Twister

Starring: Hillbilly Tornado Chasers, Hillbilly Scientists, Pepsi can shards, special FX, some British guy trying to sound like a hillbilly, and other disturbing things
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz are in civilization.)

JAMI GERTZ
We're so in love. We should get married right away.

BILL PAXTON
Okay... D'oh! I just remembered I'm still married to my ex-wife, the hillbilly tornado chaser.

JAMI GERTZ
Oh well. I guess we could just move to Utah.

BILL PAXTON
No, it's not a problem. She just has to sign the final divorce papers. Say, let's take a week off work to drive down and watch her sign them in person. I'm sure that won't be awkward.

(Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz arrive in Hillbilly Country.)

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 1
Yeee-haw! We chase tarnados!

HELEN HUNT
Hi, Bill. Here're the papers you want. I just have to sign my name to them to make the divorce official. Anyone have a pen? Okay, here's an "H"... And now an "E"...

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 2
Pack up yar saddles, ladies! My Chevy's satellite imaging's telling me we got a big'un comin'!

AUDIENCE
You'd think if he has a satellite imager, he could afford to buy some teeth.

(The Hillbillys, Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, and Jami Gertz all drive into the tornado.)

JAMI GERTZ (to Bill Paxton)
What are we still doing here? This tornado hasn't rekindled the love between you and your ex-wife, has it?

BILL PAXTON
Er...hey look, a flying cow!

HILLBILLY COW
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YER ASS I'M COMIN' THRU! YEEEEEE-HAW!
(flies by)

HELEN HUNT
Look over there! It's Evil Tornado Scientist Guy!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
Muhahahahahahahaha!!!! I've stolen the idea for your Tornado Predictor Thingofmajig and will use it to profit from science!

EVERYONE ELSE
Noooooooooooo!!!

JAMI GERTZ
You do realize that your "Tornado Predictor" machine is nothing more than an oversized trashcan filled with miniature snow-globes, right?

(Pause)

HELEN HUNT AND BILL PAXTON
Yeeeeeeeeeeee-haw!!!

(Repeat three times with different tornados.)

JAMI GERTZ
That's it, I'm outta here.
(leaves)

(Repeat two more times.)

BILL PAXTON
Oh no, look! It's the biggest, baddest tornado of them all!

BAD TORNADO
Whooooooooooooooooooshhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EVIL TORNADO SCIENTIST GUY
I saw it first! I'm gonna capture it, cage it up in my basement, and charge ten bucks a head to see it! Hahahahahaha, later, suckers!
(dies)

BILL PAXTON
Quick, we need to make peace with the tornado. Put the trashca—I mean, Tornado Predictor in it's path and let's see what happens.

(They do, but they almost die.)

HELEN HUNT
Did it work?

HILLBILLY TORNADO CHASER 3
All I kin see are them Pepsi cans we put in thar flyin' 'bout.

HELEN HUNT
That means it's working!

BILL PAXTON, HELEN HUNT, AND THE HILLBILLIES
Hoooooray!!!!

PEPSI CEO STEVEN S. REINEMUND
Hoooooray!!!!

BILL PAXTON
Phew...well, that was fun, huh? All right, time to go back to civilization with my fiancee—hey, where is she?

HELEN HUNT
She cursed your name and took off like two days ago.

BILL PAXTON
Hmm...that might put a damper on our wedding. Oh well, guess I'll just stay here.

HELEN HUNT
Glad to have ya back, cowboy.

EVERYONE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!

(They all go home and vote Republican.)

THE END