Clue

Starring: Multicolored game pieces, two dice, and a folding cardboard floorplan of a mansion
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 + 1

MISS SCARLET
1 + 2 + 1 + 1 - 3

TIM CURRY
1 + 1 + 2 - 2/3 + 48 factorial

AUDIENCE
What's any of this got to do with the board game?

MRS. PEACOCK
My God, someone's killed Mr. Boddy!

COLONEL MUSTARD
And we didn't have dessert yet!

MISS SCARLET
This is terrible!

MR. GREEN
I'm a homosexual.
(Silence.)
Well, I am.

(Doorbell rings. They answer it.)

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
The kingdom of God is at hand.

MRS. PEACOCK
I know who you are!
(Undercover Cop Posing As A Jehovah's Witness begins to sweat.)
You're the original teacher from "Head of the Class".

UNDERCOVER COP POSING AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
Oh, that's right.

PROFESSOR PLUM
So you moved from appearing on that prime-time sitcom to working as a door-to-door Jehovah's Witness promoter? Sounds like someone got a lucky break.

MRS. WHITE
Flames...flaming on the side of my head...flaming flames.

MR. GREEN
Did someone say flaming?

TIM CURRY
Aha, I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Miss Scarlet!

MISS SCARLET
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
Mrs. Peacock!

MRS. PEACOCK
Muhahaha, you're right!
(gets arrested)

(Or maybe it happened like this...)

TIM CURRY
I know who the murderer is!

EVERYONE ELSE
Who?!

TIM CURRY
It was all of us! Except Mr. Green because he's an undercover cop.

MR. GREEN
That's right!
(to his men)
Take 'em all away, boys. I'm going home to sleep with my wife.
(silence)
Get it?! I'M NOT GAY!!

THE END