6.20.2005

Jurassic Park III

Directed by: Joe Johnson
Starring: Sam Neill as Dr. Grant, William H. Macy as Disgruntled Dad, some dinosaurs, and a lot of trees
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DR. GRANT
No force of man or earth will get me back to Jurassic Park.

WILLIAM H. MACY
My wife and I want to tour Jurassic Park. Will you be our guide? Here's a blank check.

DR. GRANT
What time's our flight?

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(Dr. Grant, William H. Macy, Tea Leoni and others have landed on Jurassic Park.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
By the way, I lied when I said we wanted to tour the island. Actually, our son vanished while parasailing over this place with my wife's bastard boyfriend. I also lied when I said I was rich.

DR. GRANT
I see...
(punches him)
Bitch.

(A spinosaurus shows up and eats half the search party. It is huge.)

DR. GRANT
And no one ever noticed this dinosaur before because...?

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DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Hey look, a velociraptor nest. A pair of raptor eggs would make a great engagement gift for my honey back home.
(secretly steals some eggs)

LOST BOY (shows up)
Hi, Mom, Dad and company, welcome to the island. Here, let me show you my pad.
(gives them a tour of his Swiss Family Robinson-style habitat)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no!

DR. GRANT
What is it?!

WILLIAM H. MACY
I just realized I've been horribly miscast and that this movie is going to suck. Is there any way I can get out of it?

WILLIAM H. MACY'S AGENT
Nope.

(Suddenly velociraptors that look like David Beckham show up.)

THE GROUP
Oh no, the raptors!
(escapes the raptors)
That was close.

(Repeat with every species of dinosaur.)

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(The group is about to be rescued, but then the velociraptors ambush them.)

DR. GRANT
Again? What the hell do they want?

DR. GRANT'S MENTALLY-CHALLENGED ASSISTANT
Maybe they're looking for the eggs I stole from them.

DR. GRANT
You sniff glue, don't you?

(They give back the eggs but the dinosaurs don't leave.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
Oh no, they're going to eat us now.

DR. GRANT
Don't worry, I speak raptor.

(He does so. The raptors quickly shuffle off.)

WILLIAM H. MACY
What'd you say?

DR. GRANT
I pointed out their embarassing new hairstyles. They won't be leaving the nest again any time soon.

LOST BOY
Hey look, the Army, Navy and Marines just arrived to save us!

WILLIAM H. MACY
What the...? Where the hell did they come from?

DR. GRANT
Who cares? We just reached the 90-minute mark. This travesty is over.

THE END

5 Comments:

At 6/21/2005 4:47 PM, Blogger Jimilegs said...

As usual, Pure genius!!!

 
At 6/26/2005 8:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! This is a great blog.

I'd love to send you my minute-long version of "Suddenly Last Summer"!

Reply to jfulbright@amset.org

 
At 8/09/2005 2:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DR. GRANT
You sniff glue, don't you?

funny as HELL!!
LMAO once I saw it!!!!

 
At 1/12/2007 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious. Bravo :)

 
At 4/16/2007 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMFAOOOO.. dear god this is your best one yet. I was crying.

 

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