Glengarry Glen Ross

Written by: David Mamet
Starring: A bunch of pathetic salesmen and Alec Baldwin
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GRANDPA SALESMAN
I have to earn money to help my ailing daughter. Why can’t I sell anything?

ALEC BALDWIN
Because you all fucking suck, you fucks.

PATHETIC SALESMEN
My God, he’s right.

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SLICK SALESMAN
I just took a dump. Wanna buy some land from me?

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
Sure!

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ANGRY SALESMAN
This sucks. Let’s rob the fucking office and steal the good leads.

DEPRESSED SALESMAN
Uh…

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(The next morning the office has been robbed. Grandpa Salesman enters.)

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Hah! Take that, Nerdy Office Clerk! I just sold eight fucking houses. What do ya think of me now?

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Meh.

(Sexually-Confused Middle-Aged Sucker shows up.)

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER (to Slick Salesman)
My wife wants me to cancel my contract with you.

SLICK SLAESMAN
You don’t need her. You’re obviously attracted to me.

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
Just the same, I really think I should cancel it before my grace period expires.

SLICK SALESMAN
I can’t talk now. Come back next week. I promise I won’t cash your check. Nerdy Office Clerk will back me up.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Don’t worry, customer, I cashed your check yesterday.

SEXUALLY-CONFUSED MIDDLE-AGED SUCKER
No!!!
(runs crying from the office)

SLICK SALESMAN (to Nerdy Office Clerk)
You cocksucking pussy-assed piece of shit pisseating whore I fucked your mother three times since Thursday and she told me you love sucking your father’s dick fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK.
(leaves)

GRANDPA SALESMAN (to Nerdy Office Clerk)
Haha, you fucker, you should have told the truth.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Ah-ha! Only the real burglar would know I lied!

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Fuck you. Okay, you caught me, but don’t turn me in. I just made a big fucking sale.

NERDY OFFICE CLERK
Yeah but the check bounced. You’re still as pathetic as you were at the start of the film.

GRANDPA SALESMAN
Fuck me.

THE END