Rosemary's Baby

Directed by: A bad man who likes little girls
Starring: Mia Farrow, Old People Satanists, and Lucifer (in an uncredited cameo)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROSEMARY
Hi.

NEIGHBOR LADY
Hi.

(Later, Neighbor Lady falls to her death.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! How could this have happened?!

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
No clue. But here, eat this chocolate mousse I made for you. Your husband is in agreement.

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yes.

(Rosemary eats the chocolate mousse and falls unconscious. She has a trippy dream that is rivaled in weirdness only by the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka. Floating heads are laughing all around her, then the devil appears and they screw.)

ROSEMARY (wakes up)
Oh, what a strange dream!
(realizes her back is all clawed up)
Ah! What happened?

SELFISH HUSBAND
I decided to have my way with you while you were unconscious, and you know how I like it rough. Anyway, I have to go to work now. My stalled acting career has mysteriously and abruptly taken off!

ROSEMARY
I might be pregnant.

GOOD DOCTOR
You are.

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE (to Rosemary)
Don't go to him. Here's a better doctor.

EVIL DOCTOR
Hi.

(Evil Doctor prescribes evil things for Rosemary. Wicked Witch of the West Side gives Rosemary evil drinks. Soon, Rosemary has turned into an "anorexic" Paris Hilton and sports a Meg Ryan haircut.)

ROSEMARY'S FRIENDS
You look like Lindsay Lohan after she started doing coke.

NICE OLD MAN
Rosemary, I have to tell you something very important about your neighbors!

ROSEMARY
What is it?

NICE OLD MAN
Oh, I can't tell you now. Come by my place tomorrow when I'm almost certain to be dead.

(She does and he's right.)

ROSEMARY
Oh no! I wonder what he wanted to tell me and if it has anything to do with this book he left for me: "New York Witches And The High-Rise Apartments They Live In".
(Thirty agonizing minutes later...)
Oh, my neighbors must be witches!

AUDIENCE
Well, duh.

(Rosemary frolicks around town and then falls unconscious. She wakes up in her bed.)

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST SIDE
Shhh...everything is all right now. Oh, by the way, you had a miscarriage while you were unconscious.
(A baby cries from the next room.)
Yep. A miscarriage.
(Baby cries again.)
Well, gotta go!

AUDIENCE
Hold on...at some point isn't this movie supposed to get scary?

(Rosemary sneaks into the next room and discovers a meeting of Old People Satanists.)

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Satan!

SELFISH HUSBAND
Yeah, uh, hail Satan!

ROSEMARY
Wait, you're a Satanist too?

SELFISH HUSBAND
No, I'm just selfish.

(Rosemary peers into a baby carriage to see her baby for the first time.)

ROSEMARY
AHHHH, what have you done to his eyes?!

HEAD SATANIST
Nothing. He has his father's eyes.

LUCIFER
Yeah, relax babe. I didn't freak out when I saw he's got your nose.

ROSEMARY
Oh my, I'm the mistresss of the devil and mother to the antichrist!

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Yep.

ROSEMARY
So then...shouldn't you all be worshipping me too?

OLD PEOPLE SATANISTS
Hail Rosemary!

LUCIFER
That's my girl.

THE END