Cast Away

Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Tom Hanks as FedEx Nazi, Helen Hunt as Grieving Slutty Girlfriend, Christopher Noth as Mr. Big, DMD, and Wilson the Talking Volleyball as Himself.
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(Tom Hanks addresses his FedEx employees with a "motivational" speech.)

TOM HANKS

All right, assholes. How long did it take you to deliver that package to Beijing?

ASSHOLE ONE
Uh, 22 hours.

TOM HANKS
22 hours?! What the fuck?! I could chicken dance to China faster than that! Get out of my sight! *Sigh.* Does no one understand me?

HELEN HUNT
I understand you.

TOM HANKS
We're in love. Here's a ring.

HELEN HUNT
Here's a locket.

TOM HANKS
I have to fly through a hurricane now.

HELEN HUNT
Okay.

(Tom Hanks rides in a FedEx plane, which crashes in the ocean after encountering the hurricane.)

TOM HANKS (bobbing in the water)
Gulp. Gulp. Choke. Slurp.
(makes it to shore)
Finally, back to civilization!
(realizes he's on a deserted island)
Aw, crap.

(He sits around for awhile.)

TOM HANKS
I'm hungry. I'll eat a coconut. First to get my knife...oh wait, that's right, I don't have one. No problem, I'll just build a fire and melt the coconut into a mushy broth. Where'd I put my matches? Oh that's right, I'm stranded on a deserted island without any possessions.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
See, everybody! This scene demonstrates that adjusting to life outside our commercialized, automated world is hard.

(The tide pulls some FedEx boxes salvaged from the wrecked plane to shore. Tom Hanks opens one and discovers...)

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Hello, old sport. Let's say you and I be chums.

TOM HANKS
Sure.

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball frolic and play together. They become the best of friends. But then one day Tom Hanks gets sad.)

TOM HANKS
I miss my sensible yet slutty girlfriend. But I'm stuck here with a boat that won't sail. I wish there was another way I could get off this island. If only there was an active volcano nearby...

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL
Why don't you try putting a sail on your boat?

TOM HANKS
Sail on my boat? Sail...boat. Sailboat! Of course. Wilson, you're a genius!

WILSON THE TALKING VOLLEYBALL (puffing on his pipe)
Just trying to earn my keep, old sport.

(Now realizing that boats need power to move, Tom Hanks attaches a makeshift sail to his boat.)

TOM HANKS
All aboard!

(Tom Hanks and Wilson the Talking Volleyball sail the Pacific. But with no food and water, they soon become crazy. Tom Hanks begins singing an endless barrage of sea chanties. Wilson the Talking Volleyball, unable to cope, commits suicide by jumping overboard.)

TOM HANKS
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Five minutes later...)

TOM HANKS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Ten minutes later he is rescued by a passing tanker. They take him back to civilization, where Tom Hanks delivers the only salvageable package from the plane crash. FexEx names him Employee of the Month.)

FEDEX PRESIDENT
Congratulations. Here's a gift certificate to Bath & Body Works. *Cough*youreallyneedashower*cough*

TOM HANKS
Not so fast. See that plane crashed on company time, so technically I've been on the clock ever since. Now it took me four years working nonstop to deliver that package. According to my calculations, you owe me $6,831,000.02 in overtime.

(Tom Hanks is fired.)

TOM HANKS
Oh well, at least I still have my girlfriend.

MR. BIG
Haha, nope. I stole her from you.

TOM HANKS
Well, I'll just win her back.

MR. BIG
I'm Mr. Big. You can't win.

(He's right.)

HELEN HUNT (to Tom Hanks)
I still love you, but you're out and Big's in. Too bad your plane had to crash. Otherwise you and I would be doing the horizontal tango every night, sometimes twice.

(Tom Hanks becomes depressed and insane, joining the ranks of all other former mail carriers.)

ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Okay everyone, what lesson did this movie teach us?

AUDIENCE
Always ship UPS.

THE END