, forgot that one. Hold on.
(films a twenty minute car chase scene where Underdog Hero and Incompetant Suits pursue the escaped "Good" Bond, who causes millions of dollars in property damage and then abruptly changes his mind and gives himself up, thus rendering the scene moot)
I think we're good to go.

MICHAEL BIEHN
Okay, I'll admit it. I haven't been in a good film since the the bastards at Fox prematurely killed me off in the Alien franchise. Hopefully, I'll be in this movie long enough to jump start my career back to life.

(Michael Biehn dies after five minutes of screen time.)

MICHAEL BIEHN
What the... (profanity-laden tirade removed)

THE END

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home