9.04.2005

Deep Blue Sea

Starring: Stock Characters, Smart Sharks, and Samuel L. Jackson
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(Stock Characters are chilling in an undersea laboratory/aquarium thingie.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Look at these sharks we’ve been experimenting with. They’re all smart now.

STOCK FOREIGN GUY WHO DIES EARLY ON
Cool.
(A shark bites his arm off.)
Ahhhhhhh!!!

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Quick, airlift him outta here.

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
But…there’s a hurricane going on up there!

(They airlift him anyway. The helicopter crashes and Smart Sharks fling him through the underwater laboratory’s window.)

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
Oh no, the laboratory’s integrity has been breached! The sharks will be here soon!

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Why are them sharks actin’ all pissed, yo?

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
Perhaps it’s because we’ve been forcing them to watch Richard Simmons's “Sweating with the Oldies: Vol. 3” on endless loop.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Don’t worry, I know a way out!

STOCK CHARACTERS
Samuel L. Jackson??!!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That’s right. I’m here to save the day. Now listen very carefully: all you have to do is—
(gets eaten by a shark)

STOCK NERDY NERVOUS GUY
That’s it?? He was only on screen for ten seconds!

STOCK FEMALE WHO’S NOT AS HOT AS THE OTHER FEMALE
What’s even more amazing is that for those ten seconds he was paid three times the rest of our saleries combined.

(The sharks swim closer.)

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Okay, enough. Let’s figure out who’s going to live and who’s going to die. Nervous Guy and Not As Hot Female, you’re definitely going to die.

(They both get eaten by sharks.)

STOCK SEXY FEMALE SCIENTIST
What about me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Hmm…that’s a tough one. On one hand, you’re extremely hot—so you should live. On the other, you’re the reason we’re all in this jam. Plus, you and I don’t seem to have much chemistry. So you’ll probably die too.

(She gets eaten by sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
What ‘bout me?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
Are you kidding? The funny black guy never dies. You’re as certain to survive as I am.

(He’s right. Also, they kill the Smart Sharks.)

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
Okay, now what?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
You’re really new to this stock action movie gig, aren’t ya? We just hold on to this floating debris until the camera pans away.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
That’s it?

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
No, also say a funny final line.

STOCK FUNNY BLACK GUY
How about, "I read a review that said this movie was scarier than Jaws."

STOCK BLONDE TOUGH GUY
That’s more disturbing than funny.

THE END

6 Comments:

At 9/08/2005 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's hilarious, you should do full metal jacket next!

 
At 9/15/2005 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the acting, dialouges and production was waaay better than the original movie! :)

 
At 9/18/2005 1:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friday the 13th and WaterWorld would be great in one minute...great Job

 
At 9/22/2005 11:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only time I saw this was on a bus in Mexico - in Spanish. I understood 1% of the dialog, but it didn't make any difference - it was a horrible movie.


Great review.

 
At 10/09/2005 2:52 PM, Anonymous DWanderer said...

Well, the original was great, but this one isn't that good..... make more anyway.

 
At 2/01/2007 10:43 PM, Anonymous YoSafBridge said...

Ah, I love this movie (seem to be the only one) Great parody!

 

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