The Grudge

Starring: Buffy, Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, and some ghosts (not vampires)
Setting: Tokyo, Japan
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BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
Good morning, honey. Isn't it a lovely day? You seem a bit detached. Is everything all right?

(Bill Pullman jumps off their twelfth floor balcony.)

BILL PULLMAN'S WIFE
I'll take that as a no.

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NERDY CAREWORKER
You—Nurse Buffy—go check on Crazy Old Woman who lives across town. I'd send the usual careworker, but she mysteriously disappeared once stepping foot inside the obviously-haunted house. Well, cheers!

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NURSE BUFFY (inside the spooky house)
Hello...is anyone here?

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
(faints)

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(Nurse Buffy is in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man...wow, I thought you were a goner f'sure. Wanna have sex?

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Nurse Buffy, I need to ask you some questions...

NURSE BUFFY
Detective, from the moment I entered that house I felt something was wrong.

MORONIC DETECTIVE
Hmm? Oh yes, well that's likely because we found a young couple corpsing it up in the attic alongside some chick's dismembered jaw. Or it could be because the last family that lived there was hideously butchered and now their violent ghosts are spooking the place. Actually, it's probably a little of column A, a little of column B.

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(Nerdy Careworker is preparing to leave the Careworker Center. It's the middle of the night.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Well, here I am, having wasted yet another Saturday night in the Careworker Center masturbating to file photos of crazy old women. I really need a girlfriend.

(Dead Careworker Asian Chick shows up. She's missing her lower jaw, and her tongue's flapping around.)

NERDY CAREWORKER
Eh, that's pretty messed up! Then again, that tongue is kinda hot... Hmm, seems like as good a time as any to get my first French kiss. Okay baby, lay it on me!
(promptly dies)

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NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, my boy-toy is missing!

MORONIC DETECTIVE
He probably went to the spooky house. Whatever you do, don't go in that house! It will kill you!

(Ten minutes later, Mornonic Detective goes in the house and is killed.)

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(Flashback three years. Bill Pullman walks into the spooky house.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hello, anybody home? I keep getting these love letters sent from this address and, the stud that I am, I haven't gotten around to seeing who's been sending them until now.

(Ghost Boy shows up.)

BILL PULLMAN
Hi.

GHOST BOY
Meow.

BILL PULLMAN
What's the matter, kid? Cat got your tongue? Hahahahahaha! Get it?!

(Nurse Buffy enters.)

NURSE BUFFY
Oh gosh, sorry, I must have the wrong scene...

BILL PULLMAN
No, it's okay. In fact, you're just in time. I'm about to uncover why this house is so spooky. So it's good you're here. Otherwise, we'd have to spend another half hour on exposition.

(They search the house and find the bloody bodies of a man and woman. Bill Pullman goes to leave.)

NURSE BUFFY
Where're you going?!

BILL PULLMAN
I've got an appointment with a sidewalk I can't miss.
(leaves)

(Nurse Buffy's Stoner Boy-Toy, suddenly crumpled in the corner, starts to groan.)

NURSE BUFFY
OMG! Are you okay?

NURSE BUFFY'S STONER BOY-TOY
Oh man, I think I smoked some bad shit...

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
Oh no, it's that ghost again! Time for me to put my pyromaniac tendancies to good use.
(burns down the house)

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(Nurse Buffy is back in the hospital.)

NURSE BUFFY
Thank God everything is all right.

MORONIC DETECTIVE'S ASSISTANT
Yes... Well except for the fact that your boyfriend died a grisly death. Speaking of which, his corpse is in the next room, take a look.

(She does.)

NURSE BUFFY (to the corpse)
*Sob.* You were the favorite of all my boy-toys.

GHOST CHICK
Boo.

NURSE BUFFY
You again? Isn't it a bit cliched for you to show up and kill me in the final scene?

GHOST CHICK
Look, lady, I get one stinkin' line in this whole flick. Cut me some slack.

THE END