Independence Day
Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Fresh Prince, Fresh Prince's Stripper Girlfriend, Jewish TV Repairman, Jewish TV Repairman's Jewish Father, Boring President, Alcoholic Comedian, and A Very Gay Harvey Fierstein
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A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Why's there all this television interference?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Maybe it has something to do with those 15-mile wide alien space ships over our heads.
A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh Lord, what should we do?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well, according to my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP, the aliens are transmitting a countdown signal.
A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Wow, you can figure all this out but you still can't get me free HBO. What a world...
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ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Haha, look here. I'm the stock alcoholic who's wasted away his life and now lives a pathetic existence in a trailer-park. Please laugh at me.
ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
Look, spaceships!
ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Oh God, the aliens have come back for me! Wait...why should I be nervous? Finally something has come to put an end to my monotonous daily routine of flying my cropduster while binge drinking.
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BORING PRESIDENT
Hmm...aliens. Well, I'm sure they'll be peaceful.
(The aliens start blowing up shit.)
BORING PRESIDENT
Okay, that's enough for me. Let's high-tail Air Force One out of here.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Hi. I just wanted to tell you that the aliens are bad.
BORING PRESIDENT
Well, duh.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I was also hoping my dad and I could hitch a ride with you. And in the process perhaps I could reunite with my former wife, your current Press Secretary.
AUDIENCE
His former wife? Sure... We'd believe the alien plot-line before we'd buy that.
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FRESH PRINCE
I'm anxious to whoop E.T.'s ass!*
GENERIC FIGHTERPILOTS
Yeah!
(All the fighterpilots including Fresh Prince get involved in air combat with the aliens. Every pilot except Fresh Prince dies.)
FRESH PRINCE
Wow, that was close. Thankfully I survived. Otherwise, my girlfriend might have had to support herself by stripping. Oh wait, she already does.
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TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em! Nuke em!
(They nuke the aliens. It has no effect.)
TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em again! Nuke 'em again!
BORING PRESIDENT
No. We only nuked them the first time to demonstrate to the audience the futility of nuclear weapons.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well now what are we going to do?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN'S JEWISH FATHER
I know I'm only here for the occasional funny Jewish quip, but how about we fly that alien saucer in Area 51 to the mother ship and wreck some havoc?
BORING PRESIDENT
Who the hell's going to fly that?
FRESH PRINCE
I will.
BORING PRESIDENT
Who are you?
FRESH PRINCE
No time to explain.
BORING PRESIDENT
Fair enough.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I'll come with you. I'll use my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP to upload a computer virus into the alien's central processor, thereby disabling all their communications and defenses.
BORING PRESIDENT
You can do that?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Not with an IBM Thinkpad. But with an APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP it'll be a piece of cake.
(Fresh Prince and Jewish TV Repairman fly the alien saucer to the mother-ship and disable its technology.)
BORING PRESIDENT
All right, time for me to personally shoot these suckers down. See, I'm not so boring after all.
(Boring President joins Alcoholic Comedian and the other fighter-pilots in fully equpped F-15s. They fight the aliens and win. Everyone is happy. There are fireworks. Fresh Prince marries his stripper girlfriend and Jewish TV Repairman is reunited with his former wife.)
APPLE SPOKESPERSON
We hope you enjoyed Independence Day. Please note how our APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP was used to save the world. Thank you and have a nice night.
THE END
* This line has not been altered from its film counterpart.
Starring: Fresh Prince, Fresh Prince's Stripper Girlfriend, Jewish TV Repairman, Jewish TV Repairman's Jewish Father, Boring President, Alcoholic Comedian, and A Very Gay Harvey Fierstein
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A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Why's there all this television interference?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Maybe it has something to do with those 15-mile wide alien space ships over our heads.
A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Oh Lord, what should we do?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well, according to my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP, the aliens are transmitting a countdown signal.
A VERY GAY HARVEY FIERSTEIN
Wow, you can figure all this out but you still can't get me free HBO. What a world...
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ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Haha, look here. I'm the stock alcoholic who's wasted away his life and now lives a pathetic existence in a trailer-park. Please laugh at me.
ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN'S ILLEGITIMATE SON
Look, spaceships!
ALCOHOLIC COMEDIAN
Oh God, the aliens have come back for me! Wait...why should I be nervous? Finally something has come to put an end to my monotonous daily routine of flying my cropduster while binge drinking.
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BORING PRESIDENT
Hmm...aliens. Well, I'm sure they'll be peaceful.
(The aliens start blowing up shit.)
BORING PRESIDENT
Okay, that's enough for me. Let's high-tail Air Force One out of here.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Hi. I just wanted to tell you that the aliens are bad.
BORING PRESIDENT
Well, duh.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I was also hoping my dad and I could hitch a ride with you. And in the process perhaps I could reunite with my former wife, your current Press Secretary.
AUDIENCE
His former wife? Sure... We'd believe the alien plot-line before we'd buy that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FRESH PRINCE
I'm anxious to whoop E.T.'s ass!*
GENERIC FIGHTERPILOTS
Yeah!
(All the fighterpilots including Fresh Prince get involved in air combat with the aliens. Every pilot except Fresh Prince dies.)
FRESH PRINCE
Wow, that was close. Thankfully I survived. Otherwise, my girlfriend might have had to support herself by stripping. Oh wait, she already does.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em! Nuke em!
(They nuke the aliens. It has no effect.)
TRIGGER-HAPPY SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
Nuke 'em again! Nuke 'em again!
BORING PRESIDENT
No. We only nuked them the first time to demonstrate to the audience the futility of nuclear weapons.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Well now what are we going to do?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN'S JEWISH FATHER
I know I'm only here for the occasional funny Jewish quip, but how about we fly that alien saucer in Area 51 to the mother ship and wreck some havoc?
BORING PRESIDENT
Who the hell's going to fly that?
FRESH PRINCE
I will.
BORING PRESIDENT
Who are you?
FRESH PRINCE
No time to explain.
BORING PRESIDENT
Fair enough.
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
I'll come with you. I'll use my APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP to upload a computer virus into the alien's central processor, thereby disabling all their communications and defenses.
BORING PRESIDENT
You can do that?
JEWISH TV REPAIRMAN
Not with an IBM Thinkpad. But with an APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP it'll be a piece of cake.
(Fresh Prince and Jewish TV Repairman fly the alien saucer to the mother-ship and disable its technology.)
BORING PRESIDENT
All right, time for me to personally shoot these suckers down. See, I'm not so boring after all.
(Boring President joins Alcoholic Comedian and the other fighter-pilots in fully equpped F-15s. They fight the aliens and win. Everyone is happy. There are fireworks. Fresh Prince marries his stripper girlfriend and Jewish TV Repairman is reunited with his former wife.)
APPLE SPOKESPERSON
We hope you enjoyed Independence Day. Please note how our APPLE POWERBOOK LAPTOP was used to save the world. Thank you and have a nice night.
THE END
* This line has not been altered from its film counterpart.
posted by "Mister_Anderson" @ 10:50 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
You got some real talent there. Even though I enjoyed the film, that was hilarious.
-MikeOxsmall
typo: spelling is "wreak" instead of "wreck."
you forgot to mention the scene in the tunnel where about a million Los Angelinos are vaporized, but we, the audience, are only supposed to care that the stripper's dog, in dramatic fashion, just barely survived.
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