Sphere

Directed by: Barry Levinson
Starring: Dr. Rainman, Sexy Blonde Scientist, Samuel L. Fucking Jackson, Scary Government Spook, and Queen Latifah (no, seriously)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Hello, Dr. Rainman. Do you know why you're here in a laboratory at the bottom of the sea?

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely a plane crash.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK.
Actually it's a space craft.

DR. RAINMAN
United crashed four times since 1989.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh, ok, but this is a spaceship crash.

DR. RAINMAN
E.T. was filmed in 1981.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Um...maybe I should try some of you other experts. What about you, Sexy Blonde Scientist?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I view the spaceship as a giant phallis that has penetrated the ocean's virginity.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Uh...

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Actually, and since I'm the only one here who appears to possess a smigeon of scientific knowledge, allow me to point out that the submerged ship couldn't have crashed into the water from the air because it's still structurally intact. Therefore, the sum of my academic insight suggests to me that the ship magically appeared at the bottom of the sea.

DR. RAINMAN
Definitely, definitely appeared.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
But we're four thousand feet below the surface!

DR. RAINMAN
Three thousand eighty-six feet, nine inches.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Enough of this...let's just board the damn thing.

(They do.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Look at this, an empty condom wrapper...in English. This must be an American spaceship that travelled back in time.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Either that or Trojan has decided to outsource across the galaxy.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look at this, a giant gold sphere.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Cool.
(disappears)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
What the...? Where'd he go?

DR. RAINMAN
Inside the sphere, definitely inside the sphere.

(An hour later, back in the their underwater laboratory...)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hello, everyone. I'm back from the inside the sphere. Notice my eerily subdued demeanor.

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Look. The computer is writing to us.

COMPUTER
Hello. How are you? My name is Jerry. I am your friend. I will kill you now.

(The laboratory is attacked by a giant squid. Dr. Rainman squeals like a dying pig.)

SCARY GOVERNMENT SPOOK
Jerry, stop!
(killed from falling debris)

(All commotion stops.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
What the hell just happened?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Looks like the sphere attacked us.

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
We should surface.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Can't. There's a scary hurricane going on up there.

(Time passes. They become paranoid.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST (to Samuel L. Fucking Jackson)
You’re insane.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON (to Sexy Blonde Scientist)
No, you’re insane.

DR. RAINMAN
Are you taking any prescription medication?

COMPUTER VOICE
Ten minutes to demolition.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Demolition? How the hell did that happen?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
Because after we went inside the sphere we all gained the power to manifest our fears, and I have a fear of standing near exploding shrapnel.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Wait, when did you two go inside the sphere?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
I assume it was during one of the several extended moments in the second act when the audience fell asleep.

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Well, we have to drive the emergency escape sub to the surface.

DR. RAINMAN
I’m an excellent driver.

(They swim to the escape sub.)

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
How much time do we have left, Doctor?

DR. RAINMAN
Uh-oh. Only five minutes 'til Wapner.

(Sexy Blonde Scientist maneuvers the sub to the surface, successfully evading the explosion. The hurricane has conveniently dissapated.)

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
Hey, we made it. Now we all must agree to forget any of this ever happened, ok?

SEXY BLONDE SCIENTIST
You mean the sphere?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON
No, I mean the fact that we took part in this movie. We've all had pretty decent film careers up until this point. If we can ignore the existence of this dud, we just might survive it.

ALL 4 PEOPLE REMAINING IN THE THEATRE
Definitely, definitely a bomb.

THE END