11.18.2005

Die Hard

Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Principal Vernon, Carl Winslow and Steve Urkel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(McClane has arrived at LAX. He goes up to Cool Black Guy, who is holding a sign with his name.)

McCLANE
I'm a pissed off cop from New York. I hate everyone on the west coast. I'm only here because I'm trying to score with my estranged wife. Get all that? Okay, now drive me to this Japanese brothel/office building.

COOL BLACK GUY
Fo'shizzle da nizzle.

(McClane arrives at the skyscraper. He ascends to the 60th floor, where there's a large party going on. In the background many Japanese men screw many prostitues.)

MRS. McCLANE (shows up with Slick Prick)
Hi.

McCLANE
Hi.

SLICK PRICK
Hey goober, wanna do a line of coke with me?

McCLANE
That's so '80s.

SLICK PRICK
Touche.

(Meanwhile, several German terrorists, Genghis Kahn and Steve Urkel have infiltrated the building. They hold all the party guests hostage. McClane is in the whizzer.)

HEAD TERRORIST ALAN RICKMAN
Everyone remain calm. We are only here to conduct an unnecessarily elaborate and expensive burglary. If you do as we say, you will be unharmed.
(to Random Terrorist)
By the way, have you peppered the entire building with C4 yet?

RANDOM TERRORIST
Check.

(Meanwhile, McClane has killed a terrorist and is trying to radio the police.)

McCLANE (over the radio)
Help, you idiots! We're being held hostage! Send police to rescue us!

(In the parking lot, the police arrive to rescue them.)

McCLANE
What are you doing, you morons?! Don't try to rescue us!
(to himself)
I need a distraction to clear the fuzz out of the way. I know! I'll drop some C4 I found down this elevator shaft.

McCLANE'S BRAIN
Uh, hold on a moment... Are you sure it's a good idea to blow up the base of the skyscraper you're presently inside?

McCLANE
Yippee-ki-yay!

(He drops the explosives down the elevator shaft and there is a HUMUNGOUS EXPLOSION, but fortunately the structure of the building remains completely intact.)

LAWS OF PHYSICS (show up)
Sorry, we were in the can. What'd we miss?

(Meanwhile, Officer Carl Winslow is performing the heroic duty of listening to the police radio while sitting on his ass.)

CARL WINSLOW (to McClane over the radio)
And then...when I was twenty-four, I shot a kid during a raid. Oh God, it was horrible! I'll never get over that day as long as I live...

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
Will you please shut the fuck up? I thought we agreed to limit our broadcast time on this channel to five minutes each. It's crowded enough as it is.

HANS AND FRANS (over the radio)
Are you talking to us, boss?

ALAN RICKMAN (over the radio)
No.

PRINCIPAL VERNON (over the radio)
Who said that?

McCLANE (over the radio)
Not me.

(Meanwhile, Slick Prick gets killed, but Reporter Prick shows up to take his place. McClane kills all the terrorists except Alan Rickman. Then he kills Alan Rickman. Then the building BLOWS UP. But McClane and the hostages are SAFE. Then a terrorist COMES BACK TO LIFE, but Carl Winslow SHOOTS him.)

CARL WINSLOW
Hey, now I can kill people without any lingering feelings of sympathy or remorse...I'm cured!

THE END

2 Comments:

At 1/28/2006 10:49 AM, Anonymous Bahram said...

Simply brilliant! The best one yet.

 
At 4/26/2006 3:23 PM, Anonymous Tanzarian said...

Ghengis Khan, excellent Bill & Ted actor reference.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home