Boiler Room

Starring: Weasley Stockbrokers and Not-As-Weasley Stockbrokers
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GIOVANNI'S DAD
You're a punk kid and I hate you.

GIOVANNI
Why?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I don't know...but it probably has something to do that crappy, under-the-table casino you run from your basement.

(Giovanni shuts down his illegal casino.)

GIOVANNI
Now do you like me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
No.

GIOVANNI
Well, at least now I can start an honest life! No more underhanded tricks to take people's cash.

NICKY KATT, VIN DIESEL AND JAMIE KENNEDY
Come with us and make dirty money.

GIOVANNI
Okay.

(He goes to their investment firm.)

BEN AFFLECK
Hello, new recruits. You remind me of the flaky crust stuck to the rim of my ketchup bottle, but stay with this firm and one day you will be filthy rich. That is all.

GIOVANNI (inner monologue)
Hmm...I'd like to be rich. Maybe this is the place for me.

NICKY KATT
Here's how you steal money from customers.
(shows him)
Got it?

(He's got it.)

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LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm a happy, upstanding family-man. Nothing could possibly come between me and my perfect life.

(Phone rings. He answers it.)

GIOVANNI (on phone)
Hello, sucker. Want to buy some stock?

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
I'm not sure. Is it good?

GIOVANNI
Uh...yes.

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Well, I've never met you, only talked to you for three seconds and have no idea what this stock is for, but you've sold me. Sign me up for ten million shares. Hold on, I'll get the number for the bank account containing my family's life savings.

(The days pass. Giovanni develops a conscience.)

GIOVANNI
Oh, no... What have I done?! I've stolen people's money!

GIOVANNI'S DAD
Worse than that. You also got me in trouble with the F.B.I.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

LOSER-GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE WILLIAM FITCHNER BUT ACTS LIKE JONATHAN PRYCE IN GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
And you made me lose my family.

GIOVANNI
Oh, no!

TOM EVERETT SCOTT
And you made me get this stupid haircut.

GIOVANNI
Oh, n...wait a second, no I didn't.

(The F.B.I. calls Giovanni at the firm.)

F.B.I.
We're gonna bust in in ten minutes.

GIOVANNI
Uh oh, I better make everything right again.

(He does.)

GIOVANNI
Well Dad, I went from running an illegal casino to defrauding ordinary folks out of millions of dollars. And on top of all that, I lied to your face, almost got you charged with federal crimes, and came within inches of publically humiliating you, which certainly would have cost you your highly-prized judgeship. So now what do you think of me?

GIOVANNI'S DAD
I love you, Son.

THE END