Psycho

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock
Starring: A 24-piece string orchestra
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JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Sigh* I want to marry my boyfriend but we don't have the money.

MALE CHAUVENIST BOSS (to Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe)
Hey Sweetcakes, do papa a solid and deposit this $40K for me.

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Argh...if I have to.
(realizes she could steal the money instead)
Cool.

(She flees the city with the cash. It gets dark.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
*Yawn* I'm tired. Hey—I can sleep there.
(parks at Spooky, Desolate Motel)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Welcome! Would you like a room? You'd be the only one here! Well, except for me, of course. And my mother... We live in that eerie, moonlit house on the hill, but you wouldn't want to meet her—she doesn't care much for company. What do you think of my collection of dead animals? Do you like taxidermy? Say, you look exhausted. Why not take a nice, hot shower?

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Well I'm really a bath person myself, but okay.

(She undresses. Handsome Schizophrenic spies on her through a peep-hole in the next room.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Scandolous!

(Jamie Leigh Curtis's Mother When She Was a Babe is taking a shower. Suddenly, Scary Silhouette pulls back the shower curtain.)

JAMIE LEIGH CURTIS'S MOTHER WHEN SHE WAS A BABE
Ahhh!

24-PIECE STRING ORCHESTRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Scary Silhouette makes stabbing motions.)

1960s AUDIENCE
Ahhhh!! Chocolate syrup!!!!!!!

(Handsome Schizophrenic discovers the mess.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Oh Mother, will you ever learn?
(cleans up)

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SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Hey, I haven't slept with my girlfriend for awhile. What gives?

HELPLESS SISTER
Well, where is she?

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Ah, therein lies the problem.

HELPLESS SISTER
We better call a detective.

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
I'll hire one with the money I didn't have to get married.

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INEPT P.I.
Here I am.

HELPLESS SISTER
You're a detective?

INEPT P.I.
Hey, I look a lot more imposing with my trench coat and hat. I'll find your friend, just watch.

(Inept P.I. follows Jamie Lee Curtis's Mother When She Was A Babe's trail to Spooky, Desolate Motel.)

INEPT P.I. (to Handsome Schizophrenic)
You haven't seen a young woman pass through here recently, have you?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Inept P.I. sneaks into the house.)

INEPT P.I.
Hmm, I see a scary, dark cellar...but I think the real evidence is upstairs.
(walks up the stairs)

(Suddenly Scary Silhouette shows up and stabs Inept P.I.)

24-PIECE STRING ORCHETRA
DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! DEE! (repeat)

(Inept P.I. dances backwards down the stairs and dies.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC (shows up)
Mother, again?! My Lord...having been raised by you, I swear sometimes I wonder how I turned out so well-adjusted.
(goes back to the motel office)

HELPLESS SISTER AND SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND (arrive)
Hi, have you seen a detective pass through here recently?

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Who, me? Haha...that's crazy. Who told you that? Oh, you can look around if you want, sure. The guest rooms, the front office... I have nothing to hide. Just, uh, stay away from the eerie house on the hill, okay? I mean, it's not me, it's just my mother, she's in there and needs uh rest and stuff. So anyway, how ya doing?

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend distracts him while Helpless Sister sneaks into the house.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Hmm, I wonder what's in the cellar...

(Cut to Square-Jawed Boyfriend and Handsome Schizophrenic chatting it up.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
Hey, wait! You're just trying to distract me!
(knocks him out)
Mooooooother, here I come!!!

(Cut to Helpless Sister in the cellar. She comes across a skeleton wearing a sweater.)

HELPLESS SISTER
Aw, that's cute... Hey, wait, you're a rotting corpse! Ahhhhhh!!!

(Knife in hand, Handsome Schizophrenic shows up in a dress.)

HANDSOME SCHIZOPHRENIC
This is from my RuPaul line.

(Square-Jawed Boyfriend shows up and knocks him out at the last second.)

SQUARE-JAWED BOYFRIEND
Booo-yah!

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(An insane asylum. Handsome Schizophrenic is in a straight-jacket. Two doctors watch him from behind glass.)

DOCTOR ONE
So how did he become crazy anyway? Abused as a child?

DOCTOR TWO
No... He found out he's going to be played by Vince Vaughn in the remake.

DOCTOR ONE
Ahhhhhhh!!!

THE END