7.17.2005

Timeline

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Some unconvincing grad students, some unconvincing Medieval Europeans, and Bill Gates
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(Bill Gates and his attorney are in Microsoft's new product testing lab.)

BILL GATES
We just used our secret time machine to inadvertantly send one of the teachers from "Head of the Class" back to Medieval France. Oops.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Which teacher?

BILL GATES
The Scottish guy no one took seriously.

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Should I send the Marines back in time to rescue him?

BILL GATES
No. Let's send Paul Walker and some nameless B-movie actors instead. That way, if the rescue mission fails—which it almost certainly will—the world won't be any worse off.

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(A team of grad students, including Paul Walker and Ethan Embry, arrive at Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES
We need you to use my company's time machine to travel to Medieval France and rescue Billy Connelly.

PAUL WALKER
No problem, man. Which car do I drive?

BILL GATES
Um...

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, you own a time machine?

BILL GATES
That's right. How else do you think we've been able to so accurately predict the market trends for the past two decades? Anyway, we were doing research for our new product, Windows BC: The Prehistoric Edition, and as an unintended consequence discovered this link to medieval Europe. Now—do any of you know how time travel works?

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, I saw Back to the Future.

BILL GATES
Did you understand it?

ETHAN EMBRY
I guess.

BILL GATES
Then you're over-qualified for this mission. You'll stay here. The rest of you, suit up.

(They suit up and are about to enter the time machine.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wait, I don't speak French!

BILL GATES
Don't worry, we're sending Monsieur Francois along with you to translate.

(The team of grad students and company workers use the Big, Flashy Igloo to travel back in time to Medieval France, where half the team including Monsieur Francois are promptly killed.)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Well, that sucks. Now what?

GUY FROM MINORITY REPORT
Look, there's Billy Connelly. Let's rescue him.

(They do.)

BILLY CONNELLY
Hello, my friends.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Hello there.

AUDIENCE
Huh?! More than one Scottish dude in a movie that's not Braveheart? This is outrageous!

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(Back at Microsoft...)

BILL GATES
Unfortunately, a grenade blew up the time machine.

ETHAN EMBRY
What?! When did this happen?!

BILL GATES
While you were in the can. Anyway, it looks like the mission is doomed.

ETHAN EMBRY
Wait, can't we use quantum physics to travel to another universe and rescuse them?

BILL GATES
No, you're thinking of the book. We had to dumb down the scientific explanations for the target movie audience, so this busted time machine is all we got.

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, can't we try to fix it?

BILL GATES
I guess.

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(Back in Medieval France...)

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hurry, everyone! Pissed Off English Guy and Disgruntled Microsoft Ex-Employee are chasing us!

PAUL WALKER
Don't worry. We can all hop in my 330 GTC and high-tail it out of here.

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Um...that's a donkey.

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Grrrrrrr! I'm mad because Bill Gates sent me back in time without a way to get home!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Why'd he do that?

DISGRUNTLED MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE
Remember Windows ME? That was my idea.

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate you Americans!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your hair!

BILLY CONNELLY
What about me?

PISSED OFF ENGLISH GUY
I hate your TV show!

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Hey, it looks like Microsoft just fixed the time machine! Quick, let's go!

SCOTTISH GRAD STUDENT
Not me. I'm going to stay here with my new love, Hot Medieval French Chick.

(The rest of the team travel back to Microsoft Corporation.)

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Welcome back.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Where's Bill Gates?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
Hmm? Oh, he travelled back in time. I'm think he's dead now.

CHICK GRAD STUDENT
Wow, a world without Bill Gates? How will we survive without his innovations?

BILL GATES'S ATTORNEY
I'm pretty sure we won't.

PAUL WALKER
That sucks... Can I have his car?

THE END

2 Comments:

At 7/22/2005 3:49 PM, Anonymous suellen said...

funny man hahahaha

 
At 5/03/2006 1:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ETHAN EMBRY
Well, I saw Back to the Future.

LOLZ

 

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