War of the Worlds

Directed by: Steven Spielberg

Starring: A "heterosexual" Tom Cruise, the aliens from Independence Day, and scenes from other sci-fi movies.
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(Before the premier, Tom Cruise speaks to reporters.)

TOM CRUISE
Lately there’s been some speculation as to my, eh, sexual alignment. Let me state it plainly: all rumors that I live an alternative lifestyle are false. As a testament to this, allow me to introduce you to my new wife, the sizzling hot actress Katie Holmes. Additionally, in tonight’s movie I'll be playing a burly construction worker who scratches his balls a lot.

REPORTER
Wasn’t one of the Village People a construction worker?

TOM CRUISE
This press conference is over!

(The movie begins.)

TOM CRUISE
Hey, that was some weird lightening storm that just happened, eh kids?

PUNK SON
I hate you.

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

TOM CRUISE
I’m going to see what’s going on.

(He follows the rest of the neighborhood down the street. They arrive at a hole. Suddenly, the ground shakes and a huge alien ship on stilts emerges. The neighborhood watches in awe. The alien ship on stilts passes gas and defecates on the street.)

AUDIENCE
Was that really necessary?

(Suddenly, the alien ship starts shooting lasers that turn people into Cinnamon Toast Crunch.)

TOM CRUISE (runs home)
Kids, we gotta jet!

(They all hop into the car. Tom Cruise starts to back out of the driveway.)

TOM CRUISE
How’s your side look, son?

PUNK SON
It's clear.

TOM CRUISE
What about your way, Dakota?

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(Tom Cruise begins to drive down the street.)

TOM CRUISE
It’s Boston or bust, so every other car better get outta my way!

PUNK SON
Looks like they already did, Dad.

TOM CRUISE
How convenient.

(Tom Cruise and kids tour the countryside, surviving an unruly mob, a ferry disaster, and a plane crash.)

PUNK SON
These aliens piss me off. I’m gonna join the army.

TOM CRUISE
You can’t do that.

PUNK SON
Watch me.

(He joins the army. Five seconds later the army gets blown up.)

TOM CRUISE
Damn… I hope I qualify for his veterans benefits.

(An alien foghorn is heard in the distance.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
Here, you can hide out in my cellar.

(They do.)

TOM CRUISE
Now what are we going to do?

ANDY DUFRESNE
Nothing. The aliens are destined to lose. Occupations always fail…except Japan and Germany after WWII.

(An alien anaconda slinks into the cellar.)

DAKOTA FANNING
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!

(They all hide. Cut to the kitchen scene from Jurassic Park. The alien anaconda leaves and the aliens from Independence Day show up.)

ANDY DUFRESNE
My God…look at that bad CGI.

TOM CRUISE
You’re too loud.
(kills him)

(The aliens leave. Cut to the rest of Independence Day: Tom Cruise penetrates the alien ship, blows it up from inside, and the aliens all catch a virus and die.)

AUDIENCE
Wow, Steven Spielberg surprised me. He actually had the guts to kill the son.

(Punk Son shows up.)

AUDIENCE
Never mind.

(End credits.)

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
Wait, wait, wait…I’m confused. When did the aliens bury those big ships beneath the ground?

STEVEN SPIELBERG
Uh, it was before mankind had evolved.

SMART AUDIENCE GUY
So why didn’t the aliens take over the world then?

(Silence.)

H.G. WELLS (shows up)
Hey.

TOM CRUISE
H.G. Wells! What are you doing here?

H.G. WELLS
Well, I’ve been rolling around in my grave for the past two hours but no one was paying attention, so I thought I’d come up here and smack you all in person.

THE END