The Omen

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Oscar Winner Gregory Peck, Oscar Nominee Lee Remick, and the Infamous No-Named Horror Movie Supporting Cast
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(Cue: Scary music with demonic Latin chanting. Half the audience pisses their collective pants.)

SCARY DOCTOR
Your wife just had a miscarriage but she doesn't know it yet. If you'd like, we can offer a replacement and she'll never know the difference.

GREGORY PECK
Okay, give me that half-human, half-jackal baby you've got brooding in the corner.

SCARY DOCTOR
As you wish.

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(Three years have passed.)

LEE REMICK
Honey, have you noticed anything strange about our son Damien lately?

GREGORY PECK
Whatever do you mean?

LEE REMICK
Well, for instance, last week I took him to that drive-through zoo and all the baboons tried to eat him.

GREGORY PECK
Hmm...

LEE REMICK
And then, when we took him to church on Sunday he screamed like Dakota Fanning caught in a blender.

GREGORY PECK
Yes...

LEE REMICK
And on his birthday party, his nanny committed suicide in his name.

EVIL MARY POPPINS (arrives)
Speaking of which, hello!

GREGORY PECK
Who are you?

EVIL MARY POPPINS
I'm the new nanny.

GREGORY PECK
That's funny, we didn't advertise for a new nanny.

EVIL MARY POPPINS
No, you didn't.

GREGORY PECK
Well, welcome aboard!

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(Gregory Peck is in his office.)

SECRETARY (on the intercom)
Sir, Raving Priest is here to see you.

GREGORY PECK

Send him in.

RAVING PRIEST (entering)
There's something wrong with your son!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, not you too...

RAVING PRIEST
He's the Antichrist!

GREGORY PECK
That's fascinating. Say, Father, why don't you take a nice long walk to clear your head.

(Raving Priest does so and is impaled by a lightening rod.)

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BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Look at these pictures I took of the people around your son who have died recently! The pictures all predict their deaths!

GREGORY PECK
I can't believe this...

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
What, that your son is the Antichrist?

GREGORY PECK
No, that I'm an Oscar Winner presently acting alongside the guy whose biggest claim to fame will be playing the Scientist in Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles II.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
True, but fortunately mine wasn't the career most damaged by that particular movie.

VANILLA ICE (flipping burgers)
Not cool, man. Not cool.

GREGORY PECK
Well, I guess I better go to Italy and see what Reclusive Religious Guy has to say.

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
I'll come too.

GREGORY PECK
Why?

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
Hey, I won't be chasing Princess Di's limo for twenty years. I need to pass the time somehow.

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(They go to Italy and learn Damien is the Antichrist.)

GREGORY PECK
Now that Reclusive Religious Guy has said it, it must be true!

BRITISH PAPARAZZI
We need to kill your son! Wait...let me pick up this knife I dropped by this massive sliding plate of glass.
(gets decapitated)

GREGORY PECK
Well, there goes my lunch.

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(Gregory Peck travels back home, where he learns Evil Mary Poppins has thrown his ailing wife out her hospital window to her death.)

GREGORY PECK
So much for a spoonful of sugar...

EVIL MARY POPPINS (charging him)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Gregory Peck showcases his manly strength by beating the shit out her.)

GREGORY PECK
Now to kill my son.

(He takes Damien to the church and prepares to stab him.)

COPS
Freeeeeze, punk!!

GREGORY PECK
Oh, officers I'll be with you in just a second. First I have to make pulled pork out of my demon child.

(The cops riddle him with bullets.)

DAMIEN
Thank you, officers. I will demonstrate my gratitude by saving your souls from eternal hellfire...for at least three months.

COPS
Aww, he's so cute.

THE END