The Shining

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick
Starring: A screwed up family and a few dozen ghosts
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JACK NICHOLSON (in a scary, maniacal close-up)
Well family, here we are, about to take care of this creepy hotel for the entire winter.

HALLORAN
Hi, I'm the groundskeeper. If something spooky happens, just call me and I'll be here in a jiffy.

SHELLY DUVALL
How can we reach you?

HALLORAN
Have your psychic son send me a message. Any time after 3:00 is good but not during dinner.

(The days pass. Psychic Kid is confronted by twin girl ghosts in the hallway.)

TWIN GIRL GHOSTS
Come play with us, Danny.

PSYCHIC KID (to himself)
Damn...if we were all ten years older, I'd be all over that.

(More days pass. Jack Nicholson enters one of the hotel rooms and sees a beautiful naked woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Oh baby, come to papa!
(begins to fondle her)

(The beautiful naked woman turns into Old, Ugly, Liverspotted Naked Woman.)

JACK NICHOLSON
Yak! Oh well, at least you're still hotter than my wife.

(More days pass.)

SHELLY DUVALL
Jack, have you noticed anything strange in the hotel?

JACK NICHOLSON
Why, whatever do you mean, darling?

SHELLY DUVALL
Well, for starters, why are you advancing on me while brandishing a baseball bat behind your back?

JACK NICHOLSON
Okay, I'll come clean. This hotel has driven me insane.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you already were insane at the start of the film.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right, then this hotel has made me abusive.

SHELLY DUVALL
But you were abusive before too.

JACK NICHOLSON
All right! Then this hotel has manifested the ghosts of dead, wealthy gentlemen who are constantly urging me to kill my wife and son.

SHELLY DUVALL
Okay, that's new.

(Jack Nicholson chases them around the hotel. Shelly Duvall walks in on a giant dog giving some dude a blowjob.)

GIANT DOG
A little privacy please.

(Halloran shows up.)

HALLORAN
Psychic Son, I got your psychic message, and I'm here to save the day.

(Jack Nicholson whacks him in the gut with an axe.)

REV. AL SHARPTON
Look at that! The black man's the first to die!

(Jack Nicholson runs around a hedge maze outside and freezes to death.)

AVID KING READERS
Sigh... That was nothing like the book.

(Seventeen years later.)

STEPHEN KING
I listened to all your complaints about the film and am proud to announce I've remade my story as a TNT miniseries. It's been heavily censored for television and stars the guy from "Wings".

EVERYONE
Boooooo!

THE END