The Blair Witch Project

Directed by: Who the hell knows
Starring: Who the hell cares
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AUDIENCE
We can't wait to see this movie! The buzz is it stands out as the hallmark of intelligent horror. And it's based on a true story!

(Movie begins.)

CHICK CAMPER
I'm a single female who'll be spending the night in the woods to do a documentary on the Blair Witch. Who wants to tag along?

STONER CAMPER
Me.

FAT CAMPER
Me.

(Chick Camper begins interviewing many different people of the town. One of the guy campers films it. The other guy camper does absolutely nothing.)

AUDIENCE
We're sure this exposition is going to build up to something terrifying! Pass the popcorn.

(The campers spend the night in the woods. A twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CAMPERS
Ahhhh! What the fuck was that?!

AUDIENCE
A twig.

CHICK CAMPER
Quick! Get the camera and swing it around wildly!

(They leave their tent and start running in circles.)

CHICK CAMPER
Ahhh! This is so scary!

(As the days pass, repeat ad nauseum.)

CHICK CAMPER
Why can't we find our way out of the woods?

FAT CAMPER
Perhaps it's because a few hours ago I tossed our map in some stream.

CHICK CAMPER
Why the fuck did you do that?

FAT CAMPER
Obviously, I'm a mental midget.

(They spend yet another night in the woods.)

FAT CAMPER (wakes up)
Hey, what happened to Stoner Camper?

CHICK CAMPER
I dunno.

(They wander around aimlessly. The sun sets and they...spend another night in the woods.)

AUDIENCE
We're seeing a pattern here.

(In the middle of the night another twig falls on their tent, waking them.)

CHICK CAMPER
Oh no!! Let's run into this abandoned house!!

FAT CAMPER
Ah, this is scary!!
(gets knocked out from behind)

CHICK CAMPER
Fat camper, where did you go?! Oh there you are, standing eerily in the dark corner like a psychopath. Wait a second...
(gets knocked out from behind)

AUDIENCE
Projectionist! The movie stopped!

PROJECTIONIST
It's over, you dolts!

AUDIENCE
We paid $9 a head for that? That's like $0.50 for every sound of a twig snapping.

DIRECTOR
True, but they were some damn expensive twigs.

THE END