5.07.2005

Saving Private Ryan

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Forrest Gump With A Machine Gun, Army Grunts, Evil Germans, and Matt Damon
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(U.S. Troops land on Omaha Beach and fight Evil Germans. Both sides suffer heavy losses.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Listen up you grunts in my squad, I've been assigned to retrieve some private stationed deep behind enemy lines. It won't be an easy mission. It's gonna be violent, it's gonna be painful, and it's gonna be exhausting...so who wants to come with?

(Silence.)

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
Well too fucking bad, you're all coming. That's right, you just heard Forrest Gump say fuck.

(The squad advances through the French countryside. They start getting killed off one by one.)

PUSSY SOLDIER
Hey, this is like a Friday the 13th flick.

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
All right, I've had just about enough. Where's this guy we're supposed to save?

MATT DAMON
You mean me?

TOUGH SOLDIER WHO ISN'T VIN DIESEL
You gotta be kidding. We lost half our squad to save Matt fucking Damon?

BEN AFFLECK (appearing)
Look on the bright side; it could've been me!

MATT DAMON
So why'd you all come?

FORREST GUMP WITH A MACHINE GUN
You're lucky. You get to go home because your three brothers were horribly killed in combat. Oops...I think my cold, wartime persona just kicked in again.

MATT DAMON
Well if they're all dead then I have no reason to go back, so I'm staying to help defend this bridge.

REMAINDER OF FORREST GUMP'S SQUAD (grumbling)
Prick...

(The squad stays and fights alongside Matt Damon to halt the Evil German offensive. They're outnumbered 200:1 and they all die except Matt Damon and Pussy Soldier.)

AUDIENCE
Great, the two most annoying guys survived.

(The movie advances to present day. We see a much older Matt Damon kneeling at the graves of the fallen squad.)

AUDIENCE
Well if there's any consolation, it's that Matt Damon is going to turn into one butt-ugly old man.

THE END

4 Comments:

At 8/14/2005 11:04 PM, Anonymous Kevin said...

Indeed. One ugly man.

 
At 8/15/2005 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pwned.

 
At 8/23/2005 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Edward Burns also survived

 
At 12/05/2005 6:43 AM, Blogger Lucas said...

How can you have a movie without a magic wish machine? im sick of Hollywood.

 

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