7.09.2005

A Beautiful Mind

Directed by: Ron Howard
Starring: Russell Crowe (Los Angeles Dept. of Corrections #15779), Jennifer Connelly (bra size 34C/D), and Christopher Plummer (face-lift count: 2)
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(Russell Crowe is teaching class.)

RUSSELL CROWE
Not only will I eventually win the Nobel Prize, but I'm also the only attractive math professor east of the Mississippi.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Excuse me. There's too much noise from outside to concentrate.

RUSSELL CROWE
Oh well, can't do anything about it.

JENNIFER CONNELLY (to Noisy Construction Workers)
Hey, could you keep it down?

NOISY CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Okay.

RUSSELL CROWE
Eh, big deal. If I was a babe with bazookas like yours, everyone would listen to me too. Speaking of bazookas...it's time for my weekly meeting with the Department of Defense.
(goes to the Pentagon)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Decode this.

(He does.)

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not bad. Now be on the lookout for secret Commie messages on everyday items.

RUSSELL CROWE
Makes sense to me.

(Old Limey Roommate shows up.)

OLD LIMEY ROOMMATE
Cheerio, Russell! Good to see ya, old chap. Wanna go boozin'?

RUSSELL CROWE
Nah. I gotta scan cereal boxes for Soviet propaganda. Hey...wasn't it weird how everytime in college when we used to go out, no one would ever acknowledge your existence?

RANDOM PASSERBY (to Russell Crowe)
You're speaking to yourself, crazy man.

RUSSELL CROWE
What?
(realizes only he can see Shady Government Guy and Old Limey Roommate)
Oh my God, I see dead people!

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAMADINGDONG
Hold everything! I own the exclusive rights to that. You now owe $450,000 in royalties.

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(Jennifer Connelly and Russell Crowe are married.)

JENNIFER CONNELLY
Take your medicine so you won't be crazy.

RUSSELL CROWE
But my medicine makes Mr. Peepee pooh-pooh out.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
How is it possible that the older Jennifer Connelly grows, the hotter she gets?

RUSSELL CROWE
Hmm, that's an interesting theorem. Makes me think of another one that's been bouncing around in my head...
(creates Super Math Equation)
Wow, now I can win the Nobel Prize.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Not so fast. We still have Commies to hunt.

RUSSELL CROWE
But you're not real.

SHADY GOVERNMENT GUY
Oh yes I am. I've just been in a Korean death camp these past few months.

RUSSELL CROWE
There's only one way to be sure.
(throws a phone at him; it passes right through and hits a bellhop)
I knew it; I am crazy!

JENNIFER CONNELLY
That's what happens when you don't take your medication.

RUSSELL CROWE
But when I take it, I can't get it up.

EVERY STRAIGHT MALE IN THE AUDIENCE
Goddamn. It wouldn't matter if I was taking a slop bucket full of medication...if I was sleeping with Jennifer Connelly, I'd get it up.

THE END

5 Comments:

At 7/12/2005 12:02 PM, Blogger deaf-toned said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

you're insane man!

 
At 7/14/2005 5:36 PM, Anonymous Suellen said...

Anônimo disse...
Hi.. I´m from Brasil.. and I found your blogger only today..
Man you are so funny... i pissed my pants (is that right? i can´t speak english very well)...
I never laugh that much.. I loved the sphere, Bram stroker Dracula, 12 angry man...
But the 19th century hannibal from Dracula is the best thing I´ve ever heard.. hahahahahaha
And the Rain man in the sphere movie made me cry, cause i laughed too much huahuahuha

 
At 7/14/2005 6:52 PM, Blogger "Mister_Anderson" said...

Thanks, I appreciate the compliment

 
At 8/21/2005 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"M. NIGHT SHYAMALAMADINGDONG" HAHA THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART!

 
At 11/29/2006 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

rofl. Great stuff. Love the stuff from the straight males in the audience. btw, anyone know that John Nash actually shared the Nobel prize for economics (yes, economics) with three other people. and that he came up with his theories with the help of another mathematician. Funny that wasnt in the film. He was still a smart guy though. Props Nash. Props.

 

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