The Day After Tomorrow

Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Environmentally-Conscious Good Guys, Evil Political Bad Guys, and The Cold
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DENNIS QUAID
Everyone listen! We need to stop global warming or the environment will retaliate!

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Haha, you're insane. Global warming doesn't exist.

(Super tornadoes devastate L.A., giant storm surges drown NYC, and a massive blizzard sends North America into a new ice age.)

EVERY POLITICAN IN THE FILM
Oops.

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BUBBLE BOY (calling from a library in NYC)
Dad, save me.

DENNIS QUAID (in D.C.)
Okay.
(walks through the blizzard from D.C. to NYC, along the way ripping off scenes from Vertical Limit, Alive and Lawrence of Arabia)

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DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
I think I have gangrene.

BUBBLE BOY
I'll find some medicine in the Russian sub that just floated by our window.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Wait, if the sub just floated by, then how can you get to it?

BUBBLE BOY
Don't worry. I'm sure by the time I get my scarf and galoshes on, the four million cubic tons of salt water will have frozen solid.

(He's right.)

MEAN CGI WOLVES (entering the sub after Bubble Boy)
Grr...we're mean. We want to eat you.

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, virtual wolves!
(runs outside)
That was close. Now that I have the medicine, I shall return to my ailing girlfriend.

(The sky gets angry and releases The Cold.)

BUBBLE BOY
Oh no, The Cold!

(The Cold chases him back to the library. He makes it, but it is CLOSE.)

BUBBLE BOY
Here's the medicine.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
Thanks. While you were gone, we took to burning books to stay warm.

BUBBLE BOY
Wouldn't it make more sense to burn all this wooden furniture first?

(No response.)

DENNIS QUAID (shows up)
Here I am.

THE STRANDED
Hooray! We're saved!

SMART STANDED GUY
Wait a minute. How exactly are you going to save us?

DENNIS QUAID
Well, I'm... I'm going to... Uh...

HELICOPTER RESCUERS (show up)
Here we are.

THE STRANDED
Hooray!

DENNIS QUAID
See, that's how.

SMART STRANDED GUY
What was the purpose of you walking here when we were going to have to use helicopters to escape anyway?

DENNIS QUAID
Shut up, Poindexter.

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EVIL VICE PRESIDENT TURNED GOOD
I would like to apologize for Republicans everywhere. We had truly fucked up the planet. As compensation, I have deverted all incoming GOP funds to Amnesty International.

MICHAEL MOORE
Nice try, but that's not going to stop criticism from this radical! I've got a new documentary planned exposing the administration's hidden role in this global eco-disaster: Fahrenheit —911. Isn't my title clever?

RAY BRADBURY
Cunt.

THE END