6.07.2005

Blade Runner: Director's Cut

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Depressed cops, depressed replicants, and a happy unicorn
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(The future is dark and depressing.)

BRYANT
Kill all replicants.

DECKARD
Okay.
(starts killing the replicants)

RACHAEL
I'm a replicant, but you can't kill me because you love me.

DECKARD
You're right.

(He nods off and the screen is filled with a giant unicorn prancing through a meadow.)

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN DOZING OFF
What the fuck is this?

THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO'D BEEN PAYING RAPT ATTENTION
What the fuck is this?

BATTY
Hahahahaha! I'm the evil replicant. But I'm also sensitive. Look how beautifully the rain falls.
(dies)

DECKARD
That moved me. Now I'll run away with my replicant hottie. Hello, what's this?
(picks up an oragami unicon)

THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Look, it's a unicorn! That means Deckard was a replicant all along!

SECOND THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Nah, it's just a coincidence.

FINAL THIRD OF THE AUDIENCE
Wait, what's a replicant again?

(Ten years later...)

HARRISON FORD
By the way everybody, I wasn't a replicant.

RIDLEY SCOTT
Yes you were.

THE END

2 Comments:

At 6/10/2005 9:59 AM, Anonymous garnet14 said...

hey just wanna say i love your site :) it's lovely seeing you've updated when i check back after a few weeks. keep 'em coming!

 
At 9/04/2005 4:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So far the best of all goes to Blade Runner, despite it being onw of my favorite movies! Been laughing non-stop when I read it.
Seriously, find an editor, and make a book out of these, I'll be the first to buy it.

 

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