The Phantom of the Opera

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Actors singing in their own voices and Minnie Driver
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(Fade up on the Paris Opera House in the 19th century.)

CHRISTINE
"In sleep he sang to me; in dreams he came."

MPAA RATINGS BOARD
We've heard enough. Bump this one up to PG-13.

CHRISTINE'S FRIEND WITH HUGE KNOCKERS
Christine, he's here, the Phantom of the Opera!

PHANTOM (masked)
Hello.

CHRISTINE
Oh! Who are you? My dead father?

PHANTOM
What the hell? I'm the guy who's been giving you voice lessons for the past five years.

CHRISTINE
Oh yeah...

PHANTOM
Come with me, my Angel of Music.

(He leads her to his super secret basement hideout. There are mysterious waterways, lots of burning candles, and at one point they ride Mr. Ed.)

PHANTOM (to Christine)
Look what I made.

(He shows her his lifesize sculpture of her. She faints. Fade out. Next thing we see, she wakes up in his bed sans stockings and with her hair all messed up.)

CHRISTINE
Oh my! What did you do to me while I was asleep?

PHANTOM (lounging in his robe, smoking a cigarette)
Nothing, babe.

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(Raoul approaches Two Queer Opera Managers.)

RAOUL
Where is Christine?

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS
Don't ask us. We're only the comic relief.

RAOUL
I must find her. I just realized I'm in love.

TWO QUEER OPERA MANAGERS (gazing longlingly into each other's eyes)
*Sigh*...so have we.

SCARY CHOREOGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Mademoselle Christine has returned.

RAOUL
You know, you really stand out.

SCARY CHOROGRAPHER/DOMANATRIX
Is it zee way I dress in all black?

RAOUL
That and the fact you're the only one of us to speak in a French accent.

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(That night. Christine is performing in the opera. Raoul and Two Queer Managers are watching. Suddenly, Phantom gets mad and hangs some dude from the balcony.)

EVERYONE
Ahhhhh!!!!

(Christine runs outside; Raoul is at her heels.)

CHRISTINE
OMG, he's going to come after me next!

RAOUL
Who?

CHRISTINE
The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
Christine, there is no Phantom of the Opera.

CHRISTINE
Huh? Who do you think just killed that fat guy?

RAOUL
Probably some psychotic loner living amongst the shadows of the theater.

CHRISTINE
Exactly! The Phantom of the Opera!

RAOUL
I'm not following.

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(Phantom gets mad and challenges Raoul to a duel. Raoul kicks his ass and is about to kill him.)

CHRISTINE
Raoul, don't!

(Raoul lets him live and runs off with Christine.)

PHANTOM
They let me live... For that, they shall pay with their lives!

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TWO QUEER MANAGERS
Hey Christine, the Phantom just gave us this new opera he wrote. He wants you to play the lead. Here's the script. We open in two hours.

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(Christine is performing in the new opera. Suddenly Phantom walks on stage and begins to seduce her.)

RAOUL (from his box in the audience)
It's the Phantom!

FRENCH COPS
Let's get him!

RAOUL (watching Phantom and Christine making mental love to each other)
Wait! This is kind of turning me on.

(Phantom is about to kiss Christine when she unmasks him.)

OPERA AUDIENCE (in horror)
Dear God! He has a bad sunburn!

PHANTOM (in agony)
The bottle said SPF 15! THE BOTTLE SAID SPF 15!!!!

(He kidnaps Christine and takes her to to his super secret hideout a.k.a. the basement.)

PHANTOM
You'll stay here with me forever! No one will ever find you!

RAOUL (shows up)
Christine!

PHANTOM
Ah, shit.

CHRISTINE
Raoul!

PHANTOM
All right, I get it. You two are in love. Fine, scram.

(Christine kisses him deeply and passionately.)

PHANTOM
Oh my... Does this mean you've loved me all along??

CHRISTINE
No, I'm just a tease.
(leaves with Raoul)

PHANTOM
*Sigh*...I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Ed.

MR. ED (in despair)
Willlllllburrrrr!!!

THE END