Titanic

Directed by: James Cameron
Starring: Evil Rich White People, Good Poor Immigrants, Idiotic Crew Members, and an iceberg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I'm rich, upper-class, and white. Woe is me...

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm also rich, upper-class, and white. But I enjoy my advantaged existence, so I must be evil. You, Sappy Drama Queen, grovel at my feet and pay homage to my greatness.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEONARDO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
I'm a poor criminal... My life rules!

ALL THREE
Hey, there's a big ship. Let's get on it.

(They do.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, I am so misunderstood!
(readies to throw herself overboard)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Don't do that. Instead, join my side of society. We're not rich, and we party 24/7.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Rock on.

(She descends with him to E-Deck and they party hard.)

THE UNSINKABLE KATHY BATES
Hello. I'm rich too. But I am "new money", so I'm not evil. Plus, I crack jokes belittling my social equals. Hey Leo Playing Poor Leo, join us in the first class dining room for some of my funny antics. I have a good joke about forks I want you to hear.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Thanks for inviting me to dinner, everyone.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
No problem. But when we're done, be sure to promptly return below to the rest of your filth and grime.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
How COULD you?!
(runs away with Leo Dicaprio Playing Leo DiCaprio as a Poor Man)

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE
I'm so mean, I'm oblivious to my own evil. Therefore, I'll assume they ran off because the food was subpar.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOKOUT 1
Iceberg dead ahead!

LOOKOUT 2
Iceberg dead ahead?!

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Iceberg dead ahead!

CAPTAIN
Iceberg?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN
Where?

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Dead ahead.

CAPTAIN
Ah yes, there it is.
(The Titanic crashes into it.)
See, this is why I don't parallel park.

1ST OFFICER MURDOCH
Oh no, we're taking on water!

CAPTAIN
Silly, officer. This ship is unsinkable.

THOMAS ANDREWS
Actually...wrong.
(proceeds to belittle the crew for their nominal intelligence)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The sappy lovers' sexual romp is interrupted by the crash.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN (to Sappy Drama Queen)
The ship's sinking! Quick, let's get to a lifeboat!

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCE (watching)
Grrr, I'm so jealous!!!
(whips out his pistol and goes postal)
I'm shooting at my fiancee! See how evil I am!

(The sappy lovers retreat to D-Deck and swim to the other side of the ship.)

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here's a lifeboat. Get on it.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
No. I've only known you for 48 hours, but I want to die with you.

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Yeah, I get that a lot.

MEAN CAPITALIST FIANCEE
Hmm, I haven't done anything evil in awhile...
(picks up a crying child, pretends to be his father, and gains access to a lifeboat)
That'll do nicely.

(The ship sinks.)

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN (lying on a piece of floating driftwood)
Where did you go?!

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Here I am, bobbing precariously in the subzero water.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Are you mad at me?

LEO DICAPRIO PLAYING LEO DICAPRIO AS A POOR MAN
Why, because if you had gotten on that lifeboat like I told you I could be the one lying safely on that piece of driftwood? Nah... Just do me one favor. Never let go.

SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
I won't.

(She lets go.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
...and that's the whole story.

BILL PAXTON
Jesus Christ, lady, I only asked you about the diamond.

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Oh, yes. Well, you can't have it. In a few minutes I plan to throw it into the ocean as a testament of my undying love.

BILL PAXTON
How is that a testament of anything?

OLD SAPPY DRAMA QUEEN
Quiet, whippersnapper, or I'll break out the cod liver oil.

THE END