10.31.2005

Magnolia

Directed by: P. T. Anderson
Starring: Pretentious actors playing dull characters
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(The film begins with a cool narrative about urban legends. The audience is entranced. Suddenly, an episode of COPS begins and John C. Reilly's ugly mug fills the screen.)

BLACK LADY (to John C. Reilly)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(A dead guy falls out of her closet.)

TOM CRUISE (appears)
All females should suck my massive cock.

JASON ROBARDS
I'm dying.

TOM CRUISE
Good. You can suck my cock too.

WILLIAM H. MACY
I used to be a quiz-show champ. Now I'm gay.

JULIANNE MOORE (to a pharmacist)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
We're getting a bit nervous here...two hours have passed and we don't know what the hell is going on.

(The cast sings a song. Some smart kid pisses his pants. Then it begins to rain frogs.)

FROGS
Rib-splat.

(Jason Robards dies and Tom Cruise cries. We don't care. The three hour mark is reached.)

OTHER CAST MEMBERS (to anyone)
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!

(Some characters are now less miserable than they were at the start of the film. The audience, however, is more miserable.)

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
That sucked.

P. T. ANDERSON GROUPIES
You're uncultured and don't appreciate real art.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
Fine, then sum up what this movie was about in one sentence.

(Silence.)

FROG
Rib-it.

THE END

2 Comments:

At 10/31/2005 10:05 PM, Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I waited for a minute and there wasn't a new movie review. False advertising...

 
At 10/31/2005 10:21 PM, Blogger CPTCJT8 said...

hahahahaha this and the American Beauty one were ace, you sure did smash this movie.

 

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