Bram Stoker's Dracula

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
Starring: Stoned "British" Guy, Count Shakespeare, Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female, Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female, Bug Muncher, Bug Muncher's Doctor, 19th Century Hannibal Lector, Cowboy, Uptight British Guy, and Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes
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COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou art welcome in my castle, Mr. Harker.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Wild, man. This is trippy.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thou must be hungry from thou journey. Come, eat.

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yeah, I've got the munchies bad.

(As he eats, he unknowingly pricks himself with his steak knife.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah...thou hath cut thouself...

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Thanks for the heads-up. I've smoked away all the sensation above my waist.

(Count Shakespeare drops to his knees and begins to lap at the blood dripping on the floor.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Uh...

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Ah, excuse me. This is customary in my country. Now, I must retire for I hath dined already. Thou may explore the castle at will but be surest not to hath sex with any pointy-teeth prostitutes.
(leaves)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Whoa...how'd he know 'bout that chick in Nevada?

(He falls asleep. Pointy-Teeth Prostitutes show up.)

POINTY-TEETH PROSTITUTES
Mmm...Keanu Reeves.

(They advance on him, kissing him all over his body. He wakes up.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Best. Acid flashback. Ever.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appears)
How dare thou touch him! He is mine! Here, thou may feast on this baby.

(They do.)

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Okay, that is just wrong. I gotta peace out.

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SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I am ever so worried about Jonathan. He hasn't written for weeks.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
I just fucked three different guys at once.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Lucy!

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT VICTORIAN FEMALE
Mina, you're such a prude. Now if you'll excuse me, it's the middle of the night and I feel like taking a leisurely beachside stroll alone in just a nightgown. Adieu.

(She does and is raped by Count Shakespeare in wolf form.)

PRUDES IN AUDIENCE
Bestiality!

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BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR (to Bug Muncher)
Is your bug eating a result of watching too much "Fear Factor"?

ATTENDANT
Doctor, Miss Lucy is sick.

(Bug Muncher's Doctor calls 19th Century Hannibal Lector. They observe the ill Sexually-Explicit Victorian Female.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
Look at the marks on her neck. Someone has dined on her, likely with fava beans and a nice chianti...
(licks lips)

(Ten minutes later.)

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
How is she now?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's dead. Well, actually, she is undead. Therefore, we must cut off her head and feast on her liver.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
What?!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
I mean...we must cut off her head and drive a stake through her heart.

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Oh ok.

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(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female retrieves Stoned "British" Guy from a hospital. His hair has turned completely white.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
What happened to your hair?! Is this because of the fright you've experienced during your trip?

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Nah, I just smoked some bad shrooms on the way back.

(They arrive home.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Where's Lucy?

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Hmm? Oh, we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I need some air.

(She goes into town.)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
My apologizes, Miss, but thou lookest as my former wife.

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
How sweet! Let's have an affair.

(They do.)

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STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Yo Mina, have you been kickin' it with a vampire?

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
No...

BUG MUNCHER'S DOCTOR
Then why are those marks on your neck?

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
She's become the devils concubine!
(begins to hump her leg)

COUNT SHAKESPEARE (appearing)
Begone! She is mine, and thou art fools!

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
We have descecrated your coffins! You are no longer welcome here!

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
No!!!!! Then I shall return to my castle.

(He does. The British upper class chases him.)

19TH CENTURY HANNIBAL LECTOR
There he is, lying in his coffin! Stake him!

(Bug Muncher's Doctor drives the stake.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Nooooo!! I wanted him to take my virginity!

STONED "BRITISH" GUY
Heh, apparently you forget the night I gave you that double shot of schnapps.

(Sexually-Repressed Victorian Female drags Count Shakespeare's body into the castle.)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
I will remain with you for the rest of your life.

COUNT SHAKESPEARE
Thanks.
(dies)

SEXUALLY-REPRESSED VICTORIAN FEMALE
Ah, crap...

THE END