Minority Report

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Hollywood Hunk Tom Cruise, Hollywood Hunk Colin Farrell, Hollywood Hunk Max von Sydow
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TOM CRUISE
Look how great our Crime ESP is. We police catch killers before they kill.

COLIN FARRELL
But what if one of your predicitions is wrong?

TOM CRUISE
Haha, that notion is too ridiculous to ponder.

(The Murder Psychics predict wrong and name Tom Cruise as the next killer. Now all the police hate him.)

TOM CRUISE
Oh no! I better hide out at Murder Psychics' Mother's house.
(does)

UGLY OLD WOMAN
Hey baby, gimme a smootch.
(sloppily frenches him)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)

Good God.

POLICE WHO NOW HATE TOM CRUISE
There he is! Get him!

TOM CRUISE
Oh no, I'm going to be caught! What should I do?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
We're about to lose the male 11-15 crowd. Do cool action movie stunts.

(Tom Cruise becomes the Rocketeer and dances around with a jetpack.)

MALES 11-15
Yay!!

TOM CRUISE
Now I must solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
First, I must cut out your eyes.
(does)

TOM CRUISE
Okay. Now I can finally solve the mystery.

DRUNK COMMIE DOCTOR
Wait! Drink this milk.

(Tom Cruise drinks green milk and swallows enough mold to make penicillan for a small town.)

AUDIENCE (close to vomiting)
Good God.

TOM CRUISE
Now can I pleeeease solve the mystery??

STEVEN SPIELBERG
No! Hide from these robotic tarantalas.

(He does.)

TOM CRUISE
This sucks. I'm outta here.

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Okay, solve the mystery.

TOM CRUISE (does)
Aha, so it was Old Murder Psychic Guy all along!

AUDIENCE
Huh? We don't get it.

TOM CRUISE
Let me explain it all to you through an extended and elaborate powerpoint presentation.
(does)

AUDIENCE
Now we see—Old Murder Psychic Guy is bad.

OLD MURDER PSYCHIC GUY
Yep. But I'm not that bad—watch as I vindicate my wrongs by committing suicide.

(He does and he does.)

TOM CRUISE
Wow, we were sure dumb. All right, let all the murderers free!

(They release all the prisoners, who promptly kill half the city.)

THE END