5.19.2005

Armageddon

Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Oil Drillers, Astronauts, Comedians, and a combination thereof
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BILLY BOB
An asteroid is on a collison course with Earth, a fragment of which just killed Mr. Cooper's dog.

NASA SCIENTISTS
Let's send burly yet comical oil drillers to plant a nuke beneath the asteroid's surface so we can split it in two.

BILLY BOB
Wouldn't it be easier to train astronauts to drill instead of training oil drillers to be astronauts?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No.

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BRUCE WILLIS AND HIS GROUP OF RUFFIANS
Here we are.

BILLY BOB
Train to be astronauts.

(The drillers do so. They suck.)

PRETTY BOY DRILLER (to Bruce Willis)
I'm having sex with your daughter.

BRUCE WILLIS
I hate you. No I don't.

BILLY BOB
Okay, now you're ready to go into space.

(They're not.)

(The drillers/comedians/astronauts fly through outerspace in two shuttles that maneuver like F-15s.)

FUNNY RUSSIAN DRUNK (alone on the International Space Station)
Pick me up.

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Okay.

(They do. Five minutes later the space station blows up.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS
Oops. Oh well, now it's time to drill the asteroid.

(One of the space shuttles crashes.)

DRILLERS/COMEDIANS/ASTRONAUTS IN THE OTHER SHUTTLE
Don't worry, they were all expendable.

(Bruce Willis begins to drill.)

BRUCE WILLIS
Hey, this is harder than I thought.

PEOPLE ON EARTH
Oh no! Will they make it?!

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Looks like you can't do it. Let's detonate the nuke on the surface.

BRUCE WILLIS
No one criticizes my drill skills. Your skepticism has provided me with the determination to finish the job.

(He's right.)

SERIOUS ASTRONAUT
Oops, the batteries on the nuke's remote control just died. Someone will have to stay behind to push the big red button himself.

BRUCE WILLIS
I'll do it. But first I'll construct a small film studio so I can say goodbye to my daughter.

(He does. It is touching. The Drillers/Comedians/Astronauts take off, leaving him with the nuke. He blows the asteroid in two. Earth is saved.)

EVERYONE ON EARTH (before they possibly could have learned the news)
Hooray!!!

BILLY BOB (to NASA Scientists)
Hey when you all planned this mission, did any of you consider the fact that an asteroid spins in three dimensions?

NASA SCIENTISTS
No. But we'll cover this plothole with a panoramic hero shot of the survivors strutting in front of a sunset.

(They do, and it is beautiful.)

THE END

1 Comments:

At 5/04/2006 7:51 PM, Blogger abrothasopinion said...

How can I be the first to comment on this. It's absolutely hilarious. Especially the last bit about the asteroid spinning in three dimensions. Armageddon might be the most mindless Hollywood film ever.

 

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